AN: Thanks for the reading and reviewing. I hope you've liked the story so far. This chapter is a little darker, but hopefully some things will be explained. I really don't like 'sad' and did my very best to keep this from being sad. I absolutely hate death fics. This is not one of those. Basically, I look at the visit to Castiel's past as being overly dramatized. When writing this, I pictured Sam and Dean's bad acting in "The French Mistake". That made it easier to write. (Yes, I am a wimp.) I Hope you enjoy and thanks again for reading. (Castiel's past is in italics)
Chapter 13: Time For Someone To Die…sort of
"Castiel, if you can hear me… I need you. Dean laid on the cold dirt, his hand grasping his chest, blood trickling from the corners of his mouth. He listened for the tell-tale sound of flapping wings, but heard nothing except the sound of his own ragged breath. "Cas, I'm dying here, man. Please."
The angel appeared beside Dean, not expecting the extent of damage he saw. He instinctively kneeled down, covering the wound with his hand to heal it, like he had so many times before. The touch did no good. The wound refused to close. Castiel suddenly remembered and worry turned to desperation.
"Dean, I can't fix this. You know I can't fix this." Dean remained silent, staring in disbelief at the friend he hadn't seen in so long. "Tell me what you did so I can save you." Hands covered with blood, Castiel grabbed Dean's shirt collar and pulled him up. His blue eyes wide with horror and brimming with fear. "Please, tell me so I can fix it."
Dean slowly raised a hand and brought it to Cas' cheek. "You can't fix it, Cas. That's not why I called you." Dean didn't have enough strength to keep his hand raised and it slowly slid back to his side. He drowsily blinked his eyelids, trying to remain conscious.
Castiel put a hand behind Dean's head for support, holding him in place. "Dean please, I'm begging you. The past doesn't matter. It never did." Castiel's eyes brimmed with wetness. Desperation and grief visible in the contours of his face. "Please let me save you. Don't make me watch you die." Castiel ran his fingers over the wounds, trying to will them away.
Dean walked closer to where Castiel watched as the past played out in front of them and put a hand on his shoulder. "Please don't do that." Castiel quickly shook Dean's hand off, his eyes never leaving the scene in front of them.
"This is one hell of a death scene. Might even be my best work yet. I smell an Oscar." Dean smirked, but the angel just moved a step away.
"Your sarcasm is even less funny in this instance, Dean." Dean rolled his eyes, figuring that his award winning humor was wasted anyway and moved his gaze back to the scene in front of him.
Dean blinked his eyes to focus on the angel and forced himself to speak. "Can't…Cas…need you to know…" Dean's words were lost to choked coughs as more blood spilled from his mouth. The angel kneeling next to him gently wiped the blood from his lips, earning him a strained smile in return. "I'm...Cas…sorry." The fallen hunter grabbed the angel's hand and pressed it to his lips. "…had to make you believe…please understand….was the only way I could…" The words remained unspoken as all life left Dean's eyes, still locked on Cas'. Instead of the usual unspoken longing, this time only death stared back.
"Wow, I know you don't know much about Hollywood, but that, my friend, is the performance of a lifetime." Dean nudged Castiel with his elbow. "Man, I can barely hold back tears." Dean's smirk faded as the angel turned to him and glared.
"I didn't just jump through time and watch this scene, Dean. This is not one of your television shows. I had to live it. I find it astonishing that you have so little tact that you can't even be bothered to keep your mouth shut." Castiel's eyes bore into Dean's with a fury that he hadn't seen in a long time. Dean caught himself taking a step back, as if he could really run if Castiel wanted to kick his ass.
Castiel started to advance on him, but stopped himself, took a deep breath and released the fists that he barely realized he'd been clenching. "Just keep watching, Dean. But please, at least try to keep your mouth shut for a few moments. That is if you have the desire to make it back to your little angel in one piece. My patience is not what it used to be." Dean swallowed a lump in his throat and looked back.
The angel kneeled before the dead hunter, his head bowed as though in prayer. The silence and stillness of the night was broken by the sound of Sam hollering his brother's name as he ran towards the body. Castiel stood up and turned to Sam, his head still lowered. "There's no need to burn his body. Nothing's left." The words were cold, emotionless and unfeeling. He simply stepped around Sam, not bothering to look up.
Sam put a hand on his shoulder to stop his retreat. "Please Cas, fix him. Please. Whatever happened between you two, I know you can't just let him die. You can't just walk away." Tears started falling down Sam's face. "Please, Cas. Don't let him die." Sam's grip tightened, trying desperately to pull him back.
Castiel shoved Sam's hand off his shoulder. "He is already dead, Sam. I can't bring him back. He made sure of that. Bury your brother and leave me the hell alone." Castiel finally raised his head to look Sam in the eyes. His once blue eyes were now the color of cold steel. Sam jumped back, startled. "Cas…" But with a flutter of wings, Castiel vanished, leaving Sam to mourn his brother alone.
"Well Cas, I guess it's just me and you." Rob could see the worried expression on his face. "I know it's hard for you to believe, but he won't hurt him. You don't need to worry about that."
Cas stared at him with a clear look of distaste. "How is it that even now, you continue to defend him?"
Rob sincerely smiled at Cas for the first time since he met him. "It's complicated and even if I did betray him, I know that I did it for the right reasons. Yeah, I sit around a table and bitch about too many laws with a bunch of people, but it's not like we could ever really make a move against him. My conscious is clear."
Cas nodded. "What if I could give you a way to move against him? If you had a way to take him down, would you be able to do it?"
The enforcer thought about it for a moment, then frowned. "I'm not sure, Cas. I know you're right and I know he's gone a little off the rails, but I honestly don't know. It would kill me; that I do know."
Cas untucked the black shirt and pulled an angel blade from the waist of his jeans. He held it out to Rob who suddenly froze, the color draining from his face. "Take it. Rob, he is over-confidant. He lets you get closer than anyone else and doesn't believe you'd ever even think about killing him. Even now, after what you did, he still sees you as an ally." Cas easily noticed the question in his eyes. "Yes, even after you betrayed him. Trust me, he gets the whole 'I did it for you' thing, even if he feigned misunderstanding. It probably made him believe that you care even more. It will be easy for you to get close enough to do it."
Rob took a step back, refusing to touch the blade. "I thought Castiel took that from you."
Cas smiled. "One of the advantages of possessing the human ability to deceive." He held the blade out yet again, but like last time, Rob refused to take it.
"You can use it better than me. Why don't you just do it?"
Cas inhaled deeply, hating to admit the truth. "Because Dean would stop me. I'm human right now, which means he's stronger than me. He'll instinctively protect Castiel and our one chance will be ruined. It has to be you, Rob. Fate has designated you Brutus, to his Caesar."
"Fate?" Rob shook his head. "Dean is in love with you, whether you see it or not. Jerrie said that even Sam knew it. Apparently you were the only one who didn't. He'll back your plan. I can't say that I like the 'way' he loves you, but I can't deny that he does."
Cas rolled his eyes and huffed. "Yes, he does love me, I'm not blind. That is part of the problem. Castiel is me too, which means that he also loves him. If he's forced to choose, it will be him. Castiel is the real me." Cas knew that Rob couldn't possibly understand and time was running out to make his case. "Your Castiel is confidant and powerful. He's a force of nature. He's everything I used to be. I'm broken, Rob. All I am now is just a look-a-like that's willing to sleep with him. I'm not the Castiel that he really wants."
"You really are, without a doubt, the most…" Rob couldn't believe his ears. "I just don't get you. Him, I understand. He's all about purpose. I get it when he's a complete idiot about human stuff, but you're supposed to be sort of human, yet you say that like it's so simple, like you don't even care."
"It is simple. Most things in life are simple, humans just think too much." He paused and looked out into the afternoon sun. "I do care, Rob. It hurts worse than any physical wound I've ever received and I don't know how to make it stop hurting. But not accepting the truth isn't going to heal it either. Dean will never let me kill Castiel, there is no doubt in my mind about that. It has to be you."
"You are more like him than either of you realize. I think you are exactly the version Dean wants. Like this, he gets to control you, protect you. You have to depend on him. I think you're wrong about what Dean actually wants." There was no sympathy in his tone, only judgment.
"There's a big difference between want and need. If I were faced with Dean's evil self, I couldn't kill him either and I wouldn't let Dean kill him. When you love someone, you love all of them, the good and the bad; their weaknesses and their strengths. Right now, in this setting, I am all one and Castiel is all the other."
"Castiel is not evil." Despite the protest, Rob cautiously took the knife and turned it over in his hand, studying it as though memorizing it's every detail. Cas took this as acceptance. "If you kill him, I can get Dean to remove this sigil so I can get my powers back. We'll be able to go home. All the bloodshed, the fear and pain, it will never have to come to be."
"And I die." Cas realized, from the resignation in Rob's tone, that he wasn't being metaphorical.
"Rob, tell me why you trust him so much."
Dean stood in shock, with his mouth open in disbelief. He composed himself enough to speak. "If you hate me so much, why do you come back here? Why watch this over and over?" When Castiel didn't answer, Dean allowed himself to get angry. "Tell me, damn it!"
Castiel slowly turned around, his anger replaced by solemn resignation. "Because I don't understand." He looked at Dean questioningly. "He never finished telling me why he did what he did, why he said those things, why he lied to me for so long…why he made me watch him die." Castiel bit his lower lip, reminding him that underneath everything, this really was still Cas, just a hurt, broken, angry version. "After everything, I guess part of me just hopes that this will be the one time it changes and he finishes the sentence…so I can understand. He looked up to meet Dean's gaze. "But he never does. I gave everything for you, would have gladly given more. I just want to understand why it wasn't enough."
"If I could finish the sentence for you, do you think it would make a difference? Will it really fix everything if you know why?" Dean's words were half sincere, half sarcasm. There was no way he could possibly finish the sentence, even if he could, he doubted it would change anything.
Castiel's eyes seemed to suddenly grow colder and his features turned hard. The change sent a shiver down Dean's spine. "I think it would help more if you explain how you find the nerve to say anything at all to me after what you said seven months before this." Cas put two fingers to Dean's head and they were suddenly standing in a dirty hotel room, watching as Dean and Cas stood only inches apart, staring awkwardly into each other's eyes.
"Dean, I don't understand. I thought we were friends." Cas held Dean's gaze, desperately trying to understand why he'd just told him to leave.
"Friends Cas? Really? Do you even know what that is? What it means, how it feels?" Dean finally broke the eye contact and turned around. "No Cas, you were an ally. Hell, I would have befriended anyone to save Sam. You were a useful weapon in a war we couldn't win on our own. After that, more shit kept coming our way and I needed your mojo to beat it." He turned back around. "But all that's over now. I don't need you anymore. It's gone too far and you being here all the time just, it's just wrong. Go home, Cas. You cause more problems here than you're actually worth because you don't belong here."
"I don't belong in heaven either, Dean. I can't go back now. I'm not like them anymore." Cas was almost pleading, his eyes glassy with tears that simply wouldn't fall. "I can still help. I'll stay far enough away, you won't even know I'm around. I'll just show up if you need me, like before."
"I won't need you for anything, Cas. Don't you get it? I don't want you here at all. I found a spell that makes it impossible for you to heal me, so hanging around for that won't be necessary either." Dean took a deep breath and shut his eyes for a second. "As for returning to heaven, it's kind of your fault that you can't go back. I don't really care where you go, just as long as you go somewhere. I don't have any use for you here." Dean turned away, unable to face Cas. "You're just a supernatural creature, a monster. I hunt and kill monsters. I don't work with them and I sure as hell don't count them as friends." Castiel disappeared without another word, leaving Dean alone in the empty room.
"I found out the truth about humans that day. I finally realized why my kind hated you so much. I trusted you, let myself care about you and all I was to you was a useful weapon, easily discarded." Castiel snickered slightly before turning to face Dean. "You know, the worst thing about all this is that you never had to lie. There was no reason for you to pretend. I would have fought beside you, regardless. I believed in the cause as much as I believed in you. It was the right thing to do."
Dean was speechless. After hearing what he'd said to Castiel, he couldn't blame him for hating him. All that kept replaying in his mind was that, even after the cruel words, the stupid angel still wanted to save him seven months later. "Cas…"
Fury boiled in Castiel's veins. Dean was thrown against the wall hard enough to crack the plaster. "Don't you dare call me that. I'm not him. Cas is the one waiting for you to return, the one who trusted you enough to take his powers away without hesitation. Cas is the one who actually believes that you give a damn about him, when in reality, you've simply found another use for him."
Dean picked himself up off the ground, his body aching from the blow. "He was lying. I don't know why or how I could ever be that cruel, but he lied to you." Dean risked another hit by taking Castiel's shoulder and turning him to look towards the other Dean. "Look at him and tell me that you really believe he's that cold. Tell me, Cas! You know me better than I know myself sometimes. Do you really believe that I could have actually meant the things I just said?" Dean let go of Castiel's shoulder and forced himself to look into the strange, gray eyes. "How could you be so quick to believe the lie, but even now refuse to see the truth?"
"Twenty-one months ago I had a wife. Her name was Kay. We had a three year old son. He was so full of life, handsome and smart. Everything was perfect. Life was perfect." Rob's blue eyes became watery, tears threatening to fall.
"We were picnicking at Sansaw Lake. It was a beautiful, clear day. An elderly lady approached us and asked if we had any extra bread so she could feed the ducks." Rob shook his head, a tear rolled down his face. "I didn't even question it. I just left them there with her to walk back to the car for the extra loaf of bread we'd brought with us. Everyone feeds the ducks at Sansaw Lake. It's kind of what you do there. By the time I got back, my son was gone and I watched as a head full of razor sharp teeth tore into Kay's flesh. Her screams seemed to last hours. I couldn't even move. I just stood there and let her die."
Cas could see the guilt in Rob's eye's as he continued. "The thing moved towards me when it was done with her, and god help me, I wanted it to kill me too. I just fell to my knees and waited for the pain, but it never came. Castiel appeared from nowhere and sliced the damn thing's head off."
Rob looked up at Cas, who's eyes reflected the sadness of his own. "I bet your savior never bothered to tell you that he's the one who brought those creatures into this world in the first place. He/I am the reason your wife and child are dead, Rob. He is no hero and you don't owe him a thing."
Cas turned away, knowing there would be no end to the damage he'd caused. He took a step to walk away, but was pulled back by a hand on his shoulder. "Just stop. How can you think so little of yourself? You hate him because you hate yourself and that's not fair." Rob's words startled Cas and he turned to the man in front of him.
"I was so angry that he saved me. I wanted to die. I begged him to kill me too, but of course he refused. He told me that it was him that deserved to die because it was his fault that Kay and Danny were dead. Cas, he sat me down and told me what he'd done. When he was finished, he handed me one of those damn angel knives and told me I had two choices. I could exact my revenge on Kay and Danny's real killer by shoving that blade through his heart, or I could help him rid the world of other monsters so maybe others wouldn't have to experience what I did."
Cas rolled his eyes and huffed. "I can see that you think it was a noble gesture, but what he did was con and deceive you into feeling sorry for him. He made you one of his damn disciples through trickery."
Rob wanted to get angry, but after dealing with the constant self-hate issues for the past two years, he was kind of used to it. "No, you don't get it. He gave me a reason to live, a mission. If I had walked away, I would have killed myself. It was too much for any man to handle at one time. He taught me how to save people, he gave me my life back. No, he can't bring Kay and Danny back, but in some small way, I'm honoring their memory by saving others."
Cas took a deep breath and looked away, but Rob moved to stand in front of him again. "Look, you screwed up and caused a lot of pain, but your intentions were good. Everyone makes mistakes. It's how you deal with the consequences of those mistakes that really matters."
Cas shook his head and looked away again. Rob took a step back and decided to give up. He could tell that even this version hated himself too much to see the truth.
Dean clutched his stomach and slid down to the floor. A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked up at the empty room. "I know you can hear me, you son of a bitch. I hate you." Without warning Dean picked up a half-full whiskey bottle and flung in in the exact place Future Castiel and Dean stood invisibly watching, spraying liquid and broken glass in every direction. "I hate you. I hope you're happy now you sadistic piece of…" The last words were broken and muted as Dean lowered his head into his hands.
Dean finally understood. "Cruel to be kind." His words were soft, as if speaking them to himself.
Castiel turned to Dean, startled by the abrupt words that came out of nowhere. "What?"
Dean stared at him in disbelief. "The sentence he never finished before he died… just two missing words, you stupid son of a bitch. It's the only way he could save you. That's what he was trying to say."
"Save me from what, exactly?" Castiel asked plainly.
Dean gave him an odd, confused expression. "You know damn, good and well what…me. I kill you and feed you to a monster. You die because of me. This way is better."
"I guess you just want me to take your word for it, give you a big hug and kiss and tell you it's all okay, right?" Castiel glared at Dean. "I don't think so. You had no idea about the future at this point in time. I know because I didn't. This wasn't about you saving anything. This was about you finally speaking the truth for the first time since you met me."
Dean couldn't contradict Castiel's argument. Cas would have seen right through any attempt to send him away for that reason. But still, Dean could tell the other him was lying. He knew the words weren't true, at least not the part he spoke to Castiel directly. Why didn't Castiel? "Look, I don't know what that was about, but I know he wasn't telling the truth. I know how I feel, Damn it."
"Do you, Dean? Or do you just dislike being called out for your bullshit?"
"Cursing is against the law Castiel. We wouldn't want to let your enforcers hear that kind of language."
"Is everything a joke to you?" Castiel didn't have the energy to deal with Dean anymore. "You hide behind sarcasm and stupid jokes because deep down, you know I'm right. If you had a reasonable explanation besides the obvious, you'd state it." Dean started to argue, but Castiel stopped him. "No Dean, I've showed you what you wanted to see. I hope it satisfied your curiosity. I've had enough of this-enough of you."
"Whatever you may think, Castiel saved my life. How could I possibly take his?" Rob looked up at Cas and shook his head, dropping the blade to his feet. "I won't do it. If you want him dead so badly, you'll have to figure out a way to do it yourself."
Cas bent down and picked up the knife, calling to Rob as he started to walk away. "You do this and I'll make sure your family lives."
Rob stopped in his tracks, frozen in place. After a second of thought he slowly turned around, waiting for Cas to explain. "They're not dead yet in my time. I can still save them." Cas held the blade out to him once again.
Rob took a couple of steps closer, eyeing the blade with new interest, but didn't take it. "So, you'll save them if I kill Castiel?" He didn't give Cas a chance to answer. "What if I refuse? You'd let an innocent woman and child die?" Rob shook his head. "Whatever happens to change you…I think it needs to happen. Not only is he the better angel, he's the better man. He'd never blackmail me into killing someone. You can go straight to hell." Rob turned away and got a few steps before Cas hollered for him.
"Stop, damn it. I didn't mean it that way. How can you value his life above your wife and child's?" Cas was tired of being misunderstood and distrusted. "I can't save them unless he dies and I can get home. But if by chance we get there anyway, of course I'll save them. You have my word." Cas could clearly see the torment in his eyes. "I understand. We'll find another way. But I promise, if I get back to my time, I will make it right."
"You can't change the past, Cas. Castiel told me that. He told me that the risks are too great. When he threatened to restart the apocalypse, it was just a bluff. He told me he was just trying to scare Dean. I can't sacrifice the safety of the world for my own selfish needs. And I can't let you." Rob lowered his head. "What's done is done."
"It's not my past, Rob. It's in my future. That makes a difference. They don't have to die. There wouldn't be a risk." He walked to Rob and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Even if there was a risk, it seems worth it to me."
"You would really risk the consequences to save two insignificant people?" Rob almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Castiel would never do that."
"Yeah well, I guess it's something I learned from a friend." He paused for a second to find the words. "Sometimes when all you're looking at is the bigger picture, you can miss the more important details."
"I'm guessing that friend is Dean, right?" Rob quietly asked, a little smile on his face. "You know, all his influence isn't necessarily a good thing. How is it that Dean, a pretty messed up human, is able to influence an angel? Why is he so important?"
"I don't know. He just sort of has an unusual effect on me." Castiel answered as honestly as he could. Sure he could come up with some long, drawn out analysis of their relationship, but in the end, he really just didn't know. "I'm sure Castiel has explained some of it."
"Yeah, but his view isn't exactly all peaches and cream. Isn't it true that he abandoned you when you needed him the most? Doesn't he treat you like a child, expect you to follow his lead? Would things not have been different if he'd stood beside you instead of expecting you to follow his commands?"
Cas felt his blood draining from his face. "I want to be honest with you here, but the answer isn't really black and white. He wasn't the only one who refused to back my play. Logically, he shouldn't have. He was right." Cas caught his breath, hoping that if he could explain it properly to Rob, maybe he could understand it better himself. "Back at the cabin, you said that you back his plans even if you don't agree. You do that to distinguish yourself from Dean, prove that you're the better friend. Unfortunately, that makes you just as bad."
Cas watched as Rob rolled his eyes to the ground. "How can you say that? I see, even here, how he treats you like a kid. Hell, you've even pitched a fit about it a couple of times." Cas found it humorous that pitching a fit was exactly what a kid would do, but instead of pointing that out, he continued to listen. "I'm just not sure what gives him the right to dictate right from wrong, especially after what he did, himself."
Cas smiled, surprisingly it was a genuine smile. "I'm an angel, not a toddler that needs his hand held. Dean is principled, sometimes a little too much, but he tried. Dean is just Dean. He thinks he's responsible for everyone. Castiel knows this and so do I. He's bitter about something and finding every single fault he can with Dean. Dean has his defense mechanisms, I have mine. Ultimately, we're all responsible for our own actions, Dean has yet to learn that. It doesn't make him a bad guy, just a bit of a...dick at times, his word, not mine. Being a good friend doesn't mean you can't disagree. I haven't always agreed with his decisions either."
Rob looked confused. "I really don't understand how so much could change in just a few months. Don't get me wrong, I believe what you're saying, but I watched, first hand as he destroyed a part of you. I saw all the pain it caused and how you had to bury it to take on whatever the mess is that happened to the world. I know he means a lot to you, but he's your Achilles' heel. He literally destroys you."
"You're wrong and I'm tired of hearing that." The smile quickly faded from Cas' face. "If that's so true, why is it that Dean's the one buried in a damn field? It seems the opposite to me, Rob. Six months from now he watches Dean die. He was there and he just let it happen. Who destroyed who?"
"You really don't know, do you?" Rob watched as confusion spread across Cas' face. "You didn't see. Cas, you don't just let him die. That fight you two had, Dean found some way to make it impossible to heal him. He did it to keep you away. He called you when he was already beyond any medical help and he knew you wouldn't be able to heal him. He knew when he called you, that all you'd be able to do was helplessly watch him die."
Somehow, Cas knew that Rob was telling the truth. He didn't visit that night because watching that was not something he ever wanted to do. "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm sure there's something we're all missing here."
"I'm sure that it doesn't matter. We won't have that fight and none of this will happen. That is all." He tucked the knife back into his pocket and walked away, taking a seat on a bench near the edge of the small pond that served as the centerpiece of the park.
Rob followed him and took a seat next to him. "Listen, as soon as Dean gets back, I have to join Jerrie in Montana. There's a land dispute that broke out and things got pretty heated. Apparently the whole damn city's involved. Around here, heated disputes get real ugly, real quick." When Cas didn't acknowledge him, he continued. "You'll be alone with Dean. Castiel isn't gonna be able to stick around either. Point is; you'll have some time alone. Talk to him and figure it out. I have faith that the two of you can fix this."
"Be careful, Rob." Cas looked up and gave a small smile. "I get why he lets you so close. You're a good person. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for being his…my friend."
Rob smiled. "I have tried. Don't get me wrong, he can be a difficult person to care about, but he's kind of all I got, too." Rob's smile faltered a little. "There's something I don't get, though. This place; the good gets better, and the bad gets worse. It's the one certainty that we can count on. But I just stay the same."
"Maybe you're one of the lucky people that are pretty much good the way they are. Most of us are constantly searching for something that's just beyond our reach, but you seem to accept anything that's thrown at you. Being genuine has its rewards." Cas looked around, squinting into the sun. "With me, I've never quite found where I belong. Never quite know what the right thing to do is. This place, or maybe it's the sigil, I don't know, but it makes me want things I've never wanted before. Makes me see things I've never seen before and feel things I've never felt before. It makes me want to stop fighting and just be."
"You know, since you're stuck here anyway, maybe you should give 'just being' a shot. Might not be so bad." Rob looked up and saw Dean headed toward them. "Looks like it's time for me to hit the road. Rob nodded toward Dean and Cas followed his cue, a smile lighting up his face.
The two men stood up and Rob extended his hand to Cas. "It was nice meeting you. I'm glad I got a chance to know you."
Cas took his hand and gently shook it. "Thank you."
"Hope I'm not interrupting the male bonding, but I'd like my angel back." Dean smiled, but immediately dropped the act. He was shaken and just didn't have the stamina for sarcasm.
"Yeah well, I'll be headed out. It was nice to get a chance to meet you too, Dean. Take care." Rob gave Cas one last nod and headed off back towards the Hotel to pack up.
"You okay?" Cas could see that Dean was far from okay, but he asked the pointless question anyway, taking Dean's hand in his own.
Dean looked down and smiled at the way his fingers automatically intertwined with Cas'. He liked the connection, cherished it actually. However, his conscience wouldn't allow him to savor the moment and his smile faltered as he pulled his hand away. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm okay or not." He ran his hand through his hair and thought about whether or not he should tell Cas what happened. "Did you know, Cas?"
"No, I never saw what happened when you died. Rob told me that you did something to keep Castiel…me from being able to heal you…to keep me away. That is all I know." Cas realized that Dean was struggling with the details. "That's more than I need to know, Dean. It doesn't matter, none of it matters, because none of it will happen."
"If it doesn't happen, then why is it still a part of his past?" Dean couldn't look Cas in the eyes. He felt too guilty.
Cas took Dean's hand again. "Look at me." He waited until Dean raised his head. "Time travel is complicated. It's not as simple as your movies make it out to be."
Dean smiled. "I guess you don't have the time to educate me on space-time whatever though, right?" He put his free arm around Cas' waist and leaned his head down on Cas' shoulder.
Cas pulled back and frowned. "I guess there is time if you really want me to explain it. I'm not sure you'd find the topic interesting. It's all very technical. Are you sure there isn't something more enjoyable that you'd rather do?"
"Something more enjoyable?" Dean grinned. Too many examples of 'more enjoyable things' popped into Dean's mind. He looked up and smirked at Cas, whom Dean was sure had absolutely no idea how suggestive that statement was. The innocent, lost look on his face suddenly made Dean feel a little sick. "You know what, I'm hungry. We should find something to eat." There was no way he was going there after what he'd just seen. He internally chastised himself.
Cas felt Dean tense up and pull back. "Okay. Castiel seems a little obsessive about keeping us well fed. I'm sure there's food in the room. Let's go." He tugged Dean's hand as he turned in the direction of the hotel, but Dean resisted.
"I'm sure they have restaurants or something around here. Why don't we see what kind of food they serve? Healthy can't all be bad."
Cas finally picked up on what was going on. "Are we really gonna do this, Dean? If you don't want to be alone with me, just say so. I'll go back to the room, get you some food and bring it back out here. We can't go to a restaurant because we don't have money and I'm pretty sure using one of your credit cards would get us in trouble." Cas pulled his hand from Dean's and started to walk towards the hotel.
"Cas, wait." He could easily read the hurt look that replaced Cas' smile just minutes before. It seemed every time he tried to do the right thing, he just ended up hurting him more. "I do want to be alone with you, and that's the problem."
Cas stopped and stood in place to let Dean catch up to him. "I don't understand how being alone with me is a problem. We've been alone together many times before."
Dean hesitated a moment, not quite sure how to explain. "I've never wanted anyone or anything more than I want you right now. I want to spend an eternity proving to you that everything I just heard myself say, was a lie. And that's just it, this…these freakin 'feelings', I've never been like this before. It doesn't feel like me. I'm afraid if I'm alone with you, I'll hurt you, and there's no one here to protect you this time."
"You think what you saw was more real than what you feel now? That, that person was more who you are than this?" Cas put his hand over Dean's heart and looked into his eyes. "Then tell me what you said to me. I want to hear the words that you think are so real."
"You said you didn't need to know any details." Dean shook his head. "Cas, this isn't really you either. Do you even hear how romantic we both sound? This isn't 'us'. I'm not romantic. I'm beer and loud music, whiskey and fast women. And you…" Dean put his hand over the hand that Cas still had over his heart. "Dude, you're freakin oblivious to romance and crap like that. Any other time you'd be uttering some pointless B.S. about how the heart pumps blood or something, not being all cute and sweet. You're prickly and freakin square as hell. You sure as hell wouldn't be acting this way."
Cas removed his hand and nodded. He couldn't deny the truth in Dean's words, but he also couldn't deny that he liked being different. "Okay, then tell me what you heard yourself tell me. It's just a few words." Cas refused to allow Dean to look away as he waited for the answer he knew he'd get.
"I can't. I can't and I won't." Dean turned away and looked out into the distance. "I know I'm no good for you, Cas. Castiel knows it. Hell, even Rob knows it. You seem to be the only one who refuses to get it."
Cas huffed. This made the second time he heard that statement today, ironically for opposite ends of the argument. He was starting to think that he was the only one that did get it. "If you believe all that's true, that you really are someone who'd purposely hurt me. If you really believe your words were true, why is it that you can't even bring yourself to repeat them, even second hand?"
Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You're the one who said this world wasn't real. I'm just agreeing with you."
Cas took a step forward and softly lifted Dean's chin. "I was wrong. This is real. I think, maybe a little too real, actually." Cas watched Dean's eyes soften as they met his own. Rob's advice replayed in Cas' head. They had to go home, yes, the fantasy would have to end. But for now, why not just 'be'? "Dean, tell me what you want."
Dean's resolve broke the moment Cas touched his skin. He was too close, yet still too far away. Dean reached up and gently ran a fingertip over the angel's lips. "You. I can't help it, Cas. I want you."
AN: Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think. Next chapter will be some fluff, with an extra serving of fluff on the side.