Sorry I'm late! Costumes I had to make, add in Halloween and like the icing on the cake my cell phone was stolen… My week has sucked major asshole. But I wrote this as fast as possible and got it out to you! WARNING! This chapter contains violence/abuse. For those of you who are light hearted read with caution.

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or its characters, Stephanie Meyers does. But I do own all rights to this story and the actions and script within it.**

Ch.13 Losing What's already Lost

Faithless – City and Colour

Please believe in what I say

Cause I'm running out of ways to convey

This lack of faith in myself

That's becoming my own personal hell

Vicious cold now settles in

My bones feel like their breaking through my skin

Well god damn you you're feeding on my loneliness

What an awful way to live, what a way to live

Get me out of this place

Cause I'm stuck in a rut and I can't stomach the taste

My lungs are filling up with dust

I feel bruised and broken with no one left to trust

Vicious cold now settles in

My bones feel like their breaking through my skin

God damn you you're feeding on my loneliness

But I will not let you in, I won't let you in

Bella POV

After I dropped the bomb Edward left in a rush and then Ethan gave me the silent treatment. Which is really unusual. So I quickly walked back to my hotel room and finished gathering my items and tossed them into my car. I went back inside and gave the key and all that to them. Once I had everything I drove back over to my brothers hoping to make peace but instead I got Tara.

"Oh! Hi Bella." She gave me an awkward smile and gestured for me to go inside. I stepped inside and shrugged out of my coat. I looked her over as subtly as possible trying to see a prego-woman belly. She was wearing a black wool looking dress type of thing and a pair of grey leggings along with some black ballet slippers but I couldn't tell if she was showing yet or not.

I had to admit I was curious about the little alien growing inside of her. "Hey Tara, Sorry I haven't seen you much." I wiggled my hands nervously in front of me and avoided looking at her hoping for a reason to exit the apartment quickly.

She waved her hand at me and walked into the kitchen. "No worries, You've been a little busy lately." She looked at me out of the corner of her eye and started making something to drink for herself. "Want some hot coco?"

I shook my head at her and went to sit down in the same spot at the table I had been at earlier. "So... How's the whole baby thing going?"

I watched as her face lit up and she came bouncing towards me and sat down next to me. "The baby is doing really well. I mean it's only the beginning but you know. I'm so excited! and your brother has been just great. At first I wasn't sure how this was ever going to work but we've got a good thing going and so far so good." She continued to beam at me and it was borderline creepy. Like Cheshire cat creepy, eyes wide and a smile that's too big for the face it's on.

"That's great. I'm really happy for you guys." I was happy for them but I don't think I hide the small resentment I had been keeping a secret to well.

She leaned in and put her hand on mine and I jumped at the contact. "You know Bella, I never meant for this to happen. I know this must be hard for you. Ethan tells me you've been on the road together for five years and having him stay here with me must make you feel uneasy. I just want you to know that I do like him and that even though this started because of the baby I genuinely care for him." She looked into my eyes and I saw the honesty her words held but I knew first-hand how easily it was for me to believe the lies.

I gently removed my hand from hers and tried to give her a reassuring smile. "Yeah... Well I'm just glad it's working of for you guys. I really should get going. Do you know where I can find Ethan?" I stood up and she followed.

"Okay... I think he went to the store. It's the one right down the street on the left." She held the door open for me and I nodded my head and went to turn around before she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. I stiffened on impact and made no move to return it. "Bella... He's hurting to you know, he misses you all the time. I know you don't owe me anything but if I could ask you for a favor... Don't leave yet. Just stay a little bit longer for him." She pulled away then and gave me a small smile. I watched her as she shut the door and I turned to lean against the wall beside it.

As I let her words sink in I felt a baggage of emotion crash over me. Anger because she didn't understand that Jasper was here and I couldn't let him find me again. Rage because he did find me. Fear of staying and the unknown. Hopelessness for the fact that I'm going to run again. Bitterness that Ethan wasn't going with me. But most of all guilt. Guilt for Ethan and what I have and continue to put him through. Hatred for Renee and Phil… and Hatred for myself because I feel so lost inside my own head.

I numbly walked down the condo hallway and went to the elevator. When it dinged to alert me it was opening I looked up and saw a familiar set of eyes. "Ethan..." I couldn't seem to form words as I didn't know what to say. We had been so close since we met and for the first time we were beginning to lose each other.

His eyes gave away no emotion but he walked up to me as he carried a small paper bag. "Hey B. Whatcha doing?" He tried to be casual but It didn't fool me.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I just... This is the first time I've ever been confronted by my past. I don't know how to handle it. I've ran from it ever since I left and now I feel like I ran only to run straight into it. Seeing him... It just hit me like a wrecking ball. I can't see him again Eth. I don't want to leave, you have to know that. I miss you. I really really miss you but I'm at a loss at what to do." Standing in the middle of the hallway and whispering to him was probably not the best way to have this conversation. And what I wanted more than anything in that moment was for Ethan to wrap me in his warmth and brotherly embrace and to just feel safe for a second but even if he offered it I didn't deserve it.

"So how long can you keep running from it Bella?" He's never been this upfront with me and in that moment I knew Ethan wouldn't put up with much more. I shook my head and looked at the floor not having an answer for him because if I were being honest I would run forever if that's what it took. "If you're going to leave I won't stop you, but I want to know who he is. If anything I deserve an explanation." His tone was final but I knew if I refuse he would let it go. But he was right; this explanation was the least I could give him.

I pushed the elevator button and Ethan followed as I stepped inside. He followed me in silence but I felt his eyes searching my face the entire time. We got to Cherry and I unlocked the doors. I sat on the driver's side as Ethan got into the passenger side and put his paper bag into the back seat. I looked straight ahead not really seeing the others cars parked in the parking garage and dug up the memories I didn't bury very well.

"We really going to have this conversation here?" Ethan sounded almost amused about sitting in Cherry like we had millions of times but staying parked here at his condo.

"It's fitting." I gave him a small smile as I leaned my head back while I closed my eyes. "Jasper Whitlock..." I let his name fall from my lips and allowed memories to crash over my skin. "You know when you get those small boxes of Dots candy and you open it and all you get is the nasty flavors but you get that one good one. And even though your pissed about the yellows and oranges and greens because there horrible you can't help but be so excited about that one red one you got. Well Jasper was my one red Dot in a box of bad ones."

"Now you're going to be a good little Marie for your teacher right?" Mama straightened out my dress as she spoke to me.

"Yes ma'am" I looked around at the school and was so excited about being out of my room.

"Very good. You have to line up at that door and do NOT make a scene when I leave like these other children or Mama's not going to be happy with you." Mama's words scared me and I knew I had better listen.

"I'll be good. I promise mama." I saw her give me a hard look and looked at the floor knowing she didn't like it when I called her mama.

"Isabella? I'm Ms. Cope your new teacher." Another lady said as she walked up to me. She was a little bit round and had very white hair.

"Hi Ms. Cope." I told her as I smiled a little at her. I was nervous about this lady. Mama said there were people in the world who liked to hurt little kids and that's why she had to keep me locked away and I was nervous Ms. Cope was one of those people.

"Are you excited for your first day at school?" She smiled at me and it didn't look mean like mama's usually did. I nodded at her and she told me to go inside and take a seat at any chair I wanted. As I walked inside I sat at the first chair I saw. A little bit later I was watching the other kids come in and saw that boy with the sunny hair. I always saw him at the house next to mine through my window. He looked around and then sat in the desk in front of me.

I looked at him and he saw me too. He smiled so big and put his backpack on the desk. "Hi! I'm Jasper." He pushed some of his sunny hair out of his face.

"I'm..." I looked at him confused because I wasn't sure what to say, mama called me Marie but Ms. Cope called me Isabella. And I never talked to other people so I didn't know which one was right and I didn't want mama to be mad if I said the wrong one. I got up and walked over to him and cupped my hand over my mouth and whispered in his ear so mama couldn't hear. "I think you can call me Isabella."

He laughed and looked over at me and his eyes looked like honey. "That's a long name. Can I call you something else?"

"Like what?" I didn't want to tell him about what mama calls me.

He put his hand on his chin and tapped his finger. "Hmmm. How's about Izzy?" He looked up at me and turned his head to the side. I turned mine too and smiled at him.

"Okay Jasper." He wrinkled his nose at me and shook his head.

"No you gotta call me something cool too!"

"Oh. Um like Jazz?" His face turned into a smile again and he nodded a lot. He was so nice. "You're my very first friend." I told him because it was true.

He stopped smiling and looked at me very serious. "You're my first friend too. We're gonna be friends forever, like batman and robin."

"Ever since that day we were as inseparable as possible. I told him I lived next door and he would sit by my window and talk to me sometimes, we would even play pretend. Our friendship continued to grow. About a year after that he realized what was happening at my house."

Jazzy sat outside my window whispering to me about how he liked trucks better than cars when I heard my name yelled from above. "Marie!" I could hear my mama crying and I knew it was bad.

"Jazzy! You have to go! I'll talk to you at school!" I quickly jumped up and grabbed the window to shut it just when I heard the door bang open.

"Marie!" I stood frozen as my mama came down the stairs. Her hair was messy and she had just stopped crying as she stared at me. "Why Marie? Why did you do this to me?" I didn't answer and she got madder. "Nobody will love me because of you! You did this Marie. If you were never born I could be happy!" She came towards me and grabbed my arm and dragged me to my bed.

I started crying even though I know I shouldn't have because she gets madder. "You're a monster you know that? You ruined me... and you're so very dirty no matter what I do I can't get your filth off of me." She raised her hand and I tried to move back but she was faster. I felt the sting on my cheek and asked her to stop.

"I'm sorry! please stop. I will be better I promise." I felt her hand grab my shoulder hard and push me. I crashed onto the floor and felt a little dizzy when my head hit the hard floor. I tried to focus on her but my head hurt so much. She started screaming again and I made my eyes open. She was walking back and forth with her hands pulling at her hair. I was getting dizzy again and before I went to close my eyes I saw a honey pair staring at me in horror.

I shot up worried that she would see him staring into my window. If she saw Jazzy she might hurt him too.

"Mama..." My chin wobbled as I tried to hold in a cry. She quickly turned around looked at me. Her face changed into a serene smile and she walked up to me and took my hand gently helping me off the floor.

"Let's get you clean Marie." She brought me to the bathroom and turned on the water. When she put the plug in she told me to get undressed and she started humming. It was a sweet sound but I hated it, it meant bad stuff was going to happen. We watched the water fill up and I saw hot air coming from the water.

"In you go Marie." I looked at her and then the water. As I got close to the tub I stopped.

"It's gonna be too hot though." I saw her eyes change for a moment before she stood and picked me up.

"Well you have to be clean. Hot water is the best thing to clean dirty things with. And you're very very dirty Marie." She quickly put me in the tub and I screamed when I felt how hot it was. I started moving to get out; doing anything I could to stop the pain. "Stop moving NOW." I cried but listened no matter how much it hurt because that was her scary voice. She grabbed a sponge that she used on dishes and put soap on it.

She hummed that song again and started to scrub my skin. I was in too much pain though. I felt like I was burning and I begged for her to let me out. She started scrubbing harder and it only hurt worse. My skin was so red and some spots she scrubbed had a little bit of skin that started to peel off. "Mama please! Stop!" but she didn't until she had scrubbed my whole body and the water had gone cold. Her eyes showed no emotion and her smile always stayed on her face as she hummed the melody to me.

"Tsk. You're still disgusting. Always a monster Marie, how could I ever love a monster like you?" She left me in the tub as I continued to cry and told me to go back to my room. I dragged my cold and painful body to my room and pulled on my jammies. It hurt so much but I didn't want anyone to see how ugly I looked. When I crawled into bed I looked at my window and was very happy Jazzy was gone.

"When I went to school the next day I remember Jasper grabbing my hand and telling me she was a villain. That he knew villains because his father was one too." I chuckled as I remembered what he told me. "He said that if there are villains around then there have to be Hero's, and that he would be my hero and save me. He was such a cheese ball when we were kids."

I looked over at Ethan and he looked upset. He swallowed thickly. "God she's so fucking psychotic. I swear I could literally strangle that bitch." I knew he hated hearing about my past. "So what happen between then and now? Why don't you want to see him?"

I closed my eyes as I felt a few tears escape. "I can't- it's a long story Ethan. I'll tell you I promise. Just not right now. To make it simple though, he broke his promise and that broke me. I probably shouldn't be as upset and act the way I am about it but it was the biggest betrayal I've ever felt. The one person I had put all my faith in and held on a pedestal let me fall irreparably." I knew it wasn't an explanation but it was what I could give at the moment. "I know it may seem like I haven't dealt with the past because I keep running but you've given me something Ethan. You gave me hope, and that's something I never thought I'd get to have again. I put everything I had left into you and Charlie. You're all I've got and I've tried this whole time not to compare you to Jasper because your both very different but having him around brings me back to fearing that I've put too much faith in you."

He grabbed hand and I looked over at him. "You've never put too much faith me. I will never fail you Bella. Whatever he did I would never do. Do you understand me? Bella I'd give my life for you if it came down to it without any hesitation. Me staying here doesn't mean I care for you any less, I've wanted to just settle down for a while now even though I didn't plan on knocking Tara up this gave me the opportunity to do that. I love you doll face, more than you can imagine. If I had known about you I would have fought for you from the beginning. No matter what B I'm here with you till the end."

I nodded my head because I knew how much he meant those words. He just didn't understand that at the time Jasper had meant what he said to. People change and along with that their minds change with them.

I gave him a smile not letting him see the agony I was feeling. I loved Ethan very much and at that moment I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything in my power to make him proud.

"I'll stay Ethan. Not forever... But for a while." He beamed at me and I laughed at his childish face. He leaned over the seat and grabbed me into a hug. I tried to let go of the hell I'm putting self through in my own mind. Because inside I felt like I was going insane, a war raged between my mind, my heart, and my fear. I didn't think I could make it through this time. But of one thing I was sure… I would not let Jasper Whitlock get to me ever again.

"Switch me seats Smellerella. I've been itching to drive Cherry again." I pulled myself to the present and laughed as we switched seats.

"Like you had that itch that one time Crabby?" He abruptly stopped reversing and shot daggers at me.

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Have a great one!

Nessieness