Chapter Thirteen: Kill
It sat on the mantle. Every time he or she walked in the house no matter how much they would fight it their eyes would go straight to it. She knew it wasn't going to stay there forever but she also knew she couldn't take care of it by herself. He wasn't ready to do it yet but it had been almost two weeks since their lives had gone back to normal and her parents showed up with it. They handed him the urn full of Megan and their unborn child's ashes and left. Brooke remembered how Julian just stood there dumbfounded as Megan's parents walked away without saying a word. She herself wondered how Megan's parents could just abandon her like that; she was their child, their own flesh and blood and they just handed her off to Julian like she was a plate of cookies.
That had been two weeks ago and she still couldn't make sense of what had happened. She sat in the living room and stared at the urn on her mantle while she was supposed to be working on sketches for the new line. Against her wishes Julian had left earlier that morning to scout out some local locations for one of movies. She still worried about him and she panicked that the blindness would all of a sudden return when he was driving home or walking down the street. That's how her life was now. She lived in fear for Julian's life and even though she knew the chances of the blindness returning was slim to none she couldn't help but worry about him. He still hadn't talked to her about the accident or about the fact that Megan and his child were killed and that worried her just as much as the blindness returning. He was getting better at letting her in but he had perfected blocking things out, just like she had, from an early age. As different as they were on the exterior they were the same right down to the core.
--
"So," Lucas said as he and Jess walked down the barren streets of Tree Hill, hand in hand. "This is our last night together before you go back to LA."
Jess nodded sadly. "I don't want to go back."
"I don't want you to either but we're going to make this work. The next two weeks will fly by and before you know it I'll be in LA and we'll pick up right where we left off." He assured her.
She stopped walking and let go of his hand. "What's up Jess?" Lucas asked as he looked at her quizzically.
"I need to tell you something before I leave." She said softly as she continued to stare at the cracks in the pavement.
Lucas stepped closer and put his fingers beneath her chin as he lifted it up so she was looking him in the eye. "What is it?"
She glanced around the empty streets as she wiped a few tears from her face. Lucas wiped some away with his thumb as he became more nervous. He could tell that whatever she had to tell him was tearing her up inside. "Jess, you can tell me." He said softly as he cradled her head in his hand.
She nodded. "Remember when you asked me about my previous boyfriends that day in the diner?"
Lucas nodded.
"I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and—and…" Her voice became teary and she stopped as she tried to stop the tears that were bound to fall from her eyes. "I killed him."
--
Brooke groaned as she glanced over at the clock in the kitchen. Julian said he would be home around twelve and it was now two. The anxiousness began to set in even more so she flicked on the television to help take her mind off of it. A wave of relief washed over her when she heard the front door open but when she turned toward it she didn't see Julian.
"Hey Brooke." Peyton smiled as she shut the door behind her. "How are you doing?"
She sighed. "Okay."
Peyton sat down beside her on the couch. "What's wrong?"
"Is it normal for me to constantly worry about him?" She asked. "I'm petrified that he's going to go blind again while he's driving home or that it'll happen when he's walking down the street and then he'll get so disoriented that he'll walk into the middle of the street and get hit by a car. Or that he doesn't go blind again but he gets into another car accident but this time he doesn't make it. Or that he'll—"
"Brooke," Peyton interrupted. "Don't do this to yourself."
"How can I not though, Peyton? He's way better than before but he's never home anymore because he's at the office working on a new movie. Sam's always with Jack, you have Mike and Connor, Jess is out gallivanting with Lucas all the time and she leaves tomorrow morning. Haley and Nathan are busy with Sarah and my mom has a boyfriend now that occupies all of her free time. I'm stuck here all alone so I can't help but let my mind wander to those stupid what if situations with Julian."
"You're not stuck here. You're more than welcome to come over to my place and hang out with me so you have a distraction from all your crazy thoughts." She smiled.
Brooke smiled before hugging Peyton. "You're a really good friend, you know that?" She noticed Peyton's disposition suddenly change. "What's going on, Peyt?"
"I came over here for a reason." She said as she avoided eye contact with her best friend. "I need to tell you something but I'm scared of how you're going to react but I figured it's better if you hear it from me rather than someone else so I just have to tell you but I just don't want to hurt you—"
"Peyton." Brooke said warily. "What's going on?"
"I'm pregnant."
Brooke smiled. "That's great!" She exclaimed.
"Brooke, you don't have to pretend." Peyton said as she placed her hand on Brooke's knee.
Brooke shook her head. "I'm not pretending. I'm really happy for you and Mike." She continued to smile. "How long have you known?"
"About a month and a half?" She estimated. "I wasn't feeling well for a while so I went to the doctor only to find out I was pregnant." She smiled as she placed her hand on her flat stomach.
"It was a surprise?" Brooke asked.
Peyton nodded. "I didn't really want another child but the moment I found out I was pregnant again I couldn't imagine my life without another baby."
Brooke smiled at Peyton. "Just give me a minute, okay?" She asked as she got up from the couch.
"Brooke!" Peyton called as she watched her walk toward the bathroom. She heard her shut the door and lock it behind her.
She leaned against the door and sank down onto the floor with tears in her eyes. She reached into her pocket for her cell phone and pressed his name before holding the phone up against her ear. "Can you come home?" She cried softly when he finally picked up.
--
Lucas searched her eyes for a former clarity. "What do you mean you killed him?" He asked warily.
"I killed him." She repeated.
"Jess, you have to elaborate." He begged. "Tell me what happened."
She nodded over toward a bench on the sidewalk before leading Lucas to it. They both sat down, his hand still wrapped around hers, as he waited for her to explain.
"It was my junior year of college and we had been together since high school." She smiled. "He was the greatest guy, funny, charming, athletic, smart, he was everything I wanted in a boyfriend so when he proposed after the Junior Ball of course I said yes. My parents weren't too pleased that I was engaged so young or about the fact that I planned on marrying him just a month later but they warmed up to the idea when they saw how happy he made me. He practically lived at my house while we were growing up but we didn't become romantically involved until our senior year of high school. He and Julian were best friends and Julian always used to joke that if Will, that was his name by the way, if he ever broke my heart Julian would break his face." She smiled to herself before continuing. "So we started our senior year of college happily married and still in wedded bliss. In November we found out I was pregnant and he was so happy but I was scared. I was only twenty-one years old and even though I was married I was in no way ready to have a baby." Lucas could tell she was struggling with telling him about her past so he comforted her by rubbing her back and telling her it was okay. "I went and got an abortion while he was in class one Thursday afternoon. He found out when I called him to come and pick me up at the clinic after the procedure was done and you can only imagine how upset he was with me. He refused to drive me home so I called my roommate to come get me." She leaned into Lucas' embrace and began to cry harder on his shoulder. "He was on his way back to get me when he lost control of his car and crashed into a telephone pole. Will died on impact, Luke, and I killed him." She sobbed.
Lucas felt goose bumps engulf his entire body once she finished telling him about her past. No wonder she had been so hesitant to tell him about her previous relationships, she felt responsible for her husband's death. Husband. That was another thing she probably worried Lucas was judge her on along with the fact that she had an abortion. "You didn't kill him, Jess." He whispered into her hair as he hugged her. "You're not responsible for what happened that day."
She shook her head. "Even though it happened almost six years ago not a day goes by where I don't think about what happened. He wouldn't have been on that road if I hadn't gotten an abortion, he wouldn't be dead if I hadn't been so selfish—"
"Jess, look at me." Lucas commanded as he pulled out of her embrace. She watched as she lifted her head and slowly brought her eyes to meet his. "You're not responsible for Will's death." He said it slowly so he was sure she would hear him. "Do you understand? You can't continue to hold yourself accountable for this, I'm not going to let you."
Jess nodded as she blinked away her tears. She smiled as Lucas wiped the ones that were on her cheeks away with his thumb. "I don't want to leave." She whispered.
He pulled her close and kissed her hair. "I don't want you to leave either."
--
He barged through the front door and just like always, his eyes went to the urn sitting on the mantle. His vision then shifted to Peyton who was pacing back and forth in the living room. "I'm so sorry." She said when she saw him.
"Where is she?" He asked as he looked around for her.
Peyton nodded toward the bathroom, she watched as he darted down the short hallway. "She's been in there for a while." She called after him.
He knocked gently on the door. "Brooke, sweetheart, it's me. Can you open the door?" He heard the door unlock followed by her shifting her position. He carefully pushed the door open to reveal her with her legs pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them and her head down in her lap, crying. "It's okay." He whispered as he sat down beside her after closing the door. "You're okay." He soothed. She scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arm around her.
"She's pregnant." She said as she looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.
Julian sighed as he leaned back. It all made sense now. Why she called him in tears, why she locked herself in the bathroom, whey Peyton apologized the second he walked in the door, it all made sense.
Brooke wiped her eyes. "She said they didn't even plan on getting pregnant." She said as she shook her head.
Julian turned to face her. "Are you upset that she's having a baby?"
"She's my best friend. She's in a stable relationship with a man who loves her so it's only natural for them to have a baby together. I can't be mad at her for something she can't control. She's supposed to get pregnant. I'm supposed to get pregnant." She said softly.
Julian nodded unsure of what to say next.
"I can't be mad or hurt or sad or angry because I'm supposed to be happy for her and I am, I really am happy for her, but if I keep suppressing my feelings then there's going to come a day when everything that I've bottled up explodes and I don't want that to happen. I'm not mad at her…I'm mad at myself." She said.
"You didn't do anything wrong so you can't be mad at yourself. I know you're upset and you haven't had time to deal with this properly because you get the news right after you were raped then we find out Megan's pregnant and then she dies and I go blind. All of us have expected you to be the pillar of strength that we can all lean on and come to with our problems but we all failed to see how badly you were hurting and struggling with this revelation and for that I am so sorry, Brooke." He said as he held her in his arms.
"How did we become so broken?" She asked after they had sat in the silence for a long while.
He shook his head. "No one said life would be easy."
--
"So," Sam asked as she leaned back on the couch. "What are your intentions with Victoria?"
The man shifted uncomfortably on the loveseat.
"I mean, you've been seeing her for almost a month now so there's got to be something special there or else this thing wouldn't have lasted as long as it has. You're not just going out with her for sex, right?"
His face turned red as he shook his head.
Sam scribbled a few words down on her notepad before glancing back up at him. "David, you can talk to me, you know. I'm trying to get to know you here."
"You're just kind of intimidating." David shrugged.
Sam smiled in a satisfied manner. "Where are you taking her tonight?"
"Out to dinner and then to a movie."
Sam laughed. "David, come on. That's so common and boring! You need something fun and exciting."
David leaned forward. "What do you suggest?"
"Take her some place totally unexpected. Do something you normally wouldn't do, like try rock climbing or something." She grinned.
David laughed. "Where would one go rock climbing in North Carolina in March?"
"Well maybe not rock climbing but something fun and unexpected. You need to take your relationship to the next level before she gets bored." Sam said as she placed her notepad down on the coffee table. David glanced over at it to see that she really hadn't written anything down, she had just doodled Jack's name all over the page. He smiled to himself.
"David?" Victoria's voice echoed down the hall. "Is that you I hear?"
David stood up when he saw her enter the family room. "You look stunning." He said as he gave her the once over.
Victoria blushed. "Thank you."
"Now, go change." He ordered.
Sam chuckled, as she remained seated on the couch.
"Excuse me?" Victoria asked. "I spent the past hour trying to figure out what dress to wear and now you want me to change?"
David nodded. "Preferably into jeans and a sweatshirt."
Victoria stared at him. "I don't wear jeans or sweatshirts." She said in horror.
"Tonight you do." He smiled.
Victoria shook her head before turning and heading back upstairs to her bedroom to change.
"What are you doing?" Sam asked.
"Something fun and unexpected." He replied.
--
"Are you sure you have to go back?" Brooke pouted as she, Julian, Jess and Lucas stood on the curb just outside the airport.
Jess nodded. "I'll try and take some time off next month to come out and visit though."
"You've become like a sister to me, though. How am I supposed to go a month without seeing you?"
"You could come out and visit me." Jess shrugged.
"It's not the same as having you around every single day. Do you even have friends out in LA?"
Julian laughed as did Jess and Lucas. Jess nodded. "I have lived out there for my entire life, I have made friends."
"I'm going to miss you." Brooke said as she pulled Jess into a hug.
"I'll see you soon, though." Jess smiled as she hugged her back.
She smiled at Julian before hugging him after letting go of Brooke. "Break her heart and I'll break your face." Jess joked. Julian smiled as he held his sister in his arms. The last time either one of them had said that line was when he said it to Will back in high school when he and Jess first got together. "I love you." He said as he kissed the top of her head. "Take care of yourself." He added before letting go. Brooke led Julian back to the car so Jess could have a moment alone with Lucas.
"This is going to be a hard two weeks." She said as she wrapped her arms around his waist.
Lucas nodded his head in agreement. "It will be but then we'll be back together again and it'll be great. We're going to make this work."
"I know we are." She nodded. "I really like you."
He smiled. "I really like you too."
She leaned closer so her lips were almost touching his. "I think I could really love you someday."
He leaned in and closed the small gap between their lips and kissed her. She deepened the kiss before pulling away after hearing Julian pounding on the car window. She laughed when she saw Brooke pull him away and mouthing 'sorry'.
"I think you would make me the happiest man in the world if you loved me someday." He smiled before kissing her again.
She pulled away a few seconds later. "I think I have to go." She said sadly.
He nodded. "I think you're right." He pulled her in for one more kiss before letting her go. He watched as she walked toward the airport doors pulling her suitcase behind her. He smiled when he saw her turn around and wink at him right before entering the airport.
"I think you're falling for her, Luke." Brooke smiled when he got back in the car.
Lucas leaned back comfortably in the back seat. "I already have." He smiled.
--
Sam was still at Victoria's condo when she and David returned. "So," She said as she placed her magazine down on the table. "What fun and exciting thing did you two do tonight?"
"David took me down to the boardwalk and we raced dune buggies on the beach. Then we went and played some fair games and he won me this big stuffed monkey," She lifted up the huge monkey she had managed to keep hidden. "Then we got some cotton candy and went on a few rides. It was great!" Victoria exclaimed. "Let me go put on a pot of coffee." She said as she rushed toward the kitchen.
Sam raised her eyebrows as David walked toward the loveseat. "Not exactly what I had in mind but I'm glad the two of you had fun." She smiled.
"It was great," David grinned. "It was the first time since we started seeing each other that we were able to let go and have fun."
Sam nodded. "That's what it's all about, my friend."
David laughed. "I like you, you know that?"
She shrugged. "Most people do."
--
They lay on the couch, her in his arms, watching a movie however; neither of their eyes were on the television screen. Rather, they were focused on the urn. She had had enough. She got up, picked up the urn and walked toward the back door. "Where are you going?" Julian asked as he got up and followed her.
"I can't stare at this thing anymore, Julian." She sighed as she placed it down on the back deck. "So until you figure out what you want to do with their ashes, it's going to stay out here on the deck."
"What if I never figure out what to do with them?" He asked as he stared down at the urn.
"Eventually you will." She shrugged.
"But what if I don't, Brooke?"
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" She asked softly. He remained silent but continued to stare down at the urn full of ashes. "It's been three weeks since the accident and I still have no idea what happened that day. I've tried to make sense of everything but it just doesn't add up. I've tried being patient but there comes a point where I just need to know so I can stop running all these possible scenarios through my head. I want to help you through this and as many times as you may say you're fine, I know you're not because you won't talk about Megan or your baby or what happened or how you're feeling. You can't be okay, Julian." She said as she reached for his hand. "Tell me what happened."
"Let's go inside and sit down." He said as he led her back in the house. "It's going to be a long night."
She smiled as she followed him back into the house. Finally, she was going to get the answers she had long since searched for.
--
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