Rocket Man Chapter XIII

A big, big thanks to all of you! You rock! All you reviews have been so kind. Thank you, thank you!

As always thanks to the fabulous BBB's.

Disclaimers:

They are not mine. I'm not keeping them, just borrowing, although I wouldn't mind to keep Castle. ;-)

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

She sat over a pile of paperwork, actually the second pile, the one for the Germans. It was extra work, but she didn't care. Not today. She felt better than she had in months, some of the weight she'd carried since the summer had been lifted from her shoulders, some of the darkness surrounding her since her mother's murder had disappeared. She didn't feel free from all of it, the wall was still there and she knew there was more, more talking to be done, more of the past to leave behind, but she felt ready. Maybe not ready to go the whole distance, not ready to dive in, but ready to make a start, to give something back. Whenever he was ready and, for once, she would be the one to do the waiting.

"Yo Beckett! Ryan and I are heading out for lunch, you want something?" Esposito pulled her out of her thoughts, standing at his desk and calling to her.

She looked up, regarding him for a moment, "Where are you going?"

"Chinese?" He suggested, looking at Ryan who nodded.

"No thanks," she declined, seeing the boys weren't pleased with her answer. Kate knew all too well it was Castle's job to feed her. Her boys had some strange silent agreement about that aspect of her life and she had - just as silently - accepted it. Of course she would never tell them. It amused her to see their struggle now, as without Castle they obviously didn't know how to stand their ground. "I'll get something later." She assured them, turning her attention back to her paperwork, hoping to finally get them going, as she ignored them.

Ryan and Esposito shrugged helplessly and left, knowing they didn't stand a chance if their boss had made up her mind. Castle would have just kept annoying Beckett until she finally caved in. But the two detectives knew they didn't have that kind of power over her, only Castle did.

Secretly watching them leave, she waited until the elevator doors closed behind them before she made her way over to the break room to get a fresh cup of coffee. She didn't want to stay a minute longer than absolutely necessary at the precinct, some irresistible force urging her back to the loft, back to him.

Her departure the night before had been awkward. Kate knew she couldn't expect everything to be fine just because she and Alexis had talked things through. One thing she had learned during her sessions with Dr. Burke was; everything was a process. It would take time to earn Alexis' trust back, but they had cleared the air, set the stage for a fresh start and gained a new understanding, which made so many things seem possible that had been out of reach just a day ago.

Castle had been fast asleep when she'd left. Kate hadn't the heart to wake him, he looked so peaceful and at ease, so she had quietly sneaked out of his room with the unspoken promise to return the next day.

While collecting her coat and shoes, Alexis had breezed down the stairs to get herself something to drink, asking Kate if she would be back tomorrow and nodding in approval when she heard the Detective's affirmation. Turning around to say goodnight to Martha she had caught Castle's mother studying her with an expression she could only describe as one of pride. Martha hadn't said anything though, just wrapped the younger woman in her arms and whispered, "Until tomorrow," before letting her go.

The Detective was once again pulled from her thoughts when Gates poked her head through her office door, "Beckett? A word."

Nodding she stood up, collecting her reports and glancing at her watch, Kate hoped the meeting wouldn't ruin her plans. Hoping feverently there was no new case Gates needed her to work on.

Castle stared at the ceiling, wondering about the strange wood patterns and why they made these funny little circles at the end of each segment. Was there meaning behind it or was it just because it looked nice?

"Mr. Castle?"

He turned his head around towards the man sitting opposite him, "Where did you get these wood panels?" he asked, earning a puzzled look from the other man.

"Mr. Castle, I hardly doubt you are here to talk about the interior," he gave his patient a pointed look, "Let's get back to your relationship with Detective Beckett."

Castle turned his attention to his therapist, thoughtfully choosing his next words, "I don't know what it is, there's just something about her. I feel this connection, as if we have a history."

"You told me you've been working with her for three years, so it's only natural that you would have a history, even though you don't remember it at this point."

Castle shook his head, impatient because he had no idea how he was supposed to make him understand when he himself had no clue what it was about her, about them. "No, there's more. It's more than that."

"And could there be a possibility these feelings are new?"

"No," Castle's voice was firm, certain, "This is not new. It sounds crazy but I know it's not new."

"So what do you think you two are?"

"I don't know," he said, staring past the therapist, focusing on the long line of books assembled in a gigantic bookshelf. "I don't know what we are."

"Mr. Castle, what you are going through is, at the very least, confusing, if not a life changing experience. This can make it hard to determine which feelings are real and which are born from the desire to belong somewhere or to someone. There is a chance these feelings come from the desire to feel connected again. To have a relationship which is not embedded in your family."

"You mean I'm making this up?" Castle asked, irritated.

"What I'm trying to say is, because of your memory loss, you might look for connections that aren't there. That those feelings might appear stronger than they actually are, since you have nothing to compare them to."

"I have feelings for my daughter and my mother," Castle defended, not willing to give up whatever it was he felt for Kate. Not without a fight. Not when her presence made him feel the way it did.

"It's a very positive sign you feel this strong bond toward your family, many patients who suffer from memory loss have major problems reconnecting with their families, but still; it's a connection you were born with, while all other relationships in your life have been individually sought by you and grown over time. There's a difference."

He didn't want to talk about this, really didn't want someone to try and steal her away, and for him it felt that this was exactly what his therapist was trying to do. He was trying to take Kate away from him, and that would be taking away his lifeline, he needed her.

Sensing his discomfort the therapist sat at the edge of his chair, closing the distance between him and his patient, "Mr. Castle I didn't say it has to be like this, but I want you to be open to the possibility. Your situation is complicated enough as it is, and we don't want to add false expectations to it." He paused and looked at his notes once more. "I know you came here to try hypnosis therapy today, but since you are still suffering from severe headaches we need to postpone until they relent."

Castle's shoulders sank, he had been so hopeful, and now there was more waiting. He needed to get his memory back, he was tired of waiting.

"You will get there. Give yourself time." His therapist said in this calm tone only someone of his profession could muster.

Sighing Castle got up and extended his hand, "Yeah not much else for me to do, anyway."

Of course Kate had to stay longer than she had intended, going over every detail of the case, again and again until Gates was satisfied. When she finally left the precinct Esposito and Ryan were long gone. She had wanted to stop at her apartment before she made her way over to the loft, but decided against it, not willing to waste any more time.

Martha opened the door for her and Kate immediately sensed something was wrong, "Kate, good, you're here," Castle's mother seemed genuinely relieved as she pulled her son's partner into the loft.

"What happened?" Kate asked, instantly worried.

"It's Richard," Martha sighed and guided Kate towards the couch, pulling her down to sit next to her, "He's in a really bad mood today."

"Why?" Kate asked, shrugging off her scarf, placing it on the arm rest next to her.

"I'm not sure. He's not talking about it. He saw his therapist today, and really hoped he could start the hypnosis therapy they recommended, but apparently he has to wait until his headaches settle down. He didn't take it well, but he refuses to talk about it."

Kate frowned, now more than a little worried, "Where is he?"

"On the roof top, probably staring into space," Martha rolled her eyes, "He went up there after another fight with Alexis. That was two hours ago and he doesn't want to speak to, or see anyone."

"How's Alexis doing?" Kate asked, she could only imagine how hard this was for his daughter.

"I told her it would be best if she spent the night with Paige, give them both some space to get their bearings." Martha looked heartbroken, "It's so hard for her."

Kate nodded, reaching out to place her hand over Martha's, "I think you did the right thing."

"Kate, can I ask you a favor?" Martha looked at the younger woman in front of her who had been such a great support over the past days, unsure if she could really ask her for more.

"Of course Martha, anything," Kate squeezed Martha's hand to reassure her, knowing that whatever was on her mind would be okay with Kate.

"I have this business dinner tonight. It's about money for the acting studio and I would cancel it if it wasn't so important and -," she took a deep breath, "I really need to get out of here for a while, but I don't want to leave him alone like this."

Kate smiled, "Go, I'll stay here. I'm not on call and I don't have to go into work tomorrow, so you just go and try to enjoy your evening."

"Are you sure?"

Kate nodded in affirmation and stood up, pulling Martha with her, "I'm sure."

"Thank you, darling." Martha and started for the door, turning around once more she said, "Maybe you could try to get some food into him, he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast."

Kate chuckled and seeing Martha's questioning eyes she explained, "Normally it's the other way around."

"So I've heard," Martha smiled back with one raised eyebrow. "You have my number, so if… ."

Kate didn't let her finish, "We'll be fine Martha, don't worry."

Reaching for the Detective's hand, the older woman squeezed it once more, "Thank you, Kate."

She stepped onto the rooftop of Castle's building, out into the cold, dark night, the noises of the city reaching her from a distance. Numb that's how it felt and she wondered if he felt the same. Numb. She turned around and spotted him standing a couple of feet away, staring into space just as Martha had predicted. Tentatively she closed the distance between them, unsure if she should reach out to him, she decided to make her presence known first, not wanting to startle him.

"Castle?" her voice was soft, almost a caress, but he didn't turn around, just kept staring into the night sky.

"I heard this song today," he suddenly spoke, his voice gruff and sad. "It's about a man lost in space, not knowing how to find his way back home. His family is waiting, but he just can't figure out how to come back to them. How to be the man they think he is."

"Rocket Man," she whispered, remembering the Elton John song from so many years ago.

"Yes, like a Rocket Man, that's how I feel," he finally turned around and what she saw in his eyes, broke her heart. He looked utterly lost and helpless.

"Castle," she whispered and he looked at her, raising his shoulders and letting them fall again in a desperate gesture.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted.

It only took her a second to close the remaining distance between them, wrapping her arms around his middle and pulling him close. Kate had forgotten about his injury, but judging by the way his good arm crushed her to his chest, he didn't care either. Her head tucked under his jaw, her slightly parted lips at his throat, while he buried himself into her hair, as they breathed each other in. Kate registered that the situation would normally be way too intimate for the two of them, but didn't care. Anything. Anything to make him feel better.

She didn't know how long they stayed wrapped up in each other's arms when he made her chuckle, "You smell like cherries."

"Yes, I do." She simply confirmed and stepped out of their embrace only to reach for his hand, "Come on," she tugged him forward, "Let's get back inside. It's freezing out here."

He followed, watching her lead the way down the staircase until they were back on his floor. She opened the door with the key Martha had given her before leaving and he frowned, "Your mother has gone out to attend a business dinner."

"You mean she fled like my daughter," he replied defeated, sounding bitter. She was not used to him sounding bitter. In fact she had only heard this tone once, after the book signing in the fall, when for a second she'd feared she had lost him.

"Castle, don't." She shook her head at him while entering the loft, "I think a little bit of space will do you all good."

He didn't answer, just followed her into the kitchen where she signalled him to have a seat.

"What do you want to eat?" she asked already poking her head into the fridge to see what she could come up with.

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled, staring out of the window.

She regarded him for a moment, before she closed the fridge and stepped closer to him, "You have to eat."

"I don't want to," he retorted, sounding like a stubborn child.

"It's not a suggestion." She simply stated and filled a pot with water, placing it on the stove.

Dinner was ready 20 minutes later and while in the beginning still reluctant, Castle finally seemed to give up his hunger strike and ate the pasta Kate had made.

"This is good," he finally admitted and found her smiling back at him.

"Good to know," she accepted the compliment, mainly just pleased he was eating.

They ate in silence for awhile and Kate was struggling, could she ask him what had him so upset? She sensed there was more to his mood than the postponed hypnosis therapy. But before she could make a decision Castle yawned and got up from his chair, taking his plate and placing it into the sink.

"I'm tired," he said and looked sorry, he didn't want to end their evening like this, but the days events had taken a toll on him.

Kate nodded, "Go ahead. I'm cleaning up and then I'm coming for your injection."

He nodded, not even protesting the injection as he made his way through the office and into his bedroom, her eyes following him. She wished there was more she could do for him, but had no idea where to start.

His eyes were on her the second she walked through the door, but in contrast to the previous nights her appearance did not lighten his mood, and she noticed.

Walking around the bed and coming to stand next to him she waved her hand at him, "Scoot over."

He raised an eyebrow at her, but did as he was told, watching her sit on the edge of his bedside, facing him.

"What's going on?" She asked and studied him closely.

"Nothing, I'm just... I really would have liked to try the hypnosis today," he shrugged. She wasn't buying it.

"Somehow I have the feeling there's more. What did the therapist say?" He avoided her eyes, looking past her. Her hand came to rest on his thigh, which caused him to look at her involuntarily. "Rick, what did he say?"

"He said," Castle swallowed, unsure it was safe to reveal so much, "He said I might feel things which aren't real."

"What kind of things?" she frowned.

"Things," he avoided her question.

"Is this about Alexis and Martha?" She started guessing now.

"No," he shook his head, "No, not them. It's all so… What if I never remember? How am I suppose to know what's real and what's just in my head?"

"Castle, you will remember. You just have to give yourself some time." Her hand on his thigh squeezed gently, without her even noticing.

"But what if I don't?" He was working himself up now, "Kate, I have a daughter and I don't remember a single thing about her. How I felt the day she was born, her first steps, her first smile and words. Nothing! What kind of father does not remember his own daughter?"

"Castle this is not your fault." It killed her to see him like this, doubting his skills as a father, when truly she had hardly ever seen a greater father than him.

"It doesn't matter whose fault it is. I'm the one who can't remember!"

"You will."

"What if I don't?" He looked at her desperate, willing her to tell him it was going to be alright.

"You will make new memories." She said quietly, "Alexis and Martha will tell you about the old ones and you will add new ones."

"What about us?" He asked, staring at her hand on his thigh and she suddenly understood what this was all about. He was doubting his feelings for her. She sighed and waited until he looked at her before she answered him.

"We will make new memories as well," she said gently.

"And the old ones?" he asked.

"If you don't remember, I'll tell you about them. I promise."

They gazed at each other, neither able to look away. His right hand reaching out and he half expected her to shy away, but she didn't. His hand came up, cupping her cheek, fingers sliding through her hair, when to his surprise she leant into the touch. Her left hand coming to rest over his, holding him in place, when she turned her face and placed a soft kiss on his palm.

"Don't doubt your feelings," she whispered, before she let go of his hand and rose, walking into the bathroom to get his injection.