Chapter Thirteen
Chloe woke up from her hour long nap and quickly made her way back to Brady's room. She slowly pushed the door opened and saw Belle sitting on the other side of Brady's bed. Belle looked up and greeted her with a smile.
"Hey... That was a short nap."
Chloe shrugged and took her usual seat across the bed from Belle. "Sometimes that's all you need. Did your dad have to leave or something?"
"Yeah, he got a call from work. Things have been crazy over there with Brady out, and my dad spending most of his time at the hospital."
"Just goes to show you how important Brady is to that company's success. As self-confident as he acts most of the time, I don't think he truly realizes how important he is to any of us." Chloe smiled slightly and leaned forward to hold his hand as she always did. "If it wasn't for him, my summer would have so been miserable last year."
Belle nodded in understanding. "So you've told me. You two definitely had a great time together."
"It was the best summer of my entire life... And when Brady wakes up, maybe I can have another one just like it."
"Chloe... Can I talk to you about something?"
Chloe nodded without hesitation and motioned for her to continue. "Of course, you can talk to me about anything."
Belle paused nervously and stammered at first. "You... You love my brother, right?"
"I think that's pretty obvious. Especially after this past week."
"Then how in the world are you holding yourself together so well? I thought I was being strong, but then I see you and you're like a rock, Chloe. I don't know how you're doing it. It's amazing."
Chloe shook her head and looked downward. "Don't admire for me that, Belle. Please. The way I've been... It's a mistake to act this way. It's just a defense mechanism. If I don't break down, then maybe none of this is real, right? It's just an act."
Belle stared at her in surprise. "An act? So, this is just your brave face?"
"Yeah, sorry to disappoint you. But, I'm no stronger than anyone else. Inside, I'm falling apart. I have all these feelings that I've been bottling up, and I know it's not good for me."
"Why? Chloe, why would you hide all of your feelings like that? You know you've always been able to talk to me about anything."
Chloe lifted her gaze and looked Belle in the eyes. "Because... If I start to cry, I'm afraid I'll never stop."
Belle sighed sadly. "And what's wrong with that? Sometimes you have to cry, it's the only way that you'll feel better. Release all the pain, the sorrow and move on... Trust me, it works."
"I just... I didn't want to feel weak. I wanted to be the strong one."
"Chloe, come on. That's not weak. It takes a very brave person to share their deepest feelings with another person. No matter what those feelings are. If you can open up like that, then that's strong, not weak."
Chloe chuckled softly and grinned at her friend. "Sometimes you are so frighteningly like your brother."
Belle grinned back at her. "That's a good thing, right?"
"Without a doubt. You know, it's weird. At first, I refused to cry, I didn't want to. And, then the day that Phillip was here... That's all I wanted to do. But, I couldn't. I was numb, Belle. Just unable to function on that level."
"Well, what do you want to do now?"
Chloe sighed softly, her face contorted with tension. "I want to cry. I want to feel the anger that I've been holding back. I want to let go of the pain. I have to get all of this out of my system so I can start to feel something other than what I feel right now."
Belle nodded in understanding and motioned for her to go ahead. "Then do it. I'm here for you if you need me. If you want a shoulder to cry on, you can have mine. If you want to throw things at the wall, and scream and yell, then we'll do that. If you want to hit something... Well, don't hit me. We'll get you a pillow or something."
Chloe laughed quietly and then ran her hands through her hair. She looked downward for at least two minutes, trying to gather her thoughts. Never having been good at expressing her feelings out loud, it took her a little longer to figure out what she needed to say. She didn't realize it, and wouldn't for several minutes but one tear had already begun to trickle down her cheek, as the dam inside her waited to burst.
Chloe lifted her head and Belle was looking at her expectantly. She dragged her chair around the bed so she could sit next to Chloe. Then she sighed softly and decided to break the ice. "Okay, I feel like I'm doing my mother's job. But, maybe it will help if I start things off. Just say the first thing that comes off the top of your head. Tell me exactly how you felt when I called you to come to the hospital."
"Afraid." Chloe answered without hesitation and frowned sadly. "I haven't told you this, I haven't told anyone... But, that night, I had called Brady at work and asked him to come over. That's where he was heading to when Phillip hit him. He was coming to my house. He was coming over because I wanted to tell him that I was in love with him. But, he didn't show up, so of course I was worried. And, as soon as I heard your voice, I knew something terrible had happened to him."
Belle's face dropped and she looked at Chloe sadly. "Oh God, Chloe. I'm so sorry."
"I was so scared. I still am. I'm afraid that he's never going to wake up, and I will never get the chance to tell him exactly how much he means to me. And, I'm angry. I am so angry, Belle, that it's almost blinding."
"Angry at who?"
Chloe's lower lip was quivering slightly and she threw her hands up in frustration. "At everything. I'm angry at Phillip, for being the cause of all of this. For thinking that he owned me, and he could control me the way that he tried to. And, for whatever part of him made him do what he did. I'm angry at God, which is a terrible thing to say, I know. But, when something like this happens, I can't help but feel that way. My life has had enough twists and turns, and when I finally thought I was going to have the kind of life I'd always dreamed of, this had to happen. It's not fair, it's not justified and it doesn't make sense to me."
Belle nodded in understanding and grabbed on to Chloe's free hand. "I know, and we all feel that way sometimes. Nobody understands why this happened to Brady. But, we have faith that things will get better, because they will."
"I want to believe that, I really do. But, all I can feel is anger and sorrow and fear. Do you want to know who I am the MOST angry at?"
"Who?"
Chloe paused and Belle reached over to grab some tissues from the nightstand. She handed them to Chloe, and Chloe stared at them strangely. She had been so caught up in her words, that she hadn't even realized she was crying. A slow, but steady, stream of tears had been falling from her eyes and Chloe swiped them away with her tissues. She shook her head in surprise, feeling a little bit of relief that she was finally getting emptying the black hole in her heart that had surfaced nearly eight days ago.
Chloe sniffled slightly and then looked Belle in the eyes, ready to answer the question still hanging in the air. "Me, Belle. I am the most angry at myself."
"But... This isn't your fault, Chloe. None of this is your fault."
"You know, you say that... And, maybe part of me can believe it. But, I can't help but take responsibility for all of this. I should have known how far Phillip could take his obsession, and I should have stopped it, but I didn't. I should have never let him control me and treat me the way that he did. And, I'm angry because I waited too long to tell Brady how I feel about him. I should have told him a long time ago, Belle, but I never really knew how. It took so long for me to be able to admit it to myself. So, when I was finally ready to tell him, it was too late. And, I may never get that chance back again."
Belle shook her head in denial. "Don't say that. You WILL have your chance. I know everything seems so bleak, but you have to have hope. Brady is strong, he's a survivor and he'll make it through this. You will have your chance to tell him everything you need to say."
Chloe smiled slightly and wiped more tears away. "That's another reason why I'm angry. This may sound silly or unbelievable, but I dreamt about Brady. And, in my dream he scolded me for losing hope and losing faith... for giving up basically."
Belle grinned and nodded in understanding. "That doesn't sound unbelievable. It sounds EXACTLY like my brother."
"Yeah, well... He told me a lot of things, Belle. And, he was right about all of them. It may just be that my subconscious is more wise than I am, I don't know. But the point is, he said that I have to let go of all that's bringing me down and find the beauty in life."
"The beauty in life? It makes sense. My mother used to tell us when were kids that no matter how bad life may seem, there is always something beautiful to live for."
Chloe nodded and sniffled loudly, the tears still flowing as she spoke. "I know, and she's right. And that's just another reason for me to be angry at myself. I've spent so much time thinking about what could have been, and what might never be, that I haven't focused on what I do have. And that's how I lost hope. I've been so worried about Brady not making it through this, that I haven't even paused to see the truth that is deep down inside of me. The truth that tells me that he will wake up, and everything will be okay even if he doesn't."
Belle smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "He will survive this. If you don't have hope, then I will. If you lose faith, I have plenty of it. This is just a speedbump, Chloe. It's just an obstacle to get through and we will get through it. All of us together. And that's the only way we can do it, is if we do it together. You can't hide all of these feelings anymore. That's what friends and family are for. Everybody needs someone to lean on, even you."
Chloe felt a sob erupt from her throat involuntarily. She nodded as Belle spoke, but her sobs grew with each word. Eight days of anger, fear and sadness was finally getting it's released. Belle pulled her closely and Chloe rested her head on Belle's shoulder as she continued to speak.
"Chloe... Sometimes the world doesn't make any sense, but someday it will. Maybe these things do happen for a reason. Maybe God wants to teach us to never take a single moment for granted. Not to let love, and the opportunity to experience it, ever pass us by. As terrible as everything feels right now, maybe it's God's way of saying that we need to learn to appreciate the wonderful things that we do have. And so that we never forget to let the people we love know how much we love them. I'm guilty of it too. I take so much for granted, and only focus on what was going wrong with my life. But, now I realize that I can't do that. I have to focus on the positive, and remember that the negative things just make all the beauty in life even more beautiful."
Chloe nodded slightly, but kept sobbing. She knew that Belle was right. So many times she had failed to tell Brady how much he meant to her, and it wasn't just him. Chloe had, on many occasions, treated her own mother shamefully and she regretted it deeply. She had failed in the past to show her friends, her mother, Craig and Brady how much she loved and needed them.
Belle held on to her tightly, giving her comfort as Chloe cried until her tear ducts went dry. She cried for her past, her regrets and her mistakes. And she made a silent promise to herself to never take a single moment for granted. Somehow in all the chaos of her life, she had forgotten how many things she was lucky to have, but she swore to herself that she would never do that again.
The two friends held on to each other for nearly an hour. As Chloe let go of her pain, she could almost feel a weight being lifted from her shoulders. The black hole inside her began to empty, leaving room for hope and love to find it's way back in.
***
(Hey, sometimes all you need is a good cry. Right?)
Chloe woke up from her hour long nap and quickly made her way back to Brady's room. She slowly pushed the door opened and saw Belle sitting on the other side of Brady's bed. Belle looked up and greeted her with a smile.
"Hey... That was a short nap."
Chloe shrugged and took her usual seat across the bed from Belle. "Sometimes that's all you need. Did your dad have to leave or something?"
"Yeah, he got a call from work. Things have been crazy over there with Brady out, and my dad spending most of his time at the hospital."
"Just goes to show you how important Brady is to that company's success. As self-confident as he acts most of the time, I don't think he truly realizes how important he is to any of us." Chloe smiled slightly and leaned forward to hold his hand as she always did. "If it wasn't for him, my summer would have so been miserable last year."
Belle nodded in understanding. "So you've told me. You two definitely had a great time together."
"It was the best summer of my entire life... And when Brady wakes up, maybe I can have another one just like it."
"Chloe... Can I talk to you about something?"
Chloe nodded without hesitation and motioned for her to continue. "Of course, you can talk to me about anything."
Belle paused nervously and stammered at first. "You... You love my brother, right?"
"I think that's pretty obvious. Especially after this past week."
"Then how in the world are you holding yourself together so well? I thought I was being strong, but then I see you and you're like a rock, Chloe. I don't know how you're doing it. It's amazing."
Chloe shook her head and looked downward. "Don't admire for me that, Belle. Please. The way I've been... It's a mistake to act this way. It's just a defense mechanism. If I don't break down, then maybe none of this is real, right? It's just an act."
Belle stared at her in surprise. "An act? So, this is just your brave face?"
"Yeah, sorry to disappoint you. But, I'm no stronger than anyone else. Inside, I'm falling apart. I have all these feelings that I've been bottling up, and I know it's not good for me."
"Why? Chloe, why would you hide all of your feelings like that? You know you've always been able to talk to me about anything."
Chloe lifted her gaze and looked Belle in the eyes. "Because... If I start to cry, I'm afraid I'll never stop."
Belle sighed sadly. "And what's wrong with that? Sometimes you have to cry, it's the only way that you'll feel better. Release all the pain, the sorrow and move on... Trust me, it works."
"I just... I didn't want to feel weak. I wanted to be the strong one."
"Chloe, come on. That's not weak. It takes a very brave person to share their deepest feelings with another person. No matter what those feelings are. If you can open up like that, then that's strong, not weak."
Chloe chuckled softly and grinned at her friend. "Sometimes you are so frighteningly like your brother."
Belle grinned back at her. "That's a good thing, right?"
"Without a doubt. You know, it's weird. At first, I refused to cry, I didn't want to. And, then the day that Phillip was here... That's all I wanted to do. But, I couldn't. I was numb, Belle. Just unable to function on that level."
"Well, what do you want to do now?"
Chloe sighed softly, her face contorted with tension. "I want to cry. I want to feel the anger that I've been holding back. I want to let go of the pain. I have to get all of this out of my system so I can start to feel something other than what I feel right now."
Belle nodded in understanding and motioned for her to go ahead. "Then do it. I'm here for you if you need me. If you want a shoulder to cry on, you can have mine. If you want to throw things at the wall, and scream and yell, then we'll do that. If you want to hit something... Well, don't hit me. We'll get you a pillow or something."
Chloe laughed quietly and then ran her hands through her hair. She looked downward for at least two minutes, trying to gather her thoughts. Never having been good at expressing her feelings out loud, it took her a little longer to figure out what she needed to say. She didn't realize it, and wouldn't for several minutes but one tear had already begun to trickle down her cheek, as the dam inside her waited to burst.
Chloe lifted her head and Belle was looking at her expectantly. She dragged her chair around the bed so she could sit next to Chloe. Then she sighed softly and decided to break the ice. "Okay, I feel like I'm doing my mother's job. But, maybe it will help if I start things off. Just say the first thing that comes off the top of your head. Tell me exactly how you felt when I called you to come to the hospital."
"Afraid." Chloe answered without hesitation and frowned sadly. "I haven't told you this, I haven't told anyone... But, that night, I had called Brady at work and asked him to come over. That's where he was heading to when Phillip hit him. He was coming to my house. He was coming over because I wanted to tell him that I was in love with him. But, he didn't show up, so of course I was worried. And, as soon as I heard your voice, I knew something terrible had happened to him."
Belle's face dropped and she looked at Chloe sadly. "Oh God, Chloe. I'm so sorry."
"I was so scared. I still am. I'm afraid that he's never going to wake up, and I will never get the chance to tell him exactly how much he means to me. And, I'm angry. I am so angry, Belle, that it's almost blinding."
"Angry at who?"
Chloe's lower lip was quivering slightly and she threw her hands up in frustration. "At everything. I'm angry at Phillip, for being the cause of all of this. For thinking that he owned me, and he could control me the way that he tried to. And, for whatever part of him made him do what he did. I'm angry at God, which is a terrible thing to say, I know. But, when something like this happens, I can't help but feel that way. My life has had enough twists and turns, and when I finally thought I was going to have the kind of life I'd always dreamed of, this had to happen. It's not fair, it's not justified and it doesn't make sense to me."
Belle nodded in understanding and grabbed on to Chloe's free hand. "I know, and we all feel that way sometimes. Nobody understands why this happened to Brady. But, we have faith that things will get better, because they will."
"I want to believe that, I really do. But, all I can feel is anger and sorrow and fear. Do you want to know who I am the MOST angry at?"
"Who?"
Chloe paused and Belle reached over to grab some tissues from the nightstand. She handed them to Chloe, and Chloe stared at them strangely. She had been so caught up in her words, that she hadn't even realized she was crying. A slow, but steady, stream of tears had been falling from her eyes and Chloe swiped them away with her tissues. She shook her head in surprise, feeling a little bit of relief that she was finally getting emptying the black hole in her heart that had surfaced nearly eight days ago.
Chloe sniffled slightly and then looked Belle in the eyes, ready to answer the question still hanging in the air. "Me, Belle. I am the most angry at myself."
"But... This isn't your fault, Chloe. None of this is your fault."
"You know, you say that... And, maybe part of me can believe it. But, I can't help but take responsibility for all of this. I should have known how far Phillip could take his obsession, and I should have stopped it, but I didn't. I should have never let him control me and treat me the way that he did. And, I'm angry because I waited too long to tell Brady how I feel about him. I should have told him a long time ago, Belle, but I never really knew how. It took so long for me to be able to admit it to myself. So, when I was finally ready to tell him, it was too late. And, I may never get that chance back again."
Belle shook her head in denial. "Don't say that. You WILL have your chance. I know everything seems so bleak, but you have to have hope. Brady is strong, he's a survivor and he'll make it through this. You will have your chance to tell him everything you need to say."
Chloe smiled slightly and wiped more tears away. "That's another reason why I'm angry. This may sound silly or unbelievable, but I dreamt about Brady. And, in my dream he scolded me for losing hope and losing faith... for giving up basically."
Belle grinned and nodded in understanding. "That doesn't sound unbelievable. It sounds EXACTLY like my brother."
"Yeah, well... He told me a lot of things, Belle. And, he was right about all of them. It may just be that my subconscious is more wise than I am, I don't know. But the point is, he said that I have to let go of all that's bringing me down and find the beauty in life."
"The beauty in life? It makes sense. My mother used to tell us when were kids that no matter how bad life may seem, there is always something beautiful to live for."
Chloe nodded and sniffled loudly, the tears still flowing as she spoke. "I know, and she's right. And that's just another reason for me to be angry at myself. I've spent so much time thinking about what could have been, and what might never be, that I haven't focused on what I do have. And that's how I lost hope. I've been so worried about Brady not making it through this, that I haven't even paused to see the truth that is deep down inside of me. The truth that tells me that he will wake up, and everything will be okay even if he doesn't."
Belle smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "He will survive this. If you don't have hope, then I will. If you lose faith, I have plenty of it. This is just a speedbump, Chloe. It's just an obstacle to get through and we will get through it. All of us together. And that's the only way we can do it, is if we do it together. You can't hide all of these feelings anymore. That's what friends and family are for. Everybody needs someone to lean on, even you."
Chloe felt a sob erupt from her throat involuntarily. She nodded as Belle spoke, but her sobs grew with each word. Eight days of anger, fear and sadness was finally getting it's released. Belle pulled her closely and Chloe rested her head on Belle's shoulder as she continued to speak.
"Chloe... Sometimes the world doesn't make any sense, but someday it will. Maybe these things do happen for a reason. Maybe God wants to teach us to never take a single moment for granted. Not to let love, and the opportunity to experience it, ever pass us by. As terrible as everything feels right now, maybe it's God's way of saying that we need to learn to appreciate the wonderful things that we do have. And so that we never forget to let the people we love know how much we love them. I'm guilty of it too. I take so much for granted, and only focus on what was going wrong with my life. But, now I realize that I can't do that. I have to focus on the positive, and remember that the negative things just make all the beauty in life even more beautiful."
Chloe nodded slightly, but kept sobbing. She knew that Belle was right. So many times she had failed to tell Brady how much he meant to her, and it wasn't just him. Chloe had, on many occasions, treated her own mother shamefully and she regretted it deeply. She had failed in the past to show her friends, her mother, Craig and Brady how much she loved and needed them.
Belle held on to her tightly, giving her comfort as Chloe cried until her tear ducts went dry. She cried for her past, her regrets and her mistakes. And she made a silent promise to herself to never take a single moment for granted. Somehow in all the chaos of her life, she had forgotten how many things she was lucky to have, but she swore to herself that she would never do that again.
The two friends held on to each other for nearly an hour. As Chloe let go of her pain, she could almost feel a weight being lifted from her shoulders. The black hole inside her began to empty, leaving room for hope and love to find it's way back in.
***
(Hey, sometimes all you need is a good cry. Right?)