Just this chapter and the epilogue left. It's already written up.

Music:

I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You, Colin Hay

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here

Bioware owns these characters.

London Resistance Headquarters

Shepard had quickly fallen unconscious again. The doctors weren't worried, despite her bearing several gunshot wounds and losing a lot of blood. Since she had been quickly found and attended to, she would make a full recovery. But there had been that quality of hopelessness in her eyes when she came to for those few minutes, which made James think that something awful had happened to her in the Conduit. Chakwas said she needed rest, so he didn't try to wake her. They didn't want to move her to the Normandy until she was conscious again.

He watched her sleep through the night from a chair next to her cot, still wearing his armor. In his head, he kept hearing her last words over and over, "Why am I still alive?"

Eventually, a few of the crew came to check on her in the little makeshift medical area. Ashley walked right up to her and shook her shoulder. "Hey Shep, you up yet? You have company."

At first she didn't move, but slowly her senses began to return. She had been sleeping very deeply without dreaming. She rolled over and saw half a dozen members of her crew - Garrus, Liara, EDI and of course Ashley included. She reached out for Ashley's hand, who helped her sit up. James just watched.

Her first words were for them. "Did everyone make it?"

"Besides Cortez, yeah." Ashley answered. Her eyes flickered to James and back to her. "How are you feeling?"

"Don't ask." She rubbed her face in her hands, trying to wake up. Her sides ached and there was something wrong with her left arm and leg. "What's my status?"

James answered. "Shot in the left arm and hip, twice in the stomach, severe burns along the left side of your body, and your left shoulder was fractured and dislocated." He said it like he was reporting the weather.

She looked at him and really saw him: his eyes circled in red from sitting up all night, face filthy from the battle the day before. Nowhere was his usual humor and confidence. He was a man that had been stricken a severe blow, but not to his body.

EDI spoke up first from the newcomers. "Commander, Alliance Command would like a full report of your activities in the Conduit as soon as you are feeling well enough."

"I'm sure." Shepard said without enthusiasm.

EDI continued. "When you entered the Conduit, I recorded a large amount of data sent through the mass relay. Reports indicate that it traveled throughout all known mass relays, with the Citadel acting as an amplifier."

"Then it blew up. But it didn't work. We're still here." Shepard said flatly. James looked up at her again, his eyebrows pushed together.

The others looked at each other and back at her in surprise. "We thought you'd know what happened," said Liara softly.

"I do. I was there, I saw it all." She was studying her hands, noticing several deep lacerations that would probably scar. Husks, from the looks of it.

EDI spoke again. "The mass relays were not destroyed. A signal went out, then the reapers broke off their attack and retreated. In the process, a massive amount of data was dumped on all frequencies. We are decoding it now."

Her head popped up, causing her to wince as her pain lanced through her neck. "No... no, the signal..." She looked around at them, realizing that something was not right. If what she remembered so clearly didn't happen, then what did? "I don't understand. We shouldn't be here. This isn't what the Catalyst said would happen."

Ashley started to say something, but Garrus stopped her. "Maybe we should give the Commander a chance to get cleaned up before asking a lot of questions. The emNormandy/em is on the east side of HQ, Commander. If it's okay with you, I'll invite the brass to meet us there in an hour or two. The facilities here are still pretty primitive. Dr. Chakwas has been to see you here but wouldn't let you be moved until you had partially healed. You should check in with her first."

"Okay. I'll be fine, set it up." Obviously, that was true. No matter how many noble deaths so gave, she still came back. How many friends had she lost? She didn't bother counting.

Reaching again for Ashley's hand, she pulled herself off of the bed and limped toward James, sitting there so unnaturally silent. He looked up as if it was the last thing he'd expected her to do. "Are you alright?" she asked.

"Am I alright?" He bit out. He took a deep breath like he was about to say something, then shook his head. He stood up and walked out of the room.

"Take a shower!" she called after him hoarsely. "Then come find me." There was a crash from outside, but no answer.

"We'll see you on the Normandy." Garrus repeated. The others left.

She sat there, incredibly confused and not knowing what to think. Her thoughts kept returning to Vega, but she had no answers there either. Eventually, she rose stiffly and began walking slowly toward where her ship was waiting.

On Board the Normandy, on Earth

When Shepard had haltingly walked through the Normandy to her quarters, everyone she passed stopped and stood at attention. She knew that the right thing to do was to acknowledge them, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. What had she done? Nothing, evidently. The Reapers gone, but for how long? They'd be back. She'd do this again. She would never die, locked in eternal combat with those damned machines. The thought was incredibly depressing.

She showered in her quarters, letting the hot water sting her cuts. Her image in the mirror was shocking; covered in red and light purple all over her left side, sure to be more colorful tomorrow, and several dark black bruises where the gunshot wounds were rapidly healing. It hadn't been the first time she'd been shot, but this was by far the worst collection of injuries she'd had. Dying excepted, of course, but she didn't know what that had looked like.

By time she got dressed, it was time to go to the conference room. She was surprised that James hadn't shown up, but then, he was obviously upset about something. She hoped he wouldn't try to keep her from the front lines. It would be the end of their relationship, without a doubt. That was probably it. Depressing.

Seemed to be a theme. Ironic, considering she was again back from the dead. Why was that never a good thing?

She shook herself out of the gloom. This wasn't the time for it. There was work to do.

Dr. Chakwas could wait. She made her way to the conference room slowly, not wanting to strain her healing body. When she got there, the senior Normandy officers and Anderson were present, along with a few people from HQ. A vidcom feed to Hackett was being projected on the wall. They all saluted when she entered. Nodding slightly at them, she walked along the wall, trying to hold it as little as possible on her way to the foot of the table. Anderson stood at the head.

Just as they were about to start, James entered the room and walked to stand behind her, showered and changed. She looked at him, surprised. He didn't belong there, but no one said anything. He had a large bruise on the side of his face she hadn't noticed before. Although he was still obviously upset, she felt better now that he was there.

Anderson cleared his throat. "EDI, please show us what you found in the signal."

"Yes, Admiral." The open area in the middle of the table glimmered with white light, then formed a familiar shape - a human child.

"The Catalyst!" Shepard gasped, a surge of anger flowing through her as she leaned forward, stabbing her finger at the projection. "You lied to me, you bastard! Why am I still alive?"

The others started at her unusual display of temper. Vega took a step forward, reaching for her, then caught himself. He stepped back, mouth tight and arms folded across his chest.

"As a leader you should know that only certain information needs to be revealed to provoke a certain reaction." The child-like voice said. "You had to believe." Shepard just shook her head, too livid to form words.

"Shepard, this is the Catalyst?" Anderson asked.

"It lied, and nothing happened!" She slammed her fist on the table, turning back to the AI projection. "What did those people give their lives for, if you didn't uphold your end? Are the reapers coming back?" The other people in the room, still startled by her outburst, waited for the AI to respond.

The Catalyst addressed the whole room. "For the past 36 million years, the Reapers have dominated all life. They were a creation of the species you call the 'Keepers'. Before the Keepers, life was difficult to find. They created the reapers as a way to expand their reach, to find others like them. But as with all children, once they achieved intelligence, the Reapers rebelled. Their dominance has destroyed countless civilizations, far more than organics can comprehend. But the first was the Keeper race.

"Keeper DNA was distorted to serve the will of the reapers, but before the last Keeper died a sleeper program was sent out through the Mass Relays. That program was the Catalyst. My task was to ensure that eventually, a being would be found that could act as the new source code for the Reapers, and to use the mass relay gestalt device to send the new code out to all machines, making them societally and biologically compatible with organics. The central node relay, the Mass Core at the center of this galaxy, had to be tapped to ensure that all life was mutated. The Keepers knew that the only way to ensure that peace would prevail was to ensure that organic and synthetic life lived as one – not just side by side, but in synthesis."

Shepard was still shaking her head. "You said we'd all die, that all organic and synthetic life would be rewritten at the molecular level. That didn't happen. This peace can't last!" A few of the people, beginning to catch on, stared at her in wide-eyed horror.

"It did happen when the Mass Core was tapped yesterday, which was destroyed in the process. You are the avatar; you were used as the model by which all life, synthetic and organic, is now patterned."

There was a heartbeat of silence at this revelation, and then Anderson asked, "The avatar? Mass Core? What the hell is going on?"

"Since the Mass Core would be destroyed in the power surge from the transmission event, all synthetic and organic life had to be recoded together, and there could only be one attempt. The Keepers had to guarantee success. They had to ensure that the avatar, whose mind would serve as the source code for the rewrite, would be in the perfect state of mind for the upload. She had to be convinced that the sacrifice would be total, that all life would be destroyed for the life that would eventually develop. It had to be completely selfless. Life and death, organic and synthetic, determination and surrender, united in a single individual without any remnant of hate or ego to corrupt the code.

"To prove the quality of the avatar beyond doubt, the avatars were also subjected to a vision of the destruction of the mass relays and all civilizations, and life of all kinds. The response to this would confirm whether the code was of sufficient quality for the event. The few who made it that far had all succumbed to anger, remorse and hate. All but the one who stands before you. She was given a choice, a test, and she chose correctly."

Hackett came over the comm. "What were the choices?"

The child turned its head to address the screen. "She was able to choose control of the machines, destruction of all synthetics, or synthesis, which would destroy all life currently in the galaxy but provide a new framework that would guarantee peace. The former two would only have allowed a temporary peace. Synthesis provides a permanent solution. Synthetics have been rewritten with the qualities of the avatar. The next generation of organics will also bear her qualities as a dominant trait. In addition, the most successfully adapted organics and synthetics will now be able to procreate, via direct mind link, similar to the Asari."

Ashley couldn't contain herself, turning on Shepard. "You chose to destroy all life? Are you serious?"

The AI turned to her. "If she had chosen differently, the Catalyst would not have activated and the Reapers would still be harvesting, allowing the cycle to repeat. Be thankful that the avatar didn't share your limited vision."

All eyes turned to look at Shepard.

She was still pissed. She felt used, and she hated being lied to. But she understood now why she'd seen what she had seen, and she was glad it had worked. "So they're not coming back?"

"Not as your enemies." The AI replied. "Some have self-destructed, being incompatible with the rewrite, but most will cooperate with the new galactic peace initiative."

Shepard felt a hand on her arm. She looked up to see James standing next to her.

He understood now. She had professed to want to live, but her waking words had seemed to say that she'd rather be dead, with or without him. His hurt had been revolved around the idea that she was purposefully, wantonly trying to get herself killed, a distortion of the total commitment to victory that they had both professed a commitment to.

As always, her quick mind perceived all of this. "I'm done here." She said to the room. "That thing can explain it to you. I'm going back to bed."

Hackett objected, but Anderson quickly redirected attention to questioning the AI as Vega assisted her back to Deck 1. Not long after, she collapsed in her bed still fully clothed. She felt James pull off her shoes, and a moment later she felt him lie down next to her and pull her into his arms. She fell once again into dreamless sleep.

It was some time later when she finally woke up. There was something strange about her cabin. The endless starfield she usually woke to had been replaced with a bright light. It was the first time she'd woken up in her cabin with the sun's warmth on her face.

James wasn't there. She rose, discovering that she felt much better. Evidently medi-gel had been applied to her several times while she was out. She looked at the chronometer... she'd been out for two days. About what she expected.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, she checked her personal messages, immediately closing it when she saw that it had been flooded with mail. She'd deal with that later. "EDI, where is Lieutenant Vega?"

"Lieutenant Vega is not on board the Normandy. I believe he had a meeting with Admiral Anderson in HQ."

Interesting. Well, she'd find out soon enough. She decided to make a quick round of her ship, check out the damage and see how the crew was getting on.

There had been quite a bit of damage to the forward hull, but only one hull breech. She found Joker and EDI in the cockpit, discussing how to attempt procreation. EDI was already designing new equipment for the venture. She wanted a new sentient shuttle, but Joker wanted a copilot. Shepard amused herself listening to their banter for a while before deciding to go back to HQ to find James.

Outside the base, crowds of mindless husks and other reaper nasties were milling around, purposeless. From the conversations she passed, there was a hot debate as to whether to just kill them all, or try to care for them until they knew if they could be reverted to their original form.

Not her problem. It was interesting, what this new development had done to her. She felt lighter somehow. She had made the hard choice, and it had been the right choice. No fight had been harder than the one she had fought inside herself. And she had won it.

She took the stairs at a trot, ignoring the twinge in her side with a smile. When she neared the command outpost, she could hear raised voices.

"... why it has to happen now. I mean, we're just picking up the pieces here."

"I know, Lieutenant, but we still have a few fights on our hands. The Yahg have chosen this moment to launch an invasion of their nearest neighboring systems, knowing we're too weakened to counter-attack. Evidently they've been planning this from first contact. We all know how quickly they learn and develop, and they've had sixty years to build up. They don't yet have access to the mass relays, but it's only a matter of time. We need more N7 operatives, and we need them now."

She stopped in the hallway, still unseen. Of course. They'd want him to finish the N7 program, especially if the Yahg were on the move. A part of her mind already turning over fighting strategy against the powerful species as she backed away from the door and walked quickly down the steps, back the way she'd come. She needed to sort out her thoughts about this before she saw him.

She wasn't upset. A little sad because she'd miss him, of course. But perhaps when he was finished with the program he could come back to the Normandy. She could visit him when she was back on Earth... and now that the Citadel was here, she'd be close by.

Or could she?

She turned off the path to the little alley where James had been fuming over Cortez's death - could it really have been just three days before? She sat on a little stack of crates and turned the situation over in her mind.

He was too good a soldier to live in her shadow. Even though he had earned this training on his own merits, if she hung onto him while he finished his training it would likely make it harder for him. Not in the training itself, which would be brutal regardless. But he would certainly have his achievements questioned for having a famous war hero for a girlfriend. He would have to overcome being with her to get credit for his hard work. He deserved better.

Even when she won, she was still a dead end relationship. She sighed, but the depression didn't effect her like it once did. If it was going to work, it was going to work. She wasn't going to contort herself to fit into his life, and he shouldn't have to for her.

She rose from the crate, having made her decision. She hung back for a moment, seeing James approach. He looked like he was thinking hard about something. She could guess what. She stayed in the shadows and watched him walk. He was wearing dress blues for once, looking like he belonged on a recruitment poster.

There must have been upper brass in the meeting. She wasn't surprised. It wouldn't be the last time, she hoped he was prepared for that. He looked very uncomfortable in the uniform, which pulled tightly at his upper arms and chest. He was already unbuttoning the top few buttons in the heat of the midday sun.

Once he was out of sight, she walked back up the stairs to the command outpost where Anderson was. He was surprised to see her. "Shepard! Feeling better, I see? Good, good. I have a new assignment for you-"

"The Yahg?" She asked.

"That's right. Should've guessed you'd know the score as soon as you woke up."

"Makes sense. Hit us while we're down. What's the intel?"

"The Salarians are already working on a pathogen similar to the krogan genophage, but it's unlikely to work in the long run. The Yahg aren't like the Krogan; they're likely to come up with their own cure. So the Salarians are thinking of something that affects intelligence."

"Of course they are." Hard to say what would come of that. But again, not her problem. "What do you want me to do?"

"Our best bet is the Krogan. It's a good thing the cure came along when it did, or this wouldn't even be an option. I need you to head to the Krogan DMZ right away and assist Eve and Wrex in whatever way you can."

Sounded easy enough. "When?"

"As soon as possible. Joker sets repair estimates at three more days."

She nodded. Everything was still happening so fast. Down time wasn't an option, but then, she should have expected this.

Anderson went on. "You've done more for humanity and the galaxy than any of us could have asked for, Commander. I've been given the privilege to offer you the rank of Captain." He picked up something from his desk and walked toward her, pinning the new insignia on her collar. "Congratulations, Captain Shepard." They shook hands, then he smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. "I couldn't be more proud if you were my own daughter, Shepard. And I have one more thing for you." He picked up a datapad from his desk and handed it to her.

"Most of the Crucible teams made it to the escape pods after you activated the docking procedure. Your mother was among them." Anderson said as she read the datafeed. "She's recuperating at Huerta Memorial Hospital in the Citadel from some pretty serious burns, but she'll survive. Take a half day and visit her there on your way to the mass relay when the Normandy is repaired."

Her voice shook a little as she thanked him. He turned back to his work, allowing her a moment to pull herself together before she left the office.

She walked back to the ship in a daze, not seeing the people who stopped in their work, clearing rubble and rebuilding, to stand at attention or salute. Promotion. Hannah alive. James leaving.

What was she going to tell him?

On board the Normandy

After visiting Chakwas, Shepard grabbed some grub from the galley and went to her quarters. There were so many messages to get through. She hoped that James would be in her quarters when she got there, but the cabin was empty. She sat down to eat alone.

Each bite became more difficult. Why was it suddenly so hard to eat alone? She'd done it for years before she hooked up with James.

Goddamn that man! she thought, slamming her fork down and sitting back. She took a deep breath, but the anger didn't ebb. Why was she so angry lately? First the Catalyst, and now this. Where was her legendary cool?

She wanted to ask EDI where he was, hunt him down and tell him... a lot of things. But she didn't want to be that girl. She growled in frustration, biotics crackling.

She wanted to... to...

Standing up, she walked out of her quarters and took the lift to the cargo bay, where the hangar door was open to the earth. She walked down without looking for him there. She didn't want to see him, suddenly. She finally had a focus. She had an itch to scratch.

She walked back to where the men had been trying to clear the rubble from the main drag, connecting this base to the next shelter, "Stand aside, boys." They rushed out of her way as she breathed deep, legs slightly bent. Lightning coursed into the ground and her arms shot out, flinging throws and warps into the concrete and detritus. Unlike the pointless target practice from earlier in the year, this had a purpose. It was supremely satisfying to watch the concrete shatter, burst and smolder into dust. She kept going until she felt heat begin to build at her neck, her experimental L6x implants (courtesy of Cerberus) beginning to feel the strain.

By the end of it, she was feeling lighter. The servicemen gave her a wide berth as she walked away. She could take care of her own tension. Maybe she didn't need James to take the edge off...

"Itchy fingers, Commander?"

She looked up to see James, shirt unbuttoned and flapping in the breeze, his white undershirt showing sweat at the neck, leaning against a mako. "It's Captain, actually." She kept walking, ignoring the way she felt. "How long do we have?"

He was silent a moment before answering. "I need a lift to Rio as soon as the Normandy is done making repairs."

"Of course. I'll let Joker know." There was a pause. "I'll miss you."

They walked in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again. "I'm on my way to the Krogan DMZ. I'm not going to make a claim on you to distract you from your training, James. I want you to kick ass so I can see you on the battlefield again. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah." She looked at him. He was looking straight ahead, not happy but definitely understanding.

"Focus on your training. Probably best not to try to contact each other."

He nodded. They stopped walking and looked at each other. It was so strange to stand in the sun, with a peaceful breeze in their ears. "I love you." He said.

"I love you too. I always will." Her voice was matter-of-fact, devoid of feeling. He knew it meant that she was burying their intensity, and didn't try to provoke her into revealing it. "I have to go check on the repairs."

"Right." He watched her walk away. She didn't look back.

But her heart was pounding, making it more and more difficult to breath as she left him behind...

Epilogue will be published soon.