Disclaimer – I don't own anything you recognize, so don't sue!

***Notes – I hope you enjoy!

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Luke found himself pacing the length of the kitchen in the farm. He had never been one to pace, but he found the pattern and the regularity of it soothing. Seven steps forward, turn, seven steps forward, turn.

The fact that Kevin had been at the farm, trying to sell some story about being drugged, made Luke's skin crawl as if there were ants under it, scratching and trying to get out. Fighting the shudder that was working its way up his spine, Luke turned sharply on his heel and continued pacing.

Whispers floated from the living room, the words indistinguishable but the subject all-too clear. Almost all of the Snyder's had come out to the farm after the funeral, and were now in a 'meeting' to talk about what had happened by the pond with Kevin. Luke had desperately wanted to sit in with his parents and relatives to understand what was going on, but they had told him he was to "stay outside" before he could even ask to sit in. Being ordered around as if he was just a child frustrated him to the point that he wanted to scream, but he knew that his parents – his mom – needed to feel control over something; even if it was just their son's behavior.

Linking his fingers together at the back of his neck, Luke continued to pace with his head ducked forward, his fingers cutting into the soft skin of his neck just a bit too harshly. Eventually, when the itchy, crawly sensation under his skin died down, Luke placed the palms of his hands on the island counter and leaned forward, letting his head hang as if it weighed too much for him to hold upright.

He felt the tension drain out of him, and suddenly all Luke wanted was to have a long, hard cry. He shut his eyes tightly, but it did nothing to stop the stinging sensation of tears forming behind his eyelids. Dammit Noah, where are you? Luke had felt guilty as hell when he'd called his boyfriend at Java and begged him to come home, but some part of him had acknowledged that Noah wouldn't mind – that Noah would've wanted him to call.

Opening his eyes, Luke stood upright just as a tear rolled down his face, sliding down his cheek before plunking onto the countertop. He stared at the dot of water for a long moment before pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to force the tears back inside him.

Realizing how futile his efforts were, Luke turned to walk towards the bathroom just as the front door to the farm creaked open. Luke froze, knowing that the person had to be Noah. Noah's deep voice confirmed his thoughts a moment later as he called out "Luke?" His name was a question, almost as if Noah was asking permission to walk over to him.

Luke realized that he had no idea if he looked as if he had been crying. He knew that his eyes were probably shiny, and he abruptly felt ashamed for his weakness. I shouldn't be crying – it was only Kevin, for god sakes!

"Luke?" Noah called out again, concern bleeding into the hesitancy of his voice. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Luke replied, with his back to Noah and his voice hoarse from lack of use. Thinking back, Luke realized he hadn't talked to anyone since Noah left the farm almost two hours ago.

"Then why won't you look at me?" Noah's voice was soft, and it reminded Luke of how Holden spoke to the newborn, skittish horses. Luke absentmindedly wondered if his dad had been giving his boyfriend lessons, before realizing how stupid his train of thoughts was. Shaking his head, he rolled his shoulders before turning to face his boyfriend.

Brown eyes locked on blue, and a silence rolled through the room, somehow louder than anything Luke could've said. A torn expression flickered on Noah's face, and his eyes darted from Luke's face to a small brown bag he was holding. Luke knew he should've been curious as to what Noah had, but was too focused on his boyfriend's face to really care.

A split second later, Noah set the bag on the table, shrugging his coat off and lying it on top of the bag, all the while watching Luke. Luke was tugged into Noah's arms before he even realized what was going on; the hug so tight that it was almost painful.

Luke rested his head in the crook of Noah's neck and felt his urge to cry drain out of him. He relaxed, realizing that standing in Noah's embrace felt like coming home. I was scared. The realization caused Luke to snuggle in closer to Noah and breathe in his comforting scent.

Noah pulled back, but left his arms around Luke's waist and Luke's arms around his neck. "How are you doing?" he asked gently.

"I – I'm okay now that you're here." Luke answered, surprised as he realized that he was telling the truth. He was okay, now that Noah was back. "I think that, I think that I was just scared." For some reason, Luke felt that he owed Noah this honesty; his boyfriend had been so loyal to him, so honest throughout everything that Luke wanted to return the favor in every way that he could.

"Scared of Kevin?" Noah asked softly, his voice carrying no judgment.

"Kind of," Luke murmured as he searched for the right words. "It was more like, I was scared that he was here, at the farm. This is my home, Noah. And if that lying murderer could come here… than where can I be safe?"

Some emotion Luke had never seen before lodged itself behind Noah's eyes. Thinking that it was worry, Luke smiled up into his boyfriend's face. "Oh, don't worry about me now, Noah. I got over it; I was just feeling really emotional. But thank you so much for coming home to me. I love you."

Luke closed his eyes and tilted his chin up, and was rewarded with the feeling of Noah's soft lips on his. Sighing, Luke deepened the kiss, enjoying the slow play of tongues, lips and teeth.

Footsteps coming from the living room broke into their bubble, and they broke apart. Having Noah with him made Luke feel happier than he had all day, and he reached down to squeeze his boyfriend's hand before heading over to his mother.

Noah watched his boyfriend, waiting to make sure he was fully occupied before he made his way over to Lucinda, who was surrounded by people – as usual. Noah stood to the side of the group of Snyder's awkwardly, trying to catch Lucinda's attention.

When minutes passed and Lucinda was still talking gravely to those around her, Noah took a deep breath and called out her name. "Lucinda!"

"What, what? Can't you see I'm trying to – oh, Noah!" Lucinda said, stepping around people to give Noah a hug. Noah's stress and guilt melted out of him as Lucinda's strong arms went around him, holding him up in the way that only a grandmother can.

"Umm… can I talk to you for a minute? Privately?" Noah felt incredibly shy as numerous Snyder's turned to stare at him, but Lucinda took no notice.

"Of course you can, darling!" Turning, Lucinda bid her former companions farewell before heading to the kitchen. Noah belatedly realized that she expected him to follow, and found himself chasing after her like a puppy on a leash.

They had barely entered the kitchen when Lucinda whirled around, causing Noah to nearly walk into her. Without batting an eye, she sat down in a chair and asked, "Do you have the sample that we talked about on the phone?"

The cryptic code nearly made Noah laugh, but he sobered as he realized how important it was to keep people from knowing what they were doing. If the Snyder's found out that Kevin believed he was drugged, Noah knew they would rather go after the man himself, or try and find out what was going on by themselves. Although Noah knew that what he was doing wasn't much different, at least he had the police – Dallas – on his side.

"Darling, we don't have all day!" Lucinda's brisk voice shook Noah from his thoughts, and he silently walked over to his jacket, and lifted it up to grab the brown bag. Opening it up to check that the urine sample was still there, Noah nodded to himself before handing the bag to Lucinda.

"Now, what should we be testing this for?" She asked as she walked over to a counter and grabbed a pen and paper.

"Umm… alcohol levels, for one." Noah began, thinking through what Kevin had said. "Test for common drugs… but I think you should focus on hallucinogens."

Lucinda paused in her writing, looking through her glasses at Noah's. "Hallucinogens? Did the police say something about them?"

"No," Noah began, "but I remember doing a project back in tenth grade. We had to research all these different types of drugs, and the way Kevin said he felt reminded me of the effects of hallucinogens." Feeling Lucinda's sharp gaze on him, Noah felt himself blushing. "Then again, I could be totally off, so-"

"Noah, Noah, Noah. When are you going to learn? I trust your instincts, so I'll tell the lab to check for hallucinogens, too." Noah ducked his head at the praise, watching Lucinda through his eyelashes.

The sound of folding paper echoed through the room, and Noah watched as Lucinda placed the square of paper in the bag. "Wait!" Noah yelled, louder than he needed too. Lucinda looked up, raising an eyebrow, and Noah hurried over to his jacket to keep his reddening face away from her. How many times can this one woman make me blush?

Reaching into his pocket, Noah grabbed the card that Dallas and set it on the table. Reaching into the bag, Noah grabbed the paper and pulled it out, unfolding it. He scrawled down Dallas's cell before refolding the paper and setting it back in the bag, shivering as his fingers brushed against the urine sample.

"I just wrote Dallas Griffin's number down, so you'll have it." Noah explained. He passed the bag to Lucinda, and watched as she stuffed it into her rather large purse.

"Noah?" Noah's head snapped backwards as he heard Luke's voice call out his name. His boyfriend was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, confusion entering his brown eyes as he saw his boyfriend and grandmother standing side-by-side.

"Noah?" Luke repeated, "what's going on? What did you just give grandmother?"

Noah felt his throat freeze up, and waited for a lie to spring to his tongue. Nothing came. He was about to confess everything when Lucinda's strong voice cut into his thoughts.

"Noah picked up some stuff for me on his way back to the farm, darling boy that he is." Lucinda smiled and patted Noah's cheek. Noah, on the other hand, stood still, pasting a smile onto his face and hoping that it was fooling Luke.

"You didn't mention stopping anywhere when I called you at Java." Luke stated, the lack of accusation in his tone shocking Noah. Instead, there was just confusion. Noah knew that the Luke of a few months ago would've been flipping out at the inconsistency of the story, but this Luke was taking everything calmly. Noah knew that Luke wasn't overreacting because of his trust in Noah, and that knowledge caused his stomach to knot in guilt.

"Umm… Lucinda called after you did, and I didn't want to bother you again." Noah's voice sounded tinny to his own ears, weighed down by his lie, and he swallowed heavily.

"Oh, okay." Luke nodded, walking over to Noah and grabbing his hand. "Do you want to come out to the barn with me?"

The question was unexpected, and Noah stuttered. "The- the barn? What for?"

"Just because." Luke smiled, tugging on Noah's hand and leading him to the door. Just before he was about to leave the house, Luke turned around, dropped Noah's hand and jogged over to Lucinda. "Bye, grandmother." He said teasingly, kissing Lucinda's cheek before grabbing Noah's hand again and leading him out of the house.

Luke glanced over at Noah, who was staring at a riding saddle as if it would answer all of life's questions. What's up with him? Ever since Noah had come back from Java, he'd been… different. The word Luke wanted to use was distant, but that didn't seem right, somehow.

Pushing his thoughts aside, Luke slipped his hands around his boyfriends waist, nuzzling his face into his back. "Noah," he murmured, letting his lips trace hard muscle through the thin material of Noah's t-shirt, "are you okay?"

Luke felt Noah's back stiffen briefly before relaxing. "Of course I'm okay." Noah replied, turning his head to drop a kiss into Luke's hair. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Luke thought that his boyfriend sounded defensive, but decided to let it slide. "I don't know, baby, just asking." Luke dropped a kiss on Noah's neck before turning him around. "Noah, Noah hey. I need to tell you something."

Seeing the apprehensive bordering on fearful look in Noah's eyes, Luke cupped his hands around his boyfriend's face. "Nothing bad, nothing bad I promise!" Luke smacked a kiss on Noah's lips before continuing. "Noah… I know I've been kind of preoccupied lately, with everything that's been going on. But I want you to know that if there's something you want to talk to me about, I'm here for you."

Seeing Noah open his mouth to protest, Luke rested a finger against his boyfriend's perfect lips. "Seriously, Noah, you can tell me anything. I want to be here for you the way that you've been here for me."

Once again, a foreign emotion seemed caught in Noah's eyes. Luke frowned to see it, but let it be – Noah will talk to me if something's going on.

"Luke, do you want to get out of here?" Noah asked, turning in Luke's arms and heading toward the barn doors.

"Where to?" Luke asked, "Old Town?"

"Sure, why not?" Noah responded, his back still to Luke. "Let's get an ice cream or something, I don't know. I think you need to get out of here as much as I do."

"An ice cream?" Luke repeated, surprised. The frivolity of getting ice cream seemed unheard of after everything that had happened, but some part of Luke loved the idea; something normal, something that didn't involve cops and detectives and ex-friends turned murderers – just him and Noah.

"…only if you want to." Luke only caught the last bit of Noah's ramble, and noticed that his boyfriend was walking towards him.

"Sounds like a plan," Luke smiled at his lover, feeling more lighthearted than he had in days, "but should I bring Faith and Natalie?"

"I saw them with your cousins on my way out, and they seemed to be okay," Noah replied. "I mean, you can bring them if you want, but maybe you should let them hang out with other people? Maybe your cousins can take their minds off of everything."

"Noah, we just got back from a funeral. I don't think that my cousins can make them feel any better." Luke noticed how his voice still caught on the word funeral, and hated it.

"Let them try to help, Luke." Noah soothed, "and let me try to help you. Please?"

"Okay." Luke murmured, grabbing Noah's hand and leading him to his truck.

.

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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

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"…and her kids - who must've been like four and six - were wearing white dresses for some fancy ceremony; I think she mentioned that it was her sister's wedding or something. So I guess she went to the bathroom, but when she came back, her kids had painted these huge smiley faces on the fronts of their dresses with chocolate sauce from the latte that she had left on the table. I thought she was going to start crying!"

Luke was doubled over in laughter, tears streaming from his eyes. They had finished their ice creams, and Noah was recounting stories of some of his more memorable customers at Java.

"Luke? I didn't think the story was that funny!" Noah teased, reaching out to wipe one of the tears off of Luke's cheek.

"It's not, it's not! It's just, I remember when Ethan used to do the same thing, but with markers!" Luke laughed, and then stopped as he realized what he'd said. His smile slowly faded from his face as he stared off into the distance

Noah tentatively wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him in close. They were sitting together on a bench in Old Town, and Noah ignored the awkward strain that the position put on his muscles. "Luke, it's okay to remember Ethan." Noah began slowly, not quite sure how to deal with the situation.

"I know it is, it's just that I'm here laughing, and he's never going to laugh again. Isn't it too soon for me to be laughing?" Luke asked, not really expecting an answer.

Noah knew that the question was rhetorical, but he wanted to give Luke some semblance of an answer. "Just do what feels right, Luke. No one's judging you." Noah felt Luke's arms wrap around his waist, and Luke leaned on him, reminding Noah of a similar cuddle when he had come back after a school trip to Rome.

Noah had no idea how long they sat there; it felt like minutes but it could've been hours. Luke's breathing was so even that Noah began to wonder if he was asleep, and he was about to nudge his boyfriend when a shadow fell over the two of them.

Noah looked up to see Tony standing awkwardly in front of them, his hands in his jean pockets. Noah tried to hide his surprise at Tony's appearance, but had a feeling that he failed. He hadn't seen the man in months; he hadn't been coming to GLBT meetings, and had practically disappeared from the college campus.

A long moment passed, and Tony continued to stare at them. "Tony?" Noah asked, hoping to inspire the other man to say something. He had heard rumors that Tony had gone a little off his rocker after Reg had died; the combined guilt of leaving Reg and introducing him to the drugs that had killed him must've been too much for the brunette to take. Noah hadn't put any stock in the gossip, but he was beginning to wonder if it was true.

"Noah." Tony replied, running a hand through his hair. Luke, who had been roused from his nap by the soft words, sat upright but left his arm wrapped around Noah. Blearily, he rubbed his eyes with a free hand before looking up at Tony.

"Hey Tony, how're you doing?" Luke asked, keeping his eyes on the man in front of him. Tony seemed preoccupied by Luke, and that gave Noah a chance to give Tony a once over. He noticed how sickly the man looked; his clothes practically hung off of him, there were deep circles under his eyes, and his hair looked both greasy and bedraggled. He looked nothing like the man that Noah had gone to the Cyndi Lauper concert with.

"Tony?" Luke asked again. Tony kept his gaze on Luke as he murmured some response. Noah felt his boyfriend curl in tighter against him, obviously creeped out, and Noah tightened his grip as a response.

"Well, Noah, we should probably get going!" Luke said, false cheer in his voice. "It was nice seeing you again Tony; I'll talk to you later, alright?"

Luke moved to sit up, and suddenly Tony was crouched down, right in front of him. Luke recoiled, but Tony didn't seem to notice.

"Luke, I… I ne- needed to tell you that, that I'm sorry about Ethan." Tony stuttered, the remnants of alcohol on his breath. Noah figured that Tony must've been hung over.

"Oh, I appreciate it." Luke said, not moving away from Tony even though the man was in his personal space. "But Noah and I need to get going, so I'll see you around?"

"I mean it, Luke." Tony whispered, completely ignoring Luke's previous statement. His stutter was gone as he continued, "I'm sorry about everything. I wish I could change it. "

Luke mumbled something back, edging away from Tony just as Noah felt his phone vibrate in pocket. The ringer had been turned off for the funeral, and as the vibrations continued, Noah realized that he was probably being called. Not wanting to answer his phone with Tony and Luke around, Noah let it go to voicemail.

Looking up, Noah realized that Luke was standing while he was still on the bench. Jumping upright, Noah gave a half-smile to Tony before grabbing Luke's hand and walking away.

By some unspoken agreement, the boys headed to Noah's truck. Once inside, Noah watched as Luke leaned into his seat and let his breath out in one slow exhale.

"That was weird, hey?" Noah asked, hoping the odd confrontation hadn't been too much for his boyfriend.

"Yeah, yeah, but Noah, did you look at him?" Luke asked, fidgeting. "He looks like crap; has he been like that since Reg died? What happened to him?"

"Survivor's guilt?" Noah guessed, wincing as he realized how close to home the words were. Luke and Tony had more in common than Noah had initially realized; they both lost someone they loved, and they both blamed themselves - even when it wasn't their fault.

"Noah, does that mean I'm going to end up like that?" Luke whispered, shifting in his seat. "Am I going to do anything to numb the pain; do anything to forget?"

"No, you won't end up like that Luke, because," Noah grabbed the back of Luke's neck and pulled him forward for a deep kiss, "because I'll be here for you."

"Okay." Luke said simply, watching Noah as he started the truck and headed back to the farm.

Noah kept his expression calm, refusing to let the thoughts whispering in his mind from bothering him. You're lying, you're lying, he's going to find out. Only now, he had Luke's words repeating in his mind, almost like a chant – do anything to numb the pain…

The words struck a chord in Noah, and it reminded him of Luke's odd behavior – the fingernails constantly raking his skin. Is that what he's doing? Numbing the pain? The concept didn't make sense to Noah, but the words fit Luke's behavior.

Vowing to research Luke's behavior when he got home, Noah let himself focus on the road, and feel the heat of Luke's fingers as they stroked his hand.

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