A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a birthday, and it's today. Since I'm so kind and giving (yeah, I know, I'm laughing hysterically too) I decided to celebrate by giving you a little present instead. :D And this isn't the only gift you're getting, but more on that in a minute.

Thanks go to my uberbeta coldplaywhore. She called me Honey Bean the other day, and we didn't know what it meant. I did a little research…I'm either a Jelly Belly jelly bean, a coffee bean, or bean curd. I think I'm going with the Jelly Bean… :)

Thanks to My Constants - MissyV (MeowVemulapalli), Baby G (Risbee), and La V (missveritys). I got to go to lunch at my favorite Mexican Food restaurant with Missy V the other day and it was fun. I just wish my Baby G and La V could have joined us… :(

Thanks to Twilight44 & Unchanged Affections for prereading this. Twilight44 is branching out and prereading other stories now, and I'm so proud…I can say I knew her when. :D And Unchanged Affections made me something amazing for my birthday. It's a little video with two of my favorite men – Robert Pattinson and Michael Vartan. I plan to watch it repeatedly for several days…and taunt uberbeta, since she has a love for those two boys that rivals my own. :D

K, so in addition to this chapter today, I'm also posting the first chapter in the continuation of another o/s I wrote, What I Really Meant To Say. I'm excited about it, so I hope you'll love it. :)

Thanks for always being so wonderful to me…I couldn't be more grateful for each and every one of you. You've made this past year something amazing for me and I could never say thank you enough. :)

Here we go…you know what's coming.

o~*~o~*~o~*~o

Chapter 13 - Forever

Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time,
With another girl... little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life.
You're my heroine-in this moment I'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams.
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven... this broken heart of mine.

Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever,
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever.

"Forever" by Papa Roach

o~*~o~*~o~*~o

"Bella? Are you okay? Will you let me explain what happened in there?" I asked, sorrow and regret seeping into my words. She continued looking down at her hands, her fingers twisting together, as she took a big breath. Her voice was only a shaky whisper.

"I want to go home." Her words saddened me, though I was in no way surprised. The fact that she hadn't run away—that she was sitting in my car—gave me some hope that maybe she would listen to me, just as she had promised.

I knew I didn't deserve it - her keeping her word to me after I had lied to her for weeks -but that didn't stop me from dreaming she would. We sat in silence, the tension in the air thick enough to cut with a knife, and as the seconds ticked by, my resolve grew. This was it; I had to tell her everything. I knew it would hurt her, and most likely I would lose her, but I hadn't told her so far and yet here we were. Keeping her in the dark about my past was not working either, I was losing her anyway, so what other choice did I have?

"Please, just let me tell you what was going on. It's not what you think." I kept my voice gentle as I watched her closely to see if she would have any emotion, any reaction to my words.

"I just want to go home, Edward. This was a mistake, I want to go home." Her voice was still quiet, a whisper, but I could hear the pain in it. It was breaking my heart.

"Let's go somewhere else. Let's just drive or get ice cream or something, anything Bella, let's just get out of here." Watching her pull away from me was difficult. I was desperate to talk to her, have a chance to explain all the things that had been haunting me. If I could just find a way to keep her with me, find an opportunity to tell her, I hoped that maybe I could make her listen.

She turned to look at me, her eyes hardened by what she had seen me doing just moments before. "If you don't want to take me home then I'll call my dad, he'll come get me."

"Bella please...please don't do this. Just stay with me, please. Anything, we'll do anything you want," I begged her. The idea that she would be willing to ask her dad to drive an hour to pick her up had me freaked out. How could things have gotten so far off track? I was starting to panic as the severity of the situation finally began to dawn on me. She really did want to get away from me and I had to find a way to fix things before it was too late.

She glanced down, her eyes leaving mine for a moment before looking back to me. Her words came softly and the sorrow in her eyes made me want to vomit. "Please Edward, just take me home."

I let out a deep sigh, my eyelids sliding closed as my brow furrowed. As I spoke, my voice was filled with anguish, tinged with pleading, "I don't want to take you home yet, Bella." She sat quietly, while I waited for the sound of the door opening, or her screaming and yelling at me. There was nothing.

When I looked back toward her, I was surprised to see her staring silently at my phone that she held in her hands. She slid it open, looking at the screen. Her fingers were soon gliding over the buttons and it dawned on me what she was doing—she was looking through my phone book. With each push of her finger, her eyes got mistier, and by the time she was done, tears were falling down her cheeks. I knew what she had seen—all the girls' names and phone numbers. I hadn't called any of them in months, but I knew they were still there.

She dropped the phone into the center console and put her hands in her lap, her head dropping forward as she started to cry. I watched as her shoulders began to shake and she made a sniffling sound, showing how much she was suffering because of my actions and choices. I knew it was over; I had blown my chance with her. If only I'd been honest maybe it would have been different, but I was too chicken to tell her the truth, and I lost her anyway.

With defeat in my tone, I gently pushed my key into the ignition. "I'll take you home," I whispered, trying to not show any of the frustration and despair I was feeling in that moment. She kept her head bowed and I didn't fight the tears that slid down my cheeks. My heart was broken over this girl and I knew that hers was broken over me as well. What a pair we made, both of us too scared to tell the truth to the other in an effort to save them pain, yet only causing it to magnify with deception and secrecy.

The drive back to Forks usually took about an hour, but at the snails pace I was going, it would take even longer than that. We were silent, only the sounds of our breathing and the tires on the road breaking through. I glanced carefully toward her every so often, noticing that her eyes stayed glued to the window, watching outside as we drove. Her cheeks were still wet and I knew she hadn't stopped crying, but I didn't know if there was anything that I could do for her. I knew that if she accepted help from someone, she wouldn't want it to be me.

I thought over things as we drove; over all the different chances I had to come clean with her. I didn't know if it would have made that much of a difference in the way things turned out, but in my perfect world I had confessed the first time we spoke and she had forgiven me without a second thought. Some fantasy world you're living in, Cullen. Like that would ever happen. I knew someone as wonderful as Bella should never settle for a mess up like me, and part of me was actually relieved that all the waiting was finally over. She finally knew what I really was, and she was getting out before it was too late. For some sick reason I was actually proud of her for it.

About fifteen miles before we reached Forks, she cleared her throat. "Why did you leave me at the door?" Her voice was raw with emotion and it crackled as she tried to speak loud enough for me to hear her.

I looked over at her, seeing that she was still staring out the window. "I thought you were right behind me. I didn't even think about the age thing, I just wanted us to do something fun. The music is always really good there, and I never thought about you getting carded." I paused, waiting for her to say something, but she didn't. "I saw my friend Matt and I hadn't seen him in a while, I just got caught up for a moment. I really thought you were right there, Bella. I never meant to leave you alone, not for one second."

She nodded, sniffling a little. "How long until you realized I wasn't there?"

"Like thirty seconds, maybe. I said a couple of things to Matt and then I reached back to get you and that's when Shelly showed up. I pushed her away and turned around, but you were gone. Why did you take off on me? I had no idea where you were; I thought you were in the bathroom. I waited for you for like fifteen minutes." Frustration began to show through my words, and I instantly regretted it, even though I felt like I had a right to be upset, too. I had been tried and convicted without even being able to present my case to Bella. Why couldn't she be as understanding as I had been to her only a few nights before?

She turned to me, anger in her eyes. "Why would you think I was in the bathroom? Did you think I would just leave you like that? Without even saying anything?"

"My friends told me they'd seen you go that way. I thought that's where you were." Her fury was growing; I could see it plain as day on her face and in her eyes.

"Let me guess, your blonde slut friend, is she the one that told you where I was?" The pain in her words hit me like a sledge hammer. Of course that's how she would see the girls I associated with. The sad thing was that she was right. I had spent years with girls like that and never cared, probably because I liked what they were. It filled a need and I preferred someone easy that wouldn't ask anything extra of me, to someone nice that would want a commitment. I realized as she spoke that it was Shelly that told me.

"Yeah, it was her."

"Did you notice that I was standing right behind you when she made the comment about how many times she'd been with you? How you never had girlfriends, only one night stands? Did you see that she was staring right at me? Your bouncer friend walked me in so that I could find you, and lucky me, I got to hear all about your activities and then see her tongue shoved down your throat." Her tone was clearly upset, but I could sense something more in it—she sounded hurt by what she'd seen.

"I noticed her looking over my shoulder, but I was so furious with her that I didn't pay attention to where she was looking. I just wanted to get her away from me." I was growing more frustrated by the minute and knew that if this conversation was really going to happen, I was going to have to pull over somewhere. I couldn't spill my guts to this girl and still manage to keep my car on the road.

"How could you be so blind to not see that she was setting me up, Edward?" Bella mumbled quietly.

A few minutes later, I finally saw my chance—an old logging road that led to a large meadow with old buildings. While in high school I had been there many times for parties with my friends, but I hadn't been there since meeting Bella. I didn't even know if it all the old wood mill buildings still stood, but I didn't need all of that. I just needed the quiet, so I pulled off the main highway.

As I turned onto the gravel road, Bella looked to me, a puzzled look in her eyes, though her voice sounded nervous as she spoke. "What are you doing? I thought you were taking me home."

I met her frightened stare, "I am, but first we're gonna talk about some things, because like it or not, we have to work this out. We have a son to think about, and I'm not letting you just walk out of my life again. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep you with me, no matter what. I've been hiding this for the last few weeks, afraid to tell you because I thought you would hate me, but you hate me anyways, so what do I have to lose now, you know?"

She nodded and dropped her gaze to my phone which still lay in between us. "Should I call my dad? Is this gonna be a while?"

I huffed in annoyance at her trying so hard to be rid of me. "No, don't call him. You can just tell him tomorrow that you stayed at my house with E.C. He's working tonight anyway, no reason to bother him." I stared silently into the dark forest that lay ahead of us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella's bottom lip shaking. Looking to her I asked, "What? What's wrong?"

Her voice was a fearful whisper, "Are you going to leave me out here?"

"What? No! Why would you ever think that? I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you. Don't you know that?" As I thought about what I was doing, I realized that keeping the truth from her had, in fact, hurt her. Though not in the way she was now talking about.

"I just thought you might be angry with me... I didn't know." She was quiet as I pulled off on the side of the road, making sure not to go too far into the soft dirt. With all the mud that was usually in the area, the last thing I needed was to get us stuck. I turned off the car and darkness enveloped us. Only the moon and stars that were shining brightly on this rare, clear night offered us any light.

"So, I should probably start at the beginning, get everything out. Please Bella, please promise me that you will hear me out. Please don't leave during the middle of this." My hands grasped the steering wheel, rolling back and forth over it as my knuckles turned white from the strain. "I was afraid to tell you because what I have to say is only going to prove that I'm not worthy of you. You should find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, that can be all the things you need him to be. My life has been one huge mistake after another since you left, Bella. Maybe it always was, I just hid it well, but after you left me, I didn't care anymore. Please promise me, please...don't leave."

Chancing a look over at her, I watched as she squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. "I promise, I won't go. I owe you that much."

Nodding in agreement, I began. "When you left me..." I swallowed roughly, clearing my voice before I tried to continue. "Before I ever met you, I was just a guy, nothing special or important. I did what I thought guys were supposed to do and I didn't care about anything. I let my friends decide most of my actions, and I was good at keeping the bad things a secret. My parents never knew that I partied, skipped school or hung out with girls. I'd never had a girlfriend before you, not a real one anyway. I had girls I dated, but either they didn't want to do what I thought we were supposed to do, or else that's all they wanted...they didn't really want me, they just wanted to add my name to their list of conquests.."

I remembered back over my days before Bella came into my life. There hadn't been a lot of girls before her, but there were definitely quite a few. Bella knew about some of them and while it bothered her, it seemed as though she had come to terms with it. I wasn't an angel before her, and I certainly hadn't been one since her, but she was all I'd ever really wanted. I had to find a way to convince her that she was the only girl that ever mattered to me.

"When I met you, everything changed. My friends would tease me about being tied down or whipped, but I didn't care. All I wanted was you, and I didn't want it to be like it always had been before. I didn't want to treat you the way I'd treated those other girls. You were different… special… and I made it my goal in life to make sure you knew that. That's why I never pushed you for sex, even though you thought it meant I didn't want you. I did want you, but I wanted you forever, not just for a couple of go rounds under the bleachers or something."

Bella sat quietly by, taking slow breaths as she listened to me, hearing the words I was saying.

"Those three months before you left were the best three months of my entire life. I have never been as happy as I was then. I had everything I'd ever wanted, or ever would want, and I was content, at peace. I loved you and I knew that you loved me, too. The way I felt when I was with you is something I can't even begin to put into words. It was everything..." I fought the urge to reach across and take her hand, but was startled when she looked up at me.

"Those were your happiest times up until then, right?" she asked.

"No, they were the happiest times of my entire life, until then and since then. Everything was perfect when I had you." Her brow furrowed a bit and she bit her lower lip, sucking it into her mouth a little. Apparently she hadn't known what she meant to me, how much I truly loved her.

"When you left me, you broke me, Bella. I was completely caught off guard, I had no idea what happened between us. I knew you'd been in a bad mood for a few days, but I never thought it was enough to make you leave me. Looking back, knowing what I know now, it makes sense, but then...I didn't know. I thought I'd done something wrong. I thought I'd hurt you in some way. I thought I just wasn't enough for you." I was never this emotional, but as I choked back a sob, the tears stinging my eyes, I realized this was it. This moment would make or break my chance at happiness. If I didn't show Bella how I really felt, I would never be able to convince her of what she meant to me. I had nothing to hide anymore, I was laying my soul out for her, baring it like I never had before, and entrusting her with all I had to offer.

"You were always enough for me, I'm so sorry I made you think that." Bella reached her hand across the space dividing us and wrapped it around mine. I watched as her thumb rubbed across my knuckles, letting the warmth of her touch envelop me completely. When she slowly removed it, placing her hand back on her lap, I felt the loss immediately and ached for her to touch me again. She whispered softly, "I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"I felt like I died that night; when your dad told me you were gone. Then when I talked to you and you said you didn't want to see me and that I shouldn't try to find you...I didn't understand. I went over and over things in my mind, trying to figure out what I did or didn't do, where I went wrong, but there was nothing. I tried talking to Alice but she just clammed up, she wouldn't say anything. She'd either yell at me or cry, and I was so hurt and just frustrated that I finally quit asking." Recalling those days was hard, painful, and I wished that somehow I could have them wiped from my memory, but I knew that could never happen.

"I completely withdrew from everyone and everything. My parents sent me to some shrink, thinking I just needed to talk to someone. My dad kept bringing home these pamphlets on suicide and depression, I couldn't understand why. I really scared them; they thought they'd lost me. I just sat at home all summer, not seeing my friends or getting ready for school and football. I hardly ate anything and when my dad dragged me to my first team meeting in July, my coach didn't even recognize me."

I was embarrassed of the way I had let myself go in Bella's absence. I simply didn't care about anything anymore, including myself. I especially didn't care about football or school, and I had no intention of going until my dad and Emmett sat me down one night and told me I had two choices-football or a mental hospital. I chose football, though my heart wasn't in it.

"I showed up for my first day of practice and literally got the crap beat out of me. Lying in my bed that night, feeling all the aches and pains, it actually felt good. I was finally able to feel something, and I was almost happy about it. I went to practice the rest of the week and didn't even put up a fight. Every inch of my body was black and blue by the weekend, and I loved it." Looking up at Bella, I saw the tears welled up in her eyes.

"Edward, why? Why would you feel that way? You were hurting yourself, why would you do that?" she said, unable to understand the depths of my heartbreak.

"I did it because it made me feel alive, and I needed to feel again, Bella. I was numb after you. I felt nothing. No joy, sorrow, anger, guilt, nothing. At least when a three hundred pound defensive tackle was pinning me to the ground, my body felt pain. That was the first thing in months, and I couldn't let it go."

She shook her head in disbelief and once again I was embarrassed about my actions. I had a lot more to tell her, and I knew if I didn't keep going I would never get through it all.

"My coach was worried about me. The first game, I showed up and sat on the bench. I was third string, a freshman, so I never expected to see any playing time. I wasn't working out, lifting weights, running—I just didn't care. My third game of the season was a wakeup call. The starting QB got hurt and they put the number two in, but he sucked. He kept throwing interceptions and making a fool of himself. The coach yelled for me and I went in. I spent the whole second half on my back underneath their tackles, but I never turned over the ball. After that, the coach put me on a mandatory workout routine and gave me a babysitter."

Going into college, I was aware of that fact that I would most likely not play much my first couple of years, but before I knew it, I was playing regularly and then was the starting quarterback my Sophomore year. I loved the thrill of being on the field and the attention my position created for me.

"I had this guy, James, and he was huge. He was a senior and an offensive lineman. Coach told him he was pretty much responsible for me. It scared me at first, how serious he was about it, but I just did what he said and it was fine. He was kind of a weird guy, but after a game one night he took me to a party and told me to sit in the corner and drink, so I did. I got so completely wasted that night, I didn't care about anything, and it felt good. That combined with the physical pain I was dealing with gave me a new way to hide from you and your memory.

"Every time I turned around there was something that reminded me of you. I'd see girls with long brown hair walking away from me and I rush to them, hoping it was you, but it never was. I'd hear someone laugh and I'd search the crowd because it sounded just like you. I'd see cherry slushies and remember how you always ordered one when we went to the movies. I'd see those stupid crime solving shows on television and remember the way you always conned me into watching them with you. Everything around me reminded me of what I didn't have anymore, and it was slowly driving me insane. I needed something to take the pain away, something that could make me feel better, even if just for a little while."

Bella sighed, obviously not happy about the things that she was hearing, but I knew it was only going to get worse. She needed to understand the frame of mind I was in when I started fooling around with other women. I needed her to know that it wasn't really me doing that, it wasn't the Edward she had known who was doing these things. It was the shell of my former self, that she discarded away, that was in control and living life so recklessly and stupidly.

"The next week James took me to another party and told me to sit in the corner, only this time there was someone already there. Some girl, I don't know who she was, but she kept bringing me beers. She laughed a lot and she was nice to me. It felt good to have someone want me like that again." My brow furrowed as I remembered the feelings that girl had caused in me, the emotions her actions stirred up inside of me. "She made me feel wanted, Bella, and I hadn't felt like that in a really long time. So when she asked me to leave with her, I did. She said James was okay with it, he was busy with her friend anyway. When she kissed me, it felt wrong, but at least someone wanted to kiss me. My body craved the attention, the touching, and I didn't care that it was wrong and that I didn't know her name, I just wanted to feel something."

I looked up at Bella, tears beginning to slide down her soft pink cheeks again. I hated doing this to her, but I couldn't hide it anymore. I didn't want to hide it. I wanted this all out in the open so that we could deal with it and move on, if that was even possible, but I needed to know if this was what she wanted. "Do you want me to stop?" I asked, honestly not knowing what her response would be.

"No, just tell me," she said in a small, tired voice. She had always liked to just get through painful things as quickly as possible, so I didn't hold back.

"I had sex with her in the bathroom of her apartment. She wanted to watch in the mirror while we did it, so she probably did. I wouldn't know, I had my eyes closed the whole time, imagining it was you. It wasn't exactly the same, but if I thought hard enough, I could almost see you, smell you even. All I wanted was you, and you weren't there. I'm so sorry, Bella, but I wanted you." I felt a sob break from my chest, and I gasped for breath as I let the hot, wet tears fall from my eyes.

"I walked home from her apartment afterward and when I got to my room, I dropped onto my bed and cried myself to sleep. I swear I heard your voice during the night, but you weren't there. The next morning I threw up, not because of the beer, but because of what I'd done. The following week when I was at the next party, it was easier. There was another girl and she made me feel wanted, feel desired. It was the same as the first girl, if I closed my eyes enough and thought about you, it was almost like you were there. After I did it a few times, I realized if I was drunk enough, it didn't matter. If I had alcohol in my system, and a girl paid attention to me, I'd be fine."

I remembered the way the guys on the team had cheered me on upon hearing about my exploits, thinking I was finally getting out of my funk because I was screwing a different girl every weekend. If only they had cared enough to see that I was just falling deeper, I wasn't getting any better. I was becoming more numb with each new girl, each new apartment I went to. My longing for Bella simply grew, it never faded away.

"The only time I ever couldn't get my little routine to work was one night in November, we'd won a game and were advancing into a bowl game qualifying round. I drank so much that night, but something was just off, I couldn't figure it out. Some girl took me home, but her roommate was there. Jasper was at my place, so we went back to my car. Even just sitting in it with her, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't have her in my car—our car—I told her to leave and I spent the rest of the night curled up in the backseat, thinking about our first time there. The night always stuck with me, I don't know why. I figured it had to be that she had brown hair like you because, I mean, what's so special about the middle of November?" I had always been confused as to why I felt so off kilter that night, but I never knew.

Bella looked at me strangely, her wide brown eyes showing confusion. "A Saturday night in the middle of November?" she asked.

"Yeah," I answered, wondering why she would be concerned about a random night in the past.

"E.C. was born on a Saturday night in November." She was quiet, both of us silently acknowledging the strange pull I must have had to her that day. If only I'd known then, I could have fixed everything.

"I didn't know that." There was a lot about Bella and E.C.'s past that I didn't know, but I prayed that maybe one day I would find out. I couldn't let all of the questions that were entering my mind sidetrack me, I had to tell her everything else that I'd been hiding before I lost my nerve. Deciding it was best to skip over some of the gory details, I jumped ahead a little.

"By my junior year I had things pretty much down to a routine. Weekends were for playing ball, getting drunk, and finding someone to lose myself in. All I wanted was to feel like someone needed me, you know? I felt that way when I was with you, and I thought if I could just have that back, then maybe I could find a way to make it through each day. It didn't seem to work that way. Those girls were nothing like you, Bella. I think that's why I was able to do it. You called Shelly a slut, and you're right. She is one. Every girl I was with was a slut. That sounds horrible to say, but it's true." I stared at the steering wheel, coming to terms with the choices I had made, trying to figure out why I had made them.

"I looked for girls that just wanted one thing from me. I couldn't give my heart to anyone because I didn't have it to give. It was with you, it belonged to you. All I had left was the body that you didn't want, so I gave them that instead. I didn't have girlfriends, I didn't date and I didn't have relationships of any kind with girls. I had sex with them, and that was it. There was no happiness, no joy, no passion, no completeness; it was lust and a momentary feeling of acceptance. That's all it ever was. It couldn't be more than that, because I couldn't be more than that. I'm so sorry, Bella. Not one of those girls ever held a candle to you."

Feelings of regret were consuming me as Bella sat silently by, burning in her own private hell that I had caused and then sentenced her to. "Did you care about any of them at all?" she softly asked, her voice thick with emotions, though I couldn't decide which one was most prevalent.

"No, not one of them. Um, I was friends with a couple of girls, but they never wanted more than that, which is why the friendships worked. They knew the deal—we met up, hung out, screwed around, and went home. No biggie." She flinched at my apparent lack of emotion for these girls, before asking another question.

"Did it help you? Being with all of them? Did you feel better afterwards?" I couldn't lie to her, though I got the feeling she would have been happier if I had said yes.

"No, I didn't feel better, because I didn't have you."

"Edward..." Her voice was quiet, concerned. I could hear disappointment in it, laced with something else, shame maybe? Guilt, or even disgust? I wasn't sure.

I turned to face her, reaching over and grabbing her hand in mine. "I love you, Bella. I have never loved anyone else, ever. You are it for me. I told you that I don't see other girls, and it's true. I don't see them. I have never looked at another girl the way I look at you. I have never talked to another girl the way I talk to you. I have never given myself to another girl the way that I have given myself to you. And I have never wanted another girl the way I want you. There is no other option, Bella. It's you..."

Tears streamed down her face as she slowly nodded in acceptance of my words. "Me too, but I just don't think I can get past this. I mean, I know I did this to you; I made you do this, Edward. It's my fault. I don't have any right to be angry with you because I left you, I wanted you to move on and be happy, and so I can't complain that you tried to do that. I'm just so sorry for what I've done. I thought I made the right choice. I thought I did what was best for you, but I'm so confused now, I don't know anymore." Her shoulders shook as her eyelids slid closed and her wet, heavy lashes lay across her cheeks.

Lifting my free hand, I gently grazed my fingers over her cheekbone, cupping her face and letting her fall into my grasp. Her sobs came more forcefully as our contact with one another increased.

"This is all my fault," she whispered as she cried. I could see so much sadness in her, pure sorrow and anguish radiating from her every pore.

"Baby, it's not your fault. You were hurting just as much as I was, yet you didn't do anything like this. I was stupid, Bella, and I gave up. I let myself be fooled into thinking I could go on without you, and I was so wrong. There is no life for me without you in it. Please, please can you find a way to forgive me? I love you so much, and I'm so sorry for what I've done, but I can promise you right here and right now that I will never, as long as I live, feel for anyone else what I feel for you." She raised her hand and cupped it over my hand, tangling her fingers with mine, and splaying them out across her neck. The feel of her skin against mine was so comforting to me. I knew that somehow we would work through things, we had to.

"Edward, every place that I've been with you this past week, we've seen some girl that you knew. Did you sleep with all of them?" she asked. My new ideals had me aching to tell her the truth, so I did.

"No, I didn't sleep with them. The only girl I've ever 'slept' with is you. I screwed them, and contrary to popular belief, there is a difference. You don't sleep with someone you don't care about, at least I don't."

She let out a quick laugh. "What are you talking about? It's the same thing."

Looking into her eyes that were now wide open and staring at me, I plead my case. "No, it's not."

"Sex is sex, Edward. It just is."

"Bella, sex may be sex, but sleeping with someone, making love to someone is so much more than just sex. Yeah, it's the act of sex itself, but then you add the emotions and desires, the tender touches and caresses, and it becomes so much more than just intercourse. When you have sex with someone, you give them your body, but that's it. You do it for physical pleasure and nothing more. However, when you make love to someone, you're giving your whole self to them. Everything about you is involved in it. I've never even come close to doing that with anyone other than you. Please believe me, those other girls were nothing like you were." I wanted her to believe that she would never have to worry about anyone else drawing my attention away from her, that she would always be the single most important thing in my mind and I would never desire anything more than what she had to offer me.

She looked down at our hands that were still clasped together on her lap. "So when you saw Shelly tonight, what did you think? And that waitress, Wendy was it? What did you feel when you saw her? Because I'm pretty sure that if I was in the same room with a man I'd had sex with, I'd feel something, whether it be desire or lust or love, I'd feel something for him, so please don't tell me that you felt nothing for those girls."

Nodding slowly, I told her what she wanted to know. "You're right, I did feel something. I felt sorrow, anger, guilt, and I felt embarrassment. There was not one good feeling associated with any of those girls, and there never will be. What I did with them, it was based on need, loss, and yearning. I needed something, and they offered it to me. I felt loss when I was with them, because try as hard as I might to pretend, they could never be you. I felt a longing, a desire to be wanted by someone, anyone. I just needed to be appreciated and to have someone's full attention. I wanted all of those things that you had given me, but even in the heat of the moment, when I knew I had them, it wasn't enough because I remembered how those things felt when you gave them to me, and I wanted to feel that way again."

We watched each other for a few moments, both unsure of whether or not to believe what we'd been told. When she finally spoke out, my heart lurched in my chest.

"I understand what you're saying, I really do, but I can't forgive this Edward." Her head fell forward, breaking our gaze. As my breathing sped up, I began to shake. She was going to end things. I was never going to have her the way I wanted her, which was forever, and I didn't know if I would survive her leaving me again. Just as I was about to speak, and beg her to take me back, she continued. "There is nothing for me to forgive. You didn't owe me anything, Edward. You didn't betray me; you didn't do anything to me. I did this. I did this to you, and I did this to us. I can never take it back, and I'm so sorry. I'm the one who should be begging for your forgiveness, not you."

"Bella, no, I lost faith in us, I didn't believe enough. This isn't your fault, it's all mine." My brain scrambled in an effort to know what to say to her, what words of mine could convince her of my regret.

"Edward, if one of those girls asked you today to be with them, would you?" she asked, biting her bottom lip as she stared into my eyes.

"No, never." My words were firm and precise.

"And if one of them asked you a week from now, or a month or year from now, would you?"

"No, I told you, never."

She nodded slowly, "Okay then, I'm not gonna worry. As long as I know that I have your heart, as well as your mind and body, I won't worry about what those other girls had. As long as you can promise me that no one else will ever have the parts of you that I have, then we can work this out. I can't say I'm never going to be jealous, because I will, but I'm gonna try really hard. I just need to know that you love me, no matter what."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. Was she serious? Could she just forgive me so easily? My mind ran in a million different directions, each one ending at the same spot—her and me together. As I sat staring at her, her brow began to furrow, crinkling up the skin across her forehead, her breathing picked up and her eyes watered. I realized I hadn't replied to her demands, I hadn't told her that everything she had said was already true, she was the only one for me.

"Bella, I promise right now that it will only ever be you. No one else will ever come close to you. I'm okay with you being jealous or mad at me sometimes, I can handle that, as long as it's me you're screaming to about it. I can take it, so yell at me, hit me, and punch me. Whatever you need to do, do it. Just promise me that you won't give up on us. Please?"

A small smile began to grow on her lips. "I promise, I won't give up on us."

I let out a deep sigh, refilling my lungs with the air that held our promises of a new life, a forever love, and a quiet acceptance. Bella had forgiven me of the things I'd done, the way I'd lost faith in us, and I knew as I sat looking at her that I would never make her regret that.

Sucking in a quick breath, I softly asked her, "May I kiss you?"

Her eyes sparkled as she looked back at me. "Please..." I didn't leave her waiting. My lips gingerly pressed against hers and I felt her breathe out against my skin. Her lips responded in the way I was once again becoming so familiar with. I was careful, cautious of asking for more than she was willing to give, but when I felt her hands skim along my shirt and around my neck, I knew she wouldn't push me away. I decided to let her take control, only doing what she wanted to do, and as our kiss deepened, she shifted in her seat. I felt her rise up onto her knees and lean closer to me, my right hand still firmly against her cheek and my left hand drifting to her hip. The little moan she made as I squeezed the denim of her jeans in my hand spurred me on, and soon my tongue was licking tenderly at her lips.

We continued on in the same manner for several minutes, neither of us willing to push things too far, but also not able to stop. When she finally broke away from me and scooted back in her seat, we were both panting heavily and staring at the others slightly swollen lips.

"How many?" she asked.

"What?" I said in confusion. I didn't understand what she was asking me.

"How many women? How many were you with?"

My stomach dropped and I debated for two seconds over whether or not to tell her the truth. I decided I couldn't stop now, I had to do it.

"I really don't know. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe a sixty to seventy, or so." Her eyes widened at that, and I continued. "I don't want to lie and say it's fewer than it is, I don't want any more secrets between us. Just know that I was careful every time and I'm clean. I get tested regularly, so you have nothing to worry about. I promise."

She nodded once and turned to sit back in her seat. "So, we have two more nights together before I go home. We have a lot to work out, right?" She looked back at me, her eyes pleading with me for something I was more than happy to give her.

"Yes, we do. Are you willing to see me so we can start on that? I know it won't all just go away, it's gonna take work and a lot of time, but I'll be in Miami with you soon and we'll keep trying, alright?"

"Yeah." She gnawed at the fingernail on her right index finger as she stared down at something. "Edward, if I ask you to do something, will you do it?"

I nodded but then realized that since she wasn't looking at me, she probably couldn't tell what I was doing. "Yes, of course. What is it?"

She reached into the console and picked up my cell phone. "Erase the phone numbers in this. Please." Her eyes welled up with tears as her hand started to shake. "If I know they're in here, I won't be able to sleep. If I know that there's some way you can call them while we're apart...I can't... I can't take it. Please?"

Reaching out my hand, I wrapped it around the phone and her fingers, holding both tightly. "Do you want to do it? So you'll know for sure? You can if you want. Erase everything in that except for your number. It's the only one I want anyway."

Shaking her head she spoke softly, "No, you do it. I don't want to see the names. It's hard enough if it's people I don't know, but if I see someone I do know...I don't think I'll be able to get past that. Please, you do it."

I took the phone from her hands. "Okay." Opening the phone, I pulled up the address book and began deleting contacts. After several minutes, all that was left in the list was Bella's number and the numbers of my family members. I handed it back to Bella. "This is all I need."

Nodding slowly, she started to cry again. "I'm so sorry; I had no right to ask you to do that. I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Bella, if that's what it takes for you to be comfortable then I'll do it! Gladly! I haven't called one of those numbers in months. You can go through my phone bills if you want, not one number, I swear." I would gladly give her anything she wanted to prove how much I loved her, but she just shook her head as she wiped at her eyes.

"Is there anything else you need to tell me?" she asked, her voice broken and worn from our evening. I thought for a brief moment that I should tell her about my going to Miami and that I had seen her on the beach, but in my hesitation, she spoke again. "Let's go, okay? I want to get back to make sure E.C. hasn't run your parents into the ground yet."

I smiled, the thought of my dad chasing him around the house in an effort to get him ready for bed making me laugh. "Sure, let's go."

"Um, were you serious when you said I could stay at your parents' house? Did you mean that? Would your parents be okay with that?" She looked at me, a sense of uncertainty in her eyes.

"Yes, I was serious. I don't think my parents would mind. In fact, I think they like E.C. so much that they'd probably give us the whole upstairs hoping it would lead to more grand kids." I laughed as Bella joined in, a giggle bursting from her chest.

"Well, they don't have to do that, but I would like to see E.C. and maybe stay with you for a while, at least, if that's okay?"

"That's perfect." I smiled at her, taking my phone from her hands and dropping it back into the center console before weaving my fingers into her hers. "Any time with you is always perfect." I lifted her hand to my mouth, my lips pressing gently into the soft skin across her knuckles. She smiled at me and the look in her eyes told me that somehow, someway, we would be okay. I knew it, and as we drove toward my parents' house, I felt it with every fiber of my being.

Glancing back to her as we entered town, I saw the smile on her lips, the contentment on her face, and I was struck with a sudden thought. I remembered the lunch at Charlie's house and the conversation I overheard between Bella and Sue. Bella was hiding something from me, and I had no idea what it was.

o~*~o~*~o~*~o

A/N: So, is everyone angry at Bella now? Mad that she gave in to him so easily? Don't worry, next chapter is gonna be a little tense, though E.C. will be back, little scene stealer. Hopefully he'll be nice and let his momma and daddy get a little citrusy before the crap doth hitteth the fan. :D

How about some rec's? Let's see…

Here's something a little different. I found a new author to adore. Her name is lovelovelove22 and I am in love, love, LOVE with her stories! Here are two in progress ones that sucked me in this week.

Such Difference - Bella Swan isn't a typical student at Forks High School, even though no one knows it yet. She's different, and what will she do when it gets to be too much?
I like this story because it isn't your typical Mommyella and Daddyward story, it's complicated and messy and different. I am really enjoying the slow burn it's got going…it's nice.

http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/s/5964120/1/Such_Difference

Divine Mercy - In the eyes of her community, Bella Cullen is the perfect Catholic wife, mother, and churchgoer. But she knows, that underneath her facade, she is a sinful woman.
Another very real story that is messy and pure. I love it! It's not going to be very long, which I'm sad about, but I am in love with what she's done so far.

http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/s/5850437/1/Divine_Mercy

And one of her complete stories…

Toujours - Edward and Bella thought that they had forever, until a terminal disease came into their life. With only a year left together, how can they find their forever? And what will Bella do when he's gone?
It's short, only 3 chapters, but it sucked me in and really tugged at my heart. It was beautiful and heart breaking and incredible. I loved every word of it.

http:/www().()fanfiction().()net/s/5993510/1/Toujours

She's in my list of favorite authors on here so give it a shot, you'll love what she has. :)

Thanks for reading this, now run over and read the other chapter I've got for the new story. It will make my birthday truly lovely… (guilt trip, you caught that, right?)

I'm on Twitter, and it's fun.
And this has a thread on Twilighted.
Links to both of those are on my profile.

Thanks too for reading my o/s Baby. I can't believe the response it got, I'm in awe and shocked at how wonderfully it was received. If you didn't read it yet, go do it! You'll like it… :)

Oh yeah, and tell me what you thought about this. Don't let the fact that it's my birthday...today...keep you from doing it. :D I'm so bad. :D