Chapter 13

humanitas – Latin for Kindness – "Charity, compassion and friendship for its own sake. Empathy and trust without prejudice or resentment. Unselfish love and voluntary kindness without bias or spite."

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Cas stood outside the bar for hours trying to calm his thoughts and settle his emotional turmoil. It was one thing to want something for yourself – that in and of itself could be dangerous. But to want to take away from Dean was another thing completely. It was beyond wrong.

As he paced the sidewalk opposite the lively bar, Dean and Sam left. Most importantly, he watched Dean leave without the pretty bartender he had been talking to. The knot in his belly eased, but he still felt that burn of bile in the back of his throat. Cas sat on a bench and watched the bar awhile longer; his mind lost in thought.

This is why the Host were genderless. This is why their only love was to their Father. The emotions overwhelmed him; no wonder humans were forever going to war. Once free will had taken root, humanity had changed.

In the beginning, Adam and Eve shared a love for each other and all creatures. After the apple and ejection from Eden, they had fought. Anger and regret burned through their hearts until time healed the wounds. Then Cain and Abel. However tragic that day ended, Castiel remembered thinking to himself that if only Father had accepted both brothers equally, none of it would have happened.

Time slipped away from him and before long the lights on the front of the bar went out. The front door opened and the chatty bartender came out. Her hands carried several loaded bags on either side and a few heavy looking boxes on top of her arms. As the door behind her clicked shut, she turned and used one of her only free fingers to give the door a tug. She nodded to herself and started walking down the street to the only car left parked in the small lot adjacent to the strip the bar was in.

Castiel was not able to see into the future like a psychic, but he could clearly see the dip in the pavement; without a doubt he knew this woman was going to fall. It was unlikely she would be hurt badly, but what good was free will if you couldn't choose to help Cas crossed the street, his unsettled heart felt lighter as he lengthened his stride to reach her before she could stumble.

He stepped on to the sidewalk just a moment before she could take the misstep and fall. He didn't miss the weariness in her eyes as she stopped and looked at him. She was a single woman alone on a dark street in the middle of the night with her arms loaded and no ability to defend herself. He could feel the fight or flight instinct in every move she made now.

Though she couldn't see it, he immediately spread his massive wings and arched one down low and towards her. She would never know why, but the affect was noticeable; the tension in her shoulders eased slightly. Humans could sense divine presence much like bird could sense magnetic north. And as a bird would fly towards that northern pole, so to would a human turn to face the radiant warmth of God's love coming from his wings.

"Allow me to help," Cas spoke quietly and before she could say a word, he had scooped up the boxes. It was a measured move. He was now the one with no defense, and she had the power. The smile that spread across her face was gracious as she led the way to her car.

"Thank you so much," she started. "It was going to be a struggle to get everything. I should have just taken multiple trips, but… well, I didn't. Obviously." Oh yes, she liked to talk. A lot.

"I've been organizing party bags, wrapping gifts, and hiding everything at work so my son wouldn't find it. His birthday is tomorrow, and my husband and I are throwing him a surprise party. We just moved into town and all his friends from his old school are coming. Well, not all – most. I hate secrets, so it's been so hard to keep it from him. I've been boring everybody in the bar all week talking about it non-stop." She finally paused to take a breath and laughed into the night.

"Anyway," she said popping the trunk open on her car and placing the bags inside, "Thank you so much – it's always nice to meet a kind person just doing a good deed. I'm Sarah by the way."

"Castiel," he returned and placed the boxes in the trunk next to her bags. He shifted them around so there was room for the lid to close before turning to face her again.

"It was my pleasure. Enjoy your son's birthday, and may you all be blessed in his next year," Cas said, repeating the old blessing he'd learned long ago from a small city-state in Greece. It had always seemed to him to be the best way to wish someone well on their birthday.

"Thank you again for your random act of kindness!" she said touching his arm briefly before getting in her car with a bounce in her step.

As she drove off, Cas was struck by several things. The first was shame. He had been jealous of a happily married woman who, based on the past few minutes, had been telling Dean about her son's party plans most likely. Next was the warm feeling of happiness that he had helped such a good hearted person. And also relief that she hadn't wanted to talk more. Cas wasn't fool enough to think he could have even remotely held up his end of an extended conversation with such a gregarious woman.

Cas flew off. The way he was thinking and feeling was disturbing. Free will was a 'bag of dicks' as Dean would say.

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Dean could do this. He had sold his soul, gone to hell, and even bound Death that one time. So…

Cas – Don't pop in. Can we talk like this? –D

He hit send. He was turning into a fucking high school kid. Texting. So it wasn't the brave option; not everybody was brave all the time.

If u like –C

Damn it, if he took the time to type out the whole word, couldn't Cas? If lols and crap started showing up, he was burning his phone. Crap. What was he supposed to say now? Dear Cas, I'm willing to look into butt stuff, because I don't want to get dumped by a freaking angel. Love, Pussy/Dick whipped Dean.

How was your day? And remember, it's you not u. Sam was wrong about text shorthand. –D

God that was lame. Of course, on the bright side, Cas most likely wouldn't get exactly how lame Dean was acting. That helped a little. And he got to call Sammy wrong – that was always a good thing.

Understood, you not u. Today I designed an 'organizational flow chart' and twice snuck into Joshua's office to move things around. He is very upset that things are not where he left them. Michael called an all angels 'on deck' meeting and announced we would now have quotas and everyone was meeting theirs. He did not explain what the quotas would be of, but my brothers were all nodding and very impressed. I expressed to Maricle that I would not be surprised if the quotas were changed in the next quarter. She has been the primary culprit in spreading gossip about our relationship. She did exactly as I thought she would and started a wild rumor that Michael was planning on changing the quotas and cutting expenses. None of us know what expenses we could have, but everyone is very worried now. I also met with a very kind homeless man who offered me a cat. I did not accept the cat, but the cat looked very sad. I have been thinking it was a mistake to not take the cat. After that, you texted me. -C

Well, that was certainly… Long. And as usual, Cas answered exactly what was asked. So, what now genius? And… Wow. Angel's gossiped about his love life. Fantastic. No way that was creepy or fucked up.

Sounds interesting –D

What. The. Hell. Nut up Dean screamed at himself.

No, it was not interesting at all. Except the cat. And starting a rumor. And causing Michael headaches. And tricking Joshua – that was very entertaining. I am planning on putting a Lego in his in box tomorrow. Each day, I will add another, until finally I have enough to slowly build a castle. He won't remove them, because we have been told to file everything from our in box in the correct place. Today, I added a small piece of paper on his desk that says "Legos here". It will be quite the amusing prank. I am still going to move things on his desk. –C

The hunter was momentarily tempted to ask if the Lego castle was a set or if Cas was just building one from random parts. And how many parts where there to the castle? Seriously, how long was this angel version of an office prank going to take to play out? He and Sam usually went straight for farting on pillows and putting salt in water. Nice normal stupid stuff.

Turning into another Gabriel there Cas –D

I am not turning into an archangel. –C

Dean thumped his head on the table he was sitting at. Okay, no small talk with the 'everything you say is exactly what you mean' angel.

Are you angry at me? –D

There – direct. That should be an easy one to answer.

Yes – C

Well, he pretty much expected that one. Crap. This one-sided conversation thing was freaking hard. On top of everything else, it was about to get all emo and crap. He was going to need to shave his legs after this.

Sorry –D

There – he said it. Done and Done. He felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest. He had apologized and that was his main goal tonight.

Are you sorry for hurting me, using my body for carnal gratification when you were not serious about a relationship, or rejecting the very idea of intercourse with me? Are you sorry for asking me for a date to begin with? What exactly are you sorry for?

Fuck. He was screwed. How the hell was he supposed to answer that? God, girls knew how to do this stuff. Girls like Sam. They could talk and write and get shit out of their systems and make everything better. Dean had just said 'sorry', and there was this crap-fest to deal with. It was like God was playing 'Let's Screw Dean Up Because Fuck Him'.

Seriously, what was he sorry for? How about for his God damned fear of butt love and pain? He was sorry for being a wreck and making everything fall apart, because he couldn't man up. Oh, and sorry for bringing the whole thing up in the first place. He never should have even started texting. Crap. The tightness in his chest almost physically hurt to breath. Nope. Not doing this – but fuck!

I can't do this. Just come here, go through my head, and then go away again and text me back. Please?

Done. Either come or don't. There was only so much he was willing to say, and never face to face about this stupid shit that happened – or text.

Dean laid back, closed his eyes, and put his phone on his chest. Today sucked.

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Cas loved New York City. Since humanity began building their structures of mud and straw, he had marveled at their cleverness. When the pyramids were constructed, he watched in awe at their intelligence and perseverance. Time and time again they exceeded themselves, building on past success as well as failure. It was really the last one hundred years that humanity showed why they were truly God's most beloved and cherished. The pure industry and ingenuity.

Sitting on the top of Chrysler Building, Cas looked up from his phone. That was odd. Dean had been very clear that no one was allowed to enter his mind. Ever. It was an extremely important rule that Cas had learned over time; Dean had yelled it at him repeatedly.

Looking through Dean's thoughts was not something to be done lightly. For such a righteous man, his mind was bleak. It had not been much of hardship to promise Dean that privacy.

What could possibly be so important that Dean would allow his rule to be broken?

Cas stood up and popped himself into Dean's room. He was laying on the bed, but it was clear he was not asleep. His whole body had tensed the moment Cas entered the room.

Cas put his finger on Dean's head and dove in. Dean had pushed everything into the front of his mind. The memories were so clear - He had been thinking about it for a while it appeared.

Like a bulletin board with pictures tacked up, each memory sat in its place. Waiting. The moment you looked at the memory, it was like a multi-dimensional film. The sounds, smells, feelings, and sights surrounded you, bringing you into the memory that played at super speed – dumping all the information it contained into a quick jolt.

Here was one of Dean when he was in his late teens. His face was so much younger looking. Not innocent by any means, but not yet weighed down by the worries his life would bring. The plain arousal Cas could feel in the moment was staggering. This was very clearly an adventurous time in Dean's sexual life, and he was frenzied in his desire to partake. Dean lay naked on a messed up bed in what was clearly a girl's room. She was naked and pleasuring herself in front of Dean. A small pink object was thrusting in and out of her body much to her obvious pleasure.

The girl was bossy and a couple of years older, which was the only reason Cas could account for what happened next. The girl removed the object and asked Dean to roll over. The look on Dean's face was not one Cas would forget soon. The desperate lust thrumming through the memory made Cas both jealous and intrigued.

Much to the angel's shock, this younger Dean did roll over. What happened next was a blur. The memory seemed to skip like a scratched record, bouncing from one second to another. Disjointed. Dean's face contorted with a scream, his body stiff, a look of shock and fear on the girl, Dean pulling that object from his backside. Blood.

Cas felt ill. The next few moments where a jumble as well, but the emotional flavor was clear. Pain, shame, embarrassment. Dean sneaking off to a clinic and getting examined by a strange doctor with a less than kind expression.

Horror filled Cas as he was thrust into newer moments. Cas casually mentioning his research into anal sex. The total shock of the topic rendered Dean near catatonic inside. That must be why Cas never felt anything from that small amount of Grace in Dean. Normally he would have felt such a rapid and stark change in his hunter's emotional state.

Next came the parking date – Cas did not need to see that since it had been playing in his own mind on a repeating loop. What did stick out to Cas was the strength of Dean's desire for him. While it felt different than a teenager's lust, this yearning was just as strong.

Cas started pulling back. He knew enough at this point, there was no reason to continue what Dean considered a violation of privacy. Before he was able to leave, something else caught his attention. It was a small moment; not pushed forward for Cas to see, but there all the same.

It was Dean staring into the night sky trying to decide how to give the angel what he wanted. Fear and panic roiled through the hunter, but the fear was of being left alone and panic of losing his best friend. It was fear of Cas leaving him again; after all the damnation, torture, fighting, and death, Dean had suffered through… Cas was viewed as his reward. And Dean was willing to do anything to keep it. Father above knew – when Dean Winchester was willing to do anything for somebody, it wasn't idle talk.

Guilt and shame weighed heavily on the angel as he pulled back into the room. Dean still lay on the bed stiff and eyes closed. But now, where there had been determined look on his face, there was a tangible vulnerability. This was Cas' responsibly. This was his to repair, not Dean's.

The moment of silence while Cas tried to decide what to do seemed to stretch. He wanted to hold his hunter and make everything better. Or wipe that memory away if Dean would let him. He started to reach for Dean's hand when he quietly said, "Please, just go text me." Eyes never opened. That was how his hunter dealt with emotions. He did not talk about it, and he did not cry, but he did try.

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I didn't realize –C

Dean let a deep breath out. That mind reading crap was way better than putting a dress on and talking.

I know. –D

What Dean didn't add was that he should have brought it up sooner. He knew Cas was interested; it really wasn't the angel's fault for not knowing it was a no go topic.

I am sorry. We do not have to do that. I am not going to leave. –C

Dean's drew in a deep lungful of air for what felt like the first time days and let it out in a slow steady stream. The tension that had been across his chest and shoulders eased.

Glad you're sticking around. I'm working on it –D

Right. Research and gay porn. It was on the list of things to do. Yep. Still on the list. In the morning. Gay porn was always less traumatizing in the morning. Everybody knew that.

I will not pressure you again. I promise. –C

And Dean knew he wouldn't. As far as Cas was concerned, that was the end of it. Dean knew it would have to be him who brought it up again. And he would – because Cas did want to have actual sex.

Sometimes pressure isn't bad –D

Queen! Um boom ba bay – ba ba boom ba be be – Pressure. Pushing down on me, pressing down on you no man ask for – under pressure. Dean thumped his hands on the make shift drum set that currently looked like a table. God, it was a damn shame he couldn't find that tape for the car.

Where you gravely injured? I did not notice any permanent injures when I rebuilt you –C

The drumming ended, though his mind would now be singing Under Pressure for the next few hours.

No, not even stitches. Just – she didn't do it right –D

Done done done. Remember – no more talking about it. Remember Cas?

She did not prepare you? –C

God may have returned to Heaven, but He clearly was not keeping his rebellious little angels in line if they weren't going to keep promises about not pressuring! Wasn't that like just a minute ago?

Jesus Cas – no she didn't, and she didn't use lube. Hurt like a motherfucker. Okay, done now. Moving on -D

Dean looked around for rock salt. If another question about his ass showed up, this phone was toast.

How can I make this up to you? I do not like this feeling inside me –C

How… oh - hehehe

A blowjob ;) -D

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I have been drumming Under Pressure for the past 2 hours. I just thought maybe if I past the curse of "this stupid song is stuck in my head" on it might help. It hasn't so far.

Also, the lemon tree had to be placed in the next chapter. While making lemonade I got carried away and it turned into a not only lemonade, but a lemon tart or two as well ;)

AN – I would really appreciate a review if you have a second. Every one seriously makes my day – Like your random act of kindness for the day!