A/N: here's that next chapter i promised, and it's only 11:11 at night! whoa, weird, all ones. anyway, warning people, becuase this is an ANGST-FEST chapter. LoL! but you'll like the end. THANK GOD FOR SAKURA. seriously. she was a little annoying in the original Naruto serious, but in Shippuuden i absolutely love that girl. and you'll like her, too, at the end of this chapter. and in this you'll see how Tsunade learns about Naruto and Gaara, which is like foreshadowing as to how she'll play matchmaker. along with something Sakura asks in, like, the last couple sentences.
Sabaku No Gaara
I cursed at myself. I should have known better! I shouldn't have even touched him, let alone kiss him twice. I shouldn't have told him then, or maybe ever. I should have kept it inside and valued my time with him, forever in love and forever unhurt. I should have known that once I lay my heart on the line, the weight would be too much and the line would snap. I should have known I was going to be rejected.
And part of me had known; part of me had been weary, hesitant, afraid. Why had I ignored that part? Why did I still push forward and try with all my might to let him know how much I cared?
Because that's how he is.
That's right… I see now, that's why. Because Naruto is so determined, so strong, so passionate in what he does, that I felt obliged to do the same. He changed me, but maybe it was for the worse instead of the better. Because of him, I was left here in my office on my knees. He changed me before, and who knows, maybe he'll change me again. Change me back into the cold-hearted bastard I was, because I'll be too afraid to love and be rejected again.
Yet I couldn't see that happening. Naruto seemed to still have his magical hold on me. I felt vulnerable and weak, aching to the point where I was back in the habit of clutching my chest through my shirt, but I was still me. I was still the 'new' Gaara, still the only teenager to have been killed and brought back to live again. But after this… heartbreak… I don't think I should have lived again. I should have stayed dead, with a heart that was relaxed and loved by at least someone.
Someone… someone to need me, to have me. I have two 'someone's like that, but it's not the same; family is not the same as a lover. Two different loves, two different needs.
I thought long ago that I only needed to love myself. But I was so very, very deep in denial. I wanted my siblings to love me, my Village to at least not hate me, and for anyone to take me in their arms and kiss me, touch me, tell me they thought I was the opposite of a monster. I wanted it so badly that I hid behind my contorted logic until my head was bashed in and my logic was straightened. Yes, I remember that head-butt he gave me. Not the fondest memory of the blonde to visit, but it had helped me. To see how much he strived to protect everyone from me and Shukaku… it had helped me.
But now… now he just broke me. I felt like bleeding, like throwing up my heart in one giant sack of crimson so that the pain would just leave my body. Temari said she wanted Naruto to make me 'feel'. Well shit, Temari, I'm feeling something right now. But I doubt it's what you had intended.
But what hurt me wasn't his returned 'I love you' or the pushing away of my kiss; it was how he up and vanished. One minute he was right in front of me where I could reach out and stroke his cheek or grab his wrist to stop him from turning around, and the next minute he's gone up in smoke, literally.
I should have known better. Because if I had, I would have never let go of his sleeves, and he would have been stuck with me. I'd rather him be here and not loving me than far away and not loving me. At least with the first option I know he can always come back; at least with the first option I can raise my heart out of it's painful pit to see his face and hear him speak. At least then he wouldn't be kilometers away and possibly never coming back.
Suddenly, I felt furious with myself; furious for being so reckless and even more furious for acting this way. I was Kazekage! I was Sabaku No Gaara! I have no need for this sort of behavior. In fact, I detested it. I sounded very much like a suicide broken heart case. The latter was true, but I was not about to end the existence I just got back not but a week ago.
If I could handle a real-life demon, a personal one shouldn't be too hard to bear. And in this case I am most definitely calling my heartbreak a personal demon; I had bestowed in on myself, after all. It was entirely my fault that I felt this injury; I had been the one to love the kitsune, I had been the one to kiss him, and I had been the one who said 'aishiteru'. It was my fault; hence it is my own demon of an injury to bear. But I can handle it.
I just hoped my subconscious dreams could. But most of all, I hoped my eyelids could; for at this very moment, the tears I had been holding in dared to spill over.
It felt like only a few short hours before Naruto arrived in Konoha. It had in fact been 48 hours, which is two straight days, without rest or sleep in between. He arrived, exhausted body and all, only to collapse onto his neatly made bed right before the sun rose.
As he slept, terrifying dreams – ones of Gaara kissing him but turning to sand and blowing away with the wind – entered and exited his mind. He frowned, winced and mumbled in his sleep, tossing and turning. His sheets fell to the floor, and the blonde was left bare and cold on his mattress when he woke up at 6:00 in the evening. Around that time is when he awoke, showered and dressed, deciding to give Tsunade a visit.
Effortlessly, Naruto put on a smile as he came into the old hag's office. "Yo! I'm back," he said as brightly as he could.
"Good, because I was about to –!" but the large-breasted woman pauses, not fooled by the smile. "What's up with you?" she asks bluntly.
"What d'ya mean, Tsunade-baachan?" he replies, tying to sound like he meant it. He failed yet again.
Slowly, Tsunade tells him, "Well, I'm glad you're back… I even have a mission for you, but I'll let you rest a couple days before I send you on it. B-rank, so you should be satisfied. Although, before we talk about missions, I'd like you to explain to me what happened in Sunagakure. You have no poker face, Uzumaki." And neither did your mother or father, come to think of it. All the Uzumaki's can't bluff, it seems.
The teen sighed, not looking at his Hokage. "Do I have to tell you?" he whines, sounding like a child.
She smirks. "Yes, you do. Tell me everything. Think of it as… your mission's report."
Naruto blushes slightly. "Every…thing?!"
"Yup," the older woman nods. "In the meantime, I'll have Shizune bring up some ramen from Ichiraku up to the two of us. It's dinner hour, after all. I think I'll even partake in some sake. Want a little? You look like you could use it."
"Wha-?! Sake?! I'm not old enough to drink!"
"You're 15; I think that's old enough for one little shot-glass. What do you say?" The 'kage offered, leaning into her intertwined fingers as she smirked.
Naruto grumbled something about getting drunk, but nodded his head.
The blonde woman smiled. That's exactly what she wanted to hear; how else to get information out of someone other than to loosen their lips with a miniature amount of sake?
Uzumaki Naruto
In the middle of the night, I woke up with a start, cold sweat dripping onto my pillow. What a weird, alarming dream I had. Thank God I don't remember it much.
I rubbed at my eyes, trying to get all the sleepy crust out of them. I glanced over at my clock near the picture of Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi and I. I still regret not being nicer to him that day; maybe if I hadn't been such an ass back then (the day of the picture and afterwards), he wouldn't have left…
Shaking those thoughts away, I looked back at the clock, because momentarily I forgot what time I saw. It read 12:47, and I realized it wasn't as late as I thought. But then again, I was still wiped out from coming home today, and that little sake run-in with Tsunade. I cam home at about 8:00, I think. Or 9:00. I forget. Either way, I've had a few hours for sleep, like a nap, and after a nightmare like that one I'll probably be up for a while.
The nightmare had been intense. And, like a previously disturbing dream I had when I came home early in the morning today, it involved Gaara.
Vaguely, I wondered what my friend the Kazekage was doing. I hoped he hadn't cried like I thought I saw him about to do right before I left. I also hoped he didn't… think too much about me. Whatever he's doing, I hope he's as close to happy as he can get. Although, something told me, whatever it is, he's doing it alone.
Just like I am right now.
But that's my own fault, now, isn't it? Not the alone-with-no-family thing; that isn't my fault. But worrying about Gaara and how alone he must feel. That's my fault. I wish he didn't… I wish he hadn't said that word. Or kissed me. Because then I wouldn't have to had hurt him; I never thought I could break someone's heart, reject someone's love. I always thought it'd be the other way around. Why, why did someone – and a boy if that – had to choose me? And why Gaara of all people? He's so helpless when it comes to this crap. The evidence is written clearly on his forehead, even if I have n idea why it's written there.
Shit, now I can never look at 'ai' again. It'll just remind me of this… mess. But does that mean I'm never going to look at Gaara again? Even if I had declined his offer (which is what that kiss was; it was an offer), he's still my friend. He's still precious to me, even if it's not in that way.
Although I doubt he'd want to be my friend after what I've done.
Grumbling at how depressing that sounds, I rolled over and tried to sleep again, despite how awake I felt. Because, you know what? Thinking is overrated, especially if you over-analyze things.
Sabaku No Gaara
A touch on the forehead (right where my scar is, above my left eye, I noticed) awoke me from the nightmare I'd been having. Groggily, I looked up into the darkness to see the moonlight silhouette my sister's hair, hanging down on her shoulders with her ponytails out. "Gaara?" she whispered in a worried tone. "You were… you were whimpering in your sleep, and you have a fever."
"I do?" I say faintly, running my hands through my hair. It felt damp with sweat.
"Did… did you have a nightmare?" Temari wants to know, sitting herself down on the edge of my bed with one knee brought up to her chest.
I wanted to lie and say no, but instead decided to tell the truth. "Hai."
She hesitates, acting a little unlike herself. Probably due to me waking her up from her beauty-sleep. "Want to talk to me about it?"
I shake my head. "Not now, onee-chan. Go back to sleep."
I watch in the dim light as her eyes grow wide. "When… when was the last time you called me that, I wonder? It's been a long time."
"It was a fluke," I lie. "I'm tired, so it slipped out."
She nodded as if that made perfect sense. "If you say so. But tell me about that dream in the morning, okay? They say if you tell someone about your nightmares, you won't get them again."
"Sure," I say with a fake yawn. "Now get out of here before I send my sand after you."
Either she was too tired to remember I couldn't do that anymore or she knew I was joking, I didn't know; but still she left, shutting my door silently behind her. She worried about me too much these days. Like after Naruto had left, she wanted to know how my confession went. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She asked again a few more times. But when I didn't answer for two days straight, she stopped asking. She figured out the answer by then.
I didn't want to sleep after she shut that door. So, picking up old habits, I slip on some back clothes and headed for the roof. As soon as I was on top of the world (or at least Suna) I cast my eyes to the Heavens, laying my body down on rough sandstone.
When and how I had fallen asleep, I don't know; but I remember the dream. And it startled me awake only to clutch my chest and murmur a name. "Naruto."
Days grew into weeks that became a month, and in that month since leaving Suna, the Kyuubi boy had grown restless, guilty, and depressed. For any normal person, the depression would cause them to do things like: not talk to people, stay locked up in their rooms, slit their wrists, cry, eat more than usual, starve themselves, or get a meaningless hobby that made no sense (like constant exercise when they hate it normally, or collecting strange things).
Yes, any normal person would do any (or possible more than one) of the mope-y things above. But not this blonde knuckle-headed ninja.
No, this ninja was strong and refused to be in a depression, which is in fact the denial stage of said depression. And with his denial came an unusual chipper attitude that normally was much more subtly worn by Naruto as part of his personality. But it was much too happy, much too forced, and much too painful to look at. Because no matter what Sakura, Kakashi, or their new teammates Sai and Yamato-taichou did or said, the blonde remained oddly 'fine'.
Example…
"Naruto-kun," Yamato said slowly, "How about I treat the four of you to dinner?"
"That's so kind of you, 'ttebayo! But, actually, I'm content with just cooking something. You don't need to treat me. But don't hesitate to keep Sai and Sakura-chan in the deal! I bet it'd make them happy."
The point was to make him happy, as you can see. He was acting like everything was perfectly fine, now matter what the situation.
And this is, in fact, a form of depression. It's a heavy, forced state of denial that nothing can make you sad, when in actuality everything reminds you of something that makes you sad.
Example of Naruto's thoughts during Yamato's suggestion of dinner…
Temari and Kankurou treated us to dinner. In retrospect, Gaara had…Iiya, iiya! Shut up! I refuse to think about my extended stay in Suna. Nothing happened, nothing happened…!
A second point: when in a depression, we try our hardest to pretend nothing bothers us. We pretend that whatever made us depressed isn't real. This is, as you can guess, even more denial.
And sakura saw though it. One night, a day after the four of them came back form a mission, she confronted him. "That's it, Naruto! I'm sick of you acting like this!"
"S-Sakura…-chan…?"
"Don't 'Sakura-chan' me!" she shouts. "Tell me what happened in Sunagakure, Naruto, or I swear to Kami that I'll beat it out of you. You told Tsunade and she told me to wait for you to confess on your own, but I can't take it. Even Sai, master of emotion-manipulation, couldn't do what you've been doing for over a month now. No one is this happy, Naruto, not even you."
The blonde sighed heavily, and Sakura stared had at him.
When he still didn't say anything she cracked her neck but softened her tone. "I know it must've been bad, Naruto-kun," she coos, trying to butter him up. She comes closer, placing her hand on his shoulder. "But whatever happened, I'm sure you can tell me. I've known you most of my life, and you've been a very close friend ever since we joined team 7 all those years ago. So, please… tell me what's bothering you."
Cerulean blue eyes meet soft blue-tinted green as he looks up at her. She'll probably hit me for this, but… "Fine. I'll tell you. But it ain't going to be pretty."
So, aside from his buzzed, alcohol-induced rant with Tsunade the night he got back, he told the first person who wanted to know what had happened. He told her abut what fun he had, and how oddly at home the Kazekage mansion was. Naruto told her about falling asleep during the movie, and how weird Gaara acted after wards. He told Sakura about the ice cream and the ramen shop, about walking home and talking about the stars. When he got to the day he was supposed to leave, he pauses. "And then after an afternoon of talking to Gaara in his office, he asked if I wanted to know why he was acting weird around me lately… but when…"
Sakura blinks at him as he drifts off and looks away. She knew this is the exact scene where something happened that ripped him up inside. "Go on, Naruto." She coaxed.
"G-Gaara, he… he kissed me and said he was…" He gulped. "In love with me."
Silence.
Without laughing or raising her voice or hitting him, she asked, "Are you serious? What… what did you do after that?"
Naruto stood and stated pacing. "Nothing! I didn't kiss him back, I didn't say anything – although I tried to, the words didn't come – and I started to freak out when I saw his hurt face and smelled his scent since he was so close and the weird feeling of that kiss… so I, I… I ran."
Sakura frowned at him. "You just ran away? To where?"
"Here, of 'course. I went two days without stop or rest and crashed on my bed. I just ran."
Sakura stood, walked over to him, and smartly smacked his left cheek. "Ow! What the hell was that for, dattebayo?!" He added his phrase at the end like a whining child complaining that hit wasn't fair play.
"For running away, dumbass!" she barks. "If someone says 'aishiteru' to you, they mean business! You can't just run away because you're a little freaked out! What if I were to say that to you?" she flushed. "Would you run away from me? What if – Heaven forbid! – Sasuke said it? Or, more logically, Hinata? Would you run away from them?"
Naruto's face went into shock, his mouth open and eyes strained wide, threatening to shed tears. "N-no, I don't… I don't think so… Sasuke I might punch in the face and ask if he was insane, but Hinata or… you… I wouldn't. I wouldn't run," he repeats, hearing the truth in his words.
"Well then," the pink-haired girl says with forced calmness, "All you need to do now is two questions: Why did you run from Gaara if you wouldn't run from any other person? And: When is the Kazekage supposed to come to Konoha again?"