Chapter eleven: Scars
NPOV
March 3, Friday
I wasn't thirsty for his blood, just longed to hold him. Hearing him promise his eternal love meant a lot to me. Especially now we would have eternity. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing. He had to keep phasing, but neither of us minded the wolf days. I'm a vampire now, and there's nothing I can do to change that, so I plan to make the best of it.
I started to enjoy the mind reading as well. My gift is a little different than Edward's. He hears the voices, from a great distance. Even sees the images in other's minds. He can tune in, but can never really shut it out. I just hear whispers, so it's harder to recognize who's mind I'm hearing. I can only hear the people that are in my vision, although I don't need to look at them. I am learning to tune in, but most of the times, when several thoughts are passing, I can understand none of them. The advantage of my weaker gift is that it's fairly easy to ignore it, as long as the minds are not too excited. Now they were obviously excited, curious as to how I would react to my human husband.
I think I passed the test. Not thirsty. Not repulsed. Quite the contrary.
We spent twenty minutes like this, him whispering thoughts at me, and me whispering my response for everybody to hear. I could tell that the Cullens were getting a little uncomfortable, and I wanted to end our contact before any bloodlust could surface, so I could see him again soon. Hopefully tomorrow.
When he left again, my happy mood slowly started to fade, and being away from him slowly started to hurt again. He was my comfort in times of distress.
I was not really in distress, but a lot of things had definitely changed, and I needed him near, reassuring me that it would all be okay.
I tried to avoid thinking about Tina, but it was hard. Especially when near Rose and Emmett, who's minds were filled with her all the time. I called her up about a million times, but her cell was turned off. Maybe she didn't even have it on her.
Yesterday I tried a new approach and posted a new entry on my Twitter page, that was not up to date at all. She would have no reason to check it, except maybe if she wanted to see some pictures of me, of us. I entered following quote: "If you love something, let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever." I hoped she would understand.
There was something up with Jasper as well. He was avoiding me, that much was obvious. I figured at first it was because he had to bite me. Now I don't know. It had been a week. I tried not to be insulted. Edward wouldn't fill me in on his reason, told me I should find out for myself. Always discrete.
So when he didn't show up on movie night, I decided this silly thing must end now. Even if he had only liked me as a human, I wanted to know. I had the right to know.
So I went upstairs, but he wasn't there. I needed to work on my senses. When I came down again, Alice looked up from the screen. "Cabin." she said and added in her mind "Let's get this over with."
When I arrived at the cabin, I saw that the lights were on. I didn't feel his presence or hear his thoughts, but I'm sure he knew I was there.
I knocked anyway. Just to be polite. He didn't answer.
The rejection hit me. He really didn't want to see me.
My stomach tied in a knot and I stepped away from the cabin, to sit down against a tree, looking out at the cabin. I wrapped my arms around my knees and let the tears fall. Human tears ask for human poses. He must feel my pain, I wanted him to feel it. Let him know what he did to me, acting like that.
Finally he came out, I couldn't see him with my teary eyes, but I heard and he sat down next to me.
I focused on his smell, I never smelled him so intensely, and still it was nice and very familiar. As if humans on some subconscious level still register those things.
I could hear his mind now, whispering faintly. Maybe that was the clouding he talked about for Edward's gift.
Did she look at me? Did she see? Her feelings haven't changed.
"See what?" I asked, with a thick voice.
"You heard that?"
"Yes."
No clouding from her. Damn.
"What have you got to hide then, Jasper?" I asked, even more hurt now.
"Oh Nessie, don't cry." he said, and put his arm around me. I immediately fell against his chest, sobbing. He didn't feel cold anymore, or hard. He felt just like me. But still was very careful with me. Now I was crying, I couldn't focus on his thoughts anymore, although I was interested.
When I relaxed a little, I tried to talk, in between some remaining sobs.
"Is that why you have been avoiding me? Because you want to hide your thoughts? I have always been totally honest with you Jasper. I wouldn't mind you reading my thoughts."
"Some things are complicated, Nessie. It's not that I haven't been honest. I just don't like being read."
"Even by your best friend?"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
"Are you going to get used to it? Or just keep avoiding me?"
"I don't know."
Right.
So he was scarifying our friendship in order to keep his secrets. Secrets I wasn't even aware of, while I confided every single thing in him. I guess he never was my best friend after all.
I pushed myself away from him, hard, forgetting my vampire strength for an instant, and I turned around and ran.
New tears streaking my face. I lost two friends now.
"Ness…" I heard him say behind me, but I didn't want to hear it anymore. I just wanted to be with Jake. Hold him. Let him tell me forever again.
I was fast, newborn speed, he wouldn't be able to follow me, if he wanted to at all. He just wanted to be left alone, so he wouldn't.
When I was far enough, outside empath radius, I slid down against a tree and sobbed again.
He found me anyway. Pulled into a hug again, hushing me and stroking my back. Why did he bother now when he just said that he didn't want to be my friend anymore? Not in so much words, but that was what I made of it.
"I don't understand, Jasper. All these years you sought my company. Not just me. You did as well. And you told me you could only be truly yourself with me. And Alice of course. Why would you tell me that? If you want to hide yourself so badly?"
"I meant that I was able to be more myself with you than with anybody else."
"But still not entirely?"
"Not entirely. But it's not your fault. You know my past."
I looked up at him. Was this about his past? Who cares about that?
He quickly pulled me against him once more, thinking "don't look at me."
I wiped my eyes, and pulled back again, purposefully looking at him. I knew he was self-conscious about his scars, and the fact that he was worried about that, was even more silly. If he thought I was that shallow, he was very wrong.
He averted his face, but I stopped him, one hand under his chin. Not forcefully, but insistent anyway.
"Feel my emotions, Jazz. They won't lie."
And I looked at him. For the first time.
His face was covered in scars, some just a shine, but some deep and colored. It was amazing that humans don't see them.
I stared into his eyes, he looked hurt, panicked, like a deer trapped in the headlights. But still like Jasper.
I didn't feel pity, I knew what had happened to him, and it made him who he is now. My friend. Shy and modest, but ever so kind. Somehow he kept enough warmth in his heart, althrough the many wars he fought. It made him all the more special.
"You're still Jasper to me. I swear. Can't you feel it?"
His gaze softened, eyes looking back in mine. I hoped he was reassured now. And that he would stop hiding.
My hand that was holding his chin softly traced the skin of his face, my fingertips following the many crescent scars.
And then his mind whispered to me:
"I love you. I never wanted you to find out. But I do. I love you…"
AN: The scars were not the only thing Jasper was hiding... Whoever read his outtake after Fearless must have remembered this...