Chapter 13

Her head was pounding when she awoke. She could tell, even without opening her eyes, that the sun was too bright where it filtered in through the window. The window seemed different, light shooting in from the left instead of to the right. She was off-kilter.

She stirred, finding warmth, a body at her side. Her eyes fluttered open and she was brought back to reality, back to her bedroom. The bedroom she had shared with Steven and for the briefest moment she thought that if she were to turn just then that she would discover the dark hair of her husband of twenty-two years, might find the man himself laying right there beside her.

But it was the smell of lavender and jasmine that filled her senses, long, dark hair that tickled at her shoulder. Her head turned and she took in the back of Rhoda's head, the curve of Rhoda's body as she laid beside her. She watched, for a moment, the even rise and fall of Rhoda's ribcage.

A smile spread across her lips. Rhoda had returned to her in the night. She hadn't been able to sleep either. The thought made the upset of the previous evening all but disappear. She turned in the bed, turned because she wanted to touch Rhoda, to feel her there with her, as she had been deprived of her the previous night. Rhoda had created a wall, a barrier between them. But now she had come back.

Mary's hand ran from Rhoda's shoulder, gently gliding her finger tips down the length of her side. She could feel Rhoda rouse from sleep.

Mary kissed her exposed shoulder. Rhoda didn't turn to face her, however.

"Rho, are you awake?" Mary whispered, wrapping her arm about Rhoda.

She felt Rhoda nod against her.

"Are you okay?" Mary held tight to Rhoda, as if she might slip away again.

"Mare," Rhoda's tired voice was deflated in the morning light. "I don't want to talk about it."

Mary felt a wave of nausea hit her then. "That…well, okay." Mary curled back into herself. She removed her arm from Rhoda and laid back, arm slung over her pounding forehead.

Rhoda rolled away from her, sat up on the edge of the bed. She felt so far away, though she was right there. She coughed. Mary glanced worriedly towards her.

"I have to tell Meredith." Rhoda reached down for her robe, standing up from the bed. She made no comment about the fact that sometime in the night she'd made her way to Mary, needing Mary. And now she was acting as if she didn't need Mary at all.

"Do you want me to be there?"

"I think I should tell her alone." Rhoda pulled the robe about herself, flipping her hair over the collar.

Mary sat up, suddenly remembering that she had gone to bed nearly in the nude, so that she shyly pulled the sheet over her chest. Though she had seen where Rhoda's eyes had wandered and she hated the distance between them. "Rhoda." Mary spoke firmly, stopping Rhoda on her path to leave the room. "Rhoda, I don't like this one bit. You're not being fair. I thought we said we were going to…to be in this together. I thought…we promised, we promised we would work through things together. We'd stay positive."

"Well, Mare, I'm not feeling so positive at the moment, so excuse me if I don't want to play happy-go-lucky Rhoda." Rhoda turned as if she might leave the room and Mary felt that if she were to step foot outside the door she would somehow lose her forever.

"Rhoda!" Mary called out, stumbling out of the bed, reaching for a shirt to pull on as she staggered and raced after Rhoda, stopping her before she could leave. Stopping her this time.

Mary pinned her there between herself and the door. Rhoda refused to meet her gaze, but Mary could see tears in her eyes.

"Don't run away from me, please." Mary was begging, was fighting because she cared so much for Rhoda, needed her so badly, needed her to let her in.

Rhoda rubbed her forehead with both her hands before leaning her head back against the door. "I don't know what to tell you, Mare. I don't…I don't know." Her voice broke, she looked down to the ground.

"I…I hate being on the outside. I hate that I can't…I wish I could take it all away, make it go away." Mary felt tears in her own eyes.

"I know, Mare. I know." Rhoda nodded, her hands moving absently to Mary's hips. The feel of her touching her, the feel of her there with Mary made Mary's heart pound wildly. "I'm being awful. Totally awful." Rhoda cried.

"No," Mary whispered, stepping into Rhoda's tugging arms, their bodies wrapped up together there against the door. And Mary thought that her heart might break open at the feel of Rhoda pressed there against her, not so far away any more.

"Do you forgive me, Mare?" Rhoda sobbed against her chest.

"Yes, yes, of course. There's nothing to be forgiven." Mary assured her.

"I pushed you away…I, I don't even know why I was so mad with you. It's not your fault I made such terrible decisions." Rhoda whimpered. "You're the…you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I…I'm going to mess it up, Mare. I'm going to mess it all up."

"You're not going to mess it up." Mary stepped back to look into Rhoda's eyes. "Listen to me, you've just been told that you have cancer and so I think you're allowed to have some sort of outburst. But, Rhoda, Rhoda Faye Morgenstern, don't you dare push me away. I love you, Goddamnit, Rhoda. I love you."

Rhoda half-smiled through her tears, pulling Mary towards her, kissing her. And the kiss was like heaven because Mary had missed Rhoda, had missed her so much. She knew, knew deep down that this may happen again, that Rhoda would pull away from her, would not always give in to her. But that was a part of Rhoda, a part that Mary knew and loved despite its hurt. For wasn't loving Rhoda worth it all?

Rhoda was anxious. Mary could tell by how she kept changing clothes. Again and again until she finally settled on what she had been wearing earlier in the day.

"Mare, I don't know how I'm going to tell her…I mean…I don't know if I have the words. I don't know."

Mary laughed a little, as if trying to ease the tension in the room. "Rhoda, Rhoda you're going to be fine. You'll be great. And she'll be glad to hear it now instead of after the fact. Trust me."

"I know, Mare, but I…well, I'm worried. You know, how she'll take it."

"She can handle it, Rhoda. I know she can." Mary clasped her hand in her own, holding it tight. She forced Rhoda to look at her. "Rhoda, you can do this."

Rhoda shuffled a bit, uncertainty clouding her visage.

"Are you sure you don't want me to hang around when you…."

"No, no. I'll do it."

Mary eyed her warily.

"I'll do it. Really, honest I will." Rhoda insisted.

"I'll be right here, though, if you need me. I'll just…make myself scarce."

Rhoda smiled then at her. "Thank you." She moved into Mary's open, willing arms and kissed her, their lips melding together until the buzzer sounded to alert them of Meredith's arrival.

Rhoda jumped away from Mary, her eyes wide, frightened. She raced to the mirror near the door and ran her finger over lips. "Oh, Jesus, Mare. My lipstick is all smeared."

"No, it's not." Mary moved towards her, running a finger beneath her lip but finding nothing out of place. She checked herself in the mirror before nodding for Rhoda to open the door.

"Mere!" Rhoda too enthusiastically cried out, wrapping her arms about her daughter. "Oh, gosh, it's so good to see you."

"Ma, Ma." Meredith had not been prepared for her mother's enthusiastic greeting. Mary smiled awkwardly, apologetically, at her over Rhoda's tight embrace. Meredith rolled her eyes to the ceiling and Mary laughed a little.

"Come in, come in." Rhoda released her, pulling her in and closing the door. The tension that had rested in Rhoda's body all that day seemed to disappear, as if her daughter's presence somehow made it all better, easier.

"Hi Mary." Meredith gave her a brief hug before stepping inside the apartment. "Ma, what is all of this about? Is it about daddy?" Meredith had been told that something was amiss, but she had no clue, no idea. She un-twirled her scarf from about her neck and sat in one of the upright chairs.

"No," Rhoda shook her head, taking a seat on the couch.

"Uh, I'll just…um," Mary realized that she was quite in the way, hanging awkwardly off to the side. "Do you want any tea, or water, Meredith?"

"No, no I'm fine, Mary. Thanks." Meredith smiled at her appreciatively.

"Okay, well…I guess I'll just….be in my room. Doing laundry." Mary awkwardly shifted from foot to foot, not sure what was expected of her.

"Uh, Mare." Rhoda stopped her from leaving with her voice. "Mary, could you…would you stay?" Rhoda held out her hand to Mary. It shook a little there where it waited for Mary.

Mary felt odd, strange to be taking Rhoda's hand in front of her daughter. She had to remind herself that to their daughters they were friends, that was all. And friends held hands, sometimes. Friends were there for support. This was not so strange.

"Ma, what is it?" Meredith looked rather worried.

Rhoda glanced to Mary, as if needing her strength. Mary nodded in assurance, grasping her hand tighter to let her know that it was okay, she was there. She could do this.

"Well, Meredith. There's something I need to tell you." Rhoda turned then to her daughter, rubbing briefly at her forehead, as if procrastinating, searching for the right words to use. Mary realized then that Rhoda had not stated it outload, had not actually come out with it. That she had cancer. What a horrid word it was and Mary wasn't quite sure Rhoda could say it. She could feel Rhoda faltering there at her side, her lips parting as if to speak, but nothing came out.

"Ma," Meredith looked between Rhoda and Mary, a lopsided smile forming on her lips. "Ma, if you're trying to tell me about you and Mary…I already know."

"What?" Rhoda gasped, her voice sounding as if someone had punched her in the stomach.

"Ma," Meredith shook her head. "I'm not a child, I can see what this is. I mean you moved in here, you live together, the way you act together, the way you look at one another, the touching…it's okay. I can handle it. You don't have to get so weird about it. I'm fine with it."

"What?" Rhoda seemed stuck on this word.

Mary could feel her heart pounding in her ears, not sure how she was supposed to react. Should she deny it?

"Ma, come on! I'm happy for you. You look happy, you seem happy with her. She's good for you, Ma!" Meredith, ever the parent of the relationship, assured her mother with great conviction.

"Uh…" Rhoda looked, eyes wide, at Mary, and then turned back to her daughter. "Well, that wasn't exactly what I'd planned on telling you this evening, but…well, Mary and I are very happily together."

Meredith grinned. "I knew it. Rose and I had thought, but we…"

"Wait, Ro-Rose knows?" Mary felt her heart leap into her throat then.

"Well, yeah. I mean we got together for drinks the other night and were talking about it and…well I'm glad you decided to tell me." Meredith looked so genuinely happy and it broke Mary's heart.

She felt tears welling in her eyes. Damn tears. Hadn't she cried enough in the past few days?

Meredith looked from her mother to Mary then back to her mother. "Is there…was that not what you…?"

"Uh, honey, sweetheart. No." Rhoda shook her head. "I have – other news."

"What is it, Ma?" Meredith's brow creased, looking worried then for Rhoda. "Are you okay? Is something wrong? Is Mary okay?" Meredith looked at both of them again.

"Mary's fine…it's me…see, Mere…" Rhoda stumbled over her words. She looked hopelessly at Mary.

Do you really want me…?

Yes. Please.

But it should be you.

I can't.

When had they grown capable of this understanding?

Mary held Rhoda's hand, pulling it onto her lap. Her eyes moved to Meredith. "What your mother is trying to tell you, is that…well, see. You don't have anything to be worried about."

"Worried? What is it?" Meredith was on her feet, coming to her mother, kneeling there before her. "What's wrong?"

A tear slid its way down Rhoda's cheek. She took Meredith's hands in both of her own, bringing them to her lips to kiss them. "Mere, I have cancer. Lung cancer."

"What?" Meredith gasped.

"Meredith, I – well, I just found out yesterday. But they say it's treatable, that it hasn't spread anywhere else. I'm going in for surgery the day after tomorrow. They'll remove it, see? And then it will be gone." Rhoda explained so evenly, so carefully as if she had not grappled with any of it, had not struggled at all. Mary felt pride well in her, placed her arm about Rhoda's back, rubbing reassuring circles against her, holding her close as she cried.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Ma. Ma."

"It's going to be okay, baby. I'm going to be okay." Rhoda whispered, pressing her lips to Meredith's forehead.

Meredith held her then, the three of them dissolving into tears. Suspended in the moment of revelations, realizations.

It was not until Rhoda sat back and wiped at her face that they broke apart, realizing how ridiculous they were all being. "Oh, you know how I hate sentimentality and all this crying and carrying on." Rhoda laughed a little, reaching for tissue to wipe at her eyes.

"Ma, I think this is a time to just accept it." Meredith sighed, looking exhausted, as if the wind were knocked out of her lungs.

Mary wiped at her eyes and stood then. "I think we all need a nice cup of hot chocolate. What'd you say?" The other two agreed readily and as Meredith sat beside her mother on the couch, talking through all that had happened, Mary excused herself to the kitchen. She returned some moments later with a tray of hot chocolate to find the two Rousseaus laughing with one another. The room felt lighter, less emotionally dense.

"Oh, Mere. Meredith," Rhoda ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. "Thank you." She kissed her cheek. "You don't know how relieved I feel."

"Ma, I'm going to take off class on Thursday. I want to be there."

"No, absolutely not. Go to class. You can come afterwards." Rhoda insisted.

"Ma, how will I be able to concentrate when you're…no, I want to be there." Meredith insisted.

Mary settled on the chair opposite the girls, holding her mug between her hands. She watched as mother and daughter interacted, much freer than they had been in some time, since Mary had first met Meredith. Perhaps the crisis had been good for the both of them, perhaps it would bring the healing the two needed.

"I can't believe you thought we didn't know about the two of you."

"Well, kid, I think you two must have caught on before we did." Rhoda sighed.

"Really? It seemed pretty obvious to me. I mean, the way you two carry on about one another." Meredith grinned at Mary.

"We don't…carry on about one another." Mary felt defensive. For how did it seem that everyone else had seen her potential with Rhoda before she, herself, had seen it?

Meredith laughed, "oh, please. But I think it's really good. Ma seems so happy, more stable here. I guess I have you to thank for that." Meredith smiled at Mary.

"I am sitting right here. I am not a child, Mere." Rhoda elbowed her daughter.

"I know, but Ma. I think it's been really good for you. Having her."

Mary caught Rhoda's eyes. They held one another's gaze. "It's been really good for me, too." Mary spoke without looking away.

"You two are disgusting." Meredith downed the rest of her hot chocolate as Rhoda tried to defend her and Mary. "Listen, Ma, I have a huge anatomy exam tomorrow. I have to get home to study. Even though I hate to leave. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes," Rhoda insisted, looking surer of herself than she had in weeks. "Yes, I am going to be okay. Go study. No failing classes because of lil' old me."

Meredith clasped Rhoda's hands in her own, wrapping her arms about her mother then, holding her just as tightly as Rhoda held on to her. Mary smiled at the sweet exchange.

"I'll call you tomorrow, Ma." Meredith insisted as she pulled her coat back on, twirled her scarf back around her neck.

"Okay, hey." Rhoda grabbed her before she could escape, pulling her back into another embrace. "You're a great kid." She pressed her lips to Meredith's cheek and then sent her on her way. The smile on Rhoda's face was radiant, ecstatic as she closed the door and leaned back against it. "She's some kid, isn't she, Mare?"

"She is. I can't believe they knew. They both know." Mary raked her fingers through her hair.

"Oh, Mare. They both seem fine with it. Isn't that something? Must be how the kids are today, just open to anything and everything. Gee Mare, if my Ma had decided to take up with another woman…boy, I'm not sure how I would have reacted."

"I couldn't imagine my mother…oh, Rhoda." Mary looked at her then. "My mother. I haven't said a word to her."

Rhoda's eyes went wide. "No, oh Mare. No. I think we have enough on our plate as it is. I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms. Not yet."

Mary laughed, "no, you're right. You're absolutely right. She can wait for another day."

Rhoda nodded sleepily, slipping into Mary's ready and waiting embrace. The two held one another.

Rhoda was going to come out of this. Rhoda was going to be okay.

Mary knew this, instinctively, in that moment.