Derek woke up, opening his eyes quickly. Something wasn't right. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was a sickening feeling deep within. He glanced over to see Kristy sleeping peacefully beside him. Then he looked over at the calendar. Of course. It was that time. Today was a the day. The day that changed his life. The day that the worst that that could ever happen, did.
He had always taken this time off. He would leave. He wouldn't tell Kristy where he was going. Two weeks a year, he would disappear without a trace. The first week of July and the last week. It marked the day of the accident, and the day that ended not only his life, but hers. He had tried to move on. This year he was going to try to be better. To not just leave. To truly accept and not run. He was going to try. But that feeling in his stomach, it changed his mind... And it changed it quick.
Derek climbed into the shower, but not before looking at himself in the mirror. Pale did not even come close to describing the shade of his skin. That sickening feeling. The vine that wrapped around him and choked him out, it was back, and it was back with full force. He climbed into the hot shower, hoping the scalding water would wash off his guilt. Wash off the shame he felt.
It rolled through his head like a well laid out plan. A movie. Slow motion. Sickeningly slow.
"DEREK!" He heard the shrill scream coming from Meredith.
He heard the squealing tires. He wanted to turn his head. There was no time. Just a shot. No time to look. Just a peek. No time to stop. Just a glance. No time. But that is what saved him. He didn't know what was coming. The impact was unbelievable. The force in his body, immense. He heard the twisting metal. The shattering sound of a thousand mirrors breaking. He felt the car flip one, two, three times, four times...
Derek braced his hands against the wall. He couldn't breathe. The memories were rushing back. The worst day of his life, in clear view. His body felt it like it was yesterday. The impact. The pain. The blood. Her moaning. Derek felt the hot water burning his face as he gasped.
When he opened his eyes, it was red. Blood. Blood everywhere. The windshield was shattered, reminiscent to a spiderweb. A bloody spiderweb. The car was on it's side. the top was one with the floor now. He raised his arm slowly, the pain shooting through like a knife. The red was blood. it was in his chest, on his arms. But the blood wasn't his. It was hers.
Derek looked down at his arms, expecting to see the blood. To see that see the deep red liquid covering his body like it was that day. He was expecting to see her perfect face. A face now covered in blood and pain. A face that he thought he would see everyday for the rest of his life. Derek climbed out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist. Running to the toilet he retched. No, he couldn't do it. He couldn't change.
Kristy came down from the upstairs with a big smile on her face. She looked so happy. So satisfied. She looked as if she was the most content, happy woman in the world. She was simple. She was easy to please. And it was today. And today, he couldn't sacrifice for her. Not her. Not for anyone.
She walked over and gave Derek a soft kiss on the cheek.
"Good morning." She said softly as she looked down at him.
"Morning." He grumbled, his stomach doing flip after flip.
"What would you like for breakfast?" She asked with a smile as she looked through the cupboards.
"Nothing." He said simply as he stared at the newspaper. She glared at him. She knew this would happen. The anger began to boil. Two-hundred twelve degrees. Over the side of the pot.
"I wondered. I wondered if this would happen." She said as she shook her head. "And it did."
"What?" Derek asked angrily as he threw the paper down. He knew what. But he didn't want to talk about. And he was damn tired of her trying to.
"Today. Today is the day when you become the biggest prick in the world. When you treat everyone like shit. Twenty-nine days of pure hell." She snapped. "You just need to get over it. Get a life. Whatever it is...it's over!" She yelled out of pure frustration.
"And now you're going to run off, right? Hide away?" She asked as she got in his face.
"It's none of your damn business. What happened- It's mine. Not yours. It will never be yours." He spat angrily as he stood. "And I am leaving. Because I don't want to look at your face. Not right now." He said as he stalked off. "Not ever."
"I don't know why I waste my time." She screamed at him, before bursting onto tears.
"Neither do I." He yelled as he slammed the door, leaving the house.
Kristy threw his coffee mug in the sink, shattering it into a hundred pieces. She didn't care. That was how she felt at the moment. Shattered. Broken. Beyond repair. It had been a false hope. She had really believed that he had changed. And now. Now it was coming back. His anger. His hatred. His grief. It was back. Full force.
------------------
Meredith laid there in the bed. Adrien's bed. It hurt. It was crazy. She knew it was crazy, but she swore that on this day, her pain was the worst it ever was. Same day, every year. She laid completely still willing it to go away. Praying she could just be comfortable. Praying she could breathe. Shallow breath in. Shallow breath out. Shallow breath in. Shallow breath out. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. She could feel his eyes on her.
Adrien watched Meredith. She was awake, that he could tell. Her breathing was rhythmic. Not like usual. Like she was in pain. Like she was breathing through pain. It broke his heart as he sat there and watched her. His frown only increased when he saw a small tear come out of her eye.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly. She only began to cry harder at the sound of his voice. "Meredith... It's okay... Let it out..." He said as he rubbed her arm.
"It's hurts... Oh god, it hurts." She moaned as she opened her eyes
"What hurts?" He asked as he looked at her with concern.
"Everything. It hurts..." She cried as she tensed up. "My purse...my purse." She moaned loudly. Adrien jumped up and grabbed her purse, running back into the room. She quickly grabbed her bottle of pills and took two of them. Adrien grabbed the bottle, looking at it.
"Oh...Meredith." He said with a frown. "What can I do? How can I help you?" He asked in a panic. Pain pills. He never knew.
"A shower... I need the hot water." She said as she attempted to crawl out of the bed. He rushed around to help her. "I can do it..." She said breathlessly as she slowly walked to the bathroom.
Meredith crawled into the shower. The hot water felt good on her aching body. It didn't take her pain away, but it eased it some. She couldn't take it. The pain. Not just the physical, the mental. She couldn't even remember the accident, but it still wore her down. It still affected her deeply. She stood there in the water until the pain took over. She let her back slide down the wall, collapsing to the shower floor.
Adrien heard the water running in the shower. He was sick. Sick from worry. Sick from concern. He knew she was hurting inside, but he didn't realize it was this deep. She was in pain. Serious pain. Seeing the bottle. Seeing her face. Seeing the way she was breathing. It made him physically sick. And he had no idea how to help. No idea at all.
Adrien sat there for what seemed like forever. Listening. Wondering. He loved her, and he was in fear. In fear of overstepping his boundaries again. She didn't come out. He could still hear the water running. Worry began to take over. He didn't know what to think. Forty-five minutes. She had been in there forty-five minutes. She was normally in the shower for ten. He was worried. Finally he did it. He turned the handle. He opened the door.
"Meredith!" He said as he saw her curled up in the shower floor. "Oh my god!" He cried as he quickly pulled the door open. "Oh...Meredith..." He said as his skin went pale.
He looked at her. In the light. He had never seen her in the light. She looked like she had been through a war. Not a battle. A war. The scars. No wonder she was in pain. Adrien grabbed a fluffy towel and turned the water off, wrapping it around her. He quickly picked her up and carried her to his bed.
"Meredith...what happened?" He asked softly as he held her. She cried. In his arms she cried. Not because of comfort. Because she couldn't hold it in. She couldn't look into his eyes and hold onto the lie. He sat there with her, holding her in his arms. Finally she looked up at him and stopped.
"I'm okay." She said as she wiped her eyes and pulled away, getting out of the bed.
"What happened to you?" He asked as he looked at her, waiting for an answer.
"I can't-- Not today." She said as she grabbed her clothes.
"You need to stay home today." He said with worry.
"I can't-- Not today." She reiterated as she walked in and shut the bathroom door.
Adrien leaned up against the door and sighed. It was upsetting. It was frustrating. She was in pain, and there was no helping. She shut down. Closed him out. Threw up the walls. Pulled up the drawbridge. He didn't know what he would do for her. And he didn't even know if there was anything he could.
----------------
Meredith walked slowly into Seattle Grace. There was nowhere else she'd rather be. More like no where else to be. She was just going to go on. Just as she had for the last fourteen years. Just going on. Moving on. Or whatever they say.
Adrien smiled at her as she walked towards the locker room. Everyone knew about the two of them, but nothing was said. They didn't scream it from the rooftops. They didn't make it public. She could tell but the look on his face that he was worried. He was upset. But he had no idea how she felt. Things weren't perfect. And they never would be.
"Hey." Kristy muttered as Meredith walked up to the nurse's station.
"Hey." Meredith answered in almost the same tone. Two friends, beaten down. "What's going on?" Meredith asked, knowing that was what Kristy wanted her to ask.
"Derek...He's an ass. God. He-" Kristy started Meredith whipped her head around.
"Wait! Did you just say Derek?" Not today. She couldn't hear it today. She was too fragile. It was too much. Not that name.
"Yeah. Derek. Anyway. He's gone back to his old self. Not that I'm surprised. Once an ass, always an ass." She said as she shook her head.
"I thought he was doing better." Meredith answered as she looked at a chart. This was good. The talking was off of her. She could just listen. Not worry about her own issues.
"He was. But-- It's this time of the year. He gets all crazy. But anyway. I can't deal with it. We fought this morning. He even took my keys. I think he did it on accident. But that's beside the point. I had to take a fucking cab to work. I can't stand it. I thought we were doing so good..." Kristy said sadly. She looked up at Meredith. She could see that something was wrong. Really wrong.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm just-- Don't worry. I'm fine." Meredith said with a frown.
"You don't look fine." Kristy stated firmly as she looked at her friend with concern.
"This is just a bad day for me, that's all." Meredith said as she turned on her heel and walked away.
Meredith couldn't focus. It was hard. It was hard to deal with this day. For some reason this year it was worse that it had ever been. Through the surgery with de Gaulle, all she could think about was waking up alone. Not able to speak. Waking up, expecting Derek to be there. Only to open her eyes to nothing. Her mother. Just her mother. He promised he wouldn't leave. He promised. He said they would be together forever.
Meredith dragged her feet through the hospital. The day went slow. It was dull. Of course it was dull. Not even a ten car pileup would have been able to keep her mind off of everything. She looked at the clock, ten minutes to go. She couldn't wait. For the first time, she couldn't wait to go home. She couldn't wait to hug the bottle. She couldn't wait to drown him out. Fall into the blackness that was nothing.
"Hey, Mer?" Kristy asked as she walked in the locker room. She looked around to see it empty.
"Yeah?" Meredith asked as she did her belt and looked up.
"I wouldn't-- I know you're tired... But-- Do you think you could run me home?" Kristy asked with a faint smile. "I'd understand--" She said nervously.
"Kristy, of course I can take you home." Meredith said firmly. She slammed her locker shut and opened the door, heading to the elevator. She couldn't speak, for fear that she would crack. Then it would spill. The pain would rush through the crack like a broken dam, spilling out her contents. Her secrets. A long silence passed as she stared at the metal doors.
"So what are you going to do, about Derek?" She finally asked for dear that Kristy would ask her about herself. To say that name made her sick. She hated that name. She hated him. Him and his lack of morals.
"I don't know. He probably won't be there. He hides away." Kristy explained as they approached Meredith's car. Meredith didn't want to take her home. It just delayed her meeting with the bottle. "Every year. He hides away."
"I don't know, Kris-- I don't know anything anymore." Meredith said sadly as she pulled out of the parking lot. And it was the truth. She had no knowledge. Everything she knew, ended up destroyed.
"Me neither." She admitted with a sigh as she looked out the window.
Meredith drove down the road distractedly. She couldn't think about anything but him. Was he hugging his kids? Making love to his wife? working the perfect job that went along with his perfect life? I'll always love you. It will always be like this. Bullshit. That's not what happened. He left. He ran. He hid. Hid away from her. Leaving her in a mess. He nearly killed her. Physically. Emotionally. She was a wreck. And he just left.
Meredith pulled into Kristy's driveway. She saw a car sitting there. A knot formed in her stomach. Maybe she should go in. Maybe this would be bad. Something didn't feel right. She couldn't explain it. Something was off. She looked over at Kristy, who had a look of dread on her face.
"He's here. Asshole is here." She said with a sigh as she grabbed her bag and opened the door.
"Do you want me to come in?" Meredith asked with worry. Not that she was worried for her safety. Maybe she just needed support.
"You don't have to...but..." Kristy said quickly. Meredith could tell she wanted her to.
"Let's go..." Meredith said, hoping to relieve the tension. She swung the door opened and looked at the perfect looking home. Anyone who saw it would never know it was perfectly broken.
She walked. One foot in front of the other. A painful walk. A walk in which force was pushing in all directions. Suspended. Suspended in time. Suspended in motion. No momentum. She walked. Kristy pushed the door open and looked around. Meredith glanced over at the sofa.
"I'm home..." Kristy said softly. He didn't respond. He just sat. A head of dark curls. Not moving.
"Derek! Don't be rude. Meredith is here. This is my friend, the one I have been telling you about." No response. "Meredith, this is my husband, Derek Shepherd. Derek, this is Meredith Grey."
Meredith quit breathing. Derek wiped his head around. Their eyes met. It couldn't be. No way. It was impossible. Crazy. Not true. They looked. Crazy. No way. Totally insane. Fourteen years. Fourteen long, painful years. Fourteen years of feeling dead. Felling alone. And then green met blue.
Meredith stood there in shock. Derek. Derek Shepherd. The love of her life. The man who left her fourteen years ago. The man who left her alone. The man who left her broken. Torn. Destroyed. Derek Shepherd. The source of her pain. Right there in her best friend's living room. More importantly, her best friend's husband.
"You were watching me..."
"I was not watching you."
"I was not watching you. I am watching everyone. So I guess you are included."
Meredith looked into his eyes. It was a look of shock. A look up surprise. A look of amazement. He looked so much like he once did. He had aged, of course. But he was still Derek Shepherd. He was still her Derek. Her Derek who left. The reason she drank herself to sleep every night. The reason she was in severe pain all of the time. The source of her anger.
"We'll have kids. The white picket fence. The big house. The dog. We'll have it all."
Derek looked at her. It couldn't be. She couldn't be alive. She was dead. Gone. She had taken a long dirt nap. She was standing in front of him. Broken. She was broken, he could see it in her eyes. She lived. But how did she live? Who cares, she was alive. In his living room. Alive.
"She's in there." Derek muttered, not looking away from her.
"Derek..." Richard said with a faint smile.
"I swear she smiled..." It was a lie, but they were giving up hope.
"Derek..." Richard said as he looked Derek in the eyes. "We've decided...we're going to take her off of the life support. She wouldn't want to live like this. We're going to pull the plug..."
She really had been in there all along. She was there. He knew she was. And now he was right.
"I-- I have to go!" Meredith said as she turned on her heel and ran out of the house. The perfect house. The perfectly broken house. Now it was explained. Now it made more sense. Her vision turned to tunnel vision and she threw the door open and slammed it behind her.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. It was too much. He was there. Derek Shepherd. The love of her life. Her soul-mate. In Seattle. Married to her friend. She ran to her car. The pain she was feeling decreased as her speed increased. Her feet pounded on the sidewalk. She jumped into the driver's seat, and started the car. She had to get away. She had to run.
Derek was in shock. She can't leave. He can't lose her. Not now. Not after everything. Not after the personal hell that he now lived in. Not after fourteen years of grief and torture. She was there. In his living room. She had been there all along. Right under his nose. Seattle. Seattle Grace. Right here. In his house. The earring? Hers.
"I have to-- 911..." Derek lied as he looked down at his pager and jumped up from the sofa, running outside. He couldn't lose her. He had to find her. And he had to find her now.
Derek pulled out of his driveway quicker than he ever had. Rational thought was out the window. He was on a mission. He had to find her. Reverse. Pause. Drive. Pressing his foot on the gas he made a quick left, right glance at the end of the deserted suburb street, and kept on. He had to catch her. He squinted as he looked off in the distance. A black BMW. It was her. She was dead ahead. So close, and yet so far.
Meredith looked at the traffic ahead of her. The road was pretty deserted. The tears flowed freely from her eyes. Her vision was getting blurry. Eyes red. It was her Derek. The man she loved so much. She didn't want to face him. She wasn't ready. As she drove she started putting the pieces together.
He leaves this time every time year.
He wakes up in a cold sweat every night.
I love him, but he doesn't love me...
He wasn't happy. All these years. She wanted him to be miserable, and it ended up, he was. He was miserable. And apparently it poured onto everyone else. She felt her heart break, just a little more with every thought. He was married. He moved on. But he didn't. He ran. It kept going through her head. He ran away.
Meredith pulled into her parking spot. She glanced into her rearview mirror and gasped. There he was. Right behind her. His black Denali, pulled up right behind her BMW. Bumper to bumper. She pulled the keys out of the ignition, slamming the door shut as she climbed out. She could hear him. She had to ignore. She couldn't do it.
Derek jumped out of his car, not even bothering to shut the door. The door sat open, keys in the ignition. He had to catch her. He had to see her. He had to feel her soft skin on his hand. He had to feel the warmth that was life. The blood flowing through her veins. The soft shade of healthy flesh. She looked back at him before she began running.
"Meredith! Meredith!" He screamed as he chased after her. She was getting away. But she was trapped. He knew where she was going. But he had to get there before it was too late.
The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
"Please! Stop!" He yelled as he chased. He was desperate. Desperate to know that he wasn't crazy. Desperate to know she really was there.
Meredith heard him yelling. Why? Not now. She couldn't do it now. She glanced back. He was too close. She had always thought, every time she went to her door... How would you hurry if their was a mugger approaching? Could you get the key in the hole in time? Now was that time. The time to find out. She got her key ready as she approached. She slid it in. Click. Turn. Push.
"Meredith!" Derek shouted as he reached the door. He reached out. So close. So damn close.
Slam.
In his face. All of his hope. All of his anticipation. She just ran away. She hid. She slammed the door. She left him in the cold. But why? She seemed desperate to escape from him. Almost scared. She looked scared. Scared of him. Scared of the situation. Scared.
All I wanted just span right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.
"Meredith please. Please. I need to--" Derek cried out. The tears now falling from his eyes. She was dead. And now she's not. And now... Now she wouldn't even look at him. She wouldn't speak to him.
"Please? Mer?" He cried out out at his fist hit the door. It was too much. She was right there, and he couldn't do anything about it. He stood there staring at the door. hoping. Hoping she would open it. She wouldn't. No way. He leaned his back against the door and slid down.
Meredith stood at the door listening to him. More than anything she wanted to open that door. To pretend nothing had happened. To hold him. She wanted to feel his lips on hers. Smell his perfect scent. Feel his touch. But she couldn't. She wouldn't allow herself to feel. She couldn't allow herself to fall back into his trap. Meredith leaned against the slid down, her knees to her chest.
Derek sat there. How could he not piece it together? Why hadn't he listened to Kristy? He could have been happy. He would have known, even if it was just months earlier.
"So the new resident...I like her." Kristy said as she began dressing. "She's great."
"That's nice." Derek said as he lathered up his hair.
"She's sad. Depressed. But...I don't know. I feel so sorry for her." Kristy said with a frown. "She has been through a lot. She doesn't talk about it."
"Oh." Derek muttered as he continued to wash.
"I think I just need to be there for her. I think I could help her." Kristy said with a hopeful tone.
"Maybe she doesn't want help." Derek spat. That was how he felt. He didn't want her help. Maybe whoever it was didn't either. Kristy stayed silent.
"I think I am going to ask her to Joe's. Maybe you could meet us?" Kristy suggested.
"Maybe." He answered, knowing there was no way in hell he would. He opened the shower door and grabbed a towel, tightly wrapping himself.
"You won't. You never do. I never see you." She whined as she looked over at him.
Kristy had went to the bar with her. They drank. They talked. She was with his wife. wife. That word made him sick. Married. A mistake. And now she's back. The love of his life had returned. She was back and he needed her. He thought back to Kristy's hints that he didn't pick up on.
"It was fun. It was...different. In a good way." Kristy explained.
"That's nice." Derek said as he looked at the inside of his eyelids.
"It was. For the first time, in a long time...I just...I felt human." She explained with a sigh. "She's so sad. I don't know how to help her. She seems to be coming along. And then she's not. Whoever hurt her...they hurt her bad."
"That's not good." Derek said with a sigh. What the hell was he doing? He didn't care about her friend or her problems.
"Yeah. She just needs to move on. She needs to find happiness. She just waits. She won't admit it, but she waits. I actually think that she thinks he will come back. It's been over a decade. He's not coming back." She said with a frown.
"Why do you care?" He asked as he opened his eyes and looked into her blue ones.
"What?" She said with confusion.
"Why do you care about her?" Derek asked. He was getting irritated.
"I just do. She's a nice person. She needs my help. I want to make a difference." Kristy explained softly.
"But why? Nothing you say will matter. Maybe she doesn't want your help. You meddle. Maybe she wants peace. Maybe she's happy being miserable." Derek pointed out.
"Like you?" Kristy asked with a huff.
Whoever hurt her? It was him. She had shared how broken she was with his wife. His wife of all people. She knew. She knew Meredith was broken. Everyone knew. And he got a glimpse of that today. The earring. She had been in his house. And more importantly, she still wore them.
Hours. Hours. Several hours went by. Neither moved. The thoughts of the past flowing freely through their brains. The perfection that they once were, feeling so perfect. She couldn't take it. The pressure. The love. The betrayal. The guilt. The grief. It was a tidal wave.
"Mer...I know you're there. I can feel you..." He said softly. He could he could feel her there. He could feel her through the door. Just as he had at the hospital. And at the bar. She had been there. So close.
"I need to touch your face. I need to feel it. I need to know, Mer. I need to know that you are alive. I have to see it. I won't believe it until I see it. Until I feel you." He said as he voice cracked. People had walked by. he didn't care he didn't care what they thought about him.
Meredith sighed as she stood up. It was too much. She couldn't take it. It had to end. It all had to stop. She sighed again as she looked at the door. The closed door. The piece of wood that separated her from him. She put her hand on the handle and turned.
Derek jumped up. She moved. He could feel it. She was standing just on the other side. She was standing. Waiting. But for what? Derek watched at the door opened. He gasped as he looked at her. It was her. She was there. Standing right in front of him.
There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety
Derek stood there in awe. There she was. Right there. He reached his hand up and placed it on her cheek. He smiled as he felt it's warmth. So soft. So perfect. Just as he remembered. It felt like yesterday. Like fourteen years ago.
No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever
In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,
Meredith placed her hand over his. Their eyes never leaving one another's. Her lover. Her soul-mate. The man she lost her virginity to. The one and only man that had taken her heart. The man that consumed her brain. The man that made her feel safe. She was there. She was alive. The love of his life. His soul-mate.
"You're alive..." He whispered.
No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever
You're all saying finally, right? Well there it is. He found her.