Chapter 13

A/n: I'm back. Yellowstone is an incredible place. Even got some ideas for a few chapters that will be set there. Dee I have to admit that you are right. I should have written something about what Logan went through but at the time it never crossed my mind. RhiannonUK I just couldn't go off for two weeks and leave things as they were (are you listening). Glad you liked it. Thanks for the kind word Koenigsegg. Sorry I took so long to update. There is a lot of talking in this chapter. But don't worry. More action coming your way soon. As always please let me know what you think. Any helpful advice is always appreciated.

Someone was pissing him off. There was a person knocking on his door and it sounded like wooden gongs going off in his head. Sniffing the air he realized it was Rogue. He figured she must have something she needed to see him about so instead of cursing her out he rolled out of bed, threw in a pair of gym shorts and opened the door.

She stood there arm half raised to knock again her eyes taking in is nearly naked form. The most perfect male body she had ever seen. And she'd been through Ororo's entire collection of Playgirl. Twice. Just because she was untouchable didn't mean she was dead. And a woman would have to be dead not to appreciate the sight before her.

"Hey kid...ya just gonna stand there and stare or are ya gonna tell me why the hell yer knockin on my door?" Logan was well aware of the effect he was having on her. Hey it wasn't his problem.

"The Professor wanted ta talk ta ya. He thought you'd be happier if Ah went ta get ya. Ah thought ya might be hungry so Ah brought some food for ya."

"Thanks darlin...but we just had breakfast awhile ago. Say what the hell time is it any way?"

Rogue shook her head laughing as she handed him the plate that contained a monstrous sandwich. With the confused expression on his face and his wild spiky hair she couldn't help herself.

"Ah do believe ya would have slept all day. Logan it's almost four o'clock. Are ya sure yer feeling ok sugah? "

"Shit...I can't believe I was out that long. Thanks for the chow kid. I guess the healin took a little more outta me then I thought. Marie...Chuck told me what happened when they brought me back. I'm sorry to scare ya the way I did. I known ya was angry for me darlin but ya gotta understand they was only doin the sensible thing. Ya know kid yer starting ta worry me losing yer temper like ya do."

"Oh Logan...Ah just got a little crazy when I seen how bad ya were hurt. Ya know Ah did a lot of thinkin last night. Ah was afraid Logan. Ah...ya know Ah was thinkin how I never told ya how much ya mean ta me. When ya let me into your truck Ah was about at the end of my rope. Ah was at the point of given up. Didn't think Ah would ever have a family again. Then this wild eyed dangerous lookin guy gave me a ride. Ah don't know why even today but Ah knew Ah could trust ya. Running into you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ah'm sorry Logan but it kills me ta see ya hurt like that."

Logan reach out gently squeezing her shoulder. "Look kid...before I met you I don't remember givin a damn about anybody...including myself. I still ain't sure why the hell I didn't leave you by the side of the road. I guess I was too surprised to find there was someone out there who wasn't scared ta death of me ta think straight. Was the smartest thing I ever done. Thanks ta you kid I finally managed ta get it inta my thick skull that I didn't have ta be alone...that there were some people I could trust...at least there's one person. I appreciate yer tellin me what ya did...I just want ya ta know it goes both ways. What ever happens I ain't about ta forget what ta done for me."

For a second Rogue was confused. Then her expression hardened the anger plain on her face.

"What the hell are ya sayin Logan...please tell me yer not saying goodbye? Ah can't believe you'd just walk out on us. Damn it ya promised me..."

"Calm down darlin. Did anyone tell ya what went down last night?"

"Ya mean sides what happened ta you? I talked to one of the girls. She told me what those bastards did to her sister. I also saw the guy ya brought back. Mah Gawd Ah just can't believe they could hate mutants enough ta do those things."

"Darlin it's not really about mutants...at least the way ya think. Some people just get off on hurtin others...the fact they happen ta be mutants just means they can get away with it. At least they thought they could."

"Ah don't understand...why would what those assholes did make you think you had to leave. Logan we need you here. We need you ta protect us from people like them."

If anything he looked a little embarrassed. He wasn't supposed to need people and he sure wasn't used to the idea that someone needed him

"Look darlin...I'm not planning on leavin. But I may have ta anyway. Ain't what those fuckers did, it's what I did ta them. I'm not sure if Chuck is gonna want me around after he gets a good look at what happened."

"What are ya talkin about Logan? Ah'm sure ya did what ya had ta do ta save...oh shit...how many Logan?"

"Figured I killed about half of the ones that were there. When the building blew up the rest of em bought it. Kinda disappointed me...wouldn't a minded killin em all. Marie ya know I don't normally go outta my way ta do that. You know I don't like using the claws...but when they come out someones gonna die. That's what they gave em to me for. And to tell you the truth it's been awhile since I've run into people who needed killin as much as those fuckers did."

"Logan ya saved their lives. Ah can't believe Xavier would make ya leave the school. Ah'll tell ya something else. No way Ah'm staying if yer not here. If he says ta leave Ah'm leavin too."

Logan stared at her arms across his chest. "No yer not Marie. Yer gonna promise me that no matter what happens yer stayin here." Logan was actually fairly sure that Xavier would want him to stay despite...or was it because of the carnage caught on tape. He had to remember to thank Hank for that little device. Chuck wanted him to be here he was sure. What he wasn't sure of was if he would be able to admit his reasons to the other X-Men.

When he arrived Ororo was already there. Not that he was surprised but he would have liked to have talked to Xavier first. Then again he had enough of this bull shitting around that the old man was up to. Since he was pretty sure what Xavier wanted he'd just have to trust that the old man would be able to figure out how to make the others go along.

"Hello Logan. Thank you for joining us. I am sorry to wake you but we have some matters to discuss concerning what happened last night."

"Not a problem Chuck. Just needed to ta grab a little shut eye. Happens sometimes when the healing factor has ta do too much. How are the kids doin?"

Xavier's expression darkened. "As well as can be expected considering the vicious way they were mistreated. The young man is in serious condition. He was beaten severely and has suffered multiple fractures as well as internal injuries. Hank has managed to stabilize him for the time being and I have engaged the services of a mutant friendly surgeon that I know so that further treatment will be available. Ororo and Hank will fly him to her private clinic tomorrow if his condition does not worsen. The younger girl seems to be settling in and I have allowed her to stay with Rogue and Jubilee for a few days. The older one...Anna...was repeatedly raped and has suffered both physical and emotional trauma as a result. Hank informs me that she should recover from the physiological damage she has suffered. Both he and I as well as Janet have been spending time with her and her sister Mackenzie as been there for her as well. I am hopeful that they will both be able to make a full recovery from the abuse that they have suffered."

"Thanks for tellin me. I sure as hell hope yer right. Now I'm just guessin, but I got a feelin that's not the only reason ya asked me ta come in and see ya."

"Quite right. I believe there are questions we have for you regarding the mission."

Logan frowned. "Chuck I know you got a recording of everything that happened. Don't see how you could have any questions when it's right there in front of ya."

Xavier began to answer but Ororo cut him off. "Don't pretend to ignorance with us Logan. You know perfectly well what this is about. We are supposed to work together as a team. You knew that Peter and I were only minutes away and yet you deliberately went ahead on your own."

"Yer right about that darlin. Just wanted ta make sure we're talkin about the same thing."

Xavier was not happy with where this was going. "Ororo I know you are upset at the outcome of last nights operation and while I sympathize with how you feel..."

"Don't patronize me Charles! I know we have not functioned well since Jean...since Alkali Lake. That still does not excuse what he did. Because he could not control himself twenty people died. While I will not pretend that the deaths of those...men...is something I regret there is still the fact that were it not for your mysterious friend from SHIELD we would almost certainly be finding ourselves in a confrontation with the police and possibly the federal government as well."

Xavier shook is head. "Yes we were most fortunate in that regard. I agree with you that there were a number of problems in regards to what happened last night. However considering the nature of the situation that he found I cannot blame Logan for the fact that what he saw being done to innocents would cause him to react in such a manner. Even the most mild mannered among us have extreme difficulty in maintaining control of their temper in such a situation."

Logan just shook his head. "Come on Chuck...that ain't how it works and you know it. Ain't it time you started bein up front with your own people?"

Storm was confused...was Logan saying that animalistic rage had not been the cause of his actions? "What are you saying Logan? I saw what you were like at Liberty Island. If what happened last night wasn't a result of your losing control what was it?"

"I'll tell ya what it was darlin. I had a pretty good idea what those fuckers were doing and there was no way in hell I was gonna wait ten minutes until you arrived ta do somethin about it. Now if there had only been a few of em I might of decided not to use the claws. But that wasn't a choice now was it. And ya know what...I'm damn glad."

"So what are going to do Logan? Kill every human who abuses a mutant? Do you think that I would not like to visit vengeance on those who attack our kind? Believe me if I chose to do so I could run up a body count that even you would find difficult to imagine."

"I ain't doubting that darlin. And I ain't sayin that this is the way I would normally handle things...no matter what I might want ta do." Logan's right arm came up and he made a fist releasing the claws. "When I use these things people get hurt and some of them die. That's what their made for. Killing plain and simple. Anytime any of us lets go somethin bad can happen. Ya know they never found Toad's body."

Ororo felt her temper rising. The window pane rattled as the distant rumble of thunder was plainly heard. "I cannot believe you of all people would throw that in my face." She began to rise from her chair but Logan's left hand shot out and held her in place.

"Hold on Storm...I'm ain't throwin nothin in yer face...just tryin ta make a point. Ya did what ya had ta to protect yer friends...ta save Rogue. And for that I'll always be grateful. If you and Pete were already there...if Janet had a mutation or Hank was ready ta do more in the field I might of seen clear ta find another way. But that wasn't the way things were and there was no way I was gonna let them go on hurtin those kids one second more."

Xavier could see where this was leading. Ororo was not in the mood to listen and Logan was being...Logan.

"Ororo...Logan...please try to calm yourselves. I think you both need to hear what the other person is saying. Ororo we may disagree whether what happened was for the best but the fact remains that the mission succeeded in rescuing those who were in danger. I am certain that we all agree that it would have been unacceptable to leave the girls in the hands of those animals any longer that was absolutely necessary. Logan while I can sympathize with your actions toward those responsible for this atrocity we are on very thin ice where the government is concerned. If it were not for the intervention of SHIELD we would have a very difficult time explaining to the authorities what happened."

Ororo gave Xavier a shocked look. "Surely you are not saying that because SHIELD was able to clean up our mess that everything is fine. I do not call the deaths of twenty people as well as the explosion that leveled the warehouse the earmarks of a successful mission. It as been my understanding that our priorities were to lay the foundation for human mutant cooperation and to educate those young mutants who find themselves in our care. I was not aware that the X-Men were to be turned into some kind of para military organization."

Xavier shook his head sadly. "Given the present circumstances I am afraid we must revise our priorities. While this school will remain a refuge and place of education for young mutants who have no where else to go the mission of the X-Men will have to assume a greater importance then before. The protection of those under our care and of those who are threatened that we can help seems to me the most important thing now. Please do not mistake me either of you. I am not advocating that we take life indiscriminately nor do I want the X-Men to become a vigilante group. I will not sanction killing for the sake of revenge. Nor will I accept that it is impossible for humans and mutants to live together in peace. However under no circumstances will there be a repeat of what happened when Strykers's men attacked us. We must be prepared to use any means at our disposal to ensure the safety of those under our care."

"Chuck...I ain't a total dickhead. I did what I had ta last night but I ain't gonna go lookin for people ta slice up. Ya know for as long as I can remember the only person I ever cared about was me. Seemed ta work out fine...till I came here. Don't think I want ta go back ta livin like that...don't wanna lose this place. I'll do what ever it takes ta make sure I don't fuck things up for ya...and I don't aim ta let anyone else do it either."

"I was never in doubt of that Logan...in fact I am counting on it."

Ororo looked at her mentor not sure what to believe anymore. "Charles... I understand what you are saying...yet I am not sure if I can agree with you. Until a few weeks ago I know you believed that violence was always the easy way out. It seems to me that what you are proposing will make the war that Erik speaks of inevitable."

Although the question wasn't asked of him Logan answered her. "Ro we already got a war. Only question is how big it's gonna be. Believe me when I tell ya Stryker ain't the only one who wanted ta get their hands on mutants. Those FOH losers were being paid by someone ta grab every mutant they could find."

Xavier was nodding his head. "Henry told me that one of them said as much, boasting about the money they would make."

Logan stood up and began to prowl restlessly around the room. "Chuck...here's something he didn't tell ya. I found the shitheads who were payin em...and one em seemed ta think he knew me... called me Patch...don't know what the hell he was talkin about. Never went by that name that I can remember."

It wasn't very often that Xavier was surprised. "This must have happened after your recording device was disabled. Please recount to me what happened with as much detail as you can remember."

For the next few minutes as Xavier took careful notes Logan told them of his confrontation with the black clad men who seemed to know him even if he could never recall meeting them. Afterward they sat in silence trying to come to grips with this new information. Finally Storm spoke.

"So we have a group of unknowns employing the FOH to capture mutants for them. For what purpose? And if they want mutants so badly why allow the abuse and apparent killing of these mutants by those who they have employed to find them?"

"Don't have a clue darlin...unless...the only one of the four they really wanted was Halley. What kind of powers do the other ones have?"

Xavier's fist smacked his desk top. "Of course! The use an organization of criminals could have for Halley's gift is obvious. While I do not know what Lukes gift is the information on the other girls indicates mutations of the senses and in Mackenzie's case a possible minor feral mutation as well. None of them are Alpha or even Beta class. Apparently only the most powerful mutants are sought. Any others are given over to the FOH as a reward...to do with as they please."

Logan ran his hands through his wild hair. "Not just powerful mutants Chuck. Their lookin for kids...makes it a lot easier ta train em. Bet ya they know where ta find a whole bunch. Sure as hell they'll be showin up here sooner or later trying to grab some of ours." He turned to Ororo hard stare boring into her. "But we ain't gonna let that happen...are we Ro?"

"No Logan we most certainly will not. Charles we need more help. It will be months before Logan's students will be ready to function as X-Men. Even when Scott returns there will only be three of us...unless we can persuade Henry to join the team once more."

"Yes...yes of course." Logan was watching Xavier closely. He'd seen that look on his face once before. The day Jean had died. It was fear. "Kurt will be returning within a week. There are a few others that I can also contact. We will also need to inform SHIELD about this new development. Perhaps they can shed some light on the identity of this new threat."

"Ya sure that's a good idea Chuck? Seems ta me like ya trust these guys more than ya ought ta."

"SHIELD will be eager to learn all it can about this arrangement. Frankly Logan we need some allies. While I do not trust them completely with minor exceptions they have been very helpful so far. The intelligence they possess will be invaluable to us if we are to avoid being caught with our guard down."

"Hey Chuck...didn't Mags used ta be an ally. Look I ain't sayin that this buddy of your is gonna rat us out. I gotta believe ya got a pretty good idea what the inside of his head is like. Problem is he's got a lot of people workin for em. Ain't no way ya can be sure of everybody. Don't tell em everything they want ta know. Just what they need ta know. Believe me that's how their gonna play it."

Xavier often found Logan's paranoia irritating. Yet it was that very same quality (in addition to his belief that almost any problem could be solved by the proper application of violence) that made him useful. Logan would be on his guard about things the rest of them would not consider reasonable. He understood (as Xavier was beginning to) that those who wished to do them harm were motivated by many things few of which would appeal to a healthy mind. Another thing few people would accuse Logan of having. Said person having delivered the message he wanted mumbled his goodbye and made his escape. Sighing Xavier turned to Ororo. He realized that she still had grave doubts about the direction this was all going. It was vital that all her questions were answered before Scott returned. He reflected on how much easier Erik had things. He could not picture his onetime friend ever having doubts about any of his beliefs. Then again he was not a telepath.

He took a long walk in the woods, smoking one of his prized Cubans and thinking about what he had done. For the first time that Logan could remember he had committed himself to something. He was staying in one place for in indeterminate amount of time and placing the safety of others above that of his own. Yet the animalistic side of his psyche was not screaming for him to run. No feelings of fear or anger coming from what he thought as the Wolverine. He knew the others thought of this side of him as a kind of split personality. He was pretty sure Xavier knew different and just went along with what the rest believed as an excuse for his excesses. Hank he was sure knew better.

Stryker had called him an animal and in one very specific sense he was right. What Logan had was not an animalistic personality but rather an animal's instinct for survival. When he first woke up with no memory of who he was or what had happened to him the drive to survive was so powerful and consuming that it kept him from any contact with humans for nearly two years. Over time he achieved a kind of mastery over it and thus found himself able to a limited degree to interact with people. What still eluded him after all these years was the ability to completely control his fight or flight response. If he was cornered or otherwise threatened with real danger the urge to strike out blindly, to kill became almost overwhelming. On the flip side the urge to run when he found himself growing close to people had lead to his nomadic lifestyle. He knew damn well what people were capable of and every time he tried to live among them for any length of time he felt something akin to panic. But it wasn't there now. It was almost like his instinct had gone into hibernation and where before fear had twisted his guts now he only felt calm. That worried him more then he cared to admit. While he often was frustrated at the intensity of his instincts the fact was he had relied on them to keep him alive for a long time. Dropping the butt to the ground he crushed it out and started making his way back.

By the time he returned dinner was already done so he grabbed a burger and then headed down to the gym to lift some weights. As he neared the door he picked up familiar voices. Opening it quietly he slipped in and sat against the wall. Off in one corner Bobby and Pete were sparing. While the contest looked one sided because of the huge difference in size it was Bobby who was obviously getting the better of the deal. Logan shook his head frustrated with Pete's lack of progress. As he watched Drake ducked under the Russian's awkward attack and used a leg sweep to take him down. He grimaced as Pete fell heavily on his rear end. Aware of the difference in size and strength between him and everyone else he spared with he was so busy being worried about hurting his partner that he left himself open to easy attacks. Drake on the other hand was full of confidence in his own abilities. Too confident from where Logan sat. He'd just have to figure a way to take care of both problems.

He turned his attention to the girls. Jubilee was apparently showing off some of her gymnastic skills while the others watched. He was surprised to see one of the new kids with them. For a few seconds he struggled to remember her name. Oh yeah...Mackenzie. Jubilee took a running start did a cartwheel bounced into the air tucking into a somersault landing perfectly balanced on her feet. Mackenzie jumped up and to Logan's surprise neatly duplicated the move. Apparently her mutation gave her cat like agility to go along with the eyes. Marie never one to run from a challenge took a shot next...less successfully. The cartwheel part went right but she couldn't quite bring off the somersault and landed flat on her back. Logan heard her muttered curse and when she raised her head she was looking right at him. Jumping to her feet she ran over followed by the others.

"Logan...Ah thought ya was talkin ta the Professor." He could tell by her tone of voice that she was happy to see him and more then a little worried about how his conversation with Xavier had gone.

"Already done with that kid. Had a good talk with him and Ro...but ya know how much I like yakking. Sides I think Chuck likes it better if he gets me in small doses. So what are ya all doin down here. Thought ya had enough of this place from when we have class here."

Rogue's smile told him she had gotten his message. "Since your sorry ass was gone we missed two days of class. Janet agreed ta come down with us so we could work on some stuff."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Janet. He was going to have to get someone to tell him this story. The kids crowded around him questions coming so fast he could barely follow. Even Drake seemed more open around him then before. Seemed getting blown up did have some benefits. Looking around the room his gaze fell on Jubilee. She was hanging back talking to Mackenzie and...shit...he got a close up look at what she was wearing. Some kind of body suit that looked like someone had painted it on her. What the hell was Chuck thinking letting her walk around in something like that. Jubilee saw Logan's eyes lock on her and she smirked. She had washed all of Mr. Summers cars twice to save enough to buy it. Best damn money she ever spent.

"So ya feelin better Wolvie...because if your up for it I could show ya some of my moves. Maybe you'll see something that you like."

Yup...she was definitely trying to kill him. "Ya know kid I'm gonna be teachin some new moves myself tomorrow. It's called a head lock. If yer so eager ta learn then maybe I could use ya for a demonstration."

He really had tried to sell it...and for a second Jubilee looked a little worried. Then she looked at him and gave him that smile. He knew it well having seen it on the faces of many women over the years. Just never on the face of a seventeen year old girl.

"That sounds great Logan. Maybe I could come to your room tonight so we could practice. I'm sure there's lots of cool stuff you could teach me."

Before he could come up with an answer for that Rogue gave Jubilee an elbow in the ribs. "Down girl. Ah think ya need ta give the man some space. Are ya sure yer feelin alright sugah? None of us would mind if ya wanted ta take a another day off. Ah know my roomie would just love a chance ta sleep in."

"Ain't happening kid. I want all of ya ta have at least one Danger Room session before Summers gets back. That means we got us some work ta do if that's gonna happen. I need ta borrow Janet here for a while. Do me a favor huh...don't any of ya break your necks tryin ta show off." That last was directed at Jubilee.

"Relax dude...I know what I'm doin. Mac here wanted ta meet everyone so Roguey and me brought her along to...junior X-Men gym night. In an hour we're having popcorn and watch cheesy horror movies. Sure ya don't want to join us?"

"Not tonight kid. Don't stay up too late...if yer not on time in the mornin I'll make ya do wind sprints." He turned to go but a quiet voice stopped him.

"Mr. Logan...I just wanted to thank you for...for getting Anna and me out of that...place. I'm really glad that your alright."

Turning around again Logan looked at her. With her eyes fixed firmly on the floor she was still at least a head taller then any of the other girls. She towered over Jubilee. The girl refused to meet his eyes and her face was beet red. For a second he was confused...oh yeah...probably a little embarrassed about how he had seen her yesterday.

What the hell was he supposed to say. Somehow nice to meet you just didn't cut it. He never had to deal with things like this before he came here.

"Hey kid...Mackenzie...could ya look at me darlin." Her head came up eyes meeting his. Cats eyes. "Ya ain't got nothin ta be ashamed of kid. Me on the other hand...I did things I guess I ought a be ashamed of. Ya know what. I don't regret any of those things one bit. The only thing I am sorry for is that I didn't get ta you and yer sister sooner." Figuring a hug would be too much for the girl (not to mention him...he had a reputation to protect) he stuck out his hand. She gave him a little smile stood up straight and shook his hand.

They walked back to the small office at the back of the gym. As soon as he closed the door Janet reach out to him her arms encircling his waist as she hugged him. Caught by surprise Logan suppressed the feeling of panic that always came with an unexpected invasion of his personal space. Sensing his discomfort she quickly stepped back, her brown eyes studying him intently. The man was such a contradiction. At times he behaved as if he thought of no one but himself. But she had also seen the way he was with Rogue...and increasingly with his other students as well. She had first hand knowledge of his capacity for violence, and yet she had just seen him treat Mackenzie with gentleness and respect. At sometime in his past something terrible had happened to him, to her trained eye all the signs were there. Yet despite this he managed to continue on, living as normally as someone who gave the impression of being constantly pissed off could live. He was undoubtedly the most physically beautiful man (except for the scowling) she had ever met. She knew she was attracted to him and that scared her almost as much as the fact that he had metal claws. And right now he was someone she owed an apology. The object of her musings was giving her his best raised eyebrow looking just a little bit confused.

"What the hell was that all about darlin. Not that I mind a good lookin woman who wants ta show her appreciation...but right at the moment I'm feelin a little hunted."

"Relax Logan...I just promised myself I'd do that the moment we had some time alone. Just wanted you to know that I'm glad your alright...and that I'm sorry."

"Don't see why ya need ta be sorry darlin. Ya did real good out there kid. Ain't your fault the damn building blew up."

"It's not about the mission...or at least not about how it went. I...when I saw them I was...I guess I never imagined...I just can't understand..." She broke off, unable to go on tears shining in her eyes.

Logan had a pretty good idea what she was trying to tell him. Ever since she had seen him pop the claws there had been an under current of fear in her scent. Truth be told it was something that bothered him more than it should. He was long past being surprised that others reacted to them in fear. Hell he didn't like them either. In this case he knew it was not the reaction that bothered him...just the fact that it was her. He didn't want Janet Phillips to be afraid of him.

"Come on darlin...ya gotta know that I trust ya. Ain't nothin yer gonna say will change that."

She took a deep shuttering breath fighting her tears unable to look him in the eye. "It's those things...your claws. When I saw then for the first time...I was just frightened. And I guess I've been a little afraid ever since." She took another breath and met his gaze hoping she wouldn't find anger. There was nothing, a totally blank expression. Steeling herself she went on. "I wish I could tell you that it's not you that scares me...but since the claws are part of you I guess I can't. I really am sorry Logan because you've done nothing to earn my fear. In fact you been very good to me ever since I came here. I guess I don't understand how...I mean I know those can't be part of any natural mutation so I'm not sure why anyone would want to...why do you have them?"

Inwardly he was on the edge of losing it. Could she actually believe that he would choose to have them...shit. But as he struggled to control his anger he reminded himself that she was asking not accusing him and that the truth could be even more horrific. What gnawed at him was that in the end he really didn't know the answer to her question. Opening his desk drawer he pulled a folder out and handed it to her. Wordlessly she took it. Inside were copies of the scans Jean had taken during his first hours here. Her eyes grew wide as she looked at them.

"So ya want ta know why. Well darlin if yer lookin for answers ya come ta the wrong place. I wish the fuck I could tell ya that what was done ta me was against my will but I just don't remember. Got no real memory of my life before I woke up naked in the snow about eighteen years ago. The only thing I have is dreams. Fuckin nightmares about people cutting me open like they were guttin a fish and pouring the metal right over my bones. For years I thought they couldn't be real...I mean I knew about the claws but the rest. Well I had an idea but I just couldn't get my head around the fact that someone could actually do this ta me. When I first came here Chuck tried ta use his mind mojo on me but didn't really get any where. All he could do was confirm that the dreams about me getting the claws were really...what the hell did he say...oh yeah...recovered memories of some past trauma resurfacing in my subconscious."

She swallowed hard trying not let the feeling of horror in the pit of her stomach overwhelm her. In light of what had happened to him she could well understand why he acted like he did. It was a wonder the man was sane at all considering what had been done to him. "I don't care whether you remember or not. Nothing could make me believe that you wanted this done to you. It's just..I just can't understand why...what kind of reason would any body have to treat someone like this?"

"Ya know damn well that some people don't need a reason. At least ones that makes any sense. I know where ya used ta work Janet. Only reason I ever came up with was they wanted to turn me into some kind of super assassin. I was gonna be their perfect killing machine. Wish I could say there was no damn way I ever agreed ta go along...but the truth is I got no idea what I was like before the claws."

"I don't think that really matters... at least to me it doesn't. So you have no memories at all of before...before you were altered?"

"Nada darlin. No memories at least. I got nothin ta show for however long I lived before I got the claws. Something has changed though. Since we got back from Alkali Lake I've been havin dreams of things that happened right after they put the Adamantium in me."

She could sense a reluctance in him to go on and decided she needed to push him a little. Only God knew the next time he would be open to having this discussion. "You need to talk to someone about this Logan. Please...please just listen for a second. You can't go on trying to deal with this on your own. If you can't tell me about it then go see Charles but please let someone help you."

He stood straight up fists clenched to his side. He wanted to pace or better yet just get away from her. But the tiny office was too small and if he wanted to leave he'd have to go through her because she had stood up at the same time and was between him and the door. "You think I fucking don't know how screwed up I am. What the hell am I supposed to talk about. The memory that I ain't got."

He was right in front of her, looming over her his face red breathing fast. "No Logan that's not what you need to deal with. What kind of dreams Logan? Don't you see what this is doing to you? Your having exactly the kind of reaction that any victim of trauma is going to have. The first step in dealing with it is trusting someone enough to talk..."

Logan didn't let her finish. He took one step toward her and his next words came out in a low menacing voice. "There just fucking dreams...and I ain't talkin about em with you or anyone else. Now you want ta get out of my fucking way?"

Now she wasn't just afraid of his claws. She didn't believe Logan would ever hurt her. But was he still there? "Don't give me that shit Logan. You know what your experiencing is more then just dreams or you wouldn't be reacting like this. Don't you see it's just like the dream you had about the people who were cutting you open. Horrible things were done to you, things that for a long time were too painful to remember. Some trigger has started the remembering process and whether you like it or not it isn't going to stop."

Something she had said must have gotten though to him on some level. He was frozen before her, face a mask of anger, eyes staring off into space. "Stryker...it was him. He did this to me. Ain't the fucking bastard ever gonna leave me alone!" Then his eyes snapped back to her and his face twisted into a scowl. "Ya happy darlin. Ain't no reason why you shouldn't know the whole fucking story." Reaching for his desk he picked up a slim note book and tossed it at her. She barely caught it before it smacked her in the face. She stared at it for a moment and then looked up at him. The rage was gone...his face was like stone. He gave a little motion of his head and she carefully stepped to one side and he walked out of the office without a backward glance.

Janet returned to her office, stopping by the kitchen first to fix herself a mug of tea. She spent the next hour carefully reading Logan's nearly illegible scrawl recounting in detail the dreams he had been having since Jean's death at Alkali. She managed to get half way through before she found herself crying. It was nearly an hour after she was done before she managed to stop. At times she had to stop reading to keep from vomiting. When Janet had first found out what Logan's mutation was it had been hard for her not to feel jealousy. To always be in perfect health, to never feel the ravages of old age. In fifty years he would look as good as he did today. Janet had never been overtly concerned about her appearance. Even so no one wanted to get old. Now she was faced with the mind boggling downside. No matter how much they tortured him, no matter what terrible things they did, he couldn't die. Again she found herself marveling at the fact that he was sane. She just wondered how long he would stay so if he didn't turn to someone for help. Janet wanted to be the one he turned to but she wasn't sure if that was possible. It wasn't just that he was pissed as hell with her. No...that was the least of her problems. Well if she couldn't do it then she would have to find some other way. Hopefully Logan would cooperate. Because there was no way Janet Phillips would stand aside and watch the man she was falling in love with lose his sanity or run from this place.