AN: Bonjour Mili, I know enough French to read your review (no need to translate) :D Merci Beaucoup!

And thank you to all of my other reviewers as well, you help me through the day.

SideNote: While writing this I realized how much I loved the Marauder Age and Sirius. So I started another story where Sirius is the main character and he becomes Voldemort's obsession. Sirius has to grow up fast and get his family's support if he expects to evert a war or winding up dead. No Harry in this one but I'm having fun with an AU world rather than a time travel story.

Cannon Quote that broke me:

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to."

-Sirius Black.

Chapter 13 - When You Die

While Harry was taking a shower, Sirius made hot chocolate. Rich, extra bar of chocolate hot chocolate, which Harry was hunched around.

"What's been happening, Harry?" Sirius asked.

Briefly, Harry thought of hiding, of starting with the dream but there was no way to explain the dream without the whole story.

Harry took a deep breath, "Sirius, what do you think happens to you when you die?"

Sirius blinked, "I'm - I don't know, but I would like to think we join our loved ones."

"I didn't," Harry said hollowly. "Not when Voldemort struck me with the killing curse the first time and not the second either."

Sirius frowned, "You're going to have to give me more than that. Are you saying you remember the night Voldemort was defeated?"

Harry sighed, "I have had dreams about that night my entire life. I got the memory starting from my father telling Lily to run and ending with her dying for me when I was first attacked by a Dementor in the third year on the train. I had my first occlumency lesson with Snape last week and that's when I remembered what happened Mum died. I skipped this week's lesson."

"You remembered being hit by the killing curse?"

"I remember dying and coming back to life and that space in between."

"What do you remember?"

"White mist. Sitting on the couch downstairs with my parents. James told me to live and Lily told me she loved me. I remember coming back and pain. It hurt so much I don't know what to compare it too. It was so painful that it almost wasn't a physical sensation. The pain in my scar was secondary."

Sirius's face was calm but his eyes were shiny with suppressed emotions. "This happened to you twice?"

"The second time it was Dumbledore who greeted me in the white mist and then I woke up three years in the past."

Sirius blinked, repeatedly, "You time traveled?"

"The day of the final task. I thought I was hallucinating. If I hadn't maybe I would have caught Wormtail."

"You time traveled?" Sirius said again.

"Yep."

There was a long pause, "So you're what seventeen years old?"

"Eighteen," Harry corrected, "It was almost three years to the day, so my birthday hasn't notably changed."

Harry watched Sirius's eyes flick back in forth in thought before they resettled on him.

"Do you want me to tell you what I've gone through since coming back in time or my original timeline?" Harry asked.

"It's your original timeline that has been bothering you," Sirius guessed.

Harry gripped his mug a little tighter, "Yeah."

"Then start where the two lines split."

And Harry did. Harry detailed Cedric's death, the ceremony that brought No-Nose back to full strength. The nightmares, the pain in his scar, the newspapers, Umbridge setting Dementors on him, Dumbledore's distance, the Occlumency lessons, Snape's memories, the forgotten mirror shard, the Death Eaters breaking out of prison, Nagini attacking Mr. Weasley, the trap Voldemort set, the DADA, the battle at the Ministry of Magic, Sirius dying.

"It was my fault."

"It was not your fault," Sirius said firmly. "Damn Bellatrix. I got cocky and failed you. That most certainly is not your fault."

"But there was a million things I could have done, Sirius."

"Harry, unless you personally take a rock and smash my skull in, my death will never be your fault. Even if you killed me, you would probably be justified."

"You didn't deserve to die," Harry stressed.

"I'm the reason your parents were murdered. The reason you were raised by the Dursleys."

"No, it wasn't. If Trelawney had made the stupid prophecy, if Snape hadn't overheard, if Pettigrew wasn't an evil bastard, if- If a million things. It isn't your fault James and Lily died."

"Alright," Sirius said easily.

It was Harry's turn to blink in surprised confusion, "Just like that?"

"I'll make you a deal. I will never say out loud and I will attempt not to think that I am the reason my best friend and his wife died and his son was left on his own if you accept that by the same reasoning you just gave me that my death was not and will never be your fault."

Harry's lips made a tight line, "And what we chant it enough times and we start to believe it?"

"Stranger things have happened," Sirius pointed out.

Harry sighed and continued with his story, proving that indeed, stranger things had happened. For instance, Dumbledore taking Harry Horcrux hunting and Snape.

"Snape killed Dumbledore?" Sirius breathed, shocked.

"Dumbledore was already dying. He strong armed Snape into shortening it. Snape saved Draco Malfoy from becoming a murderer."

Sirius nodded, "He's a cranky bastard but he didn't turn out all bad. Not that I can say I helped him be a better person at all."

Harry snorted, "I think it's safe to say Snape wasn't sad to see you go."

"And this all would have happened next year?"

"Yep."

"How are you going to keep this from Snape during your Occlumency lessons?"

"I have no idea and aside from Flitwick, you are the only person to know I'm from the future."

"You really haven't said anything to Ron or Hermione?"

"How can I!?" Harry exploded, gesturing with his hands. "What am I supposed to tell them? 'Hey best friends I am a time traveler and we went through hell together but I can't explain because you wouldn't understand.'"

"Who's to say they wouldn't understand?" Sirius questioned.

"Sirius we lived in a tent for months. People were being killed and tortured right and left. We were on the most wanted list. Hermione erases her parents' memories of herself and shipped them to Australia. I don't want her to have to think of that. I don't ever want her to be put in a position where that would ever occur to her or for that to be necessary.

"We got captured at one point and Bellatrix, the bitch who tortured Neville's parents into insanity, personally tortured her. She carved 'mudblood' into Hermione's arm with a cursed blade. I don't want her to know that. I don't want to see her face when her faith in the concept of laws and right and wrong are destroyed. Even if I did tell her it would just be giving her pain for no reason because she will never be the person who lived those things through with. I miss that person but I would give almost anything to ensure she never has to live through that again, that she never has to become that person.

"Ron deserted us because of that stupid locket. He came back but we… all of us were so close to breaking."

"Harry-"

"We robbed Gringotts together."

"You robbed Gringotts? Like successfully?"

Harry nodded, "Yep. It was Bellatrix's vault actually. We rode out of the bank on the dragon they keep down there."

"Cool," Sirius enthused.

"Yeah, a lot of fun. Being Undesirable Number One, impersonating Death Eaters, making deals with outcaste goblins and using the Imperio on others. Yeah, it was a ton of fun, breaking ethical laws and being constantly on the brink of death," Harry said acidly.

"I'm sorry, Harry, this is just a lot to take in."

"The lengths we went to… I still wonder. I have done a lot of bad things, Sirius."

"You were in a war, Harry, sometimes the right thing to do isn't the ethical thing to do."

"I'm sure that's what the Death Eaters tell themselves," Harry said, shoulders slumping.

"A lot of good people die in war because they did nothing. An ethical death is still dead."

"The final battle was fought on the Hogwarts' grounds after a year of students being tortured and torturing one another. A lot of kids died, Sirius. Whatever we did wasn't enough."

"Harry…"

"I've been thinking it over for months and it all seems so silly. Everything we did was so small in the face of it. Dumbledore and Voldemort playing chess with our lives. Years of being told that I was only a child and should let the adults take care of it, then two years of everyone depending on me. Two years of sorrow and mayhem and we were too late to save anyone. Too late to help anyone! I am just one person and I was only important because the Dark Lord and Dumbledore were obsessed me. But really, I was just such a small voice in the greater horror of it all."

"Harry, you have done more than anyone should have ever asked of you. Voldemort is a madman, his actions are inexcusable. Dumbledore is almost equally wrong on putting that burden on you."

"Yet if I hadn't been around, Voldemort would have come back."

"If it wasn't for you he would have won the first war. Had Lily never had you, she may have never found a way to fight him off."

"So you don't think I was a supernatural baby."

"Harry, you were a beautiful, beloved child of two of the very bravest people who did their best to care for you in a war."

"I wish they hadn't died for me."

"They and I would have died a thousand times over to see you safe."

"You're not aware then." Harry's voice taking on a dark undertone that frightened Sirius. "You weren't aware that Dumbledore was grooming me to be a martyr?"

Sirius's blood went cold, "Explain."

"You've heard of the Deathly Hallows?"

"The children's story?"

"My dad's cloak is the invisibility cloak."

Sirius eyes widened, "Impossible."

"I tell you I'm a time traveler and the Hallows is where you draw the line?"

Sirius expression turned sheepish, "Sorry, you're right. I believe you, it's just that is a very old children's book. I sure hope Rabbity-Rabbity isn't real." His humor was forced and fell flat.

"Dumbledore's wand is the Death Stick and the ring that was killing him, the stone was the Researchition Stone."

Sirius shook his head, "All three."

"Snape died because of the Elder Wand. Voldemort set Nagini on him."

"Did he know he was the traitor."

"Nope, Voldemort thought he was loyal until the last. Snape died in my arms and the last things he did was give me his memories."

"You don't have to tell me this part."

"I need to tell you, I think. I haven't told Flitwick but he doesn't hate the man like you and I do."

Sirius sighed, "You are going to tell me why Dumbledore trusted the old bat, aren't you?"

Harry smiled sadly at his godfather.

"He loved her," Sirius said after Harry told him what he had seen in Snape's memories.

"He saved my life over and over again for her. He taught school children which he hates, and played spy and Dumbledore's lap dog and died for love of her."

"That doesn't exactly excuse him for the things he's done," Sirius remarked.

Harry shrugged, "He was set up to fail."

Sirius's felt vastly overwhelmed at this point, they had been talking for hours and so it was a slow dawning horror that he was able to piece the puzzle together. "Did- did Dumbledore ask you to sacrifice yourself to Voldemort?"

Harry nodded, "I didn't say goodbye to Ron and Hermione."

"No, Harry, no," Sirius moaned, "Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't give up the fight."

"I never even raised my wand."

"Why would you do that? What did you think it would accomplish?"

"Neither can live while-"

"Damn the prophecy!" Sirius shouted, standing up. "What made you think dying would do anyone any good!?"

"There was a piece of Voldemort's soul anchored inside me."

"And did you try anything else!? Harry, the Dark Arts are not one solution solves all. There are so many things you could have tried before allowing someone to kill you!" Sirius didn't mean to shout, but he couldn't suppress his fear, his sorrow for what his godson had gone through. It broke his heart to think that his Harry, that James and Lily's son would think -even for a moment, that he was worth more dead than alive.

"Dumbledore gave me the Resurrection Stone and you and mum and dad and Lupin were there. Dad and Mum were proud of me, Remus was sorry for orphaning his son- my godson by the way and I think I did a worse job than you did, and you, you said-"

"What did I say, Harry? What did the shade who stole my appearance say?"

Harry shut his eyes unable to face Sirius as he repeated the words that had given him the courage to sacrifice it all -sacrifice himself. "I asked if it would hurt, if would hurt to die and you said-" He had to swallow before finishing, "You said it was quicker and easier than falling asleep."

Sirius went to Harry's seat, knelt by his chair and took a hold of both his hands. "You listen to me, my son, your parents and I love you. We would never wish you harm, never wish you dead."

"My death could have saved a lot of people."

"Bullshit," Sirius snapped, squeezing Harry's hands tighter. "I don't care what you saw with that cursed stone, I would never have encouraged you to die. I would have told you to rage, I would have told you to run and fight another day. I would have told you that your time hadn't come yet, that your time would never come until you had exhausted all other options and even then I would have told you to fight.

"There are things worth dying for, things worth sacrificing, but offering your life up to a madman for an empty promise..."

Harry shook his head and tried to pull his hands out of Sirius's grip but Sirius held on.

"You know that, don't you?" Sirius asked his eyes kind, his words demanding.

"Sirius don't-"

"Say it, Harry."

"Dumbledore-"

"Albus Dumbledore was wrong."

"Sirius please-"

"Say it out loud, Harry. You need to hear yourself say it."

Harry couldn't stop the tears that trailed down his face. "I thought it was the only option. There were so many, too many who had died. I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted it to end."

"Did you want to die?" Sirius asked gently.

"No, no, I was terrified but I thought, I thought-" Harry stuttered.

"It's okay, Harry, It's okay," Sirius soothed.

Harry choked on a sob. "I thought it would make- that I would make a difference. I thought my death would give everyone else a chance to live and I was willing to die for them. I was just one person I didn't matter."

"Yes you do, Harry, yes you do. You will always matter. There is no life that is equitable to another's. Your parents died fighting for you but they would have been fighting if they hadn't had you. Your mother died for you because she couldn't have lived in a world without. She couldn't have been Lily, your mother if she had stepped aside to let you be murdered before her eyes."

"I died because- I died because I loved them all, everyone at this school, I died so they could have a chance too."

"You believed that by dying that your single death would have stopped Voldemort," Sirius repeated back to him.

Both reasonings were sound. Dying for the greater good, dying so others might have a chance, versus that by dying Harry hadn't stopped Voldemort in the slightest. If Voldemort lived and Harry was dead than Voldemort would have kept killing.

Harry hadn't killed Nagini and Dumbledore was dead, who was there that could have withstood the Dark Lord?

Hermione? But Hermione, as brilliant as she was no more a match for Voldemort than Harry had been, and she wouldn't have had brother wands.

"I died for nothing," Harry said brokenly.

"No, Harry, you died because every person that should have stood up for you, every person that should have been there for you made you feel that you had no worth. I loved you and I failed you. You loved Dumbledore and he not only died on you but told you to die for everyone else. And at your weakest, at your most courageous you were given a weapon that made you believe that the people who had loved you most in this world wanted you dead."

Harry shattered, he slid off his chair into Sirius's embrace and fell apart. He cried and lost any sense of composure. He had tried so hard, he had done everything asked of him and in the end thrown away his life. The life his parents had given him, the one Sirius had died fighting to protect.

Harry buried his face into Sirius robes and sobbed, giving voice to the fear and the pain and the grief that had been eating away at his soul.

Sirius rubbed his back, murmuring words of comfort and after an endless space of time, Harry finally heard the words Sirius was saying, "You're not too late. We're alive, Harry, we're alive."

Harry closed his eyes and clung to that thought. The thought that they were alive and where there was life there was hope.

Harry awoke the next morning in a bed, after finding his glasses on the bedside table he recognized the room as Regulus's. Harry had no idea how he had gotten here. He looked around and though Grimmauld Place was cleaner in this timeline, this room was still the most pristine.

Sirius was awake, staring out the small window, lost in thought.

"Your little brother died fighting by the way," Harry croaked.

"Hmmm?" Sirius asked, his blue-grey eyes had darkened to a deep charcoal grey.

"Slytherin's Locket, Regulus found out what it was and died getting it to Kreacher."

Sirius was quiet, gaze going distant again, "Where are the Horcruxes now?

"When I came back in time I destroyed them. All of them. The one in my scar didn't survive the trip through time continuums," Harry said, gratefully taking the glass of water that had appeared at his bedside.

"Even the one in Gringotts?"

"Dobby got that one."

"The house-elf?" Sirius grinned, "Oh I would love to tell my dear cousin that."

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Are you mad at me for getting myself killed?"

A beat.

"Yes, I am angry, I think I will always be angry that you felt that was your only option, but I understand why you did it."

"Do you forgive me?"

"Only if you promise to never do it again," Sirius said, coming to sit on the bed.

"I promise."

"Then you are forgiven."

There was an awkward silence.

Harry asked, "Do you forgive yourself?"

Sirius took in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and let it go. "It doesn't help us, to live in the past."

"Doesn't mean we can escape it."

"We have to learn to live, you and I. We have to learn to move forward. This life, well, you gave us a chance didn't you?"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know what you mean?"

"Voldemort is on the run. You destroyed all his soul fragments. You gave us a second chance. Let's not waste it."

"So where do we go from here?" Harry asked.

"Well, I think you need a day, well probably a year off, but I think I can steal you for a few days without causing too much trouble."

Harry felt his insides warm. "What do you have in mind?"

"Have you ever been to France?"

Harry shook his head, "Only the camping in the woods."

"Well we need breakfast and they have the best food, well where the people are anyway. Plus, I bet it's sunny there."

"But you're-"

Sirius held up a finger and pulled out his wand. A few flicks and the dark haired, mustached man in front of him was now blonde, tanned, clean shaven, and had turquoise blue eyes. He pulled out a hair tie and put his hair back in a ponytail.

"Transfiguration was always my best subject," Sirius wagging his pale eyebrows, "What do you think?"

Harry stared, "Why did you never do that before?"

"Because there are ways, rather simple ways to break these enchantments. But if we stick to muggle France it shouldn't be a problem."

Harry grinned. Yeah, he had been through some shit. But Sirius was absolutely right. They were alive and there was nothing stopping them from taking this second chance at a better present.

AN: That was the damned hardest chapter to write. The last three books do not sum up simply and I think I down played the trauma because the more you analyze it…. Well, I plan to cut back on the angst from this point onwards. Harry will still be dealing with this as well Sirius but not so internalized that Harry thinks his life doesn't have value.

The whole Lily died for Harry and Harry died for the greater good is really hard to explain how fundamentally wrong it is for the individuals involved. I don't know how well I reasoned it through but I think the key is that no parent wants their child to die, no matter the cause.

Please let me know what you would like to see in future chapters and how this chapter read. It was painful to write.