CHAPTER 13

Two days later, despite the doctor's orders, her parent's wishes, and her own lack of energy, Petra packed her belongings and left home, heading back to Shiganshina. The scouts were set to be heading out the next morning, and she would be damned if she weren't there to greet them when they returned. To her surprise, when she made it to town later the next afternoon, the scouts were already returning. They hadn't even been gone a day.

"I thought they were supposed to be out for three days," she said, thinking out loud as she started toward the procession.

Elbowing her way to the front of the throng of onlookers, she looked up, studying the distant, somber faces of her friends. There were a few injured people here and there, but it didn't look like any dead had been placed in the wagons, so that was at least a relief. She studied the faces, scanning up and down the line for any sign of Levi's cold, grey eyes, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"No…" she pushed past a particularly burly man who grumbled at her to watch it, and rushed to the closest confidant she saw.

"Hanji!" she called. The squad leader didn't hear her. "Hanji!" Petra called again, and this time, Hanji's head whipped around in response. As soon as their eyes met, Petra knew something was wrong.

"What are you doing here?" Hanji blurted, stunned. She pulled her horse up to a stop, and looked down at Petra, mouth agape. She looked as if she were staring into the face of a ghost.

"Where's Levi?" Petra pleaded, looking up at the squad leader with desperation in her eyes.

Hanji's brow knit, and she looked away, disturbed. "You'll have to talk to Erwin."

"Why? What happened?"

Hanji kept her gaze trained in front of her as she spurred her horse forward once more. Apparently she had said as much as she cared to say on the matter.

Petra was mortified. It wasn't like Hanji to be so unforthcoming. She felt a hole in her chest that made her want to turn around and go home, but she couldn't do that. One part of her didn't want to know, but she needed answers. Running ahead, she found Erwin at the head of the column, and called his attention, just like she had Hanji.

"Erwin! Where's Levi?"

She was met with the same flabbergasted look Hanji had given her, though the weariness in Erwin's eyes went much deeper.

"Come back to headquarters with us. We can talk about it there."

By now, Petra's heart was in her throat. Something had gone horribly wrong, but she couldn't accept it. No, this was just a continuation of her nightmares. This amount of misfortune just could not be realistically possible. Forcing her composure, as these and other thoughts whirled through her brain, she hastened back to her horse, quickly remounted, and rushed to join the cavalcade.

"Petra?" A familiar voice piped up from the back of the supply cart next to which she rode. Turning her attention to the voice, she found Elsa, sitting along the edge, slumped over her own lap. She had a bandage wrapped around her head covering most of the left side of her face including her eye.

"Elsa?" Petra drew back, the sight shocking to behold. "What happened?"

A despondent smile appeared on Elsa's face as she looked away. "I lost my eye," she said with a dark chuckle.

Petra blinked, unsure how to respond. Eventually, she looked away. "I… I'm so sorry."

"Thank you." Elsa smiled softly and continued. "It could have been worse, I guess. I'm just thankful that most of us got back fairly unharmed. But what about you? How have you been? The commander told everyone you had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Is that true?"

"Yeah…" she said distantly, "that was a lie."

"I thought so. What was it really, then?"

"I'd rather not talk about it." A wave of despair hit her again like a runaway carriage. She looked down at the ground while choking back the threatening tears.

"It's okay, Petra. I don't know what happened to you, but everything will be okay. I promise."

"Thank you for the reassurance, but I'm not so sure you can promise me that."

Elsa cocked her head to the side, a quizzical look on the half of her face that Petra could see. "Why? What's wrong?"

Petra gave a stiff huff. "Where's Levi?"

"Captain Levi? Oh… I don't know."

"Is he dead?"

"I don't think so."

"Then where…? Never mind. The commander promised me an explanation back at headquarters, I'll just talk to him."

"It's probably just as well. He and the other officers had a different plan than the one he originally explained to the lot of us. He'll know better what actually happened."

The look she gave Elsa in response to that last comment was that of shock, anger and revulsion. For all the promises Erwin had made her when he'd come to visit, he'd violated the one he swore to uphold; that he wouldn't let anything happen to Levi. He'd made a plan of action that had directly put Levi's safety in danger and she could not forgive that.

Petra didn't say another word. She couldn't; not without her voice betraying her emotions. They rode together in silence the rest of the way back to the headquarters.

Petra refused to leave Erwin alone until he explained what had happened to Levi. She helped him unpack his supplies and get his horse into the stables, doing anything she could to more quickly get him into that office alone. He vehemently refused to say anything about it to her until then, and she couldn't wait much longer. The knot in her throat was becoming unbearable.

"So what happened," she demanded, once the doors were finally closed. Hanji had insisted on joining their meeting as well, and stood in the corner with her arms crossed over her chest. "Where's Levi."

Erwin leaned back in his chair, exhaustion clear on his features. "I don't know," he said finally, running a hand through his hair.

"What do you mean, 'you don't know?'"

"Can I ask you something, Petra, before we get any further into this?"

"I guess."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to see the Scouts' return. I didn't think you'd be back so soon, but here you are."

"Maybe I'm missing something, but shouldn't you be at home, resting?"

Petra paused, swallowing hard. "I'll explain myself once you tell me what happened to him."

The energy between them intensified as they stared each other down with stony faces.

After a while, Erwin let out a weary sigh. "The truth is, we don't know where he is. We're fairly certain he's still alive, but we lost track of him, and had to flee the area before we could organize a proper search."

"So… so you just left him out there?" She could hear her voice becoming shriller, but she couldn't stop it. "You left him out there with no food, no water and no protection?"

"It wasn't…"

"Why would you do that?!"

"Listen to me, Petra!" Erwin's voice boomed against the walls of the room. Petra recoiled back, but Hanji didn't flinch. "There was no other choice! We would have all been overrun by titans if we hadn't gotten out of there when we did!" He already felt ashamed and disgusted that he had left his friend out in the wilderness to fend for himself, but Petra blaming him for this cluster fuck brought his guilt to an all too real head. He would hate himself forever if something happened to Levi. But he'd made a choice for the rest of his men, and he was prepared to live with the consequences, no matter what they may be.

"I talked to Elsa before we got back here. She said you and the other officers had different plans than what they were told in the briefing? Why? What were they?" The knot in her throat had grown to uncomfortable proportions.

Hanji spoke up now. "It was my idea. They all just went along with it." Petra, who now sat in the chair in front of Erwin's desk, spun in her seat, staring incredulously. "Our actual goal for this expedition was to capture a titan and bring it back for research. It wasn't anyone's fault that Levi got separated from the group except his own."

"What happened?" Petra's voice cracked terribly.

"I acted as the bait, luring the titan into the forest," the squad leader started, "Levi was to chase it to make sure nothing went wrong, and to fend off any other titans that might come by and interrupt our operation. I am assuming he was ambushed, because we found a much larger titan than the one we were chasing wedged between two tree trunks about thirty or forty meters off the path we had taken. He never signaled, most likely because he was forced to quickly react, and wouldn't have had the time. So like I said, it's his own damn fault he's missing."

Petra could barely see through the tears that now obscured her vision. Turning back to Erwin, she opened her mouth to speak, but the knot in her throat made it difficult. Her hands covered her face, trying desperately to mask the gross, ugly memory that had begun to reveal itself through her contorted features. "Erwin…" her voice had become a tiny squeak, like that of a field mouse. Taking a deep breath, she struggled to compose herself. "I just lost my baby three days ago. I can't lose him too." She gasped on a loud sob that shook through her entire body. She couldn't stop it any more. The pain had emerged, and it flowed like a river crashing through a dam.

Erwin's expression changed then, transforming from hostile to pained instantaneously. "I'm so sorry, Petra." He looked just as hurt as she felt. Only Erwin noticed the similar expression on Hanji's face, as she turned her gaze to the floor.

"Do you believe he's still alive?" Petra croaked.

Erwin stared at her, his eyes intense as he thought it over. He considered Hanji, who said nothing, only stared back with a resolute gleam in her eye, mouth twisted into a determined frown. Looking back to Petra once more, he said finally, "Yes."

"Then we have to find him."

Erwin nodded then and stood, plans already formulating in his mind.

"Going out now would be too dangerous," he said, his voice indicating that distant aura that enveloped him when he was inside his own head, calculating. "We'll have to wait until morning. If we leave early, just as we did today, we might be okay."

"Commander, with all due respect, we're going to make another entire expedition to find one person?" Hanji questioned, brows knit with concern. "I know it's Levi, but that's pretty extreme."

"No. This will be a small search party of only a few people. We need to be as discreet as possible. We'll draw too much attention if…"

"I'm going too." Petra interrupted. Erwin turned, looking at her like she had a second head.

"Petra, it's too dangerous and you're still recovering." Erwin could tell, just by the way her body was tensed, that talking her out of it would be pointless. But he had to try.

"I don't care! I feel fine, so I'm going, and that's that."

"You don't trust us to do it alone?"

"I trust you entirely. But I want to be there when you find him. I need to see him, and he needs to see me."

He considered her for a moment before he finally nodded his submission. He could understand that line of thinking. It was stupid, reckless, and potentially dangerous, but understandable.

"Very well. But I'll not be taking responsibility for your health if we get back and you're any worse for the wear because you aren't fully recovered."

"I wouldn't expect you to."

Erwin nodded once more before he went on. "The forest where we lost him is about three or four hours out from the wall," he reiterated to Petra. "We'll leave tomorrow at five a.m. Earlier if you can manage it."

"I'll have my horse saddled by four," she stated.

"I'll be there too," Hanji added.

"Good. I'll see you then," he said with a nod, dismissing the two of them.

Hanji and Petra left his office then, and he slumped back in his seat with a weary sigh. The day's events had worn on him terribly. Although no one had been killed on this latest expedition, the loss of Levi was almost as detrimental as losing an entire flank of soldiers. The search mission tomorrow would be extremely risky, but would work if they avoided titans. Even so, there was no guarantee they would even find him, and even then, find him alive. Levi was a survivor though. All of the shit he'd gone through in his life had proven one thing, and that was how resilient Levi could be. But even in the worst-case scenario, Levi deserved better than to be left out in the wilderness to survive on his own. Even if he were dead, his body didn't deserve to end up like that. If it came down to it, Erwin would sacrifice himself even if just to have a body to bury. But he didn't want to think that way. Levi was alive. He was certain of it, and they had to get him back, no matter the cost.

The air was wet with dew and fog, but she urged her horse forward, requesting as much energy and speed as he could muster. Petra missed this horse, and was thankful that he'd made it back safely with the last expedition. An extra horse, fully packed with an extra set of gear, extra food and water ran along side of her, connected by a single rope.

Erwin had asked Mike to join them, and Hanji had offered Moblit the opportunity, but also assured him that she would understand if he didn't want to risk his life in titan country again so soon. In the end, Erwin and Hanji were the only ones, besides Petra, willing to go on this suicide mission. They rode ahead of Petra, like ghosts in the early morning fog, but she had no trouble keeping pace. Yes, she was still a bit uncomfortable due to her recovery, but she didn't complain. Her harness dug into her thighs and pulled and stretched around her torso while she rode. It was a nice, refreshing sort of sensation that she had missed so desperately the last few months.

Surprisingly, she was still capable of using the gear successfully. She hadn't gotten too flabby, to her relief. She'd pulled off a few practice maneuvers in the evening just to re-familiarize herself with the methods of use. Thankfully, to her relief, it was just like riding a bicycle.

As they traveled, Petra gazed out across the land, watching as long shadows began to grow out of the darkness of night into the silhouettes of morning. The fog had finally lifted, and Hanji and Erwin, who had remained silent the entire journey, pressed on ahead of her.

"How close are we, Commander?" Petra shouted from the back of her horse. She saw Erwin glance at her over his shoulder, but he said nothing.

Hanji slowed her pace to match Petra's.

"Do you see that thin, dark line on the horizon?" she said, pointing forward.

Sure enough, Petra could see the tree line of a vast forest looming in the distance.

"That's where we lost him. But I wouldn't worry. He's got enough survival smarts to know to stay put. If we head to the place where we found that titan, we'll be sure to find him."

"Are you sure?"

"It's only been a day. He'll be fine." Hanji's smile was reassuring, but Petra's worries wouldn't abate. What if he had been killed? What if a titan had attacked and he'd been forced to flee, and gotten lost? The forest was mostly uncharted; it was entirely possible. They would never find him if that happened. Not to mention, if any titans moved in while they searched, it would all be over. Would the three of them return tomorrow if that happened? They knew they couldn't give up, and she wouldn't stand for it if they did.

They rode for another twenty minutes or so before they reached the tree line. Unable to wait any longer, Petra pushed ahead. She didn't know where she was going, but she didn't care. Making for the trees, her gut twisted in her body, anticipation driving her, her muscles tensed to spring at any moment.

Suddenly, she heard something hiss through the air and pelt the ground close by to her left. When she reared back to see what had made the noise, she saw an arced green pillar of smoke reaching its translucent arm from a small, freshly formed crater of upturned earth, all the way up to a high tree branch just on the edge of the forest.

Her face lit up as her heart skipped a beat, and she leapt from her horse, the maneuver gear propelling her upward into the trees.