"Will I cry when it's all over?"
-be Human by Scott Matthew
I was visiting Nick's grave when it happened.
So many years had passed, but the tradition remained. Visit graves, visit on birthdays, hide from the world. Granted, not as much lately—I guess growing up did that to you—but I still wasn't as active in the public's eye as past Champions had been. The media quieted down about it, and trainers accepted it. It was just another facet of the new Sinnoh I was slowly, so very slowly, helping to shape.
My life had been filled with many blessings. I had almost gotten used to the glaring lack of bad luck in my life.
But as if karma had been saving up just for me, soon I got enough to last a lifetime.
"They're all growing like weeds, of course. And it's been crazy as always," I told the headstone in front of me, picking at the dried mud on my boots. These visits had long since lost most of their sadness, instead a gentle reminder now. Time did heal wounds, it would seem. "Oh, I guess Gwendolyn's first birthday is coming up. That girl is going to end up worse than Hanna at this rate. I think it has a princess theme, but why they'd give a theme to a one-year-old's birthday party is beyond me..."
Behind me, I heard a thump. That wasn't the thing that grabbed my attention—that would be Carlita shrieking bloody murder. I was on my feet and running in their direction, Alice swooping down to investigate as well, before my mind could process what I was seeing.
Des had collapsed. His eyes were screwed shut, flames licking at the edges of his mouth. His breathing was shallow and labored, I could tell already. "Des? Des!" I tried to lift him back to his feet, scratching behind his ears, pulling on them, trying to get him to open his eyes again. His fur was scorching, and when I dug my fingers into it to feel his skin, I actually burned myself. I didn't know if fire Pokémon could run a fever, but this sure seemed like it.
Carlita, shrieking because he'd nearly set Celia on fire, shoved the Roselia in Konstantin's arms and ran back to us, prancing from foot to foot anxiously. "What's wrong with him?"
"I—I don't know," I said, still trying to rouse him. "Did anyone see what happened?"
"I saw from the air. He just fell over. Nearly landed on Carlita and Celia," Alice remarked, fluttering over us. She batted a curious Vi away with a hiss. "He's sick! Stay back, be careful!"
"He's sick?" I repeated, still running my hands over his face and fur, ignoring the burns. "Des, come on. Wake up..."
"What else could he be?" Konstantin asked quietly.
-.-.-
We rushed him to the Oreburgh hospital. It was hardly any time at all before Vai found us, naturally. I didn't have the patience for the media—it was sort of big news when the Champion's starter was in the emergency room, it seemed—but he kept them at bay with an unusual sternness.
"Brother, are you alright?" he asked gently, standing guard by the door.
I was a wreck by that point. Wringing my hands, unable to help pacing, hardly aware of the world around me. "I don't know what's wrong with him. He just... fell over. He hasn't woken up." Temporarily snapping out of it as I noticed him, I couldn't help but say, "You seem to have things under control. Got here pretty fast."
"When my family is in danger, I must rush to help. That, and I have been keeping an eye on you in what you believe are your clandestine visits to Oreburgh every year," he replied with an arched eyebrow. I had been very neglectful on visiting him when I stopped by Nick's grave, and I did feel bad for it. It was just that current circumstances trumped that guilt. "Come, sit down."
"I can't sit right now, Vai," I said and turned on my heel, striding back across the room. "He's... Damn it. Vai, you weren't sitting still when Sarika was in danger."
He tensed up, the ghost of a frown at his mouth, but said, "This is true."
"I'm sorry, I'm just—he's always been so sturdy. He's never had more than a cough before. He's taken beatings in battles, but he's just so... He's my rock, Vai. I'm going to go crazy waiting out here if a doctor doesn't come out and tell me what's going on!" Despite the perfect cue and raised voice, no convenient doctor burst through the doors to tell me Des was fine and it was only a fever or the flu or something.
I felt the first pang of fear then.
"Please, calm down. You will do him no good, when he wakes up, if he awakes to find you have worried yourself into a heart attack." Vaikuntha sat down in one of the chairs and patted the one next to him. I dragged myself over and sat down as well, but I couldn't keep still there, either. I chewed on my lip, I crossed and uncrossed my legs, I tapped my feet, I pulled at my shirt.
It wasn't an easy hour wait.
Vai was seriously worried that I would need to be sedated by the time the doctor came out. I nearly tackled the poor woman. "What's wrong with him? Is he going to be okay? Is he awake?"
She delicately plucked me off of her and adjusted her glasses. "I am afraid to have to inform you of this..." My heart sank. "He is not doing well at this time. We're doing everything we can, naturally, and we're lucky this is a fairly common occurrence in fire Pokémon."
"But what is wrong with him?" Vaikuntha asked gently as I flailed wordlessly at that very same question. He put an arm around me, more to hold me still than to comfort me. Well, knowing him, it was probably equal amounts—but I wasn't one to be comforted right then.
"Over years and years of use of fire attacks, it can wear on the body. The throat and lungs particularly suffer. Evolution helps to heal this, so it is mostly long-lived Pokémon with a two-stage evolutionary line that this affects. Tell me, did your Camerupt evolve early?"
"I... I guess. It was a little over a year after I got him," I mumbled, still numbed by the information I'd been handed. I had no idea breathing fire could have that sort of an effect. It was worse than Carlita or Ike; they had been outside forces. This had come from within. It almost sounded like it was inevitable.
"You don't know how old he was when you got him?" the doctor asked.
"Um... No, not really. I don't think he was that old, though."
"It does sound like he evolved fairly young, then. In itself, this problem isn't that serious, although we rarely see such advanced cases as to actually force the Pokémon to collapse. Had he exhibited any symptoms, such as fatigue, overuse or less use of fire attacks, or difficulty breathing?"
"No. I mean, I didn't notice anything... He's always been kind of slow, so he could have been tired... I don't know," I told her, fear building. Des had been sick for awhile? He could have been having trouble under my nose and I hadn't even noticed. "Doctor, is he going to be okay?"
The pause was very telling. Vai's grip on my arm tightened.
"...As I mentioned, this problem isn't incredibly serious. Fatigue, some dehydration, and some burning of the throat. These are fairly easily fixed with liquids and rest. But, I'm afraid I have to tell you that that is not all that is wrong. That is the cause." The woman pressed her lips together, not quite a frown, but something painful instead. "His fire sac has been overtaxed. This does not mean he has been using it too little or too much, so don't jump to that conclusion."
Just as I had been ready to leap. "What does it mean then?" I asked, but my voice sounded far away. This had to be a nightmare. Des had never been sick or this hurt before.
"There is a small chance of this happening with any fire Pokémon. It probably stems from a small genetic defect or bad breeding. The protective membrane around it has been weakened, to the point where much of the heat has been escaping, into his body. Camerupt already have high body temperatures, and can stand even higher temperatures inside and outside of their body, but it was too constant and too high for his body to adapt or adjust. It had been damaging his other organs and muscle."
I hardly heard her as she continued explaining, gently and sympathetically, what was going on in my starter's body. I was elsewhere, asleep in my room, or knocked out cold from another bad fight, surely. It just wasn't happening to Des. Not my Pedestal.
"We can repair the weakened membrane around the fire sac, as well as the damage to his throat. Most of his major organs are unharmed, since he is a large Pokémon and they weren't forced into that close of contact with the sac. Unfortunately... One lung has been severely damaged. We are trying to save it, but it's likely it will have to be removed. His heart, too, suffered greatly, and we believe he may have to have a transplant."
The last bit penetrated the fog of my mind just enough to give me the lovely mental image of them cutting my Camerupt's heart out.
The ground promptly rushed up to meet me.
-.-.-
Des had been rehydrated and fixed of what they could before they prepped him for surgery. A day and a half had passed. I stayed at his bedside the entire time, for as long as they'd let me—well, which was the entire time, since I didn't hesitate on pulling the 'I am the Champion' card. Also under the list of perks I could owe to that card was the fact that they had already found a heart that they said should work.
I had been warned on the dangers of this surgery. They told me Des had been, too. There were risks, major risks, and the doctors were not entirely optimistic.
I hadn't had the courage to tell anyone else about that; Vai, the eternal saint, had took the responsibility for himself. He explained it patiently to my team, he had called up Hanna and Cossette and others, and had closed down the Gym so he could stay with me.
But just for now, just in this room, it was the two of us.
"How are you feeling?" I choked out, my fingers deep in his shaggy fur.
"Fine, of course," he said, voice hoarse. "The medicine they have been feeding me tastes terrible."
"They have to. They're lowering your fire thing's temperature—"
"I know, Trainer. But it tastes terrible." He rolled over awkwardly and licked the top of my head. His breath smelled like peppermint. "You're worried, aren't you?"
"Of course I am, Des. You know me better than that," I scoffed, fingers tightening. I looked down at his belly. "...They're gonna shave you for this surgery. You're gonna be half bald."
"Don't remind me," he groaned and flopped back down with a grunt. I rubbed his belly apologetically. "...I evolved early, yes. I evolved to rescue Isabella. I don't regret it, Trainer."
"I know you don't," I whispered, moving my hand up to scratch behind his ears like he liked so much. He rumbled in contentment.
"Don't worry about me, Trainer." I nodded, blinking back tears.
"Y-You'll be fine. There's perks to being the Champion's teammate, you know. You'll get the best heart ever, and they'll cover up your fire thing, and your throat will heal right up, they told me... You'll be fine, Des," I said, voice cracking and betraying me. He nodded. I buried my face in his shoulder's fur, struggling to hold back the tears. I hadn't cried since Oonu's funeral. Well, actually, I had cried when Hanna dragged me into the delivery room and subsequently broke my hand, but these tears now were nothing but sorrow. There was nothing bittersweet about them; just the sadness from my heart.
It seemed like all too soon when they ushered me out and wheeled him down the hall, away from me, for surgery. I watched him leave me.
Out in the waiting room, I had friends and family to console me, but really, I was inconsolable until I heard Des was out of surgery and fine again. Hanna distracted me with a forced meal and her daughter, and my mom hardly let go of me. Until she was pushed out of the way by Cossette when she arrived, at any rate.
"Eat," Hanna urged, holding the spoon up to my mouth. It was one of Gwendolyn's, but it was full of the jello she had been trying to get me to eat for the past half hour.
"Eat," the little girl repeated with a squeal.
"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, pulling my head away like an unruly child. Cossette, sitting beside me, took either side of my face with her hands. I didn't have the energy to glare at her.
"You will eat, and you will like it," she told me.
"I'm not hungry. I'll just throw it back up," I told her, just as stubbornly.
"If Gwen can keep it down, you can," Jude said airily, nudging my back with his shoe. "Worrying like this is only going to make you sick. Not to mention how many angry females you'll have on your hands if you wind up in the hospital as well."
Cossette kept her hold on me, and leaned in until our foreheads were touching. "If you do not eat, ma puce, I will have to do terrible things to you."
"Like?" I challenged halfheartedly.
"Not in front of the child, please," Hanna butted in.
"What not in front of the child?" Vai asked, clearly confused.
If nothing else, they helped pass the time. They didn't allow pokémon out in the waiting room, and at one point I escaped outside to update the rest of the team, but mostly, my entourage didn't let me out of their sight. It wasn't entirely unwelcome, but I wish I could have spent some of the time with my other Pokémon as well.
When the doctor walked out, I wished the waiting time would have gone on forever.
-.-.-
I watched the large casket as it was lowered into the ground. There was a crowd all around me, people I didn't know, strangers, cameras. They had loved Des, followed him and I through our journeys. I was unused to the celebrity side of my life, even then, but I wanted to turn around and scream at them all to leave us alone. He was not their Des. He had been mine.
But I didn't scream at them. I didn't say a thing. I couldn't speak at all during the ceremony, before, or after, or to anyone who talked to me. My voice had left me, and I couldn't stop staring at the patch of dirt missing the grass below the new headstone.
My Pedestal had finally been taken away from me altogether, and with him, my world had been pulled out from under my feet. I was lost without him. The loss of Des in my life hurt more than any other death; it was so keen, so broad, so everywhere. There wasn't anything I could do or see or touch or taste or smell that didn't remind me of him. He had been part of my life for so long, and without warning, now, I was on my own. No more support or moral compass.
I was lost.