Annoying Snape

New and More Interesting Ways to Piss Him Off

So you wanna know what I found out? Snape didn't have anything to do with the candies. All Malfoy. All Malfoy hoping I'd have sex with him. As if! So I have decided to kill Malfoy with some mild poison, and continue my crusade of pranking Snape. He totally deserves it for trying to make me sick to my stomach! Ha! He does not know the family I come from. We can eat, and eat, and eat. Then we'll have some steak to wash whatever we just ate down.

"Are you alright?" Ginny called from behind the door.

"No!" I yelled angrily. I flopped onto the bed desperate for some sleep.

"Can I come in?" Ginny asked again and I could hear her impatience.

"Fine!" I roared.

"You aren't going to hit on me again are you?" Ginny asked.

"Very funny," I snarled.

Ginny inched into the room carrying a tray of cookies. "I didn't poison them, if that's what you're wondering."

"I'm not," I snapped bitterly.

"How could you have just taken the candies?" she asked laughing.

"I don't know!" I moaned piteously. "I totally let the wooden horse into my sleeping camp!"

"Is that another metaphor for sex?" Ginny asked frowning.

"No!" I snapped. "It's a Greek…occurrence."

"Oh," Ginny said nodding knowingly although I honestly knew she had no idea what I was talking about. Neither do I half the time but I manage to make it work.

"Yeah so I devised an entire list of ways to annoy him," I said smiling. "I like number seven."

Ginny read my list and continued to giggle uncontrollably. "Oh I'm taking your advice," she said blushing slightly. "You do remember don't you?" she asked her voice now harsh and angry.

"Of course I do," I snapped defiantly. I totally don't. What in the name of Queen Elizabeth's frilly knickers was she on about? Was she talking about cutting her hair? I totally heard her say something about that.

"Well what if girls think I'm a slut?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Well fuck them! They're just angry because they have nothing to loose!" I snapped in a strong voice.

"But what if Harry doesn't like it?" Ginny moaned piteously.

"Of course he'll like it! He wont be able to keep his hands off of it!" I said happily.

"Hermione!" Ginny said and blushed again.

"Oh come on with it's gorgeous red color!" I said affectionately.

"I think you must still have some of that stuff in your system!" Ginny said frowning.

"No I don't!" I snarled. "Once again Harry will love it. Everyone would totally comment on it, it'll be the talk of the day!" I said brightly.

"Why would someone talk about that?" she asked in an angry voice.

"Uh, it's pretty noticeable," I said frowning. "I mean one day it's there and the next it isn't! I don't think even Ron would be able to not notice if you lost it!"

"Oh no!" Ginny said putting her hands to her cheeks.

"But think about the after math of it!" I said happily and she lowered her hands slowly.

"Aftermath?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah! You'll feel so loose and it wont be so much trouble to tend to. You wont have to worry about making sure everything is in order, and everything looks alright. Plus every girl does it at least once…before they're even your age!" I said smiling.

"Alright…I'll sleep with Harry. Thanks Hermione I owe you!" Ginny said hugging me.

Double fuck.

Annoying Snape

My List I Made While Horny

First of all I stabbed Malfoy in the back of the neck with my quill and made it look like a mistake. I mean it isn't shoved in there, I poked him real hard you know enough to draw blood then pretended I tripped. He actually almost cried, it was kind of pitiful. I almost felt bad then he asked me if I ate the chocolates.

"Hey mudblood enjoy the candy?" he asked with a sneer.

"I actually spit that one out and gave the rest of the box to Filch. I hear he's looking for you now," I said smiling brightly. "Better not bend over in any dark hallways."

The look on Malfoy's face was priceless, so I snapped a picture with Colin's camera. I also have to go to Neville and apologize for attempting to rape him yesterday. I really didn't think it would be that hard, I mean I totally figured he would let me because of all the help I have been for him. But did I really want to lose my virginity to Neville? I have seen that boy try to maneuver a broom…Enough said.

"Hey Neville," I said brightly and he fell off his seat.

"Oh…Hi Hermione," he said looking at the ground. I smiled to myself and tried not to burst into hysterics.

"Well I just wanted to say thank you for not taking advantage of me yesterday. It took a lot of strength to not unzip your pants and just have your way with me…I want to say that I will do the same for you…Thank you," I said and kissed his cheek. He blushed and just smiled shyly at me.

I left the room in search of Snape. I was honestly planning on annoying the flamingo's out of him when I saw the perfect opportunity…

Malfoy was walking out of the library looking all smug about something. I'll either see a daft third year or a crying first year walking out next. Anyways, I lit his robes on fire just as Snape rounded the corner. Malfoy began to yelp and Snape watched for a moment before doing the spell to diminish the flames.

"Oh thank you sir!" Malfoy gasped still holding onto Snape's neck. I smirked because of the next task I told him to do…I am so bad but he tried to rape me with my horny consent. He deserves it and Snape is just pissing me off. "You know I've always…had a thing for you. I just wanted to…" Malfoy hesitates and then kisses Snape firmly on the lips. I snorted with laughter and had to duck behind a statue so I wasn't seen. All I heard was the furious mutterings and the big professions for love.

Ten minutes later a very disgruntled Snape walked by a very confused Malfoy and I walked away from my hiding spot.

"Hello Severus," I said happily.

"What did you just say?" Snape asked in a more than furious whisper.

"I said Snape," I said like he was daft. "What did you think I said?"

"Ten points for your cheek," Snape said angrily.

"My cheek?" I asked incredulously. "Alright…"

"Get out of my sight," Snape said almost shoving me aside.

"I got you something," I said happily and pulled a tiny doll out of my bag. He looked at it and I smiled knowingly. "It's a Harry Potter voodoo doll…I thought it would help all of that pent up anger you still hold for him." There was a moments silence where Snape stared at it. I smiled again. "I even made a little scar on his face for you, and that is his actual hair."

"Fifteen points from Gryffindor," Snape said silkily.

"Fifteen points for getting you a gift? You must be a bitch at Christmas time!" I said trying not to laugh as I was once again shoved aside as he walked quickly passed me. Every once in a while he would shake his head in a disgusted manner.

"Oh and twenty points for your language," he snarled at his door. I shoved the doll into his hands and he glared at me evilly.

"Oh you know you want it," I said laughing slightly.

"I do not want it!" Snape muttered furiously.

"Oh yes you do…You can't wait to give it a good poke," I said smirking. The door slammed in my face just as I was finishing the sentence. Pain in my ass. Well at least he took the doll.

Annoying Snape

More From My List

So I am totally excited for my next prank. This one is amazing…I placed hundreds of balloons in his classroom. I had someone find out exactly how long it takes him to get from the dungeons to the Great Hall, fifteen minutes, and I had Ginny help my pile balloons before my first class. I can't wait to see his face when he comes back in and has color in his room. Plus I have Harry and Ron setting up a distraction so that he has no time to make them go away.

The bell rang and I went to my seat pretending to look just as in awe and whatever as everyone else. Everyone was giggling wildly as they looked around the room at the bouncing balloons.

"Why isn't anyone-" Snape started and saw all the balloons around the room. I smiled happily as he passed one that read 'Snap Your Fingers If You Think Potions Is Cooler Than Broccoli!' I magicked a small balloon cauldron to follow him around the room as he sweeps past in an angry rage, which we all know he will. He looked around the room and his eyes landed on me, but I managed to look absolutely stunned that this would ever have happened. Did I mention they're unpopable balloons?

"Everyone sit down," Snape snarled so angrily everyone stopped laughing and instantly sat down in their seats as Snape began to teach class. At one point he got caught in a big pile of them and very nearly fell over onto poor Neville who caught him and made the mistake of smiling.

The entire classroom was deathly silent as Snape mentioned death and immense pain to whoever put the balloons in the room. At one point I even managed to yawn quite loudly, Ron and Harry looked frightened as I was given even more detentions. Whatever.

We all handed in our potions and as I made my way up the line I began to lick my fingers avidly like I was trying to get caramel off of it. Snape looked more than disgusted, even before Malfoy made a suggestive hand motion and lost fifty points from his house.

Hahahahahahah

A/N Please read and review. I totally put in another chapter but then I didn't like it so I took it out and re-wrote it. I think this one is so much better…I don't know. Disregard the last letter, I know I did.