13
If it's wrong to love you
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Kurt/Blaine, mention of OC.
Rating (this chapter): PG-13.
Warnings: None.
Spoilers: Season 2.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. I do not own any of the songs used every other chapter.
Summary: Blaine discovers why he's been acting so weird lately.
Author's note: This had to happen. I am so sorry. Hope you like it, though.
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If it's wrong to love you
Now that was probably Blaine's worst exit ever.
Telling Kurt that he had rights over his decisions? That a guy Blaine barely knew was bad for him? And that even if he'd been a jerk for days, Kurt should forgive him? What the hell was Blaine thinking about?
He turned around the corner and could feel the rage burning through his veins. Really, because he'd been wrong, but Kurt was no saint. Kurt had treated him with indifference, like what he and Blaine had meant nothing – as if they hadn't had deep conversations about relationships or gay life, as if they weren't even real friends!
Thinking about Kurt was all he could do on the way home. His mother would be gone already but he expected to find Josh there, at least to talk about what had happened. Instead, he found a note stick to the fridge in the kitchen. "Mom's out – big day for her! I went out. Love and kisses, Josh."
Not even that joke made him laugh. "Great… whatever," Blaine muttered, leaning against the fridge. Damn. He was trying to blame Kurt but this was all his own fault… He'd done all the wrong things, and what was even worse, he still didn't know why.
He picked up the phone and stared at it for a second. He needed to talk to someone, he needed to tell them about Josh's secret, about Kurt… He dialed Freddie's number without caring about the consequences, and soon his friend picked up the call.
"Hello."
One word and Blaine had lost his confidence. His heartbeats got faster with embarrassment as he mumbled, "Hey, it's me… um, Blaine."
Freddie's voice came out rough and steady. "I'm still mad at you."
"I bet you are. And you're right."
"You're not going to win me back by telling me that. Although I do like to hear it every once in a while."
Blaine licked his lips, then muttered, "Were you able to talk to Paula?"
"Nope. In fact, I gotta keep calling her. Gotta go."
"Oh, sure. I get it… I'm sorry that I bothered you. I'm gonna hung up now."
Freddie didn't say anything else and Blaine took it as a sign that he should let him go. He hung up and could feel the silence in the house. Well, it was obvious that it was going to take Freddie some time to be ok with him again, not the mention that Blaine had to tell Laura that what had happened last night was a big misunderstanding.
Blaine took a deep breath and suddenly realized something – he didn't mind that much not talking to Freddie. Maybe it was because he'd been away for so long that Blaine didn't miss him that much.
At least not as much as he missed Kurt already.
Kurt, who's been through all this crap with Blaine and therefore had the right not to talk to him again.
Sighing, Blaine opened the fridge and made himself a sandwich since he'd barely eaten since breakfast. Then he turned on the TV and stopped at the music channel. Music from the 90s was coming, nice and soothing. The announcement didn't thrill him as usual, even if his song choices were more Top 40. He still couldn't put a finger on what was bothering him so much about Kurt, and the intensity of that confusion was consuming all of his energy.
He wanted Kurt to listen to him and to understand that he didn't know what he was doing. Couldn't that be an option? If only it were so easy. Kurt's ultimatum that Blaine should figure out what he wanted from their relationship had been hard on him, but Blaine didn't expect less from Kurt. If he put himself in Kurt's shoes and he'd confessed his love to the guy he liked to get rejected and then get mixed signals, then Blaine was sure he'd do the same thing.
Mixed signals. Yeah, Blaine had to admit that he was confused and that he was confusing everyone else about what he wanted from Kurt. Showing up at the bar and acting like a jealous boyfriend wasn't the best move ever.
It couldn't be… No, it definitely wasn't that he had actual feelings for Kurt. No. He was Kurt's mentor. It didn't matter if he liked him that way. It was wrong and he wouldn't take advantage of him, even if he was dying inside to…
Wait, why was Blaine thinking about Kurt and boyfriends again?
Not even the announcement of classic hit songs made it all better. He wanted to cry so badly it hurt, simply at the thought of losing Kurt's company.
And then the music started to play. Mariah Carey. Great.
I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me right
Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side
Ok, not so great… Why was she talking about being wrong or right because of loving someone? God, Blaine sometimes hated when his life seemed to have a soundtrack of its own, because the perfect songs appeared to be able to pick the right moment to speak about his feelings.
But it was true. He was drowned in Kurt and he knew it. He needed him and that was scary as hell.
I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
They'd shared songs, Blaine could remember then perfectly. He treasured the duets they'd sung together, like they were the perfect partners… Even when they looked at each other while revising the lyrics in his room. Beautiful.
Kurt was beautiful.
Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight
For the first time, Blaine could see himself reaching for Kurt, slowly putting the papers with the lyrics aside, and crushing their mouths together… They were holding on to each other like they couldn't get enough and Blaine felt like he would never be able to let go…
I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
The end of the song marked the end of the fantasy, and all of a sudden Blaine found himself in the kitchen, all hot and bothered, with a sandwich on a plate in front of him and a commercial of a 90s music event downtown.
"Holy…" he muttered when he noticed how excited he was, just because of his very vivid imagination. He ran his hand over his forehead and went to grab a glass of water to cool down before things went too far. He'd thought about the possibility of Kurt being his boyfriend in the past, but he'd seen anything more than a couple of chaste kisses in his head. He didn't want to run to the bathroom because of Kurt and because of the fact that he was still a teenager with hormones.
But it was precisely because of Kurt that he was starting to realize that what he'd imagined was right and beautiful. The idea of them being together wasn't that rational anymore, just because Blaine was finally embracing the truth – that he was in love with Kurt Hummel.
He had to see him. Right now.
Without hesitating, Blaine grabbed his stuff and went out again. It didn't matter that he'd been at the bar an hour ago. How hadn't he seen before that Kurt was the one he'd been looking for forever? There was a moment – the moment of the song, of the fantasy- when he'd realized that yes, he'd had the answer in front of him all along.
Time passed by so quickly he barely noticed that he was getting out of the bus and running to the bar. Smiling, he knew that he was going to make it up for his mistakes as much as he could from now on.
It was a shame that not a lot of people were aware of Kurt's talent outside the schools he'd attended and the shows he'd given. There were only five people getting a drink and a snack at the bar, and Kurt and Joel were starting to get the stage ready for them to perform. Blaine saw Kurt smiling and felt his heart jump inside his chest. He looked pretty much like perfection on legs, but for now, it was enough to watch him from the distance. Blaine would try to apologize later, after the show, to both Kurt and Joel, and maybe, just maybe, try to convey his feelings into a heartfelt speech.
Joel was doing some soundcheck but he was done soon. Suddenly Kurt was reaching for the microphone and Blaine was kind of hiding behind a magazine again after seating at one of the little tables.
"This is a song that I want to dedicate to someone I thought I could trust. Someone… someone who hurt me and some of my friends," Kurt explained. "It's over. By Jesse McCartney."
We've run out of words, we've run out of time,
We've run out of reasons, really why we're together,
We both know it's over baby, bottom line,
It's best we don't even talk at all, wooh.
Blaine frowned. That wasn't… what he'd been expecting.
Don't call me even if I should cross your mind,
I'm in love, I don't need to hear your voice on my messages,
Lets just call it quits, it's probably better so,
If I'm not returnin' your calls it's 'cause…
Kurt was showing off his phone, and even from far away, Blaine could see a picture of himself on the caller ID. The next thing he knew, Joel was singing along with Kurt some of the lyrics.
'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closin' the door,
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore,
I've got the picture phone, baby your picture's gone,
Couldn't stand to see your smile, every time you dialed.
'Cause it's over, (over)
Boy you know it's over this time, (this time)
So when you call I'm pressin' 7,
Don't wanna hear your messages, (messages)
I'm tryna erase you from my mind, (my mind)
'Cause it's over, (over)
I swear boy it's over this time, (time)
So don't keep callin', leavin' messages,
Don't want to know where you've been,
Baby 'cause it's over. (over)
Was this some sort of sick joke Fate was playing on Blaine? He could barely believe his eyes and ears… and the song had been slightly altered to be a boy instead of a girl.
I still wake up every morning quarter to ten,
Still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table,
I can't even remember how long it's been,
No trouble stayin' occupied, ohh. (oh)
They ask about you whenever I come around, (I come around)
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets, (streets)
The last thing I need is another episode,
Keep conversation short and sweet because.
So Kurt didn't want Blaine to talk to him ever again? Sure, it was one of the reactions Blaine expected… but damn, now it seemed to be happening, and it really, really sucked.
'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closin' the door,
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore,
I've got the picture phone, baby your picture's gone, (picture's gone)
Couldn't stand to see your smile, everytime you dialed.
'Cause it's over, (boy, it's over)
Boy you know it's over this time,
So when you call I'm pressin' 7,
Don't wanna hear your messages, (messages)
I'm tryna erase you from my mind, ('cause baby)
'Cause it's over, (over)
I swear boy it's over this time, (this time)
So don't keep callin', leavin' messages, (no)
Don't want to know where you've been, (ohh no)
Baby 'cause it's over. (over)
But wait. Maybe Blaine was getting ahead of himself and concluding that the song was about him. It could be about any boy, right? He couldn't be really sure about it unless he asked – although he knew he wouldn't.
You know that it's over when the burnin' and the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore,
And you know that you're through when he don't do to you or move you like the way he moved you before,
And you wanna pull him close but your heart has froze,
You kiss him but his eyes don't close, there he goes,
I love your heart forever,
And it hurts you but you know that it's better.
The song was about to end and Blaine would have his moment with Kurt. He'd make it all better, he'll fix everything… He left the magazine and got up to try to waive at Kurt, but the boy seemed to be completely into the music.
'Cause it's over, (over)
Boy you know it's over this time, (this time)
So when you call I'm pressin' 7,
Don't wanna hear your messages, (messages)
I'm tryna erase you from my mind, (mind)
'Cause it's over, (over)
I swear Blaine it's over this time, (time)
So don't keep callin', leavin' messages,
Don't want to know where you've been,
Baby 'cause it's over. (over)
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Blaine wasn't one to curse much but that was the only word he could say in his head.
He remained there, with his hand waving, until he heard his name on the song coming out of Kurt's lips, and couldn't handle it. He froze there like he was trapped in time, and a second later, he was storming out of the bar.
Blaine didn't know if Kurt had seen him standing there or not, but he knew he had to get out of there. When he arrived at the bus stop, he could feel and hear every sound around him, but the world was empty. A couple of tears ran down his cheeks and he wiped them away, not wanting the people who passed by to see him.
There was no turning back. He's been blind, stupid and crazy.
He deserved a broken heart.