Chapter 13 - Afterwards

Katniss cleans up my wound with spirit. Then she puts on the bandages. Her hands shake as she finishes and I see tears flowing from her eyes.

"Katniss, Please." I start.

"It's all my fault. I am so sorry." She whispers.

"What?" I can't believe her. "I could have killed you and you are apologizing to me?"

"They did this to you because of me."

"Stop ... ok ... you have to stop blaming yourself every time anything goes wrong. I am sorry you had to see this. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was in control ... but I guess I need to work more on this." Suddenly, I am afraid that she will withdraw from me ... again. "Just don't give up on me." I say desperately.

"Of course not, Peeta." She shakes her head. "I just hate to see you like this ... it upsets me." I know it does more than just 'upset' her. She is angry.

"Katniss ... you can't get upset about what's not in your control. And I am fine now." I say trying to calm her down.

She shoves my injured hand on my face. "This is fine?" she asks angrily. I am taken aback by her fury. Her face immediately softens at my reaction. "You are in pain ... how can you be fine?" She says softly.

"This is nothing compared to the actual tracker-jacker venom inside." I reply. "The terror of it, the hallucinations, fighting with my deepest fears every minute of the day, not knowing what's real, what's not. Hell, I would take stabbing any time." I chuckle trying to lighten the mood.

Katniss frowns. "Don't say that, Peeta ... I will hate myself more."

"Come on Katniss ... just don't do this to yourself. You know how bad I feel after these flashbacks? You have no idea how much Dr. Aurelius has worked on me to cure these fits. And before him the doctors of District 13. And every time this happens, it's like their efforts have gone down the drain. That I have let them down."

"No you haven't. You are doing so good. You have come such a long way from your hijacked version." She smiles, "May be you should talk to Dr. Aurelius."

"I will, but I know what he will say. He will ask me to leave 12 and come back to Capitol." Katniss widens her eyes. "I am not going to go. I just have to accept this for what it is. Another side effect of the war."

She nods. We sit quietly for a while. She is deep in some thought. She is still holding my injured hand rubbing it unconsciously. "You were always against the war, weren't you?" she asks hesitantly.

"I fought with you in the Capitol, didn't I?" She looks at me frowning. "But you are right." I continue. "I am against the war in general. But you see, you cannot always get everything peacefully. This rebellion was necessary ... may be there was another way to do it, may be we could have avoided flowing so much blood. I don't know ... and I can't know. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions. We weigh in our actions and their repercussions and we make our choices. Sometimes we gain from it, sometimes we learn from it. And sometimes we just have to bear with it and make the best of it."

"How can you not be angry about all this Peeta, how can you just forgive and forget?" She asks incredulously.

"Anger, hatred, revenge ... they never achieve anything. An eye for an eye, will leave the whole world blind. It's a very old quote, but there is so much truth in it. And we just don't seem to learn from our past. That's how our ancestors ruined our planet. That's why the human population dwindled."

"You must have hated me when I voted yes for the Hunger Games for Capitol children." She says not meeting my eyes. She removes her hand from mine and shifts a little away.

"I didn't like it. But I guess, at some level, I understood your decision, you were hurting because of Prim. And I never hated you for that vote. I could never hate you. Even when they programmed me to do that. Some sensible part of my mind always fought that feeling ... it still does when the flashbacks come along." She stares at me, trying to gauge the truth in my statement. "I am not saying that sensible part wins all the time but it still fights." I say sheepishly.

"You are too good for this world, Peeta." She says quietly.

I snort. "Being good doesn't always help. People like me don't make any difference."

"That's not true ... you made a difference in my life ... way back when I was hungry ... you gave me hope. And you still keep doing that." She looks at me and there is such admiration in her eyes that it makes me uncomfortable.

"What about you, Katniss?" I say trying to put the focus away from me. "Do you know how many people got hope from you? You stirred up the revolution. You gave others an opportunity to fight for themselves. You made a difference."

"Gale used to say the same thing ..." She says and then suddenly puts her hands on her mouth. She looks at me cautiously, as if uttering Gale's name would trigger another attack.

I smile sadly. "Gale was right." I say. "And now it's time to let go of all this resentment ... and try to build a better future. And that's what I am hoping to do, make something better, worth living for. Like my bakery, like this book, like you and me."

We stare at each other for a while and then she looks down with a shy smile.

"I feel exhausted after these fits. I should go home." I say trying to get up.

But Katniss beats me to it. She stands up quickly. "I will get you some hot chocolate. It will help. Just two minutes."

I grab her hand as she tries to move away.

"So Katniss ... are you going to kiss me only when I get a seizure?" I ask.

She looks surprised by my question. I am too, for being so bold suddenly. But I just wait for her answer. "No." She says finally, a smile playing on her lips. Then she bends and gives a little peck on my lips. I leave her hand and she goes into the kitchen.

I lean on the sofa and close my eyes smirking.

When I open my eyes, everything is dark around. It takes me a few of seconds to get my bearings. I am in Katniss' house, sprawled on her sofa. I must have fallen asleep after talking to her. I look around and see her sitting on the floor leaning on the sofa. She is asleep too. Her head is on the sofa near my chest and her hands are resting on my injured left hand. I gently turn sideways. I move my right hand and wrap it around her waist. Then I pull her up beside me.

"Peeta", she mumbles sleepily.

"Shh ... Go back to sleep." I tell her and we both go back into slumber again.

A/N: The scene in the this chapter and the previous one was the first thing I had thought when writing this fiction. Sorry for getting a bit philosophical up there. Waiting for you feedback. Thanks all.