Sebastian was to begin secondary school after the summer holidays. Dawn was thrilled for him, Verity skeptical, and Jim left feeling really rather betrayed.
He'd anticipated Seb's good marks of course, he wasn't stupid, but as the time of his best friend moving on without him drew nearer, Jim couldn't help but feel a spike of jealousy in the pit of his stomach, a desperate churn of 'don't leave me' that nobody could hear.
As a result, in what should have been one of the happiest and most triumphant summers of his life, Sebastian had to deal with a sulky, spiteful Jim, suddenly surging from one extreme to the other. One minute he'd be adoring, the next furious, the next he'd ignore Sebastian entirely.
Jim, who now had no reason to maintain the façade of merely 'clever', allowed himself to shoot right up to genius level in everyone's eyes and almost instantly won a scholarship at the most prestigious school in the area. His own 'triumph' was not celebrated. For one, Verity disliked Jim, and then there was the fact that on the day of the news Jim had declared that anyone who so much as mentioned it again would have their hands chopped off. He'd been given a stern talking to by Verity, who believed that Sebastian's influence was making the little boy more violent in his thoughts and words.
Sebastian didn't think he had ever felt worse than on those days when Jim wouldn't speak to him. At nights, Jim still cuddled up to him in bed, but there was no talking and Sebastian ended up feeling like an object, only there to keep Jim warm but not worthy of any attention. Like the hot water bottle Dawn had bought them in the winter.
One night, Sebastian had woken up with a sharp grunt, cheek stinging. But Jim had his eyes closed beside him and the blonde had told himself he'd dreamed the pain up. It disturbed him because it reminded him of when he was little. He could take a lot of pain if it was in a face to face scenario, a noble one. If he could anticipate getting hurt it was no problem to him. He even wore the bruises he won in fights proudly. Most of the time those fights were in defense of Jim or his name. Sebastian liked to think of himself as a knight, protecting his king.
In reality, Jim had been awake for hours, just staring at Sebastian's troubled, sleeping face. His large eyes were round in the darkness as they flickered all over Sebastian's features. He wanted to reach out and touch him, to run the tip of his finger along Sebastian's nose, and then over Sebastian's slightly parted chapped lips, trailing right down over his chin and then his neck which was a bit bumpy in the middle. Sebastian's jaw was getting more noticeable now. It made him look very heroic, Jim thought. His own face was all soft and smooth, but Seb's was starting to get very distinct. That only made Jim feel more angry, even though he knew deep down that it wasn't Sebastian's fault. His best friend could not stop himself from growing up even if he wanted to.
After a while, Jim couldn't contain his rage any longer. He glared at Sebastian's handsome face, raised his hand, and then brought it down as hard as he could on the blonde's cheek, making a satisfying sharp noise and even stinging his own palm. As soon as he'd done so he placed his hand back on Sebastian's chest and closed his eyes, expertly feigning sleep. His friend was none the wiser. Sebastian stirred for a bit, but fell asleep again quickly enough. When Jim tentatively cracked open one of his brown eyes again, Seb's expression had changed. He was frowning in sleep and his lips were tightly pressed together. There was a beautiful red patch on Sebastian's cheek. Good, Jim thought. Served Seb right.
At breakfast time, Jim still waited for Sebastian to cut the crusts off his toast for him (something Verity tutted at) before scooting down the table to go and sit beside Chloe. Jim didn't like Chloe very much, but she was a natural born troublemaker and it was entertaining to listen to her insulting people. Whenever he looked up at Sebastian, his friend's head was bowed as he ate silently.
Dawn asked Sebastian if the boys had had a little tiff, but Seb shook his head loyally. He didn't want Dawn to think badly of Jim. He didn't want anyone to think badly of him.
But far, far more worrying than being ignored, was when Jim decided to go on hunger strike. He refused to eat for two days and only ended his strike when Verity told him that if he didn't eat something soon, she'd take him to the hospital and they'd feed him through a drip. Jim despised hospitals. They smelled funny and the people there were disgusting. Plus he wouldn't be able to stay with Sebastian. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to sleep on his own in a hospital bed.
Throughout his protest, Sebastian had pleaded with Jim to eat something. On the second afternoon, feeling desperate, Sebastian even offered to punch Bradley in the face if Jim had some dinner. The offer was tempting, but Jim was extremely stubborn. He wasn't going to let Sebastian get away with things that easily.
Not eating felt nice at times, Jim thought. It made him feel weak and strange, leaving his head light and untroubled by his usual buzzing thoughts. His limbs felt too heavy, his arms swinging by his sides, and he wanted to sleep a lot. He felt as though he were in a dream and nobody could touch him. But it wasn't so nice when his stomach began to hurt and rumble. He got aches and pains and a headache, and his hands shook when he tried to write. The worst part was when he wanted Sebastian to hold him and make him feel better, but he couldn't because he was refusing to talk to the blonde. It was a point of pride.
Jim's stubbornness had trapped the pair of them in an difficult situation. No matter what Sebastian did or said, Jim would not relent. As far as he was concerned, Sebastian going to grammar school wasn't something to be celebrated. He believed Seb deserved to be punished for leaving him. And what better way to punish him than hurting himself?
All Jim's life he had tried to hurt himself to make people pay attention to him. Back in Dublin, he'd tried to hang himself in the bathroom with his Daddy's tie, but it didn't work and nobody even noticed what had happened. He'd once tried to drown himself because he wanted his Mummy to look after him instead of his father and the baby. When he was in the bath, he let himself slip beneath the water and tried to breathe in. That didn't work either, because despite Jim trying to stay under the water, his body pushed him up again and he spluttered and cried until his breathing went back to normal. After that bath he'd been in trouble for splashing and getting water on the bathroom floor.
He had fully intended to starve himself half to death to make Sebastian feel sorry, but the plan couldn't work. The situation was unique because Seb already did pay attention to him and care about him. And then there were Verity and Frank, who ruined his plans by threatening him with the hospital.
All this only served to make Jim feel more helpless than ever before, even more than when he was little and nobody came to help him when he cried. He was trapped in the body of a nine year old, and soon Sebastian was going to be a man. Seb wouldn't want him then. He would make new friends, maybe even find a girlfriend. Jim knew all about that from the videos they had shown the class in school. When boys hit puberty they started to like things like kissing. Jim thought the idea of kissing a girl was so foul that it made him shudder, but he knew Sebastian was different to him. Maybe he would like that? It was impossible to tell.
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Meanwhile, Verity was growing ever more suspicious of Sebastian. She had never liked him, not even when he first arrived at five years old. For some reason, unknown to Verity, Dawn had instantly taken to the shy blonde child. Although Sebastian had refused to talk to anyone, and cried whenever anybody tried to touch him, Dawn had been his exception, the only person he allowed to hug him and make him food. Despite knowing exactly why Sebastian hid from adults and wouldn't speak to anyone, Verity didn't make any allowances for him. She knew how to deal with children who made a fuss, and that was by being firm. Although she sympathised with Sebastian's situation, which was something no child should ever have to go through, especially at such a young age, she was determined to do things the 'proper' way, and that meant following rules by the book. Sebastian would have to get used to being in contact with people eventually, and that would happen with exposure, not by letting him continue his little tantrums.
In a meeting with Dawn, at the very end of Jim's hunger strike, Verity decided to voice her concerns. For a long while now she'd been keeping a cold eye on Sebastian and Jim, and there was something not quite right about their friendship.
"I don't think they should be roommates anymore," Verity said, sitting behind her wooden desk in the meeting room, Dawn sitting across from her on a cheap, plastic chair. "Jim is getting worse than ever. His psychologist says he is still displaying early onset BPD and depression."
Dawn nodded, her expression calm but determined. "And what's this got to do with Seb?" she asked gently, tilting her head slightly to one side. A wisp of blonde hair fell away from her ponytail and brushed her face.
"I think Sebastian may be bullying him," Verity revealed, shuffling papers because she knew that Dawn disliked it when Sebastian was spoken badly of. It was very unprofessional, in Verity's opinion, but Dawn was extremely well liked by the children, probably because she was young and fairly pretty, so she couldn't be moved on somewhere else. She wasn't particularly intelligent, and deep down Verity felt jealousy that the children had taken to her, despite her not having any real qualifications.
"Sebastian isn't a bully," Dawn said instantly, her tone not argumentative, but firm. "I realise he's been involved in some fights recently, and he's been punished for those incidents, but he isn't that sort of person. The fights he gets into are two way. He never hides it, does he? He's honest. He admits when he's done something wrong."
Verity clicked her tongue against her teeth. She glanced at the smiley face clock on her desk and then back at Dawn.
"Even so, I think he's a bad influence on Jim. Have you noticed the violent language Jim's been using?"
"Yes, but that's probably nothing to do with-"
"I'm going to separate them," Verity cut in, an air of finality to her voice. "And I'm going to encourage Jim to find a friend his own age."
Dawn sighed and then looked down at the ground.
"I think Sebastian going to a different school is enough of a separation," Dawn said carefully.
Verity leaned back in her chair and then nodded slowly. "I haven't got the space to put them in separate bedrooms yet, but I'm going to as soon as I can shuffle things around. Sebastian's about to hit puberty. He shouldn't be sharing with a child like Jim."
"So what do you want me to do?" Dawn asked after a long moment. She felt extremely irritated by Verity's attitude towards the situation. Despite not being qualified in children's mental health the way Verity was, to Dawn the issue was very simple. Sebastian wasn't the cause of the problem, in fact, he was a buffer for it. Jim could be perfectly well behaved when he wanted to impress Sebastian, and Dawn realised how much Sebastian cared for the younger boy. Why rob Sebastian of a sibling? The poor boy was lonely enough as it was, without taking away his only friend. Verity was determined to see Sebastian as a bad influence on Jim, but Dawn knew at first hand that Sebastian could also be an extremely good influence on him. She had often heard them chattering together, Jim sounding almost happy despite his mental illness. Nobody else seemed to be able to make Jim feel so positively about the world.
"I just want you to keep an eye on things," Verity said vaguely. "Don't say anything to them, because I don't want a scene."
"Alright," Dawn agreed with reluctance.
"Sebastian isn't the saint you think he is," Verity said coldly as Dawn stood up to leave. Dawn stopped in her tracks and looked Verity dead in the eyes.
"I don't think he's a saint," she said, trying very hard to keep her voice in check. She didn't want to lose her job. "I think he's a lonely boy with a good heart and a bright future ahead of him. I think he's doing incredibly well to-"
"Favoritism isn't professional in this business," Verity said, now picking up her clock and fixing the time according to her wristwatch. "We have to be impartial for this to work."
"Yes," Dawn shot back, before she could stop herself. "But we also have to be kind. Cheers, Verity. I'll take what you've said on board." Without a second glance Dawn left the room, wondering how she could keep such a huge and devastating secret from the boy she'd come to think of as a sibling.
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"I am sorry, Jim," Sebastian insisted earnestly as Jim very slowly ate a handful of grapes given to him by Frank to keep him healthy.
("Nice easy food," Frank had said cheerfully. Grapes were what they gave to Carly when she couldn't eat sometimes, or when she started crying when dinner was put in front of her. )
Jim continued to pop the grapes into his mouth one by one, not looking at Sebastian, just staring off into space. His hands were still shaking and he felt sick. After not eating for so long, the food hurt his throat and stomach.
"But there's nothing I can do. I have to go to school. You said so yourself. You told me I needed grades."
The nine year old glanced up at Sebastian, finally honouring him with his attention. He ate another grape and then shivered as it went down his throat. It made him feel as though he'd failed at his protest.
"I was going to do something awful," Jim revealed quietly, holding out the grapes in his hand. Sebastian understood what Jim wanted, and decided to make a compromise. He wasn't going to eat the food for him, but he could share if it made Jim feel better.
"Cheers," Sebastian mumbled as he ate a grape. "What d'you mean by awful?"
Jim sighed and picked up a grape between his finger and thumb. He shoved it into Sebastian's mouth, making a point.
"Throw myself down the stairs, probably," Jim admitted with a yawn.
Sebastian's blue eyes widened with horror. "Jim," he said quickly, trying to get his attention properly. "Jim, you wouldn't actually do that though, would you?"
Jim glared at the last grape and then ate it, swallowing it in one disgusted gulp, looking deeply relieved that the whole ordeal was over.
"Jim? You wouldn't, would you?" Sebastian grabbed Jim by his bony shoulders and gave him a gentle shake until the younger boy was glaring at him ferociously.
"Of course I would," he said easily. "And you're hurting. Stop. Now."
Sebastian dropped his hands from Jim's shoulders, looking extremely concerned. "Why? Why would you do it?"
Jim yawned again and then narrowed his eyes at Sebastian, wondering if he was being mocked or not. He was surprised to see the honest confusion in Sebastian's eyes. "You haven't noticed?" he asked curiously.
"Noticed what?"
The Irish boy grinned, laughing weakly. So he hadn't noticed yet. That was good. As long as Sebastian didn't realise that he was starting to turn into a man then Jim wouldn't drop the bombshell. Sebastian's voice hadn't got low properly yet, and until that happened, Jim would refuse to believe the change was happening. He would deny reality for as long as he possibly could.
Sebastian sighed with relief as Jim chuckled, laughing a bit nervously as well. "You won't do it though, will you?"
Jim stood up from the kitchen table and kissed Sebastian on the cheek. "Not unless I have to."