Thor woke up from his alarm clock. It had been a long and horrifying night. The blond was feeling more tormented by the passing hour. He had no idea why it happened, but his manner of perceiving the younger man changed radically since the moment he put the possibility of Loki being attracted to him. He barely slept, for his rest was tormented by fragmenting confusing dreams, in which he was pretty sure Loki played an important role in them.
He got up, took a quick cold shower, got dressed and went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. He froze when a very sleepy looking Loki entered the division, greeting him in an illegible tongue and sat down with his eyes closed. Thor's body and mind were immediately plagued by his best friend's presence. He tried to distract himself by making coffee. He placed a mug and a plate with two toasts in front of Loki, while his heart jumped inside his chest. Thor seemed to have become unexplainably oversensitive about everything surrounding the teenager. His voice, his scent, his movements, his breathing. The blond sat down silently, and spread butter on his bread, while glancing once in a while at his best friend and newest object of vicious longing.
Thor was losing himself in Loki in a manner he never did with anybody else. His eyes lingered on the perfect contours of the creamy shirtless chest and cold chills burned under his skin. He wondered how it felt to intertwine his fingers around those messy dark locks and his fingers tingled. He wondered how Loki's skin smelled, his beautiful immaculate skin free from the guyliner and his heart bounced. He wondered how Loki's lips tasted when he lazily sipped the warm coffee and he felt hungry. He could understand none of his sudden urges and desires. Just like he could not understand why Loki's hoarse sleepily voice sent electrifying waves through his limbs.
Breakfast was silent and the repetition of every other breakfast they shared. After asking for the time, like he usually does, Loki exited the kitchen to get himself ready, leaving Thor behind chewing in his newest tormenting urges.
Thor questioned himself why. There was nothing unusual about Loki. He wasn't different than from any other day. There was nothing new in his behavior or manners. Thor knew nothing had changed. Nothing but himself. The blond knew it was all in his mind. It was all in his head. So what did this mean? This was the first time he felt attracted to a man in a very physical way. Thor wondered if this new feeling was limited to Loki alone, or to men in general. So he tried to picture some of his recent fantasies for Loki with his other male friends. Fandral – laughable, Volgstagg – disgusting, Hogun – overly awkward, Steve Rogers – scary, Bruce Banner – nauseating. He imagined Loki whispering seductive words to him, his breath teasing his skin while he purred obscenities in his ear and his veins boiled under his skin. The memory of Loki in Fandral's bathroom with an unknown girl, the look in his eyes, the gasp of pleasure escaping his lips returned to Thor like a taunting vision and his pants became tight.
Thor cursed internally. He could only conclude one thing: he was solely tormented by Loki. And why he did not know. He always had adored Loki since small children. He always had let himself drown in Loki's wide happy smile. He always had loved the way Loki's jade eyes glinted when he was excited. He always had found Loki's laughter the world's most melodic sound. He always had let himself lose in Loki's rare hugs and relish the small trembling his body produced when he giggled. All these things always made him all fuzzy and warm and happy inside. But never did they create the tightness between his legs.
"Are you coming?" Thor flinched at the voice that broke his distressing thoughts and stared wide-eyed at his best friend, who was standing opposite the kitchen table.
"What?!" The blond asked feeling all the blood go up to his face, not sure he had heard properly. Loki's eyebrow arched.
"Are you coming?" Loki repeated his question impatiently. "I do not have all day, you know."
Thor blinked a few times until the real meaning of Loki's words finally sunk in. It was Monday, of course! They always walked together to campus. Thor was so lost in his worrisome erratic thoughts about his own sexuality and about Loki that he totally had lost track of reality. Worse of all, he had quite a lump under his jeans. The moment he would stand up, Loki would certainly see it.
"Y-Yes. Ehm, but I have to go and pee first." Thor sheepishly said and Loki rolled his eyes.
"Fine, go pee then." The raven-haired man said in an annoyed tone and turned to pick his coat.
The moment the teenager turned his back, Thor made a run to the bathroom. He quickly unzipped his pants and sighed desperately. This was bad. His erection was huge, the head already red and begging for release. The blond only had one option. He stood in front of the toilet and started stroking his long length. The bathroom was still warm and steamy from the shower Loki had taken minutes ago. The scent of Loki's shampoo was still lingering in the air. He closed his eyes and imagined Loki under the running hot water.
Thick drops drew the lines of the creamy back. White foam travelled down the flat belly and descended long perfect limbs. Loki's hair was soaked under the running water, his head back, his neck exposed. In this daydream, Thor joined Loki in the shower and placed his large hands on the small hips. His lips met the crook of Loki's neck and traveled his skin, searching the man's teasing mouth. They kissed. He could just imagine how Loki tasted. Sweet and cruel. He could feel his slippery tongue brush against his. A gentle and pleasant kiss, filled with care and not so much lust. Loki's shampoo scent filled his nostrils, the air was still heavy and warm. A soft gasp escaped lips.
With a chocked moan, Thor came undone and watched sickened as the white liquid slowly sunk in the toilet's water. He was disgusted by himself. This was the first time Thor pleased himself thinking about a man. Thinking about Loki. He felt dirty and washed his hands with soap frenetically.
"Have you sunken down the toilet? I am not going to be late because of you!" Loki yelled from the kitchen. Thor repressed an irritated groan.
"Just washing my hands!" He yelled back. He dried his hands nervously and walked out the bathroom.
"That's about time." Loki said, while he uncrossed his arms. Thor did not have the courage to look at his best friend's face for many reasons. From shame and embarrassment, from fear of getting excited all over again, from fear his friend would read on his face what was going on. "Are you okay? You're all flushed." The raven-haired man asked, noticing the color on the blond's face. His fingertips brushed without warning the skin of Thor's temple. The blond shifted abruptly and glared wildly at Loki for some moments. The freshman seemed to be a bit taken aback by the sudden move and dangerous stare but remained his composure. "You are sweating." Loki bluntly said.
"So what?" Thor angrily asked and Loki's eyebrow curved upwards.
"Not even asking. Not wanting to know."
…
Thor managed to avoid Loki the whole day (it was easy, going by how busy both their agendas were), but it was a short cruel break of torment, because the nightmare started all over again the next morning. There he stood again, Loki in all his glory. More asleep than anything else, his naked chest exposed and his curly locks untidy. His image screamed natural beauty, wild temptation and merciless sin. Like every morning, Thor placed a mug with coffee and a plate with two toasts in front of Loki. He sat on his chair and forced his breakfast down, while he glanced too often and too long at his irresistible sleepy friend.
The sophomore found himself staring at Loki's features closely. He studied the details of his face, tracing each line and reached the conclusion there resided an unusual beauty in the raven-haired man. His frail structure made him look vulnerable in a pleasant manner. Every gesture, as absentminded as it could be in the early hours of the morning, was gracious and even elegant. Thor was surprised to realize, these were characteristics he easily associated to women, but in the case of Loki, they unexpectedly emphasized his masculinity. It was not that he never had noticed the teenager was good-looking, buy the contrary, he always thought there was something fascinatedly exotic about the younger man. Only he never contemplated it in a romantic or even physical level. Just like he always enjoyed certain manners and ways of the freshman, but never realized how he absolutely adored them, until he stopped to think about them.
And then Loki asked for the time. His voice, hoarse but always melodic. Thor always adored Loki's voice and knew he could listen to it for hours and hours without getting bored. He told him the time and Loki walked away to the shower. The more Thor thought about Loki, the more he feared he was more than attracted to his best friend. He shook these confusing thoughts away, fearing the repetition of the previous day. He told himself it was all in his head, but the strange feeling in his belly refused to disappear. It made him feel both embarrassed and guilty towards Loki and Jane, because he was having improper thoughts about the first and cheating the latter with his dirty mind. Or at least, that was what he believed.
They headed to campus together. This time Thor felt nothing more than a maddening tingling between his legs. They walked together and Thor only half listened his best friend telling him something about Thanksgiving and his older brother Helblindi. Thor was doing his best to control the arousing sensation in his crouch and as soon as Loki disappeared from his sight, he entered the first restroom he found. A few tears escaped his eyes when he reached his climax, after imaging himself pounding Loki mercilessly against the tiled wall. He was mortified by his own perverted thoughts. Thor wished this was nothing but some kind of strange phase he was going through. He needed a distraction to put his mind away from Loki. He felt sick and vile. He was texting Jane, inviting her for dinner tonight, just after he orgasmed thinking of Loki.
…
Thor arrived home late after his romantic date. He and Jane had never been this happy before. The blond was sure it had been their most romantic and intimate diner until the date. Thor gave the woman extra attention and made questions to answers he knew he wouldn't understand. He needed to see the woman beam of excitement as she talked about wormholes, general relativity, energy density and other strange words he had no idea what their meaning were. Thor held her close and kissed her every time it was possible. He fed his heart with Jane's beautiful and blissful smile, making it swell with love for the woman. They walked down the street holding hands and reached her house. There they paid farewell, because Darcy was at home.
Tonight it had had been, in Thor's eyes, the reaffirmation of his relationship with Jane. It had been the confirmation of his sexuality. Tonight had cleansed all the doubts and uncertainties that had plagued his mind during the last two days.
While Thor walked back home, he smiled. He and Jane were truly in love. He was convinced they were really meant for each other. All the earlier abnormal interrogations had melted away and he felt calm again. During this evening, Thor had managed to push all his unnatural thoughts about Loki to the back of his mind. He was now sure he had just mixed up his brotherly love for the younger man with sexuality. He was confident, once he returned home he would look at Loki the same way he always had. As his best friend and nothing more.
The blond entered the apartment and immediately heard the sound of the television set, so he walked to the living room. Loki was asleep, lying on the couch. Thor's heart jolted of despair. All the mixed feelings he had succeeded to push away during the evening returned with such an intensity, it felt as if they never had left. Loki's peaceful face was an ode to beauty. The blond was sure that if the teenager was a Greek god he would certainly be Adonis or Apollo.
An overwhelming feeling of adoration filled Thor's heart and he felt compelled to walk to the couch and sit near his friend's feet. Thor lost the notion of time as he simply sat there, watching the television´s light reflected on Loki's face. Without thinking, he moved a black curly lock from his face and the teenager winced slightly. He opened his eyes surprised and Thor felt his heart melt at the soft smile he received. His fingers remained connected with younger man's face.
"What time is it?" Loki asked with a lazy hoarse voice, making his best friend smile adorably at the sound. The blond moved his hand away and looked at his watch.
"It's just over half-past twelve."
"Ouh…I fell asleep." Loki said in a complaining tone as he looked at the TV. "The movie is already in the end. What a bummer." Thor chuckled at his friend's pout, so that Loki redirected his gaze to him. "Where have you been?"
"I had dinner with Jane." Thor gently said while he fought the urge to caress Loki's face.
"I bet you had a lovely time." Loki kindly whispered while he smiled. Yet Thor would swear his eyes were sad. Or was that the way the TV's artificial light played with his eyes?
"What about you?" Thor calmly asked and was surprised with how soft his voice sounded. Loki shifted his head a bit and his eyebrow arched almost warily.
"You sound concerned. Do you pity me for not having found true love like you?" The raven-haired man asked in a sardonic tone. His heart contracted at the knowledge that Thor had only eyes and ears for Jane. Loki was now sure, more than ever, that what he ever dreamed about Thor would always remain that. A dream and nothing more.
"I don't know if I found true love." Thor confessed almost depressed and Loki looked surprised and a bit confused at him. "And it's not pity. It's compassion." He quickly added.
"Aren't the two one and all the same?" Loki bitterly questioned, the sweet loving look in the blue eyes consuming his soul. How he desperately wanted to wrap his arms around Thor, kiss his young lips and tell him he loved him. How much he wanted to tell him how badly he needed him. To tell him that Thor was his sunshine, his happiness, his safe harbor. But he couldn't. Thor loved Jane. He would never love him. Not that way at least. And that was that.
"No it's not." Thor broke Loki's depressed chain of thoughts. The sophomore may not understand why he kept having alien thoughts about his best friend but he knew he cared for Loki. He was worried with him because lately a shadow of sadness hung over the teenager and he noticed the worrisome weight loss. All Thor wanted was to see his best friend happy again. He would do anything just to see Loki smile. The raven-haired man looked at him perplexed from the answer, but also sensing something strange in the air.
"Oh, really? Then please, do enlighten me." Loki arrogantly said and Thor's smiled grew softer, if that was even possible. Loki stared at his friend stunned. He could not remember ever seeing him smile at him this manner. Something was off. Something was very off and all his senses suddenly sharpened. And then Thor gave him an answer he did not expect to hear.
"Pity is when you feel sorry for somebody. Compassion is when you have understanding for somebody's suffering while you care for that somebody."
Loki stared at Thor with widened eyes. His heart pounded wildly under his chest. His ears were tingling at his best friend's words. That was the sweetest thing the blond had ever told him and Loki had to use all his will not to kiss his best friend. Instead he remained frozen, lying on the couch, staring at his object of longing with a bouncing heart. And then he realized. He needed to come up with a clever answer, a witty comeback. The raven-haired man chuckled.
"You became quite the master in word-weaving!" Loki said in a joking tone, while his heart bounced painfully. And he wondered, how long would he endure this kind of torture?
"I'm serious, Loki. There has been this sadness around you lately. Is it because of your parents?" The blond asked and he witnessed several emotions flash through the green eyes. Shock, fear, vulnerability and anger.
"I don't want to talk about it." Loki quickly said while he shifted to get up. He didn't want this. He didn't want to talk about his parents. It was bad enough Helblindi had already confirmed he was coming for Thanksgiving, so he didn't have the heart to make up excuses not to visit his parents this time. His stomach sunk and his heart panged at the mere thought of home.
"Loki, please. You can talk with me." Thor begged. "Am I not your friend? Friendship is not only about having fun, but is also about trusting the other to confine problems."
"Thor, you are my best friend and I trust you more than anybody else. I just…I just can't!" Loki stammered nervously, his eyes reflecting repressed pain and Thor grew even more concerned. He was about to open his mouth to try to continue to persuade him but Loki gestured him to stop. "Friendship is about respecting the other's space too. Please. Do not push on the matter. Just let it be."
Before Thor could react, Loki got up and walked out the living room. The sophomore sighed heavily when he heard the teenager close his bedroom door. He was shutting him away. All Thor wanted was to help him and make him feel better. But all Loki did was push him away and Thor felt the distance between them grow. The blond knew there was something bad going on with Loki. He had already noticed a change in Loki before his errant thoughts about the younger man.
It started when he wanted to figure out what Loki and Natasha were communicating in their wordless conversations. Then he noticed the concerning melancholy in the jade gaze. They were short-lived, brief glimpses of a deep rooted sorrow. A sadness that was easily wiped out with a smile and a joke. Thor wondered how long his friend was like this. Because only lately had he started watching the freshman closely. It worried him greatly that Loki was becoming thinner as he skipped too many meals. Just like he grew concerned with the fact the freshman was often tired. And despite the many hours Loki slept, he seemed to be exhausted most of the days. The more Thor studied the emotions in the green eyes, the more alarmed he grew. He was more and more convinced it had to do with the Frost family. An unsettling feeling rested in the pit of his stomach. Thor wondered. Had Loki's family problem deeper roots than he hoped?
The blond looked at the television. A woman screamed as strange humanlike creatures headed to her. Of course Loki was watching a horror movie. How he managed to relax enough to fall asleep and didn't wake up from all the screaming was a mystery to him. Just like many things were a mystery to him. Jane's world of astrophysics, Loki's behavior, his own very confused thoughts. If Thor had been certain about anything in the end of this evening, he was now uncertain about everything. About his love for Jane, about his friendship with Loki, above all, about himself.