Angel's Grace
By ElveNDestiNy
Disclaimer: Please see the previous chapters. No copyright infringement intended.
Thirteen: Messengers
"Angels are spirits, but it is not because they are spirits that they are angels. They become angels when they are sent. For the name angel refers to their office, not their nature. You ask the name of this nature, it is spirit; you ask its office, it is that of an Angel, which is a messenger."
— St. Augustine
I was running, my breath coming in harsh pants from my burning lungs, and my heavy legs refusing to provide the speed that my mind demanded. I saw Miruko ahead of me in flashes, like a reassuring beacon and didn't bother yelling for him to run. Our new lives were filled with the deafening roars of warfare. We had grown used to communicating in all the more primitive ways, in the expressions of fear and instinct that charged every exchange with crucial information. I reached out and grabbed his hand as I passed him, forcing him to follow me as best he could while behind us the world was shattering into pieces.
My heart was pounding so fast that it felt like it would burst from my chest. Miruko's hand was ice cold in mine, but neither of us looked back. There was nothing to see but war-torn land, and I knew without a doubt that some of Miruko's friends hadn't survived this latest attack. Later, I knew I would remember the glimpses I had seen, the loose-limbed body on dusty rubble, and later I would remember who it was. But right now there was no time to mourn. Not unless we wanted to join them in death, and despite the hell we had been thrust into, I had learned that the human survival instinct could override almost any horror.
Another bomb exploded near us and I thrust Miruko behind me as we both crouched down instinctively. I barely had time to throw up my free arm to shield my face before the wave of flame and heat swept over us. It was agonizing, but my pain tolerance had developed to a high threshold.
Even so, a short cry worked its way past my throat at the sudden white-hot pain in my right arm, as if something had cut deeply into it while simultaneously burning it. I bit down on my lip, ignoring the tears stinging in my eyes. I smelled burned flesh, my stomach lurching. I couldn't see past the smoke but it was a good thing because it meant that no one else could see us.
In the confusion I had briefly let go of Miruko's hand, sparking a moment of panic in me, but I grabbed it again. I told myself to ignore the rapidly cooling blood that first made our linked hands slippery and then seemed to bind them together with stickiness. An injured arm was better than an injured leg. I could still run, and running was living.
"On three, okay Miruko?"
I sensed his readiness rather than saw it and we waited, the seconds passing by sluggishly, before we burst forward together. Adrenaline pumped through my body as we sought a better hiding place. The smoke was all around, invading my lungs, blinding me with ash and heat.
I heard Miruko's sharp gasp even as I felt his hand violently torn from mine. I stopped immediately and turned around, trying to see him through the grey smoke. I found his indistinct shape on the ground but beyond my initial fear for his safety, I felt as if there was something else vaguely wrong.
Kneeling next to him, I realized that the eyes that met mine were more blue than grey, and the hair too dark. For a moment I thought that I had pulled the wrong child along with me, that it wasn't my brother before me at all. But this one, he was my brother as well, and something gnawed at the edges of my consciousness.
Of course the boy in front of me wasn't Miruko, because I had seen Miruko die right before my eyes eight days ago. Or was it nine?
"Mokuba," I whispered, and then the grey edges of the world around me darkened further, and I felt myself spinning helplessly into yet another heart-wrenching dreamscape.
o o o
I was kissing him, exploring the taste of his mouth, my hands gliding over hot, bare skin. I had never wanted anyone, anything, as much as I wanted him. The room was bright, the sunlight pouring across his skin, and I paused for a moment when my hands encountered soft cloth. He was wearing what I could only describe as robes, something that looked like a cross between a monk's garb and the minimal clothing artfully draped on the marble sculptures of the Greek gods and goddesses.
Seeing him sprawled half on his side, propped up on one elbow and watching me with those appreciative eyes, I couldn't focus on anything else. As strange as it all was, I felt no alarm. Instead, I slipped the edges of the robes off his shoulders so that the cloth pooled around his waist. The bedroom was almost white, the stream of brilliant light turning everything to rose and gold, as if it could penetrate past the skin and straight to the heart.
But even as I filled my gaze with that lean, muscled body, a figure stepped into the room through a doorway that hadn't been there just moments before. The stranger was beautifully androgynous, with tawny, pixie-style hair on a pointed face and huge green-gold eyes, reminding me of a cat. More strikingly, there were brilliantly white wings that now took on the golden hues of the room, until it almost seemed as if the angel glowed.
"Who are you?" Having seen both Asriel and Ariel, and having compared myself to them, I thought I had a good idea of what angels were like. But this one looked more like a Shakespearean Puck than a Raphael wielding a flaming sword.
"I am your messenger, in place of Asriel." The angel spoke perfectly normally, unlike Asriel with his archaic speech. I was relieved by what he said, but only minimally. Generally when I saw another angel, it was when either there had been a death or one was imminent.
"Okay, so who are you?"
"I am brother to Asriel, he who has guided you thus far, but it matters not, for all angels are brethren."
Hearing Asriel's name for the second time made me sit up straighter and I suddenly remembered what I had forgotten about my first and last visit to Above, the whiteness and light that seemed to banish even the memory of shadows. Except, as I recalled, you only went Above when you were dead.
Seeing my hesitation, the angel regarded me with thoughtful eyes. "I am Anafiel," he said finally, and I belatedly looked toward Seto to see what he was making of all of this, only to find that he wasn't there. One moment he had been besides me, and the next he had disappeared.
Anafiel saw my look of confusion and alarm. He shook his head slightly, as if pitying me. "He should not be here, but he is in contact with your body on Earth. The bond is very powerful between the two of you. Asriel has allowed you far too much freedom."
I bristled at the unsubtle censure, and swung my legs over the side of the bed, standing so that I faced Anafiel. He was shorter than me, a fact that didn't give me much comfort, since he looked more dangerous than he should have, with his narrow shoulders and lithe, slender build. "What am I doing here and what's the message?"
"You cannot have him, Amelda, and return," Asriel said gravely. "You are of Heaven and he is of Earth. There are places where even angels fear to tread."
"What do you mean?" I was starting to get a little angry, unfamiliar as Anafiel was, but even as my unease increased, it was as if there was a wall between myself and my emotions. I was alarmed, but only distantly. The rest was cool rationality. It felt forced, the same feeling as when you go to the dentist for a painful procedure, but receive anesthesia. Some part of my mind was aware that I should be feeling much more.
"Angel and mortal need each other, it is in the nature of the bond. But the two cannot be confused, must not be confused. Need is not want, Amelda, and should not be. You will not be able to be by his side forever, for you must return Above once your task is completed."
I suddenly saw where this was all going. "Wait, let me make something absolutely clear. I won't leave him. I swore to protect him and I'm his guardian angel. You guys were the ones that made me so, remember?"
I glared at him when he was silent in response to my outburst. "'A bond is for-ever,'" I quoted at him, "or did I only imagine that part?"
There was slight sorrow in Anafiel's face and I would have been more comfortable with any other emotion, even condescension. "Your immediate presence on earth was to find and rid Seto Kaiba of the demon, that which was connected to him. A bond is indeed for-ever, but angels are but messengers, Amelda, and you will need to return to your true home. Asriel should have made that clear to you."
"I don't understand, the bond itself makes it unbearable to be away from him." I glared at the angel accusingly, but again, frustration seemed to slip away from me, so I turned to reason. "Why build in the compulsion if we have to be separated? Is that torture supposed to be part of the nature of angels as well?"
The problem was that Anafiel was equally reasonable. "Amelda, once the pressing danger is gone, the nature of the bond changes as well. Did you expect it to be so inflexible? It is strongest only at the beginning, but once the angel accepts the duty of protecting the bonded mortal, free will is restored."
"So now I no longer need to stay by his side?" I hadn't noticed it, but as I searched my memory, I realized that what Anafiel said was true.
"Did you not leave Seto Kaiba for a time, ignoring the connection between you, and suffering no ill effects? There was no danger present at that time, therefore you were able to do so." Anafiel took my hands in his and I let him.
"This has been hard for you, Amelda. For that, I am sorry."
I drew my hands away in irritation, but he caught at them again. From that small connection, a sense of calm spread over me and melted away all thoughts of resistance. Anafiel looked at me intently with his oddly attractive face. "Unlike myself, Amelda, you are not what we would call a true angel, one who was directly created and who knows no other life, no other role for which to exist. As a transformed angel, you have had to suffer as humans do. You continue to suffer still, bound to human emotions, but once you return, you will be free."
It was not a freedom I wanted. I was sure of that at least, no matter what Anafiel said. "And what if I simply refuse to return? Isn't that an expression of my free will, too?"
He seemed to have been expecting that response as well. I hated how he seemed to be able to read my mind, but the momentary hate slipped away when I realized how much easier it was for him to communicate with me. He knew me more intimately than I knew myself, or did he? "Your wings will be clipped, and you will become almost as a mortal again, earth-bound, without flight." Anafiel said it all in a curious tone, neither making it seem like a punishment, nor sounding as if it were really a choice.
"I become human again?" I asked, just to be sure. It seemed too good to be true, but the reserve in Anafiel's eyes stopped me from hoping.
"No, Amelda. You have become an Angel, nothing will change that. You will be an exile, caught between two worlds. Once you have tasted the joy of flight, the wind no longer feels the same, even in its most innocent caress on your face. So it would be for all your angelic nature, caught in a human world. In time, it may become unbearable."
I struggled to answer Anafiel but I was beginning to feel lightheaded. There was a sensation like the sunlight was trying to crawl up my veins, frightening and painful, but not quite real.
"And Seto? What would happen to him? Would I be able to ever see him, if I were to return to Above?"
Anafiel let go of my hands and I suddenly found myself collapsing back onto the bed. Visions of black and gold fireworks were starting to fill my head, and the burning in my body was increasing. Like before, it didn't hurt, but it felt as if it should have, as if I was actually in incredible agony. Somehow I knew that whatever medicine or trick of power it was, it would soon begin to wear off.
"I cannot lie, Amelda. If you return to Above, you will always be able to see him. You will still be his guardian, but a man's greatest danger is but himself, and together you have defeated his demon." Anafiel reached out and brushed a strand of hair back from my face almost tenderly. His fingertips rested on my forehead for a moment. "You would not forget, Amelda, but all the others would. It would be painless for all the humans who have been involved. They would continue on with their lives, never quite remembering the presence of an angel in their lives. No harm would come of it."
"No harm?" I murmured.
"You must also consider. If you return Above, there are other loved ones here that you will see, your brother and your parents, and all those you have once lost to death."
"Miruko," I said, heart beating faster. "I would see him?"
"You have seen him before, have you not?"
"And would Seto forget?" I thought of all the highs and lows of our relationship, the pain that it had brought to both of us. I remembered the month and a half of separation, which had seemed to drag on for so long. I remembered its end and the joy I had felt, not so long ago, at the fulfillment of my deepest, dearest dream.
"Yes, he would forget everything. It would be as if he never met you again after your death. What you have done for him, though – that will remain unchanged. He is a different person because of what you have been in his life."
"So how can he forget?" I whispered. "How can it all be erased like that?"
"Because life is a slate, Amelda, and the stories we write on it are but written in chalk. It is ever changing, ever ephemeral. But some, which touch the heart so deeply, are never fully erased. He will not remember you, but he will remember what he has learned from you."
"No…" I denied it. The thought was too frightening, too hurtful, to think about. As if responding to the emotional distress, I knew I was only hanging on to my consciousness by my fingertips. "No, it can't be."
"Close your eyes, Amelda," Anafiel whispered, a touch of command in his voice, and I obeyed instinctively, feeling myself slide into nothingness once again.
And could have cried when I realized it was reality, and earth, that waited for my return.
o o o
"I'm okay," I said as soon as I opened my eyes, because I felt panic and concern radiating in waves toward me, and I realized quickly that the upper part of my body lay in someone's lap. "I'm okay, I'm fine."
"Amelda?" Mokuba and Seto were staring at me like they thought I had died, which was funny until I realized that, considering the circumstances, they might not be too far from the truth.
I opened my mouth to answer but at that moment all the pain that had been blocked out returned in one shocking moment. My hands were burning again, I felt like there was some corrosive acid in my blood, waiting to eat its way out of me. My body convulsed, my hands flexing, grabbing and crushing what was in them. A moment later, I let go of Mokuba, sending a silent apology to him with a quick look. As I examined myself, I realized that I looked outwardly as fine as I had been claiming – not burned like I was feeling.
Even if Seto couldn't see it, though, he could feel my pain. I quickly blocked it off from the bond and tried to look around. I was back in Seto's room, so that was a plus. No sign of the demon, although the circle was still on the floor, along with the overturned black bowl and what looked like burn marks where there should have been spill marks. "What happened?"
Before I had my reply, I saw a doorway appear over Seto's shoulder where there should have only been a wall. I started cursing.
Anafiel walked through. Seto and Mokuba turned to look at him as if they couldn't believe what they were seeing, and indeed, he looked even better on earth than he had Above. He was all tawny and gold, and even his skin shone like there was golden glitter on it, although I was sure that if I rubbed it, nothing would come off but a few skin cells. If true angels had skin cells, that is. I wondered if they had hearts.
After a bare moment of astonishment, Seto and Mokuba turned back to me. I felt like a pigeon being compared to an eagle.
"Now what do you want?" I demanded, glaring at Anafiel. Whatever anger-blocking tactics were used before seemed to have completely disappeared now. "I thought we were done with the cryptic instructions? Or are you coming to tell me a few more rules I didn't know about, after I've apparently broken them?"
"I am not a messenger for you," Anafiel replied calmly. "I have told you what you must know, Amelda. It is your human that I have come to speak with."
"Who are you?" Seto shot at Anafiel before either of us could say anything else. Anafiel's attention turned completely to him and for a moment Seto looked stunned, as if the full weight of those green-gold eyes rendered him slightly awestruck. I inwardly fumed. No doubt it was another angelic power that I knew nothing about. Or maybe Anafiel was just that awesome, literally.
"You will need to let Amelda go, once he tells you the entirety of it," Anafiel said. I nearly snorted. Typical of an angel to drop in, say a few completely ambiguous phrases, and then fly off without explaining anything.
"What entirety? You didn't even explain it to me that well," I said. Anafiel arrogantly ignored me and turned back toward the doorway. I jumped up to stop him, but even as I reached out it was too late. The angel calmly passed through and my hands met nothing but solid wall. At least he had kept his words to Seto short and hopefully forgettable. Still, Anafiel was the kind of person—or angel—that was hard to forget after even one encounter.
I cursed some more while Seto and Mokuba looked at me bemusedly.
"What was all that about?" Seto asked. I didn't even know where to start, but now that I had really looked at myself, I realized I was covered with brownish dried blood. Mokuba saw my look of disgust.
"I'll go get some water so you can clean up," he volunteered. "Or do you want to take a shower first, if you're really all right?'
I shook my head. "I want to know what happened first, but some water would definitely be helpful." Mokuba nodded and left, but not before giving me a look that told me I shouldn't expect the water anytime too soon. He clearly wanted to give us some time and privacy to talk things over, except that was exactly what I didn't really want to do – not until I'd had some time to process it myself. But I couldn't get the message across to Mokuba with Seto right there and he was already gone before I could think of a more subtle way to do it.
"So how did I end up like this anyway?" As I asked, I took a closer look around the room, which was in a mess. "How long was I out?"
"Only for a few minutes, actually," Seto replied to my relief. "What's the last thing you remember?"
"Well…I think the demon was talking to us and I dumped the blood all over it to try to get it to stop. The blood felt like it was burning." It still did, actually, but Seto didn't seem to realize it, so I must have been doing a pretty good job of pretending otherwise.
Seto nodded unhappily, his eyes looking haunted again, just like they had before I'd lost consciousness. "The demon acted like it burned him too, and went on a rampage. I guess in life and death struggles, it can still override the Taser's effects, and we broke the protective barrier in order to cut him for the blood, remember?"
"Are you guys both all right?" I asked. They had both looked as if they had escaped unharmed, but it was stupid of me to assume. Besides, I wouldn't have put it past Seto to cover up any injury he could have sustained.
"Fine, Amelda. You were the one who dropped to the floor screaming and pleading for it to stop. It looked like the blood that was poisoning the demon was also getting rid of you too, and then you just passed out."
And scared the crap out of you, I thought. He didn't have to say it, I could see it in his face. Seto had thought that I was dying. I wanted to gloss over this part for now, so I deliberately didn't let him dwell on it. "So then what happened to the demon? Is it gone?"
"Banished, I suppose. Actually, it's kind of hard to tell. It was writhing on the floor but both Mokuba and I went toward you when it dropped, and then when I turned to look again it just seemed to burn into ash – but without any actual flames, at least none I could see. The only things left of it are those burn marks and smudges."
"So at least we got rid of it," I mused. "We must've done something right with the whole 'Triumviratus' ritual after all."
"But what happened to you, Amelda?"
I shrugged carefully. "I'm not sure, but I'm fine now. I guess I just had a bad reaction to the blood, too." I tried to smile at that, but Seto met my eyes, and the heat in his sharp gaze told me he hadn't missed a thing.
"You still feel it, don't you? Whatever the blood did to him, it's doing to you," he growled.
"I'm fine, Seto."
"Don't lie to me. The bond makes that pretty hard to do, doesn't it?"
"It's not like that. I'm still around, not turning to ash," I said. He still looked pissed and clearly knew that I wasn't telling the whole story. "All right, it does still feel like something's burning in my blood, but I'm fine as far as I can tell."
"Then what was that angel doing, and what did he mean?"
"Seto…" All I could do was tell him the truth. Part of it, anyway. "I have to think about this a little first, okay? I'm not sure what it all means yet, and it's too much to take at once."
Even with the bond pretty much closed down between us, the stiffening set of his shoulders told me that he was angry at my evasion. "You still don't trust me. Because of Seigo Tajima."
Truth to tell, Tajima hadn't been part of my thoughts at all, but I shrugged helplessly now. "I trust you, Seto, but it's more complicated than that."
My words lay heavily between us when he said nothing in reply. I took a seat on the bed while Seto continued to stand in front of me. The banishment of the demon should have felt like an accomplishment, but it didn't. The demon had planted a seed of doubt in Seto's mind, and thanks to the new information I had learned, I was only watering that seed.
The demon was gone, but he'd poisoned us all the same. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, another occurred to me. The burning I felt in my blood, was it also some kind of poison? Would it get worse or would it simply disappear, like a bad aftereffect? I swallowed heavily. What was it that the demon had said? Banish me and you banish yourself as well…
And now, thanks to Anafiel's 'message,' maybe it was true. He hadn't told me how much time I had left on earth; what if when the burning subsided, I was to be sent back Above? Or maybe the burning would continue until this body turned to ash here and I returned that way…and all Seto would know or think was that I died and left him. Maybe the fire I felt was holy fire or some kind of heavenly, cleansing thing. Maybe it was a good thing. Hadn't I felt as if it was sunlight flowing through me when I was Above?
But I knew for sure that the blood that ran in my veins looked as red and mortal as any human's. Enough of it had been spilled for me to have confirmed that. There had to be a difference though, why else would the banishment spell call specifically for the combination of angelic, human, and demonic blood?
"Is it true, Amelda?"
The sudden question and hand that reached out to rest on my shoulder made me give an involuntary jerk of surprise. Seto took his hand away carefully, taking my physical reaction as a sign of rejection.
"Is what true?" I remembered that he had been repeating the question over and over again, responding to whatever the demon had been telling him.
"That you'll leave now that the demon is gone."
I was looking down but Seto reached out to cup my chin, tilting my face upward so I had to meet his eyes. "Is it true?"
I reached out to wrap my arms around his waist, drawing him closer. The position was awkward so I slid forward until I sat on the edge of the bed, spreading my thighs so he could press closer to me. In other situations, it would have been suggestive, even seductive, but I wasn't thinking of that.
"A bond is for-ever," I whispered, cheek pressed against his ribs. "Nothing but death can break it."
Slowly he relaxed against me, his hands coming to cup my head, fingers threading through the red strands of my hair. "You make me desperate," he said softly. "If only you knew how much you mean to me."
"But I do know, Seto. I know."
My throat was tight with tears and a few slipped from my eyes, but with my face buried in his shirt, Seto didn't notice.
I knew I hadn't actually answered his question.
o o o
The next few hours were exhausting even for me. There were calls to make to Emerson and the others, a performance to cancel, and I had too much on my mind. I took a much needed shower – Mokuba had never actually showed up again – while the brothers cleaned up the room as best they could. The burning sensation didn't go away even under the warm water, but at least I was clean.
The wings were another matter. Blood had splattered on my feathers and I didn't know exactly how to get it out, unless I was going to try actually wetting my wings. In the end, Seto apparently had had the foresight some months ago to buy some kind of special solvent expressly for the purpose of getting blood out of feathers and other delicate things.
It was a painstaking process, complicated by the fact that I did it myself. Seto offered to help, of course, and even Mokuba would have helped, but I used the excuse that I needed to think to buy me some privacy. I did need to think, but it was also harder now to tune out the burning sensation because I thought it was getting worse. Even with the solvent, it took me a long time. I flexed my wing forward, confronted by the very things I didn't really want to examine closely.
An angel. That was what I was, not a normal human being anymore, not the Amelda I had been. I should have been used to it by now…being by myself, that is, not the angel part. After the war took away my parents, after Gozaburo Kaiba took away my brother, I had nothing. There was Doom, and Raphael and Varon, but things still changed in the end. Human relationships were built to fall apart, one way or another. But afterward, somehow Raphael and Varon hadn't left, and before I knew it, I had made a place for myself here. Friends that I had never thought possible to have were with me, and I was content in a way that I had never been before.
I finally felt as if I belonged somewhere. I had gone through my entire life without having any real ties to anyone. After Miruko, I simply realized that it was easier to be independent, but although it had been a decision at that time, it had shifted into a trap before I realized it. It was hard to admit, but I wanted a connection to someone.
So I had made one with Kaiba, on the idea of revenge. Not what you would think of as your typical loneliness-banishing relationship, but that was what it was, in some ways. Kaiba was a focus, he was a goal. I was closer to him in hate than I was to anyone else in any other emotional way.
Now… Raphael…Varon…Emerson and all my bandmates… Their names echoed in my head with a familiar ache, but none hurt more than the one that came next. Kaiba… Seto and Mokuba. They had come so dangerously close to my heart after all this time. All the little moments, even the ones that had hurt. Looking back, I realized that Kaiba never would have tolerated my constant presence if he hadn't had some feelings for me. From the beginning, there were always little signs. I'd just missed them, too wrapped up in the changes in myself to see how he was changing. He hadn't even put up much of a fight when I'd told him that I had to be close to him because of the bond. When had the infamous Seto Kaiba ever let anyone into his home?
Even through the worst of it, when I'd run away, I'd known at least that he was still there. Maybe he would be with someone else, maybe he wasn't even thinking of me, but he was there. Sometimes annoyingly so.
Only Kaiba had ever filled me with that kind of warmth and safety, only he had made me feel like I was complete. I wouldn't give that up.
But for all Anafiel's talk of free will, it didn't seem like I had a choice at all. I wished that I could have avoided the entire question and acted like nothing had changed, but Anafiel's repeated visits made it impossible. Seto had backed off for now, but only because I had implicitly promised to explain everything later. Besides, the burning sensation was as good as a ticking time bomb, and I was almost certain the 'cure' for it would be something like a return to Above. My true home, except everything in me told me that I had made my true home here, with everyone I cherished.
Had Anafiel's description of exile from Above really weakened my convictions so much? All the introspection only gave me a headache and made me more and more depressed.
It was night outside. I knew it was pure foolishness, but I felt like a caged animal, and I couldn't stand it any longer. I slipped outside, stopping only to leave a short note for Seto and Mokuba to reassure them that I hadn't disappeared. The cold air cleared my head a little, but didn't ease the heaviness of my heart. I almost wished that something would happen to me, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.
Banishing the demon had been the straightforward part, after all. I hadn't listened to the demon, but there was some truth to its words. By banishing him, I was banishing myself from Seto's side, because there was no longer any reason for my presence. Except one, the most important one to me: I loved him.
Back to the KaibaCorp Tower, not as difficult as it could have been because I had taken Kaiba's keycard with me. Still, I had to be careful not to set off any alarms, which wasn't too difficult since I wasn't actually trying to access any important areas. Kaiba would have used retinal scans for those. All I wanted to do was go back to the very top floor.
Once I was there, it looked like a toy map of the city was spread at my feet. The lights made everything lovely, the scene completely different from what I had experienced in the day. One thing was still the same though, the thinness of the air and the force of the winds.
I felt it against my feathers and gave in to the secret desire in my heart. I opened my wings and stepped off the tower, feeling the rush of adrenaline, the sudden panic-induced moment of clarity in my mind, when reflexes and instinct came together with only one goal, to continue survival.
All the world was the sky, and all the sky was freedom. No more thoughts to clutter my mind, no more doubts and fears in my heart, just unthinking bliss.
o o o
"Did anyone call 119?" "Shhh!!"
"It looked like a huge bird just fell out of the sky—" "You saw it too?"
"Should we call the police?"
Voices overlapped and rose above the ringing in my ears. I opened my eyes to see the face of a concerned woman leaning over me and thought, oh crap. Already, I could tell that there were more people gathering around me, even though I had not noticed many pedestrians before my untimely fall.
I remembered the rush I felt as I was falling, the unbearable pressure on my wings when I suddenly snapped them open at the last second, and then my realization that I had mistimed it. Stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Stupid to the point that I could barely believe that I had done it, even when I was facing the consequences now. Didn't I used to be afraid of heights?
Even as part of my mind was berating myself, another part was busily assessing the situation. I was fairly sure that I had at least cracked the bones of my right wing, if the sudden, shooting pain was any indication. What worried me more was that when I sat up, the circle around me actually enlarged as people took reverent steps back, something like awe in their eyes. It wasn't hard to guess what they were thinking. They had just seen an angel fall out of the sky.
How much time would I have before they decided that they should hold onto said angel?
As soon as that thought came, I realized I should be thankful that they were too busy pondering my wings to possibly recognize me as a singer from their local up and coming band. The very first thing I had to do was to get rid of the wings!
I closed my eyes briefly to shut out their faces and tried to concentrate so that I could make my wings vanish to their usual nearly imperceptible state. The burning feeling in my blood hadn't lessened after my fall and even ratcheted up another notch on the pain scale now, causing me to grit my teeth. That, along with my new self-inflicted injuries (stupid, Amelda!), made me realize that it wasn't going to happen.
When I opened my eyes, the four people around me were looking less awed and more concerned for my state of health. The woman looked as if she was getting ready to reach out to help me, the expression on her face a mix of wonder and determination. Oh crap, indeed. The Kaiba Corp. pin on the lapel of her classy suit made me want to curse Kaiba for actually picking smart employees. What was she doing here at night? Probably working late.
I gave her an unfriendly stare, which caused her to pause, but I knew it wouldn't hold her off for long. I had about two seconds to plan while I looked at her. When she reached forward again, I jumped to my feet and ran for it—
Or at least tried to. I found myself being held back and turned my head around to see that the woman had caught hold of my arm. We engaged in a brief tug-of-war that felt like she was more willing to break my wrist than to let me go. I managed to twist free, more from sheer strength than superior technique, and then I ran.
Shouts followed me, but it helped that I knew the surroundings quite well. It also helped that the people who had found me had frozen in disbelief at first having an angel fall to their feet and then seeing its spectacular retreat. The head start I got from their momentary shock and dismay was enough.
Five streets and various corners afterward, I bent over with my hands clutching my knees, panting for air. Adrenaline had fueled my sprint, but now I was shaky as I realized how very close I had actually cut it. What if I had actually been caught? What would I have done then, told the truth?
Everything hurt, my wing most of all. I had to get back to Seto and Mokuba, but flying was definitely out. That left walking and praying that I wouldn't run into many people out roaming downtown at night.
In trying to avoid my problems, I had only added to them. It was still depressing to realize what it was that bothered me the most. I was more angel than human. A human being wouldn't have tried the trick that I had; they would have simply died. It would have never occurred to them to go flying to release their frustration, not unless they meant it in a suicidal way. A human also wouldn't have the problem of hiding who, or what, they were. I could hide that part of myself and try to fit in with everyone else, but the fact was that I was different. I had been transformed.
What about Devastation? What would happen to the band if I disappeared—would their careers also be erased along with the memory of having known me? Would they find another singer? How could all things that had changed due to my existence be undone?
I had so many questions that I didn't have answers for. They expected me to make a decision, but I didn't even understand what the choices were, or whether I really had any. It seemed like no matter what I did, I would only end up losing everything. The only difference was how much I would hurt others that I cared about.
Pain-bearer, Seto had called me, or at least tried to deny it for me. When I had heard it, I had thought that it was the most awkward description that he could have chosen, but now I was starting to see why he had used those words. Was it really the purpose of angels to suffer for others' sakes?
I was happy that I had helped Seto and Mokuba. I was also happy that my bandmates had launched their careers and lives due in part to my abilities. Raphael had gotten closer to Varon now that I was no longer there to mediate between them and they were doing very well, too. I even made other people, random strangers that I would never meet, happier through my music. Despite all that, I couldn't get myself to be content with just knowing that everyone else was happy. Worse yet, according to Anafiel, if I was removed from the equation, they would continue being perfectly happy...
Maybe the most human thing left about me was my selfishness.
It was a very long walk back.
o o o
Mokuba was asleep, which was a slight blessing. On the other hand, Mokuba's presence might have been helpful in shielding me from the wrath of his brother, who seemed able to live without ever sleeping. It wasn't so much that Kaiba had felt anything through our bond from my escapades, since I had had the foresight to shut it down, but more the fact that he had been waiting hours for my return, after having discovered that I was missing.
To say the least, angry was really putting it lightly. Then he found out about the broken wing, and all I could think was that at least I had managed to leave out the part about jumping off a building. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of anything plausible to explain away the injury other than the truth—how else would one break a wing—so then Seto was angry about the fact that I wouldn't tell him where I had been, much less what I had been up to.
I managed to get away long enough that I cleaned up, although having ever-present wings made even simple tasks like taking a shower ten times as difficult as it should have been. The burning sensation had stabilized a little, although I hadn't figured out what it was or how to alleviate it. Afterward, I lay on my stomach in bed and listened to Seto, as I had promised I would. He sat on a chair about two feet away from the edge of the bed.
I couldn't do much but take it. I lay there and let all the guilt wash over me, hardly hearing him or really comprehending the words. After all, everything that he said were things that I had already thought about. I was thoroughly to blame, and we both knew it.
It wasn't until I felt a warm weight in the middle of my back and realized that he had put his hand on me that I also realized that he had stopped talking entirely. Seto seemed to be waiting for me to say something, but I had been lost in my thoughts and didn't know what he expected of me. I had apologized with all my heart, but I found the apology on my lips again, only for him to stop me.
"Amelda," he began. "You haven't heard anything I said, have you?"
I turned my head toward him, the side of my face pressed against the pillow, and saw an odd sideways picture of a Seto Kaiba that looked almost as if he felt helpless. Before I could react, he continued.
"It's not about you taking off. It's your time and it's not like you need my permission to leave." Here he stopped and gave me a rueful look. "Though it would have been nice if you had at least called, and or trusted me enough to tell me what happened. But you've been so distant, sometimes I wonder if you're here at all."
I started really listening to him at those words, my back tensing beneath his touch as I stopped myself from shuddering. He could not have chosen any words that would have made me more afraid. What did Seto mean by them? Did he feel that I was distant because I was an angel? Or distant because I had closed down our bond to give myself some privacy?
He saw the conflicted look in my eyes. "You know what I mean, then. Even when you're right here, it's like you're doing your best to draw away from me. There's no demon between us now, but I think you left tonight because you were running, and I know it has something to do with Anafiel and things you haven't told me."
"I need time to think about it," I said defensively, but the excuse was weak.
"Is it something that more thinking or time will help?" His voice was almost gentle, as if he thought he would spook me if he pressed harder. He was probably right. Sometimes Seto knew me better than I knew myself. He stroked his hand down my back, as if trying to coax a cat.
"I've been thinking, too," he said when the silence stretched on and it became clear that I would not reply. "The demon said you would leave, and it's true that now that it's gone, maybe your official purpose is fulfilled. Anafiel said I would have to let you go once you told me everything. I didn't want to even admit that it was a possibility, but the demon did do one thing: it made it clear to me what my fears were, because that's what it confronted me with. So I realized that not knowing at all was worse than knowing, even if knowing is painful too."
He was speaking so seriously, so calmly. I don't know how he did it, but I couldn't listen to him trace his suspicions to their logical conclusion. "Seto, stop. Some things are really better left unknown."
He took his hand from his back and spread them wide in a gesture of frustration. "Then what exactly is between us, Amelda? What's it worth, if you can't even tell me and if you think the only solution is for you to distance yourself from me?"
I shifted until I was sitting on the edge of the bed, not caring that the movements made my wing throb with renewed vigor. The position put us more on an equal level, but I still didn't know what to say. He was right. I'd taken it all on myself and shut him out, but it wasn't only my choice to make.
It may affect me the most, but I couldn't trust that it wouldn't affect Seto at all. I couldn't believe that Seto would truly be able to completely forget that I had existed, continuing to live his life as if nothing ever happened. Even if there was a type of magic strong enough, then it wouldn't be right to use it, to extract all of his memories and replace them with filler events.
"All right," I said softly. "You should know. But I want to ask you something first."
"Ask," Seto prompted when I lapsed into silence again. I was trying to think of how to do this.
"My wing is broken," I finally started. "But it's going to heal and probably be fine tomorrow. But what if my wings were really broken forever and I couldn't do anything for you? If I weren't your angel, would you eventually find someone else and fall in love again?"
Seto began to speak, clearly angry that I would even suggest it. I felt it in the sudden tension that overtook his body and in the way his heart raced. But before he could get more than my name out, I reached up with my hand and pressed my finger against his lips. My own heart was pounding and my fingers were icy cold. "No. Seto, I want you to think about it, to answer me honestly. If there's even the slightest possibility. It doesn't mean you love me any less, or change how much I love you."
I swallowed with difficulty and scooted to the very edge of the bed, so I was just perched. My wings were arched forward on either side of me, framing me so that it seemed the space between Seto and I shrank. I saw his expression soften as he thought about my question, his concentration turning inward, and I wondered what kinds of things were running through his mind. I didn't even know what I hoped for as an answer.
"Amelda," he said, and I stood up abruptly, the tension demanding that I do something. I barely stopped myself from pacing. Instead, I stood before him with my hands crossed in front of my chest.
"If there's even the slightest possibility," I repeated shakily.
He regarded me with a thoughtful expression and then I saw the slight sadness in his eyes, and knew the answer. "Yes," he said simply, seeming to understand that I didn't want any explanations, but only an answer. "I can't imagine it. I can't even begin to imagine it, but is it possible? Is there even the slightest possibility? I would have to say yes, I think so."
The bottom dropped out of my stomach and I sat down again, feeling like laughing and crying all at once. I guess it was the final proof that I had done what I was supposed to do, what angels were to do. I had changed Seto Kaiba. I had made him realize that there were other people in the world other than himself and his brother and even me, so that he was willing to consider the possibility of opening himself up to other human beings.
Had it started when I'd pushed him toward Yami? Or had those changes begun even earlier, even as far back as our midair duel, when he had willingly carried me in his arms after he had taken my soul?
I buried my hot face in my trembling hands, wondering how it was possible to feel this intensely, and yet be so unable to act in any way. Seto Kaiba had changed, but I had loved him before he changed. A part of me didn't want to hear that he could eventually find someone else and fall in love again, not even if it would make him happier, because it would make me forever unhappy.
I finally looked up again to see him staring sightlessly at his lap, where his hands were clasped together.
"All right," I whispered to myself. "I'm ready now, Anafiel. If this is what it means to be an angel, then I'm no longer human."
Seto finally looked up. "Will you tell me now?"
I nodded in speechless confirmation.
o o o
A/N: To all my readers and reviewers, you have my heartfelt thanks for your support and for inspiring me to take this story so far. Without your encouragement and belief in me, this never would have come so far. I hope you will continue to enjoy this to the end and of course, also hope to hear more of your thoughts.
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