In this chapter you may find some-er-characters from another famous book series (even though I myself don't like that book series and have only seen the movies once) So another disclaimer out to the author, mad prompts to him, and if you guys can't identify the characters, well then-laugh and act like it's funny.

That Loser

Chapter 13: Leprechauns, Giants, and Hobbits, Oh my!

Harry woke up that day and knew it was going to be a bad day. How did he know this you wonder? Was it the fact that his alarm clock woke him up two hours early? Or that Scabbers had chewed a hole through his sock? Or that halfway down to the Great Hall he remembered that he had forgotten to do his homework the night before? Or the fact that they didn't serve pancakes for breakfast? No, it would have to be because everyone's robes had appeared to turn pink overnight.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Professor Lockhart burst through the doors to the Great Hall, throwing confetti into the air and dazzling the fan girls in his gold and pink hearted robes.

Once Lockhart had been seated, beaming at the students, Professor Dumbledore stood up from his seat at the teacher's table. "Attention students, Professor Lockhart has most willingly thrown us quite an event. So we will celebrate this holiday in style. So don't be surprised if you meet one of these young fellows." He indicated to the little men with big hairy feet, decked out to look like cupid. "They're just here to deliver some, uh, letters around." The Professor continued, "That is all, and may everyone have a lovely Valentine's Day." He promptly sat down.

And it all seemed to be true; everyone was treating this holiday with style, some with and without (student's robes) their own consent. Why even Dumbledore had a red heart pin pinned to…his propeller hat?

Harry glared into his porridge. Ron had yet to arrive and Hermione looked all a flutter. She had a big book out: Romantic Tensions: How to Control a Relationship, and had just circled a big-block typed passage: THE BIG DAY.

After ten minutes or so a very disgruntled Ron walked into the Great Hall and made his way towards Harry and Hermione.

Discreetly, Hermione quickly stuck her foot out. And after Ron had picked himself up from the ground, tried to heal his bloody nose, and popped his elbow back into place, he relayed his reason as to why he had been late to breakfast.

"I was searching for regular robes," Ron pointed down at his pink ones, he sounded like he had a cold, with those pieces of napkin stuck up his nostrils.

"Today just bites." Harry grumbled into his pumpkin juice.

"You're telling me." Ron replied sadly. And the smell of peanut butter wafted across the hall.

The day didn't start totally sucking until Harry set out for Charms. He was already five minutes late and had packed way too may books in his backpack. So half bent over and running as fast as he could with twenty pounds on his back, Harry was desperately trying to get to class.

"AIIEEEE!" a voice yodeled out behind Harry. And Harry, having-at least more brains than Ron- decided it would be in his best interest to keep running. Then came the shower of arrows.

One zipped nearby his head, another nicked the corner or his backpack, ripping it open at the seams, and one more pinning the end of his bright pink robes to the floor.

Terrified, Harry tried to scoop his books into his arms and rip free from the arrow pinning him to the ground. There were too many people around, and he knew only one thing that would have a pink-heart arrow.

The Cupid Hobbits.

And then he saw it, standing to the almighty height of three and a half feet, in a diaper, carrying a harp and a letter.

The crowds around Harry stopped and gathered; wondering what was happening or really, and most likely, wanting to watch someone else's misery.

The cupid hobbit fingered a chord.

"Nooo…" Harry moaned, burying his head in his hands.

"'Oh your eyes are as green as the color's of Slytherin,

Your socks as rank and damp as the Chamber of Secrets,

You're the boy we conquered the Dark Lord-and need to do it again in the form of a diary-

Otherwise, you're so smart and divine,

I'd wish you'd be mine.

Love Ginny-who is under mind control!'"

The cupid-clad Hobbit finished.

Harry sat straight up, that had to be the most important thing he learned today-no not the love note, that wasn't anything-what he learned was that Hobbits were awful singers!

Harry, alas, made it to class five minutes late, but Professor Flitwick seemed slightly preoccupied; so Harry made the most of the situation and sat down beside Hermione and Ron without being counted tardy.

Huddled around Professor Flitwick's desk was all five of the Cupid Hobbits, they were talking franticly to the Professor, and the professor seemed opposed to what was going on.

"Frodo has informed us that another of our brothers is trapped here, but fear no more, we have an escape plan, come with us brother." Hobbit #1 told the professor.

"What? I told you- I am not a Hobbit! And I'm not going with you!"

"Please sir, fear no more, for we can make it out of here safely, we have the Ring of Power!" Frodo proudly held up a silver ring with a big black stone embedded in it, the stone had a crack down the middle.

Flitwick seemed flabbergasted. "What? The Ring of-what? That's not a ring of power! That's Slytherin's ring! Were did you get that! We had it locked away until the sixth book-put it back!"

"Fellow Hobbit," Hobbit #4 patted the Professor on the shoulder. "it's ok to be afraid, but trust us!"

"I'm not a Hobbit!"

Hobbit #4 staged whispered to the rest of the group. "The Evil Eye has gotten to him."

"Evil E-? No, we just call her Professor Trelawney-"

"No use reasoning with him." The hairy-feet creatures decided. And they quickly took hold of the Professor and hoisted him on their shoulders, scurrying out of the classroom.

"Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Hi HOOOOO…"

The door banged shut and a silence filled the room. Then someone drew a rallying cry.

"They took our teacher! After them!"

In a roar of stampeding and screaming, the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff second years jumped up from their seats and ripped open the door, following the path of the Hobbits. They chased them down to the ground level and out unto the grounds, they were heading for the Forbidden Forest. But the students were faster, they had longer legs, they were ganging…

When a figure dressed in all white with a long beard and a big wooden staff appeared in front of them. The mob stopped, confused.

The figure had its hands raised in peace. "Halt!" It cried. "I am Gandalf the White and I want to inform you-"

"What do you think you're doing Dumbledore? Go back inside and practice your clarinet."

Dumbledore deflated, groaned and slumped away, slapping on his propeller hat and mumbling about: "…never being included…"

Silence.

"Onward!"

"HAZAAA!"

The mob raised their pitchforks and torches, about to chase once again after the Hobbits when out pranced Professor Sprout in a tight yellow dress with bright red lipstick, and alas, tried bits of leaves stuck in her hair.

"Darlings…" she smiled, whipping her flowery scarf about her. "Leave this to me."

The mob stared confused at the Hufflepuff Head of House. Hermione only one encouraging her, giving her a thumbs up and pointing excitedly to: Romantic Tensions: How to Control a Relationship.

The Hobbits too seemed confused about the giant walking yellow-thing. The Professor nimbly pulled out a glass bottle of perfume and sprayed it on the Hobbits. One-by-one they passed out leaving only Professor Flitwick staring up at her.

"Oh Professor, I'm so happy you're alright."

Professor Flitwick seemed to be blushing. "Yes, quite alright, say, Pomoma, if you're not busy this Friday…would you like to go out and get a drink at the Three Broomsticks?"

And this time Sprout blushed, giggling. "Oh Filius…"

Harry walked into the Gryffindor Common Room, suddenly finding himself with a big break. Sprout and Flitwick skipped class and now the second year Gryffindors were looking at an enjoyable afternoon with no homework.

He walked over towards a couch, dropping his pitchfork on a study table on his way over, and sank into the cushions. Yawning and rapidly blinking, Harry finally looked over and noticed Ginny Weasley –covered in chicken feathers.

"Hey Ginny," Harry flipped his hand in her direction. "Cool shirt, very stylish, modern."

Ginny had turned red; she was shaking and stuttering, attempting to tell him something.

"Are you ok Ginny?" Harry asked, mostly because no one else was around and there was nothing else for him to do. She looked like she was going to have a seizure.

"I-I-I-I-I- H-have to t-t-ell you some-th-thing." She swallowed hard, shaking even more. "I-I-'m t-t-th-th-e H-Heir of Sly-sly-slther-" She suddenly blanched. "PERCY'S SNOGGING PENELOPE-THE RAVENCLAW PREFECT!" She jumped up and quickly ran out of the room high-speed. Something dropped from her lap.

Harry stared as her figure disappeared from the room, and then looked over again at where she was sitting. There was something there. A book, or diary maybe, sitting right there, were she was sitting-right there-in the exact same spot…

Harry picked it up, and he wondered who it belonged to.

Harry was alone in the Gryffindor Common Rooms, Ron and Hermione were off somewhere snogging or something, Dumbledore was practicing his clarinet, Hedwig was-dead. And Scabbers was in the corner braiding an escape rope.

It was just Harry and the mysterious book. Harry sat at the study table staring at the cover, it was someone else's personal property and they wouldn't like other people prying into their thin-Harry was flipping through the pages rapidly. It looked like a diary, but nothing was written on the pages. The only thing Harry could find was the name Tom Riddle and a date that dated over fifty years ago. First Harry laughed at the name, then that a nancy boy would keep a diary; then looking over his shoulders quickly, he flipped to somewhere in the middle of the book and pulled his quill near him.

Dipping it in the ink, he placed the quill on the page and began to write. He was a loser, and couldn't tell Ron and Hermione things like his favorite mop styles and fragrance. Finally he had someone he could really talk to.

Harry decided that writing the first line in the book as though the book was a person was a good idea. It was common really; didn't everyone address their books in conversation?

Hi! I'm Harry Pooter!

He scribbled out the last word and tried again.

Hi! I'm Harry Potter!

There, perfect. He gazed back at his handiwork and was not at all surprised to see the book talking back to him. Not suspicious in the lest.

Hello, Harry Potter, My name is Tom Riddle. Did you know that I know about the Chamber of Secrets?

Wow. Harry wrote, not even surprised that he had luckily found a book that knew about the Chamber of Secrets the exact year that it was opened and brought up again, or that he never asked anything about the Chamber of Secrets. It just knew, his diar-journal- was so smart. What do you know about it?

The Chamber was opened in my time, it attacked a couple mudblo- I uh, mean-students and finally killed one in the end. I caught the person who opened the Chamber, was given a nice shiny medal and told to shut my mouth about it. The death of the girl was covered up with another story. But I knew it would be opened again. For you see, the person in charge was not imprisoned.

Well then- riddle me this! Who was it last time?

I can show you if you like, I can take you inside my memory of the night when I caught him…

That sounded splendid! Inside a mysterious book with a sissy named Riddle. What luck Harry had!

OK

The diary started glowing faintly red, vibrating and shaking on the table. The pages flipping frantically by themselves, as if a breeze was rustling them. Harry leaned forward, trying to see the memory. How would he see it? Would it be like a TV screen? He was so close now that his nose touched the paper…and Harry was knocked off his feet, off of his chair, sinking into the depths of the pages. In a flash of white he was gone.

Harry landed stumbling in-what it looked like-Hogwarts-right outside the Headmaster's office. Everything looked familiar… but vaguely different. And the biggest thing that Harry found strange was everything was in black-and-white. Hmmm…odd.

So Harry, one not to waste a good opportunity, whipped on his trench coat and Sherlock Homes hat, pulling out a magnifying glass from his pocket and stooped over, searching for clues.

A couple of 'AH-HAH!'s later, a figure caught Harry's eye. It was a tall, lean teenager with dark black hair and a green and silver tie on; he too looked like he was sneaking around, looking for something. He was getting closer and closer, and Harry saw a Perfect badge pinned to his chest reflect off the torchlight.

'Aww, crap.' Thought Harry. It was way after dark and Harry wasn't supposed to be here, he would get major house points taken off if he was found by the Slytherin Prefect. He had to escape. So Harry did the only thing a regular twelve-year-old boy would do in that situation; he bodily flung himself across the hallway into an open-door classroom. Landing with a more than soft thud and "Ommpf!", Harry quickly picked himself up and checked for damage. Only a dislocated shoulder; he was getting better at this.

Harry, relieved to not have been found-out by the Prefect, turned around to get a good look at the room, only finding another person in there with him.

He quickly backed away towards the door he had flung himself into, maybe the person hadn't seen him, he did have his back to him, maybe Harry could escape again, he turned around and…the Perfect was standing in the doorway. Harry flung himself sideways into the shadows, but he knew it wasn't fast enough, that the Slytherin Perfect must have seen him…

But no one was moving towards him. The Prefect must have seen him before he saw that other guy, yet, the Slytherin was only staring at the other guy. Hang on a second…Harry had a thought.

Boldly he-limped up and walked right in front of the Perfect, waving his hands in his face and even throwing his magnifying glass at him, but no reaction. Ah-hah! No one could see him! So this was how a memory worked, Harry grinned stupidly, a job well done.

Then the Perfect spoke.

"Evening," the boy said sharply.

The huge boy stood up and quickly turned around. "Whaaerractenosh?"

The Perfect seemed confused, but Harry knew he had heard that blabbering before somewhere…

"I'm sorry, what did you say?…I can't quite understand you-"

"What are yer doin' down here, Tom!"

Ahhh, so the Perfect was Tom Riddle, but who was the one opening the Chamber of Secrets?

Riddle stepped closer to the boy, Harry saw now, and huge box slightly cracked by the other boy's feet.

"It's all over." Riddle told him, "I'm going to have to turn you in; they're talking about closing Hogwarts if the attacks don't stop."

"Whderyallwa?"

"Sorry? Again?"

"What yeh-!"

"The dead girl's parents will be here tomorrow; the least Hogwarts can do is slaughter the thing that killed their daughter and put away the person behind it."

"It never killed on one!"

"Come on, by tomorrow everyone will know that the one who opened the Chamber of Secrets is-"

Harry waited on bated breath, this was it, the moment he found out who was behind it all-

When somebody in Gryffindor robes burst into the room and started screaming wildly.

"SPPPIDDDERRSSSS!"

Riddle growled, and faced the frantic boy. "CRUIC-! Ah, I mean-Matthew Weasley, what do you think you're doing out of bead at this time of night!"

The Weasley blushed, muttering something about 'tap-dancing…' and quickly left the room.

Riddle turned back to the boy. "Now, everyone will know the person behind all of this is Rubeus Hagrid!"

Harry jumped back in disbelief, the room began spinning and the scene whirled. Harry could felling himself being pulled back-into fake lighting effects and a crappy vortex tunnel, his voice was suddenly echoing.

"HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR-"

Harry paused and the vortex stopped, hands on knees Harry drew some quick deep breaths. The vortex kick started up again.

"-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDD!"

And then Harry was dumped back out, thrown onto the floor of the Gryffindor Common Room. But before he had time to regain his breath, the black crept in and Harry passed out.

When Harry woke up Hermione was standing over him with her clip book, checking something off and muttering "…passed out…four times…"

Harry sat up quickly. "Hagrid!" he blurted out. "It was Hagrid! Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets! That's why he was expelled all those years ago!"

"What?" Hermione shook her head. "What are you talking about Harry?"

So Harry told them everything he saw, about Riddle, and Hagrid and the mysterious box that must have held the monster of the Chamber of Secrets. But Hermione was still skeptical.

"Well there's only one thing to do then, isn't there?" Hermione stood up from her seat on the Gryffindor Common Room's couch. "Ask Hagrid himself."

So it was decided, later that night when the curfew was intact, Hermione, Ron, and Harry would sneak down to Hagrid's house and figure out the mystery of the Chamber once and for all.

Underneath the Invisibility Cloak crept the famous trio of Gryffindor. They were slowly making their way to the Entrance Hall and out to the grounds.

"Ouch, Ron!" Hermione yelped. "That's my foot!"

Let me kill…Santa…

Let me tear…the Easter Bunny…I am the fairest one of them all!

Let me sing the ABC's…backwards

Harry stopped suddenly. "It's that voice!" he whispered to his two friends. "It's that voice again!"

Let me teach you to square dance…

Gel your hair!

"Oh! Harry!" Hermione smacked herself on the forehead. "I think I just realized…why didn't I see it before, but I HAVE to research this!"

Ron frowned, "At twelve at night-?"

But Hermione didn't answer; she quickly ducked out from underneath the Invisibility Cloak and scampered off towards the library.

Harry and Ron looked at each other and shook their heads. Girls, eh?

And I want you to find…Find me Edmund…Edmund…Revenge…REVENGE…

Harry and Ron were halfway to Hagrid's Hut when something strange happened. A tall figure was walking towards them, and it appeared that what ever it was- could see them underneath the Cloak.

So they stopped and waited for it to speak, they had never seen one quite like it before; long white hair, tall pointed ears, dressed in all white, with an bow an arrows.

"Ewjijrke Toles!" The figure called out.

"What!"

"Um, yeah, that's twinkle toes in Elvish."

"Can we help you Madam?" Harry asked.

The figure glared, "I'm a boy, and um, yeah, I'm looking for some wee little hobbits. I don't suppose you've seen any around…?"

"Yeah, they were heading out to the forest."

"Why thank you." And with that the figure strolled off again.

Harry and Ron walked in silence the rest of the way there.

It was around this time that Hermione had a break through, jumped up to go tell Harry and was petrified. Yeah, that kinda sucked.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Hagrid!" Harry called out, "Its us! We need to speak to you!"

The door opened and Hagrid poked his head out, "What yer'all doin here?" He hissed.

Harry and Ron pushed their way into the Hut, and then Hagrid shut the door, walked over to the stove and began fiddling with a tea cup.

Harry quickly got to the point. "Hagrid, I need to ask you something important-"

There was another knock at the door.

"Who's that?" Ron hissed.

"I've-I've been expectin'…q-quick, hide!"

It was Dumbledore, he looked dead serious. He entered with another man, a very odd looking man, the second odd looking man Harry and Ron had seen that day.

He had graying hair, an anxious face, pinstriped suit, pointed purple boots and a lime green bowler hat with a three-leaf clover attached.

"That's Cornelius Fudge!" Ron gasped. "My dad's boss, the Minster of Magic!"

The Minster was shuffling his feet around, looking darkly into the corners of the hut.

"You sure there are no leprechauns about?" he addressed the Headmaster, "they're evil you know, nasty little blighters…"

"Cornelius, if you mind…to business?"

"Yes, bad business Hagrid, attacks all over the school, Ministry's got to act and-are sure there's none-?"

"None Cornelius, Hagrid here doesn't hide leprechauns about his house."

"Yes, well." Fudge mopped his forehead with a handkerchief, "can't be too careful…, But yes, you see Headmaster, Hagrid's record is against him, and I've got to take him."

"And for the record, I have full confidence in Hagrid." Dumbledore stated coldly to Fudge, his propeller hat only spinning slightly in the breeze.

"Take me! Take me where? Not Azkaban- not Azkaban prison-!"

There was another knock at the door.

"LEPRECHAUNS!" Fudge screamed and dived behind a chair. Lucius Malfoy stepped into the Hut.

"Malfoy? Get gotta my house!" Hagrid roared.

Malfoy sneered. "Yes, terrible business, won't be here long, makes my hair frizz just standing here- Anyways, Dumbledore, dreadful thing, the governors feel it's time for you to step aside. This is an Order of Suspension, you'll find all twelve signatures on it, they feel you're losing your touch, why with these attacks going on everywhere…" Lucius trailed off.

Even the Minster seemed appalled.

"With Dumbledore gone they'll be killin' next!" Hagrid shouted.

"Dear Hagrid, I would advise you not to shout at the Azkaban guards like that, they really wouldn't like it at all."

"Calm, Hagrid." Dumbledore reprimanded.

"I, of course will step aside, if that's indeed what the governors wish. However, you will find that I will only truly have left the school when none here are loyal to me. You will also find that help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it."

Hagrid too spoke up. "Yeah, an' if anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they'd have ter do would be ter follow the spuders. That'd lead 'em right! That's all I'm sayin'."

And with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, two crazy hand motions (with his index finger pointed up) from Dumbledore to the corner where Harry and Ron hid, they all left the Hut, leaving Harry and Ron to make the next move.

Ron turned to look at Harry. "Bloody hell."

Siriusly