Chapter 13

'What?' I hissed hoarsely as my mind refused to compute the information just given to me. 'You said what?'

Severus was staring at my chest, his hands nervously clenching and unclenching into fists. He was scared, that much I understood, and I had a feeling it had something to do with what he had just told me, but I couldn't for the life of me make a meaning out of it through the loud rush in my ears. He had wanted me to get expelled? It was completely incomprehensible.

Relaxing his right hand he reached it up to trace my collar or cheek, I didn't know, but I caught his wrist and halted his motion.

'Please, what?' I asked again, trying to seem more patient then I really was. The silence in my voice seemed to worry him more than what my usual lapse of temper did and he tried to retract his hand, but I held firm. 'Severus?'

A shy smile played on his lips and he looked at me in that peculiar sideways manner which always sent butterflies to my stomach. 'I bought you chocolate in Hogsmeade?' he said, phrasing it as a question, as if he tried to figure out if this was what I wanted to hear.

'You said you had meant for me to get expelled,' I ground out. Uttering the words myself made the realisation dawn on me slowly and horribly. The smile faded from Severus' lips and he looked down on the floor. His mouth moved silently while he tried to rephrase himself or dig up some excuse, eventually he gave up and merely shrugged his shoulders. A knot had formed in my stomach; Severus never lacked words. The silence was long and tense but I finally let go of his wrist. He immediately pulled it to his chest, his eyes shifting restlessly while he thought everything through. No doubt he was analyzing the situation, sorting through all the lies he could tell and ways he could escape. Strange that he was ignorant of the fact that he didn't have to lie to get away from me, he could just say the word. I felt strangely powerless watching him in his own thoughts, knowing that he could hurt me as badly as he wanted and I would still feel my heart flutter whenever I caught a glimpse of him. 'Why had you meant for me to get expelled?' I asked. It was a stupid question since I easily could imagine the answer. But his face froze and he darted his gaze up to my eyes in a way that made me feel like I had finally asked a question he knew the answer to.

'I wanted to see if I could.'

His voice rang cold in the small space. My mind reeled strangely and I wondered idly where the illumination came from. Looking up to the ceiling it appeared as if there must once upon a time have been thrown some sort of illumination charm, probably during a secret tryst between two lovers. Or perhaps Severus had thrown it before I entered, who knew.

'Sirius?' The mention of my name made my mind snap uncomfortably back onto the topic of the hurtful words. Everything was muddled again and I could barely sort through the variety of feelings that conflicted in me. Anger and hurt was the most prominent, but because of the onslaught of information I was unable to react in any other way than to stare at him.

Finally, somewhere in the chaos that ruled me, I found the feeling which was the easiest to deal with; my hurt pride. I had been fooled around, toyed with like a mouse the cat couldn't be bothered to eat. I could feel my lips draw back from my teeth in a snarl, and without thinking I reached out my hand to take a grab of Severus's robes, but stopped mid motion. He had flinched away from me, turning his face away as if to protect it from whatever anger I was about to release on him. It was a practiced motion, as if he had waited for this. His entire body was tense as he waited with his hand in front of his face and his eyes shut tightly. I let my arm fall down limply by my side and took a step backwards. The fact that Severus had expected me to hurt him, to punish him for what he had done, sickened me more than any other previous realization. I was not Rosier, I had promised him I wouldn't be, to never hurt him, and there he stood expecting me to hit him. Again.

'You do realize this is not a game?' I whispered, my conversation with Dumbledore untimely seeping back into my memory. Either he had cared deeply for me to take the blame, or then he had known I would never let him take it.

Severus carefully removed his hand from his face and opened his eyes to look at me from underneath his lidded gaze. 'Everything is a game Black.' It was the cold, measured tone of voice he had always used against me previously. It dripped with acid and venom. He stared at me as if he could see right through me, judging my every motion, reading every frown on my face.

'But what if Dumbledore had not come to me for a second witness?' I asked, trying to find a flaw in his plan, mapping back our time together and analyzing every word and kiss given. He had seemed sincere, I knew he had been.

'One can only play as high as the stakes given,' murmured Severus and finally let his ice cold gaze falter. 'So what do you choose?'

'Choose?' I echoed and the resentment I felt for the word was impossible to hide in my tight voice. I thought it had been obvious who I had "chosen", though it had never been my meaning to choose anything.

'Yes, who do you choose; me or them?' asked Severus in a low voice as he advanced on me. His coal black eyes widened as he searched my face. It was like he finally came to a realization. In a sudden rush he pushed passed me and disappeared through the wall. For a few seconds I only stood there dumbfounded, staring in the darkness. The light had followed Severus. By the time I stepped out of the hiding place he had already disappeared, and it would be impossible to follow him. Mostly because I didn't want to.

As far as I could figure out, there were three different Severuses; the playful and shrewd, the loving and obedient, the dangerous and cruel. Perhaps there were even more, but I hadn't seen much of them. It was as Dumbledore had said; no one really knew Severus because he was a different person with everyone. I understood a bit more now about how Evans could have gotten scared away. She knew one person, but he had gradually changed, gradually become someone else she didn't know. But then again, they were all Severus in a way.

A game. It had all been a game to him. Could I really have expected anything else?

I was standing at the top of the marble staircase looking down at the grand hall. How many times would I be cleaning that floor with a toothbrush the coming year? It was all to teach me a lesson of course, and man had I learned it alright. Don't try to kill your enemies with your best friend.

I took a hesitant step down.

Perhaps... perhaps the reason I had come to care so much for Severus was because in every way... he was just like me?

Another step, for some reason my legs felt like lead.

Playful and shrewd... loving and obedient, well I was more loyal than obedient, really... but dangerous and cruel. "You hurt people without even a second thought." Wasn't that what Remus had told me while in tears just a few days ago?

They were so heavy I could barely lift them to thump down yet another step. How many times hadn't I run down these stairs?

Would I have become what he is, if I had chosen Slytherin after all? But then again, perhaps I already was.

Step by step, I snailed down the stairs. I didn't know why I was going down them; I must have had a notion that I needed fresh air. To clear my mind and to understand.

To choose.

To choose what? Someone who wanted me expelled, who wanted me dead, someone I loved in a ridiculously self-destructing manner. The last thought was just too mature to be my own; perhaps I was finally waking from my slumber. There was a lot of perhaps tonight, too many questions I probably would never get an answer on. Not until they had driven me mad.

When I sat down heavily I let out a long winded breath. Resting my elbows on my knees I leaned forward, the cool of the marble sneaking through my clothes almost as a relief. I could hear footsteps closing in from the bottom of the staircase, but I didn't really care. They were not ones I recognized, and the person would most probably just pass me by with a weird stare. Hardly even that, most probably.

The steps closing in were furiously measured and slow, and I felt myself grow curious against my own will. Why couldn't the person just hurry on up and leave me to my own misery?

Finally they were just in front of me, but then they stopped. A long silence followed in which I tried quite desperately not to look up to see who it was.

But of course, my own curiosity would always win and I eventually raised my head to throw an uncaring glare in the person's general direction. Of all the people I could have imagined, the one standing there was perhaps the last one I had wanted to see. With the exclusion of my mother, of course. Or then again, maybe not.

The light blonde male had his hands in his pockets, resting elegantly in contra post and an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth. At the end of his long legs shone his boots of expensive dragon hide and it seemed as if the cotton in the school uniform shirt had been replaced by silk. His casualness was one of arrogance and he reminded me in that moment so much of James I nearly blanched. With one slightly raised eyebrow he looked down at me as if something humoured him greatly.

'Well, I can't say I am all that surprised to-'

'Oh shut the fuck up!' I growled and got up to my feet. 'I am so sick and tired of all you people! Yes I have heard it before!'

Rosier's calculated elegance broke and he took a surprised step down and away from me. With long fingers, that had never seen physical labour in his entire life, he removed the cigarette from his lips while green eyes narrowed.

'What in Slytherin's name are you on about?' he hissed dangerously. 'I'm sorry but I don't speak retard.'

What an ass.

I had turned away from him and was angrily stomping my way up the marble staircase, gesticulating wildly while I talked.

'You- YOU people. I am sick off you! Your wise words, your threats, your bloody warnings! Yes I know Severus is no good, yes I know he is a bad influence, yes I know he could never do anything for the good of anyone else. YES I KNOW- ARE YOU HAPPY?!'

The last I screamed at the top of my lungs, silencing myself abruptly as the armour at the top of the staircase rattled dangerously. Adolescent magic.

'What did that little monster do to you?' asked Rosier in a horrifyingly calm voice that rang loud in the silence following my outburst. I couldn't help but turn around and look at him. His green eyes glittered while his mouth curved at the corners; he looked as if he was fascinated against his own will. With some effort I managed to turn away again in disgust and was about to continue my way up the staircase, intent on ignoring him.

'Did he perhaps cheat on you?' Rosier asked again. A deceiving calmness in which I could hear his voice vibrate with the effort of keeping it under control. 'Did he perhaps cheat on you with a despicable little BLOOD TRAITOR?!'

I whirled around, my eyes big as saucers in my head as I looked down on him, his pretty face disfigured into pure rage. His hands were knotted into fists and I could see the remnants of the tobacco in his cigarette dust away and onto the floor. Rosier was on his way up the staircase and towards me, but my legs had inconveniently stopped working.

He was taller than I had believed when he towered over me; his otherwise green eyes turning dark, his pale lips white as he snarled at me.

'Don't say I didn't warn you, don't say I didn't tell you. But did you care? Oh no, a Gryffindor will take what the hell he wants won't he?' His dangerous snarl suddenly turned into a sick grin and what presumably could be interpreted as laughter barked out of him. 'But he got burned well didn't he, the little blood traitor? You can't play with other's toys if you don't know how to handle them.'

Of all the things he had spat in my face, only one word really stuck in my brain as important: "toy". My limbs suddenly loosened somewhat, and the horrified expression on my face turned into one of anger.

'Don't you dare call Severus a toy in front of me.'

Rosier's eyes widened horrifyingly, but not in surprise. I was dead certain he was about to drag his wand, but instead he cracked his neck like a common muggle.

'Apparently civilized talk won't make you see reason, so I suppose this will have to be solved the only way you will understand.'

The last thing I saw before pain became my world was his fist closing in on my face. He hit me right on the nose and I could have sworn the crack it made echoed through the hall. A sensation of falling was all I could register before everything turned black.

I don't know how long I had been out of it, but the first thing I saw upon awakening was blood. A pool had gathered around my head and I could feel the metallic taste of it had seeping into my mouth. The second thing I registered was excruciating pain. It felt like my entire skull had been cracked open, and as I carefully tried to lift my head off the stair I had to give it an extra tug where my hair had gotten stuck in the dried blood. The pain was so that I forgot to breathe, only focusing on staying conscious. I must have hit my head on the staircase when I fell, but I couldn't really remember why I had fallen. Reaching up for the rail I carefully and slowly managed to pull myself up into a more or less standing position. There were only about three more steps left and I would be at the top, but the long way to the infirmary seemed impossible.

Tears were streaming down my face, feeling like icicles on my burning and swollen skin. Slowly I managed to find my way down the hallway, my breath unexpectedly short. It must have been beaten quite forcefully out of me. The worst was not really the pain or my lack of breath, but the unexplainable sleepiness I was feeling. It made everything into doubles and the distance just seemed even longer.

I can't remember how I managed to reach the hospital wing, but I did and that without falling asleep. I wasn't aware what it meant at the time, all I was that that I ought not do as my body bade me and fall asleep.

While sitting on the hospital bed and letting Madame Pomfrey fuss over my wounds I tried to remember what had happened. For every wound she healed, a new one made itself known. Because of the excruciating pain in the head, I had forgotten about my broken nose. When they both had been somewhat healed the reason why I could not breathe was finally revealed by three big bruises on my ribs and stomach.

Upon asking me, I had to explain that I couldn't for the life of me remember what had happened. At first I thought she would not believe me, but she only nodded and told me to take a potion that would help me stay awake through the night.

Finally left alone to get some rest I could feel the potion work through my system, forcing me to stay awake even if I felt sleepy. I was unaware of what time it was, but it had already darkened completely outside so I supposed it was late in the evening.

To break my nose and bruise my ribs so badly I must have fallen down quite a lot of steps, but I couldn't remember seeing blood anywhere but on the step my head had rested. And I had been nearly at the top.

The night was long and agitating since sleep was not an option. There was nothing there to entertain me. Pomfrey had probably gone back to sleep, if she slept, I really wasn't sure if she did. Through the long hours I could remember broken pictures from my conversation with Severus. I knew that must have been just before I fell, but it was difficult to imagine that Severus had anything to do with my wounds.

My head itched underneath the bandage, but I had gotten a stern reminder not to scratch it no matter how bad it was. She had put some kind of healing lotion on it that would help my wound's progress. It was a dangerous crack she had told me, and I should have been happy I had awoken at all. I had seen worry in her eyes for the first time that night, and when she walked away she muttered something about St. Mungos in the morning.

Luckily there was no need for that. Pomfrey came to see me every hour at the dot through the night, and even if it was impossible for me to fall asleep, my body still shut down of exhaustion, forcing me to lie like a dead man in the bed, staring at the ceiling.

While I watched the sunrays slowly creep through the window, my breath completely even and dreamy pictures flashing across the ceiling, she came quietly with her kit of necessaries. Still being halfway in the dream world I was unable to assist her in her ministrations, or even turn my head for that matter. Carefully she unwound the bandage around my head, tugging lightly at the cloth sticky with salve and blood. It was painful, but all I managed was a low whine.

She then did something then that would always render her the great love of my life, as far as women went. She let the bandages go to carefully caress me across the cheek, resting a light kiss on my forehead. A wonderful, slow melancholy settled in me that day.

But Pomfrey could only be so loving for a short period of time, and before I was able to properly register what had happened she was back on my bandages. When she removed them she made an approving noise and picked up a pair of scissors. In my drugged mind I figured she'd use them to loosen my bandages even more, until I heard the sound of hair getting cut. Had I been able I would have jumped out of the bed in horror. But as it were I was unable to stop her while she cut the hair around my wound completely to my scalp.

'The salve has cleansed the wound and is helping the healing on the way. I had to wait until you were a bit more stable before doing any serious magic on you last night. I was afraid you could have fallen into a coma, but everything looks like it it's going along nicely.'

And with those words she vanquished my beautiful, black locks.

I was allowed to sleep after that, something I did as vigorously as I could. My sleep was disturbed by plenty of memories I could shadily place in a puzzle, but the finished picture I got was never something I could make sense of.

There was Severus, always in the background but rarely in the main picture. He had that quiet smile he usually wore when he was satisfied with something, usually with me. Somewhere during the dreams Rosier made his entrance, forcing me through hours of stumbling déjà vu which left me a headache even overpowering Pomfrey's skilled brews.

When I finally awoke drenched in my own sweat, I found Dumbledore standing by the side of my bed silently talking to McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey. She was telling them how I had arrived last night, and that I was unable to recall anything of what had happened to me.

But I remembered.

Rosier. How had he ever hoped to get away from what he had done? He couldn't have thought it through at all, being mad beyond reason.

And perhaps... just perhaps he had a reason to be.

Cheating. I had never considered it like that before. Severus had never talked about Rosier as a boyfriend, just as an inconvenience. I had envisioned myself saving Severus from him, but... That might just have been a part of Severus' little game too.

Dumbledore and McGonagall were both staring at me with mixed worry and sternness.

I closed my eyes and turned away. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone. They left shortly after that.