Rafael stood in the crowded elevator as his heart began to thud. Counting to ten, he tapped his foot, and clenched his fists in his coat pockets as the elevator slowly ascended. It was as though all eyes were on him, staring, penetrating, and knowing what he had revealed to the world hours earlier.

"Excuse me," Rafael mumbled, as he weaved his way through the group of people when the doors finally opened on the 23rd floor. He side-stepped his way past the opened doors and headed down the long, narrow hallway to the office of his therapist.

Therapy was the last thing that Rafael ever saw himself taking part in but, with the dramatic turn his life had taken, and at Olivia's urging, even he had to admit that it was helping, somewhat. Although it was good to have someone objective to talk to, going to counseling wasn't the easiest decision. In the environment in which he was raised, talking about problems was considered weak, and if there was one thing that Rafael hated, it was showing weakness.

He reached his therapist's office and took a deep breath before he opened the door. Until today, no one, aside from Olivia knew he was in therapy, it was yet another embarrassing detail he was forced to reveal during his testimony. He exhaled and reached for the door handle, knowing that despite his upbringing, therapy and the chance to talk about his problems was doing some good. As he opened the door, he pushed the image of his disapproving parents out of his mind, and vowed never to tell his mother about any of this.

"So, you survived court today," Dr. Wiebe, the portly, white-haired man with a warm smile, said. With his shoulder-length hair, beard that reached his collar bone, and sparkling blue eyes, he reminded Rafael of Santa Claus. "You didn't think you would," the doctor added, standing to pour a glass of water for Rafael and placing it on the coffee table.

"Barely." A gush of air came from the soft, leather chair when Rafael sat down. He leaned forward and took a sip of water. "Thanks."

Dr. Wiebe nodded and sat in the chair across from Rafael. "Barely?" he asked, raising his bushy eyebrows, deepening the creases in his forehead.

"Yeah." Rafael squinted and turned his head away from the harsh glare of the sun as it streamed through the half-opened slats of the venetian blinds.

"Why barely?" Dr. Wiebe asked as he walked over to the window to close the blinds. "What was the hardest part?" he asked, pulling the cord and smoothing out the slats.

"All of those people sitting there listening…watching me fall apart."

"You fell apart? Did you break down on the stand?"

"Sort of. My leg wouldn't stop shaking. I could barely answer some of the questions. Everything I said came out wrong."

"How is that?"

"When Buchanan started questioning me I was blindsided. He asked why I let Doug up to my room if I was so afraid of him. I got flustered. The way he posed his questions made it sound like it was my fault, or at least, partially my fault. He said that it was all just some sort of role-play or rape fantasy that got out of hand. You know, rough sex that I regretted the next day. He even brought up my father. That shouldn't have surprised me, but it did."

"What did he say about your father?"

"That because he was violent, I misinterpreted everything and I over-reacted to the role-play. And now," Rafael sighed, "Olivia knows about my father too, as does everyone else sitting there today. I didn't need everyone knowing that," he said, frowning as his eyes darted up at therapist and then across the room to the shuttered window.

"So you never told Olivia about the violence in your home?"

"I did, but I didn't get into details, how he'd hit me, call me names, make me feel worthless...I've told her enough already. I guess I just wanted to keep that private. She feels bad enough for me as it is."

"As difficult as it was, you got through it."

Rafael nodded and bit his lip. "I guess…I should have known better though. People were wrong about the whole thing."

"Who was wrong?"

"Everyone. The police, Fin, and I hate to say it, even Oliva. They all said I'd feel better after testifying…that it would feel good to tell my story and accuse him in court," Rafael said. "I wish I hadn't. I don't feel liberated at all," he said with a heavy sigh.

"You expected to feel liberated?"

"Somewhat. Olivia kept telling me how brave I was to face him and that I'd feel better. But I don't. I feel worse."

"Do you think that maybe it'll take some time before you feel better?" Dr. Wiebe asked. "Your testimony only ended a few hours ago. I think you need to give yourself some time to let everything sink in. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Maybe…but it's been two months since that night and I really don't feel like I'm progressing at all. Look at me. I'm a grown man, I have nightmares, I'm still not back at work…I can't even spend the night alone in my own home without panicking."

"It's not an easy fix, Rafael. And you have progressed. A month ago, you didn't have your own apartment. You have spent the night alone, you had a panic attack, but, you survived and made it through the night, and, you will again. You've got a plan to return to work. Only a month ago, you couldn't see yourself ever going back."

"I should have moved out and tried to forget about it and just go on with life. But now, everyone knows what happened," Rafael said. He reached for the box of tissues on the table and wiped his eyes. "It's not something I want the world to know about," he said, his voice cracking as he spoke.

"Of course not," Dr. Wiebe said softly. He sat back and waited while Rafael dabbed at his eyes and regained his composure.

Rafael turned his head and gazed at the window. "I'm afraid he's going to win," he said, his eyes widening at the thought.

"And if he does win, what does that mean for you?"

"Do you want the truth, or what I tell everyone?"

"The truth."

"The truth is, I think you're looking at a dead man. He told me what he'd do and how. There's no reason for me to doubt him…he doesn't make empty threats."

"So what is it that you tell everyone?"

"What they want to hear." Rafael picked up his glass and drank the rest of the water. "How I'll deal with whatever happens. It's getting better every day. You know, the one day at a time bullshit," he said, holding the empty glass in his hand. "It makes people happy when I say that. I don't want people to worry, especially Olivia. She worries too much as it is. It made her really uncomfortable when I told her what he said he'd do."

Dr. Wiebe leaned forward and took the glass from Rafael's hand. "You almost sound resigned," Dr. Wiebe said as he filled Rafael's glass. "As if it's a fact that he's going to kill you."

"Is that how I sound? I guess you're right. I've thought for a long time that he's going to kill me one day. I don't know if people believe me or not. I think that Olivia thinks I'm crazy. She says Doug won't come near me again, or at least that's what she says…I saw the look on her face when I told her what he said he'd do," Rafael said. "Maybe she says he won't to make me feel better. Or maybe she knows he's serious, I don't know," Rafael said with a shrug.

"You were with Doug for five years, and you lived with him for four?"

"Yeah."

"And he began to threaten your life in the last year?"

"Umm…well I guess in the last couple of years. More so in the last year. Things started to go really bad after about a year. Just after I moved in with him. At first, he'd slap and push me, call me names and yell. From there, it got worse and worse. He'd choke me, hit me with his fists, kick me, toss me around...sometimes it was so bad I missed work. I always made him so mad."

"What kinds of things made him angry?"

"In the last year, almost anything I did or said."

"Such as? Can you think of an example?"

"Umm, well, not long before I left, he beat the hell out of me because he found Fin's glove in my car. I tried to tell him that I'd only given him a ride to the courthouse. But Doug didn't believe me because he saw us having lunch before…he went crazy. That was one of the times where I thought he was going to kill me. But honestly, anything could set him off. Even if I had a stomach ache and couldn't eat, he'd be mad. I tried so hard not to aggravate him, but it didn't matter," Rafael said. He shook his head and looked up at Dr. Wiebe. "If I was being 'too nice' then he just thought I was up to something. It got crazy."

"That sounds pretty stressful."

"Yeah. And on top of all that, I lied to a lot of people to cover everything up too, I'm not proud of that, but I just didn't want anyone knowing."

"Who did you lie to?"

"My boss, my mother, Olivia, other co-workers of mine, even my grandmother when she was alive. I'm still lying to my mother. She knows I moved out of Doug's, but she thinks we just broke up. She's happy about that I think, because I know she'd rather see me with a woman anyway. She knows I'm off work right now, but that's because I told her I'm on a sabbatical, so another lie," Rafael said with a long sigh. "But, I can't have her finding all of this out, even coming here to see you, she'd think I must be crazy to see a shrink. Besides, I can't add to her problems, she's still really stressed from the death of my grandmother."

"How did you cope with all of that? The abuse and your efforts to hide it?"

"The best way I could. I ignored it. I put on my suits, went to work, and acted like an ass so people would leave me alone. I went home, got hit sometimes, poured myself a scotch, and closed my eyes when he crawled into bed beside me. Probably not the best way to handle things, hey?" Rafael shrugged and looked away.

"You drank?"

"Yeah. Too much probably. To numb it all. Expensive scotch to go with my suits. That way, no one would ever suspect. People thought I had good taste," Rafael said, running his hands through his hair and looking back at Dr. Wiebe. "I'd put on those suits and underneath, I'd have bruises all over. But, no one ever suspected that anything was wrong. I was good at hiding it all."

"It's not your fault. You have far more than your fair share of crosses to bear. You have to learn to trust people, and to let them help you because they want to help. You deserve to have someone in your corner and you have to be able to confide in someone. None of this is on you."

"I don't know about that," Rafael said. "I shouldn't have stayed with him for so long. I should have left a long time ago. That part is on me." He drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair and shook his head. "How can I call myself a man and be afraid all the time? I feel like I'll never get over this. I'm a coward," he said, his voice cracking. His mouth twitched into a frown as he shook his head and turned to avoid the watchful eyes of Dr. Wiebe.

"No, you're most definitely not a coward. I'm quite sure that anyone who had to deal with a guy like Doug would be afraid."

"Well how do I get over it?"

"You're not going to, and you shouldn't expect to. But, you're going to recover and learn how to live with what has happened to you. Let me ask you this, if there was one thing you could change about your current situation, what would it be?"

"I wish I could sleep. Maybe I could deal with everything else if I wasn't so damn tired all the time. And for the nightmares to stop."

"Have they subsided at all?"

"A little, but not completely. It's been almost two months and I still have nightmares. Sometimes I think I see him. If I'm at home, I start to panic because I'm alone and I think he's right there, and if I'm at Olivia's, I just try to supress it all. I can't keep breaking down like a baby in front of her. I'm jumpy…I keep reliving things. It's like I've lost control. So, I just try and stay awake until I pass out from exhaustion, but most nights, I can't sleep for long. The pills are helping, but still, I rarely feel rested. I'm always so tired."

"Do you ever talk to Olivia about your nightmares and panic attacks?"

"At first. Not anymore though."

"Why not?"

"I guess I just hate bothering her about it. She works, she's a mother and she went through worse with William Lewis - "

"That's the man that kidnapped her?"

"Yes. She went through worse, and here I am, barely able to function, barely able to eat or sleep. It's enough that she lets me stay over. I just can't burden her with what's inside my head, and I don't want to rekindle all of the horrible things that happened to her by talking about my problems."

"Why do you think she went through worse?"

"Well, Lewis kidnapped her and tortured her. He was a rapist and murderer."

"And you have suffered through long term abuse. Doug, who should have loved and protected you, beat you senseless, held you under water, broke your ribs gave, gave you a concussion, need I go on? He spent a night holding you against your will, violently beating and sexually assaulting you. Isn't that torture? What you went through was terrible. Your fears are valid. I know you've heard this before, but it will take time to recover and move on with life."

"Yeah…I guess," Rafael said. "I talked to my boss today."

"Oh? How did that go?"

"I told him that I want to try and return to work. I can't keep sitting around and doing nothing but dwelling on this."

"You're ready to take that step?" Dr. Wiebe asked, looking at Rafael with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah. I'm sure. Maybe a week or two after the trial is over. I told him what we talked about, consulting on some cases for a while before I head back into the court room."

"That's great. I think you just need to monitor your stress level before you resume your regular duties. Easing yourself back into work is the best way to handle things. We'll talk about that more when the time comes."

"Yeah."

"So the trial is winding down and Doug takes the stand tomorrow."

"Yeah." Rafael stood and walked over to the window. "It's going to be bad," he said, putting his fingers between the slats of the blinds and peering out the window. "I'll sit there and listen to him lie about what happened and about me. What other choice do I have?" he asked, his shoulder twitching into an involuntary shrug. The blinds snapped shut when he moved his hand to rub his forehead. "He and his lawyer already tried to spin this all on me anyway, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at whatever he comes up with."

Dr. Wiebe walked over to his desk and produced a stress-ball from one of the drawers. "I don't think that this will be the answer, but maybe it'll help," he said, handing the ball to Rafael. "Remember the coping strategies we talked about. Try it and see if it helps. If things get intense, squeeze it. If things get really bad, take a break. Don't force yourself to sit through his testimony if you get too overwhelmed. Don't let him intimidate you, and remember, he's the one on trial, not you."

"I'll try. It's all I can do, right?"

"Right. Will you have any support with you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Olivia is coming for sure, and maybe Fin."

"That's good. So where are you spending the night?"

"I guess at Olivia's. I really need to start staying at home more often."

"All in due time, Rafael. I have some time open tomorrow evening. If you need to come after court tomorrow, you just call and make an appointment."

Olivia smiled as she dimmed the lights and closed the door to Noah's room thankful that the toddler had finally fallen asleep. It had been a long day and probably an even longer one for Rafael she thought as her thoughts turned to him. When she saw his door was partially open she hesitated, wondering if she should disturb him. Ever since she had picked him up after his therapy session, he had been unusually quiet, which was understandable but still worrisome. Just pop in and say hi to see how he's doing. She took a breath and tapped lightly on the door. "Hey," she said, standing in the hall just outside of his room to see him sitting up in bed and looking at something in his hand.

"Hi." Rafael looked up from his hand curled around the stress-ball and smiled.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure. How's Noah?"

"Asleep for the night. Finally. How are you doing?"

"Good."

"Stress ball?" Olivia asked, pointing to his hand.

"Yeah. Wiebe gave it to me, for tomorrow. Maybe it'll help."

"Maybe," she said, smiling as she sat in the chair next to the bed. "Sorry we didn't really get to talk much after your session. How did it go?"

"Alright I guess." Rafael squeezed the ball a few more times and frowned. "I don't think this'll help." He let the ball roll out of his hand and watched as it rolled onto the bed beside him.

"Are you up to talking? I know that you had a rough day."

"Nothing much to talk about," he said. "I'd rather forget about it."

"Ok. Well I'm going to go relax and have a glass of wine. Come and join me if you change your mind," she said, smiling at him in encouragement.

"I'm just going to try and sleep," Rafael mumbled.

"Alright. I'll see you in the morning then." Olivia's smile faded as she stood and headed for the door. She hesitated at the door for a moment and turned around. "Have a good rest," she said. She wanted to run back to him, wrap her arms around him, and tell him that everything would be OK.

"Olivia?" Rafael called, when he saw her worried face. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"I know. Try and get some sleep," she said, turning and closing the door gently.

Olivia curled up on the couch sipping wine and flipping aimlessly through a magazine, wishing that she could have convinced Rafael to come out of his room and socialize, even if it was just with her. She knew not to push him too hard, but she was worried about how quiet and distant he had become. It wasn't that she expected him to be overly social and talkative, but, she didn't quite expect him to have become as introverted as he was either. As she tried to concentrate on an interior design article she had the sensation that she was being watched.

"Hi." Rafael said, when Olivia looked up from her magazine. "I didn't mean to interrupt," he said, gesturing at the magazine in her hand. He stood at the edge of the living room and wondered if she really wanted his company.

"You're not." Olivia tossed the magazine to the coffee table and forced herself to smile. His appearance shocked her. His pajama pants hung loosely and looked as though they may slide down his hips, his eyes were sunken, and made his face look drawn, gaunt, and exhausted. "Come sit down," she said, trying not to stare. "Would you like some wine?"

"No, thanks," he said, as he settled in at the end of the couch. "I forgot to tell you, I'm going back to work soon. Just part time to start."

"Really? I know you had talked about it bit a few days ago, but you didn't seem too sure about when." Olivia raised her eyebrows and passed him a plate with some cheese, crackers, and grapes.

"Thanks," Rafael said, taking a cracker and some grapes. "A couple of weeks after the trial ends, so soon. My therapist came up with the idea of easing back into it. I'll start by consulting on a case or two. Then slowly work back up to the usual. The DA said that was OK with him."

"That's good. That's a really good idea."

"Yeah," Rafael said. "I think it's time to try and get back to normal."

"Well I think it's a good idea. Just make sure you don't try to do too much at first," Olivia said, holding the plate towards him and hoping he take some more.

Rafael shook his head and waved the plate away. "I know."

"It might be hard for you to take a step back at first."

"I think I'll be fine with just helping for a while."

"Yeah? Sometimes it's good to sit back and let someone else take the lead. At least until you're feeling a little better."

"Yeah," he said, tugging at the hem of his pajama top. "Wiebe said it may take a while. I guess I'll see how it goes."

"Speaking of feeling better, how's your stomach holding up?"

"It's alright. It still gets upset a lot, but I have an appointment in a couple of weeks."

"Good. I'm glad you're getting it checked out."

"It's not such a bad thing. At least I've lost some weight."

"I've noticed. How much?"

"I think close to 15 pounds…maybe a little more."

"That's not good."

"It's not like I didn't need to lose a few pounds anyway."

"Well, I don't know about that. But, losing too much weight, too fast, and because you're having stomach issues and barely eating isn't a good thing."

"I know. It'll be fine…I finished those leftovers," he said, raising his eyebrows and hoping Olivia would drop the subject.

"Are you ready for court tomorrow?" Olivia asked, immediately sorry for the question she posed as soon as the words left her mouth. How could he ever be ready to sit and listen to Doug defend himself, spin the story of what he had done and surely slander Rafael in the process. "I'm sorry. I know you can't ever be ready for something so difficult."

"I'm worried about it. I know he's going to lie, and I'll have to sit and listen to it," Rafael said, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm not looking forward to it," he said, turning his head to hide the tears about to burst from his eyes.

Oliva shifted closer to him and patted his shoulder. "I'll be there," she said softly. "Fin said he can come too. We'll be sitting right beside you the whole time."

"Thanks," he said. The gentle touch of Olivia's hand on his shoulder caused the tears welling in his eyes to spill and stream down his face. "I'm so worried about it. I'm afraid that no one will believe me."

"Oh, Rafael, I know it's tough. I know what happened, and I believe you. And so does Fin. I'm so proud of you for facing him and testifying against him. I know how hard it must have been." She reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table and turned to him. "Look at me," she said, smiling when he turned his head to her. "You're going to be alright. I promise."

Rafael nodded and wiped his eyes. "Sometimes I think things are getting better…but I still have those bad dreams. Not every night, but I still get them. I know I told you I'm better, but, I'm still scared of what he'll do to me. I haven't really gotten over that yet."

"I didn't think you'd be over the nightmares so quickly," she said. She sat on her knees beside him and gently wiped at his cheek. "Don't feel as though you have to hide things from me."

"It's really hard for me to talk about. I wish it was all over," Rafael said. He sighed, leaned against her shoulder, and closed his eyes as she helped to dry his tears.

"I know. The trial will be over in a couple of days. You've got a great plan to return to work, and soon, you'll move on with life." She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and cupped his chin in her hand. "You'll see," she said, trying not to let her voice break as she looked into his eyes, brimming with tears and filled with pain and sorrow. Her instincts told her that Rafael held many more painful secrets. "It's OK, sweetie," she said, shocked that she had just called him 'sweetie', and pleased that he didn't seem to mind. "You're going to get through this." She inched a little closer and held him tightly. "You're going to get through this," she said, again and again until his quiet sobs finally ceased.

Rafael nodded against Olivia's shoulder, grateful for her unwavering support. Smiling, he pulled away and sat up. "Thanks," he said, rubbing his red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "I think I feel a bit better."