A/N. And here is the last chapter. I have a plan for an epilogue set in Season Five and maybe some oneshots set in this verse so keep your eyes peeled!
Chapter 12: Its Not Unusual
Without Kurt, Blaine slowly started to lose himself. Kurt had to spend more and more time rehearsing as the New Directions prepared for Nationals and Blaine didn't get to see him. He could hardly ask Kurt to drop everything for him, it had only been a couple of months and he knew had the Warblers won they would be rehearsing the same way. Though... maybe if the Warblers had won, Kurt would have remained with the Warblers. Blaine couldn't knock this thought, the thought that Kurt wasn't really there for him, and had gotten close to him to gain the title at Nationals. Now Blaine couldn't do that... was he being cast aside? He shook himself, muttering his mantra to himself These aren't my real thoughts... it's the disorder trying to make me vulnerable again. He pushed on, his parents had made a noticeable effort in being around more, but it was at the point where Blaine didn't know how to be around them. He came home and went up to his room like he was so used to, so used to making do with his own company.
When Kurt went to New York, Blaine just felt... cold. He hadn't been eating regularly and some nights he went to bed before he could have dinner. His emotions were scattered - he had also neglected to take the anti-depressants prescribed to him to aid his recovery - he was unsure what he was feeling. There were twangs of jealousy, feelings of abandonment, the paranoia that Kurt didn't really want to be with him. It was driving him crazy because he knew it was all in his head but the thoughts wouldn't shut up. Some nights, he lay awake in bed just staring at the ceiling. He just felt so lost, confused. Questioning everything. It was strange how in your head you can know two things, believe two contrasting thoughts. Blaine knew he was worth something, he could do great things... but he felt like he also knew he was destined for unhappiness. He would never be good enough because he wasn't strong enough, hot enough. His head hurt and ached, it was like the brain was at war with itself as he tried to push through the tunnel. The next morning, his body was numb. He had no idea which side had won, but he just felt like nothing mattered, he could feel nothing. No hunger, no ache, no happiness and no real sadness. He felt like a zombie, just going through his day. When he got home, he went straight to his room and leaned against the cupboard, hugging his legs. He had gone to his appointment, lied through his teeth to please them. Right now, his eyes were on a drawer opposite him, a draw most teenage boys saved for condoms, lube or toys. Blaine had bandages and sharp objects. He could do it, try and see if he bleeds, if he hurts. See if he was still human... but at what cost? He didn't want Kurt to be mad at him, to give up on him. He should have told them the truth earlier that week... then maybe he would know what to do.
Kurt had only been gone for a few days, but it felt like a life time until Kurt called him after the competition, "Well... we didn't win. We should be back in Ohio late tomorrow... shall we meet up at the usual place the day after?" Blaine could hear the disappointment in his voice, but he was happy... happy to know he hadn't been forgotten.
"Of course... meet for lunch say 11?" he asked, softly and Kurt agreed.
"I missed you, you know..." Kurt said, softly after a moment of silence. Blaine felt the tears sting his eyes as he realised how stupid he had been to ever doubt Kurt and he took a moment before he could reply,
"I-i know... I missed you too..." he did know, he had just gotten stuck in his head, "Can't wait to see you."
"I'll tell you everything at the Lima Bean." he said. They exchanged a few more words before they hung up. Blaine held the phone to his chest and gave a relieved sigh. It had only been a few days but his head made it feel like weeks. The numbness slowly subsided, he felt glee, he felt his heart beat slightly faster. He just felt again... and he felt the dull ache on his arm which brought its feelings of regret and of fear. He picked up his phone again and he dialled a number,
"Hey... can I get an extra session?... I wasn't entirely truthful last time..." he said, closing his eyes as he made himself speak. It wasn't weak ask for help, "The name is Blaine Anderson..."
He took extra care of himself in preparation for seeing Kurt - though that was only two days. He ate what he could the following day, did his minimal exercise and he wrapped the wound. It was above his elbow, so for his date with Kurt he made sure to wear sleeves, settling for a shirt and red jacket. He showered for admittedly the first time in a little while and styled his hair. Kurt wasn't going to be fooled, he took one look at him, frowned and ordered a cake alongside Blaine's coffee,
"You've lost weight..." he said and he raised an eyebrow. Blaine sighed,
"I... had a few bad days but... I'll be okay. Just tell me all about New York." he smiled, making a point to tuck into the cake when it arrived. He listened as Kurt described singing on the Wicked stage, the competition and just New York in general. After, Blaine couldn't help but gaze at him with admiration, despite losing he was still so positive about everything...
"I love you..." Blaine found himself saying, and he meant it. He loved him, every little thing about him and Kurt was his hero. Kurt looked gobsmacked - though thankfully not overwhelmed as he replied,
"I love you too"
Summer helped bring Blaine back to life. He didn't have to stress about school or Warbler practice. He had weeks and weeks of spending time with Kurt. Soon, he fell into his own pattern of eating. With later starts and later nights he had to alter times for his food. Everyone at the clinic were proud, he called Kurt when he was having a bad night and sometimes went to call the therapist when Kurt felt it was out of his depth. Those calls became fewer and far between and Blaine's face brightened. He didn't look so tired or stressed, his hair wasn't falling out anymore and his clothes fit more comfortably. Blaine noticed the changes and rather than being scared of what they could mean, he embraced them, saw the improvements as he tried to follow in Kurt's example. But there was one thing that was an issue for them over the summer - Kurt wanting Blaine to go to McKinley.
"I want my senior year to be amazing - but to be amazing I need you there beside me..." Kurt pleaded. They were in the Lima Bean, school had already started again and Blaine was still sceptical. Kurt sighed and leaned in, lowering his voice, "I know you're scared... but Karofsky is gone... I'm no longer bullied and you wont be too." he said, softly, squeezing his hand. Blaine swallowed nervously, gazing at Kurt's pale hand around his own. Was it always going to be like this? Kurt taking care of Blaine, easing him back into 'normal society' after being hidden away at Dalton. Blaine wanted to go with Kurt, he knew he was going to struggle without seeing him as much after the amazing summer they had had together. He ought to say yes, his therapist was talking about discharging him and he was no longer made to go to the self help group - which had lost some people during the summer. Blaine looked up to Kurt's begging eyes and he sighed softly,
"Kurt..." he started though he already knew there was no point in arguing with him. He was going to end up at McKinley somehow, and he may as well be there sooner rather than later.
Cooper helped him plan how he was going to do it, Blaine wanted to surprise Kurt so he continued acting like he was at Dalton and Cooper helped strengthen that story as his parents went to fill in the necessary paperwork needed to transfer. He told Kurt he was at rehearsals one afternoon and went with Cooper to get more clothes that he could wear to the high school - he was going to miss the efficiency of having to wear a uniform - and Kurt was fooled. Cooper dropped him off a block beyond the school,
"To help your street cred," he explained out the window and he smiled proudly at him, "Are you sure about the bow tie?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Blaine nodded,
"Kurt will like it..." he explained and Cooper nodded, slowly,
"Soon he'll be picking out your clothes... have a good day today, Squirt." he said, driving off before Blaine could correct him about the nickname. He walked the rest of the way, already having a plan for the way home but he couldn't chance Kurt seeing his car before he saw him.
He remembered where Kurt's locker was from the Night of Neglect and without dropping Kurt from his target he walked right up to him. There was no hesitation in his step and he had even developed a kind of swagger. He smiled, almost proud of himself for this and he couldn't wait to see Kurt's face. He leaned against his locker as Kurt sighed,
"Well, aren't you sight for sore eyes..." Blaine looked up, cocking his head slightly,
"Bad day?" he asked, softly and Kurt started walking off, talking about stuff he didn't quite get but then he heard the word 'Warbler' and he took a deep breath, "For someone who likes clothes so much, I can't believe you haven't noticed what I'm wearing..." Kurt stopped and looked him over before his eyes widened,
"Wait... is this... oh my god!" Kurt tackled him with a hug, laughing to himself for a moment before he pulled back, "You didn't just do this for me did you? Because that is really romantic but could lead to anger and resentment and-" Blaine held up his hands to quieten Kurt before he said,
"I did it for me... I couldn't stand to be away from the person I love... and the person that makes me believe in myself and who got me this far..." he smiled gently, "My choice." Kurt smiled,
"Well, we best work on your song for the New Directions..." he said and Blaine grinned,
"I already have something in mind."
As Blaine sang Tom Jones' It's not Unusual he couldn't help but think over his journey. There was talk of him being discharged, though he always had numbers to call if he had a bad day. He understood he would always have tough days, but that made the easy days better. He had Kurt by his side, the support of the New Directions as well as those still at Dalton. He had a good feeling, it was going to be tough but he was going to get through it and he couldn't wait to see where this new turn in life was going to get him. It amazed him, just months ago he was hoping for an ending to everything but now he was looking for a beginning, for the chances of the future and he knew with Kurt by his side, he would get through everything.