The sun was shining against her skin and even in the brisk weather, she was sweating. He shivered every time she touched him, his eyes rolling. They let the breeze play over them and the sun shine on them as they moved together.
She was enthralled by him. The silken skin, the scars- he was a mosaic of marks and scars, a creature of such beauty- but he acted as though she was the only thing in the world, the only thing that he wanted to feel. His attentiveness made her feel like her skin was burning. Her lips and fingers touched every inch of him.
She wasn't a prude, but she was a lady, and this behavior was so unlike her- he had disarmed her completely. The way he looked at her, the deep, knowing look that make her feel like he knew her soul... she felt like she knew his, too. She was certain, completely convinced that there was nothing in the world that she should be doing in this time they had than touching him. She trusted him completely, as though she'd known him for decades instead of a day. She felt giddy, not afraid of people passing by as she pulled his shirt open. She wanted to touch and taste and smell.
She pulled her dress off, somehow unafraid, any shyness burned away by this stranger who seemed so familiar. She wrapped her legs up around his hips, murmuring against his ear between kisses. "Please. I'm a grown woman and I want you. This is our time."
He was staring into her eyes, as though he were looking for something. "Are you sure? I don't want to break your faith."
Her eyes were examining him, she raised her hips a little, pressing against him. "When you look at me, I feel like you're seeing more than everyone else. That you understand me. You never know how long you have. Right now, we have time and I want you."
The look on his face as he caught his breath- so brooding and serious but still full of want made her breath come faster, and then his mouth was against hers again, and he shifted a little, pressing into her. It was the strangest feeling, like her heart or some unknown piece deep inside of her was reaching for him, that she was embracing him with more than just her arms and legs. She felt like she'd been turned inside-out, the parts of her that never felt the sun or saw the light were holding him close, begging him to stay.
He had one arm wrapped around her, but his other elbow was pressed next to her shoulder, caressing her face and running his fingers through her hair. He made her feel beautiful- had since that first blushing compliment- but that sweet stammer and blush hid a man made of steel. She could feel it in the planes of his body and see it in his eyes. Those strong, capable hands were touching her like she was a work of art, running all along her body.
He brushed a lock of hair from her face as he thrust again and her back arched as she gasped. He kissed her like he'd been waiting for her forever. Soft yet calloused fingers stroked gently over her face and lips, over her throat, where he pressed a kiss to her birthmark, making her utter a hushed groan.
He took his time, touching her everywhere just as she touched him; but she wasn't as cautious. She was strong, capable of defending herself, but she felt free and wanted and truly happy, a feeling she wasn't used to. Everything was work, life and death always hanging in the balance. Here, she just got to exist, bare flesh pressed against the beautiful man on top of her, and for the first time in her life, she actually wanted to stay. If this was what life could be, this delightful torture of his body inside her, of someone who wasn't afraid of strange or weird; who actually seemed to embrace it, then this was what she was looking for.
She could make a home here, in this town where weird was expected. She could make a difference.
Their kisses were frantic, but the way he moved inside her, the way he held her; that felt like eternity. Like he was trying to explain something to her, something huge and strange and life-altering. She squeezed her legs tighter around him, begging him to tell her more.
He growled low in his throat, pushing into her with renewed vigor. Yet no matter how hard he thrust, he never hurt her. In fact she wanted more, pushing her hips up to meet him. He kissed her deeply, his free hand moving to cup her breast and she was gasping, her body clenched tight around him.
He moved a little more slowly as she rode the climax out, his hips swiveling as she cried out. "That's right, baby. Let me hear you. Your voice is so beautiful. You're beautiful." He was murmuring against her lips as she pressed her fingers to his back.
He was so strong. So much stronger than she would have guessed from his wiry build. She rubbed her cheek against the stubble on his face, whispering, "Tell me what you like, what you want."
"I want you." He thrust hard again and her eyes fell closed, mouth open. It was less than a second before his tongue was in her mouth, and still he tasted divine. Vanilla, cinnamon and something she couldn't place. Didn't really have the focus to think it out, either. They rocked together and she held him tightly, every possible inch of her skin touching his.
The way he touched her, it was like she was the only thing in the world he could feel, and it made her feel treasured and special, proud and amazing. A man like this, he could have any girl on the street, and yet he'd pursued her, listened to her and chosen to spend time with her. Being surrounded by men, she had more than her share of attention from the opposite sex, but most had been run off with a stern look, uninterested when they realized she wasn't some brainless floozy like half the women out there.
But him, it had only attracted him more. And now here they were, making love under the sun, both trying to give each other the world.
His jaw clenched and he pushed harder, treating her like an equal, not some breakable china doll, and she couldn't catch her breath- it was like the air was unnecessary, that he was all she wanted. This amazing, mysterious man who was so beautiful to her that he made her heart thud erratically. Her back arched, entire body taut with strain, and he kissed her again, inhaling her ragged cries, watching her intently.
She brought her hands to his face, tracing her lips over his. "I need you, Please, I want to feel you. It's okay, I trust you."
His mouth fell open, eyes rolled back in ecstasy as he pressed harder, his free hand stroking down her body and pulling her leg higher up on his hip as he loosed a low groan, thrusting faster, over and over like he'd been waiting for years and not the small amount of time since they'd met. She wanted this, wanted him, and she whispered his name as she came around him again, feeling so close to him, yet not close enough. She desperately wanted more of him. She wanted a thousand nights and afternoons like this, bare and together like she was the only thing in his world.
Like he loved her.
She kept her arms and legs wrapped around him as long as she could, though it wasn't nearly long enough for her. She wanted to sleep in his arms, to make him breakfast. She wanted to sit in his lap and look through the newspaper with him. For the first time since she could remember, she wanted to share herself with a man- her whole self, not just the pretty face. A beautiful future-fantasy zoomed through her mind; dates, more picnics. She imagined making love to him in the rain, how beautiful he would look asleep.
She even imagined things she'd never really considered a part of her future; proposals, maybe a small wedding. Silly, girly daydreams she had never been interested in before. She imagined carrying his children, how he would look holding their babies in his arms. Things she would never ever consider with any of the boorish, typical men she'd dated in the past. Like a switch had been flipped inside her, she felt like a whole different woman, someone she barely recognized.
Just before he slid from her body, she touched his face, one hand squeezing the back of his neck.
"Could you ever love a girl like me, Nathan?" The question was soft, and she brushed her fingers over his lips and he kissed them.
"Sarah, I think I've loved you from the minute I first laid eyes on you."
Mara woke with a gasp, heart thudding and tears already leaking from her eyes. She was still curled in a ball on the couch, but she wasn't sure where Duke was. Anxious, she glanced over to see Audrey and Nathan. Audrey was awake, but Nathan was asleep. She wiped her eyes furiously, trying to get herself under control and fighting desperately not to look at Nathan. She was trembling, she noticed.
"Where's Duke?" Mara whispered to Audrey. She was terrified that she'd accidentally talked in her sleep again.
"He went to the store to get some groceries and more Tylenol." Audrey's voice was gentle and calm, obviously trying not to wake Nathan, but the expression on her face was inscrutable. "Do you want to tell me about your dream? You seemed so peaceful and happy, but you're crying."
Mara blushed crimson. "Just an old memory. Did I... talk in my sleep? I guess I do that sometimes."
Audrey smiled faintly. "No, you didn't. But I can't help but wonder what kind of dream could make you look so very happy and then wake crying."
Mara looked away, embarrassed. "It's not a fun story, just a memory that I saw differently than anyone else involved, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Between the illness and so much on my mind, it all jumbled up and just... happened. Sorry."
She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to calm down. How embarrassing. At least she hadn't talked. Her eyes gravitated to Nathan, finally really seeing how he looked when he was asleep next to the woman he loved. He was as beautiful as she had imagined, and it made her ache.
Audrey cocked her head. "Was it about Nathan?"
Emotionally raw and vulnerable, Mara didn't think before she said, "No."
The light flashed and her arm sliced open, closing again. "Sorry. I'm still... yeah, it was about him. I'm sorry, Audrey."
Audrey gave her the look she generally reserved for when she was trying not to roll her eyes. "Please talk to me, Mara. I won't be upset."
Mara took a deep breath, pulling her legs up so she could hug her knees to her chest. "I dreamed about when I met Nathan. When James was conceived. You know I'm in love with Duke, it's just... especially in dreams, it's hard to put everything into perspective. Like I said, more of a memory than a dream.
"I spent so long believing I was in love with him, that he loved me. I can't even describe the pain of knowing it was all about you, but that's not your fault. Or his. I just need time to get over this malfunction. I know that technically I never could have been in love with him- you can't be really in love with someone unless they love you back. But for a long time, I believed he was the only one who saw me, and that he cared about me." She shook her head and laughed bitterly.
"One of the reasons I wanted to stay in Haven was because of him. Do you have any idea how rare it was for a woman of my background, in the fifties, to have a child out of wedlock? Especially in a small town, and that I got pregnant my very first week here? Men thought I was a slut, women shunned me. There would be nasty letters or propositions in my mail box several times a month- several times a week, even. There was a tavern here back then, and the bartender actually nicknamed a drink 'The Vernon'. Said it went down easy. Half the reason Vince's wife left him is because he defended me, and that made some people think he was the father."
She pressed her forehead against her knees, making herself smaller. "It's stupid, and people now laugh about how uptight things were then, but it's harder to actually have lived through them. It was just a dream. I'm embarrassed. I'm not trying to be inappropriate or anything. I can't get rid of the memories. You remember everything from the time you started. I remember every lifetime. Every single one. And it took me this long to get to the point where I was desperate and... vulnerable enough to try to cling onto that kind of- I don't know what to call it. Not love, obviously. I'm not the kind of person a man like him would ever love. Emotion. I hate that I got stupid."
Audrey moved to sit next to Mara, stroking her hair. "Having feelings and wanting to be loved isn't stupid, Mara. It's natural. You were in a terrible position. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself."
"No." Mara shook her head but leaned into Audrey's hand. "I wish I wasn't so hard on Nathan. I don't want to be angry, I didn't want to hate him- and I swear I didn't hate him until he said the words that negated what he told me when I was Sarah. I forgive him. But I already trust so few people, and feeling like- like I was't even a consolation prize, just a disposable stand-in, it burned. I keep expecting my skin to bubble up and blister, but the damage only shows inside me, where none of you can see. So I look like I'm this monster, having a glorious time at the expense of everyone around me. All because I was born different. Because of an ability I probably wouldn't have thought to ever use on people if my damned mother wasn't hurting them!"
She was still sick and weak, but the angry, nervous, sad energy pushed her up off the couch, pacing slowly with her arms around herself. "I wasn't garbage, Audrey. I wasn't disposable. I cared about people, I wanted to save the world. Every wounded veteran, every Troubled person I would go on to meet. And I was so happy when I realized I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't get him back, but carrying his child-" the tears flowed faster now- "I felt like that baby proved that he did love me, that he might be far away, but he'd left part of his heart with me. But it was never me. It was you.
"Sometimes I think that's why James didn't make it. Because Nathan never really left anything with me besides some DNA, because his heart belonged to you. Then I feel guilty that James was born to the wrong mother. Maybe if he'd been yours, he could have lived a full life. You wouldn't have had to give him to strangers." Her body was too weak, she couldn't pace anymore. Instead, she stood in the middle of the room, hugging herself as tears rolled down her face.
"One of the worst parts, Audrey, is that I love Duke so much and I never want him to feel like he's some second choice. He's young and brilliant and beautiful and I'm... I don't age, but in your terms, I'm old and used and dented. Duke deserves so much better, but I'm too selfish to let go. As fucked up as I am, I still don't trust anyone else to love him the way he deserves to be loved."
Her eyes strayed to Nathan as Audrey patiently waited her out. "Since that one day, I dreamed about what he would look like asleep. He really is beautiful, especially asleep, with that little smile around his mouth. Do you know why I treated him so badly?"
When Audrey shook her head, Mara continued. "Because I loved him so much, but the moment I was able to see him with my own eyes and move my own hands, he despised me. There was no 'break up' or fight, it was just what seemed like pure love and then he looked at me and talked to me like I was a parasite. No adjustment at all. Can you imagine? You know how much he loves you. Now pretend he wakes up from this little nap and hates you, blames you for displacing the person he thinks owns your body. You fought with him once and were angry that he had the luxury of knowing who he was, that he was one person."
She laughed bitterly. "Now imagine he decided Lexie was the only one with the right to your body. Can't imagine, can you? Because it was always about you, Audrey. I'm amazed he even said the correct name back then. You'd stop being 'beautiful, amazing Audrey' and you'd suddenly be 'a pathetic, evil reminder of what he lost'. That's why I shot him. Because it felt like he had shot me. And no matter what anyone thinks, it wasn't your influence that kept me from shooting him again, from killing him. It was my own weakness. Because I still thought I loved him. I was glad when he hit me, I'd have rather taken a full-on beating than hearing the way he talked to me and seeing the look on his face."
Mara finally fell silent, wiping at her eyes while keeping her other arm around herself. She just stood in the middle of the room, staring at the floor.
Audrey approached her slowly, a little surprised when Mara let her hug her. "It's okay to feel that way, Mara. You're unique- nobody else has lived so many different lives, none of us has your history. I have some of your memories, but it's distinct what was yours and what's mine. We don't have the experience to truly understand what you've gone through. I had a single day in Haven where everything was backwards and wrong, and the fear when I found out I wasn't just me, but the short amount of time where I was buried underneath you was a nightmare. Yet you did it for over 500 years.
"The sheer strength that it's taken for you to still be here- standing even, while you're so sick- it baffles me. The idea of our roles being reversed, of me being in your position, it scares the hell out of me. I don't know if I actually could have made it through a single full Barn cycle, knowing what you went through. I was an emotional wreck after Arla kidnapped me. Now I wonder how much of my 'recovery' was just you, acting like it was business as usual. I'd rather be a part of your life, your friend, instead of being inside you- we both deserve that freedom- but sometimes I worry that I won't be as strong as you've been."
"It's not strength, Audrey. More like acceptance. Duke doesn't like when I say it, but if I expect the worst, anything else is a pleasant surprise. Right now, I'm still in shock. I keep expecting Dwight to call and either say Momma got away or he wants me to get the hell off your world. Maybe he still would if I wasn't the one with the knowledge to end the Troubles. It's Duke's gift, and at some point they'll all understand that you can take my place in that process. I believe Dwight is a good man, but right now he feels sad and guilty. When he gets over those emotions, I may still be told to leave."
Audrey hugged Mara again, and after a moment, Mara put her arms around Audrey, hugging her back and crying like a lost child or a girl with a broken heart.
In most ways, she was both.
"I love you, Audrey. I'm afraid of you and I'm sorry I was cruel, but I do love you." There was no light, no cuts, and Audrey hugged her harder.
"You have a home here, people who want you around. Me and Duke, Nathan and Gloria- I think you'll be surprised when you find how many friends you're going to make."
Neither of them noticed Duke leaning against the doorway watching them until he came forward, wrapping his arms around them both. "She's definitely right about that. While I was at the store, hand to god, six people asked me about you. It seems like the whole town is talking about Detective Parker's lost twin. People want to see you."
Filled with guilt, Mara looked up at Duke apologetically. "I had a sex dream about Nathan and I'm sorry. I didn't actually do anything, obviously, but I've never had a normal relationship and I feel like I was adulterous. Can you forgive me?" Her words were rushed and she wrapped one arm tightly around Duke, fisting her hand in his shirt.
Duke tightened his arms around both women, laughing. "If dreams count as sleeping with people, I might be the worst of all of you- even with centuries of a head start, Mara. I've had sex dreams about everyone on this boat, and that's just within the last week. Tell me, do you want to come home with me at the end of the day?"
"Of course I do. You know that."
"Then you have my blessing to dream about sex with anyone. They're dreams, Mara. You're not running around sleeping with everyone you see. The worst is when you have one of those dreams about someone you would never, ever really sleep with. I dreamed about having sex with the Rev once, can you imagine? And not like repressed-memory type, I mean like adult, mutual consent sex. I've had a sex dream about Gloria. Trust me, everyone has those dreams, and they're always kind of difficult to get over. It would be more unusual not to have those kinds of dreams. Is that really all you're panicking about?"
"I... wow, you and Gloria. Huh. But what I mean is, it was more of a memory than a dream and I feel guilty and... stupid. Stupid. And so embarrassed. I'm sorry, Duke."
"Don't be, beautiful. We've talked, you know what we have in common. It doesn't bother me."
Mara thought for a moment. "Isn't it funny? Nathan's the most 'reliable, respectable' of all of us, and yet he's had sex with everyone on this ship. This world is so backwards sometimes."
Audrey and Duke laughed, and Mara feared they'd wake Nathan. She was utterly mortified when he spoke without opening his eyes. "Least I never slept with the Rev."
She froze, rooted to the spot as Duke simply snarked back. "I dreamed about it, I didn't actually do it, Nate. There's a difference and you know it."
"I think I'm going to go lie down. You guys have a fun fight." She used her best 'bored' voice, but she was in rough shape, and even to her it sounded a little hysterical.
"Mara-" Audrey started to speak, and Mara interrupted with a strained smile.
"I'm trying to get well, we have lots of things to do, can't really do that until I'm well. Orbs to process, people to cure..." Mara was already backing toward the bedroom, gesturing with her hands the way Audrey did when she was uncomfortable. She backed into the door frame, banging her hip and shoulder. "Ow! Damn, I hate when I do that." She spun, retreating to the safety of the bed, pulling blankets up around her.
Okay. It was fine. She needed to calm down. How much could he have really heard, anyway? Yes, he'd probably been listening when she apologized to Duke, but would he have feigned sleep through her whole talk with Audrey? Had he heard Mara gushing over him like a stupid, love-struck teenager? Probably not. Maybe not.
But his voice had sounded pretty damn alert when he had spoken. And he was teasing Duke. He'd obviously been awake for awhile, but how long?
There was a knock at the bedroom door, and she pulled the covers up farther, calling out, "Come in, I'm decent."
Nathan opened the door, her water bottle in one hand and the Tylenol in the other. "You forgot your water and it's time to take more medicine. Duke is cooking. Did you hurt yourself on the door frame?" He strode into the room, picking up the thermometer as he passed the bed.
"I'm fi-uh, sorry. I mean it'll leave a bruise, but I bruise easily right now. No broken bones, no blood."
"Well, we should take your temperature. It's one of the 'in-the ear' thermometers, so just relax."
She was quiet as he put the thermometer in her ear, waiting for the little beep. She couldn't even look at him without blushing, and the feeling irritated her. She wasn't some hormonal teenager and they were adults. It was just a memory. She couldn't even say it was 'over' between them, because there had technically never been a real relationship to end. She had pined for him, but she'd never been anything but a novelty for him, a practice run for when he made his move with Audrey. They had made up, everything was fine. She had nothing to be embarrassed about.
"102.6, time for the pills." He sat on the edge of the bed, opening the bottle and shaking out two capsules that he handed her with her water. "You know, it's kind of hard to adjust to being able to feel things. I got so used to working around that handicap, it's like having to relearn everything again."
"Are you alright, though? I mean, are you in any pain? You had a lot of injuries you didn't notice that didn't heal right. Plus the original ailment that required the Aether to numb the pain. Do you hurt?"
He smiled softly, laughing under his breath. "Even the little aches and pains are kind of novel for me. But I don't hurt from anything that wasn't just an injury. No sign of whatever it was that you healed originally."
"But you are hurting, then. Here, can I touch you?"
He smiled the sweet, disarming smile that had gotten her the first time. She felt the blush rising in her cheeks.
"Sure, you can touch me. What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to give you your Trouble back. Kidding, kidding. I just want to check you for improperly healed injuries." She sat up farther, reaching to press her hands to his arms and letting the Aether flow between them, into his body and around, searching out weak spots, defects or badly set fractures. His poor body had really taken a lot of abuse when he couldn't feel. Even his arm, that doctors had repaired when he'd broken it sledding had healed slightly out of place.
She let some of the excess Aether she still hadn't processed out, pouring into him to repair the bone and tissue damage, to soothe the nerves that had been rubbed raw. In her less than ideal state, it gave her the same euphoria as giving a Gift, and she let it relax her, swaying just slightly as she repaired the damage to his body. Some scars faded a bit, others disappearing almost entirely. When the job was done, she patted his arm, relaxing back against the pillows.
Staring at her curiously, Nathan stretched his limbs, twisting to check his torso. "You fixed me- again. It feels different. Was there a lot wrong?"
She shrugged. "When you can't feel, you aren't cautious about taking care of things that are injured. That makes them heal wrong, sometimes. Between that and your gait, being on your feet so much, there was some bone and nerve damage. I expected it, honestly. Like you said, you have to relearn things, because the way you moved and the things you did that were hard on your body caused scarring and since you couldn't feel them, you just kept going.
"I told you before, I used to be a healer. So I fixed it. You need to really enjoy having your body back to normal, the way it was before your Trouble activated. Well, the way it was when you were born, I guess. You had a lot of injuries from before, too."
Oops, she was rambling again. The euphoria had relaxed her perhaps a little too much. She pressed her lips together, smiling to hide her discomfort as she pulled the blanket higher.
"When you say 'before', do you mean from when I was a little kid? I've wondered about that a lot since I found out my dad wasn't... biologically related."
He just wanted answers. She understood that desire. He wanted to know about his childhood, and there was nobody left for him to ask but her. She owed him. It would be wrong to withhold information that he wanted, that was abut him.
"Yeah, Nathan. From when you were little. Whatever you want to know, I'll tell you. But you should understand, some things it's better not to have to remember. I don't doubt you can handle the knowledge, but I don't think you should try to unlock the memories, okay? It's harder to distance yourself from it when you actually remember. What do you want to know?"
"Everything. What happened to my mom, how my Dad got involved. Just everything."
"You know the basics- Max Hansen was abusive. He hurt your mom, he hurt you. Your mom, when you were about 4, finally got scared enough to ask for help. He'd been beating her for years, and hitting you, but as you got older, he got meaner, more determined to make you what he considered 'strong'. She didn't know everything he had done to you, but one day- it was a Wednesday, and she had gone on a job interview- she came home and saw him hurting you.
"He beat her up, knocked her out. Then he beat the hell out of you because he was mad he'd gotten caught. You know guys like that, they never take responsibility for their own misdeeds. When she came to, Max was passed out drunk. She grabbed you and ran for the police station.
"Garland was the cop who caught the case, and he liked your mom from the second he saw her. You were admitted to the hospital, and Garland brought her to see you. He sat with her and cried over you. He adored you, and was so afraid for you. So he made it his mission to put Hansen away, and he did- you've read that report. He married her, changed your name and never looked back."
Mara frowned a little, touching his arm again. "He really, truly loved you, Nathan. He let his fear for you get in the way sometimes, and he hated knowing that eventually he'd have to leave the burden of this town on your shoulders. So he was gruff and pushy. He was afraid you'd remember and regress, you didn't speak for so long after he met you. But he adored you. Even when your mom passed, there was never a question for him- you were his son and you belonged with him. So he did the best he could."
Nathan's eyes were red-rimmed, and he put his hand over where hers rested on his arm. "Do you think he regretted it? Getting personally involved, taking me in?"
Her voice was sharp and emphatic. "Never. He loved you from the moment he saw you, and you made him so proud. He couldn't have loved you any more if you had been his biologically. Never, ever doubt that. He had a terrible time showing it, but he loved you completely from day one. I swear it Nathan, and you'd know if I lied."
He smiled at Mara and she smiled back, hands still touching. Maybe they could do this- be friends. She still had a lot to learn about trusting people, but she was learning. He'd gone to bat for her and stuck around when she needed help. She shook her head as a small laugh escaped her. "You're a decent guy, Wuornos."
"You're pretty decent yourself, Mara. Get some rest." he stood up, pulling the blankets up around her. He leaned in a little to whisper, "I've had dreams about you, too. And I'm learning the difference between you and Audrey. No one is kicking you off this world. Everything is fine."
He smiled a little as she blushed, leaving the door cracked behind him.