For I Have Sinned

Chapter Thirteen

(More intense material ahead.)

"I thought I had my shit together after so long, you know? Hadn't had an incident in years."

"How did it happen?"

"I had hit a downward spiral by then, I think, felt like my life was spinning out. I was suspicious of everybody thinking I was sick, but I had been wary of almost everyone since Yun and I had to move."

"It sounds like the sudden relocation might have been a trigger for you."

"I agree. I mean," she cleared her throat, "most people mark their lives in birthdays... graduations and weddings. Normal stuff. I do it by the times my life has been turned upside down."

Caius processed her reasoning, finding it quite valid. Cid had extinguished the value of Claire's age in her mind, the days likely to have blended together after sufficient time had passed. Then Yun found her, her mind beginning to reawaken. Cid took her back followed by a second liberation. And then she was forced to leave her new home due to the unforeseen consequences of seeking help. Then an emotional break that sent her to her father's home. Poor girl wasn't too far off the mark after all.

"In spite of what Cid had done to change you, he still gave you a stable living condition. It was secure, consistent."

"Yeah, so change and I don't get along very well. But you said that's natural, it's part of being human."

"Yes, I did, but some of us can be more sensitive to it than others. And the circumstances leading up to it weren't conducive to positive feelings."

"No. That bastard turned on me." she grimaced. "It never crossed my mind that he would find out who I was, this was before my picture ever appeared in the news. Cid plead guilty and there was no trial, so my name never went public. At least...that's what I guessed."

"Though how he came about the information isn't so relevant at this point, is it?"

"I guess not."

"But back to the matter."

"Yeah, I know." though she didn't want to talk about it. Tough it up, she said to herself. It's going to be worth it. "But...I felt like I had no control. Over anything. I didn't feel safe in the apartment after a teacher followed me home. I mean, it wasn't anything bad, not like she was stalking me but,"

"You still felt like the sanctity of your space was violated?"

She nodded, her brow knitting. "I just wanted some of it back. I wanted to feel like it was still my life. Doctor, being married you might be able to understand," she paused to breathe, keeping her emotions in check a little longer. "There's a difference between...you know...making love and having sex. Would you agree?"

"I would." his dark brows see-sawed. He wasn't sure if he was more puzzled by the question or by how serious she was about asking.

"I know this is kind of ridiculous, but just bear with me." she assured him. "And you believe in fucking, too, right?"

"Um...I don't recommend regular indulgence in it, but yes." his face quirked further. "I don't take it as a sign of a healthy emotional bond."

"Then we're on the same page." Though she knew by the look on his face he wasn't sure exactly what said page entailed.

"You certainly don't mince words."

"Might as well just say what you mean. Saves time." she dismissed. "But...Yun and I, we have...had a good relationship. It was loving, healthy like you said. We respected each other...there was trust."

"As do my wife and I." Caius nodded, finally feeling like he was back on track.

"It's been that way for four years, it's been good. Not perfect, but good." They had solid communication -as solid as Claire could have with anyone, there was compassion, there was fun at times. But then...somehow she had lost sight of all that. Damn near threw it away. "In the last couple weeks, before I came to stay with dad, it was bad. I look back now...I almost don't recognize myself. I was scared." Claire had begun to wring her hands together, eyes averted from the doctor's, the tissue tearing with the heavy grind of her palms.

"Of what?"

"At school, a girl came up to me at lunch. I'd never seen her before, but she knew me. She knew who I was." she shook her head, still shocked at the thought perhaps. "She asked to interview me."

"What did you say?"

"I told her no, but she wouldn't take that for an answer. I ran from her. Didn't even finish my food. I hid in the bathroom"

"Did you have some sort of episode?"

"Yeah. Anxiety or something like that. But I had gotten somewhat used to that, I was just worried about someone finding me." she left out the part about kicking in the stall divider. It wasn't all that important, right? "After a few minutes I was okay, I went on to class. By the time I was headed home, I just...you know...wanted her."

Caius nodded, understanding as his arms crossed his broad chest.

"I didn't understand why at the time, but I didn't care. I knew what I wanted, that was the important thing."

"And you understand it now?"

"Yeah, I think so." she nodded, face creasing in a grimace, her hands wringing tighter together. "It was all about control. I felt like I was losing it, that my life was out of my hands. I was...so scared."

"You latched onto the only thing you had any sway over. You might have to move at a moment's notice, and strangers could be knocking your door down any minute, but you had someone who loved you. Someone that would let you have power over them."

"Yes." the admittance scraped through a tight jaw. Tears started surfacing again, alongside the piercing revulsion. She tucked her legs up into the chair, holding them to her chest with one curled arm, her head now resting in her free hand.

"You're saying you assaulted her?"

Claire couldn't speak, her face hidden, so she only nodded.

"Did you force her to have sex, or did you physically injure her?"

She took a gasping breath, having swallowed a sob. "I didn't have to force her...half the reason I hate myself for it. She trusted me!" and she thrust a punctuating fist to her chest in account for every word. Then she repeated, "I didn't have to force her. In fact she liked it when I tied her up. She liked it," more disgust was seeping through, "she never thought for a second I would hurt her."

Yun had been comfortable with it, the forcefulness Claire had put to her. Her protests had been minimal even when she forced the business end of the strap-on inside of her before she was really ready. She still had that telling smirk curling her swollen lips through a wince as Claire pulled her hair or grabbed her arms too tightly. Or curled her fingers tight enough into the supple flesh of her ass that her nails drew blood. And the harsh treatment was far from barring an orgasm.

But she had asked Claire to stop. When it became too much for her, when Claire bit her,she had almost begged. But Claire had ignored it.

The memory was tainted, Claire decided as she looked back on it. It was making her sick to her stomach. That's not what it should have been. It was the exact opposite. There was no love in what she did. It was fucking, and it was filthy.

"Do you need a moment?" Caius probed gently.

"No, no, I'm okay, I just...I haven't taken time to really process this yet. I've been ignoring it."

"That's understandable." he nodded. "Have you apologize to Yun for this, by chance?"

"I did...but I don't feel like it was good enough." she swallowed, still panting for air. "Could I have some water?"

"Sure, just a minute." he would disappear from the office for less than his suggested time, passing a plastic bottle to her. She took it with quiet thanks and a nod, screwing off the cap after digging in her pocket for something. "What's that?"

"Valium. Did I pronounce that right?" She put the pill in her mouth and drank it down when he nodded.

"It's good you're recognizing when you need it."

"My dad's been a lot of help. He knows all about this kind of stuff." she took a cleansing breath, the edge coming off already. "Sorry if I got too intense there."

"It's fine. Getting these things out in the open is important. Talking about our feelings can help lessen the power they have on us."

"Good to know."

"So tell me about the second incident."

She nodded, relenting. "It was the night I...ran away to my dad's. I say it like that because, well...calling it what it is. I ran away, I didn't want to face it."

"How did this differ from what we were discussing before?"

"Because I actually lost my temper. I attacked her." she said plainly. "I was at my breaking point, though I didn't know it then...she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Said the wrong things."

"What did she say?"

"Everyone was trying to help me before I was ready...before I admitted I needed it. I knew it, I could tell somehow and that just made things worse. I thought I just wanted everyone to be honest with me, but I didn't like it when I got just that. Yun pushed...and I pushed back. She called me a victim. I snapped."

"Why does that word bother you?"

"Because it isn't true."

His brows quirked again, surprise on his face. "How so?"

Claire sighed, looking frustrated though noticeably more calm. She shifted in her chair, letting her feet back on the floor so Terminus could reclaim his previous spot. "It was just before we moved, in fact I think this incident was the main reason we had to. The press were waiting for me after school... Kain University. I had to have Yun come and pick me up, I wasn't going to risk taking my bike through that many people. Like they all just crawled out of the sewer."

Caius nodded. He had actually seen that news break on television when it aired live nearly a year or so ago.

"I was trying to get to the car...Yun was trying to get to me...they were trying to shove cameras and microphones in my face...it was one of the worst moments of my life. Everyone knows your dirty secret and they want to tell the whole world whether you want them to or not."

"Unfortunate, but true."

"I know." a sadness darkened her face. "But...before Yun could make them stop -she flashed her badge and they all but scattered- one of them asked me," her brow knitted, "how it felt to get away with murder."

Dr. Ballad felt his heart sink right into his slacks. He was well aware of the press' severe lack of compassion and consideration. It was par for the course, how they earned a living. But still he found himself shocked by such a heartless question.

"At first it didn't really bother me. I shrugged it off for a few days, almost forgot about it. But then it just...it crept back into my mind and just...grew. It made me realize I was just like Cid, if not worse. I wasn't his victim, I was a criminal too. And I should be in prison right next to him."

"But you're not."

"Vanille -that's Yun's little sister- has a fiance` who's a lawyer, and I asked him about it once the idea really sank in. He said as public as the case had become, what details had been released by the state, no court in its right mind would spend the kind of money it would take to try me without a better chance at winning. Finding an impartial jury would have been impossible."

"They thought the public would be too sympathetic?"

"I guess. Still...I'm guilty."

"The law won't punish you, but you still feel you deserve it?"

"I do. And why shouldn't I?" she had killed people, violently and without a second thought. She did the math once of how many it could have possibly been. It was in the hundreds. "People need to own up to their crimes, don't they?"

"That doesn't mean they have to go to prison to do so. Cid Raines will do his time, no less than twenty years. That's his punishment. But you will have to live with the consequences of his actions for your entire life. Ten, twenty, even fifty years from now, you will still have these memories. You will never truly serve your time. But by coming here you're accepting your behavior is wrong -even harmful- and are taking steps to see that it isn't repeated. That is the heart of the penal system; rehabilitation. While it most often fails, it is not failing here. And if I may be so bold as to say, it sounds as though your home has been your prison cell for quite some time."

Claire's face stretched, balking at the idea.

"And may I assume this event marks the beginning of your decline? It was after this that the sleep disturbances increased, the mood swings too?"

Her jaw worked, though no words emerged at first. She took a moment for her thoughts to come back together. "I guess it does." after a little further thought, she nodded. "Yeah. I think you're right."

Caius couldn't hold back a sort of satisfied smile. Finally, ground zero had revealed itself. Now he felt confident that he had the tools he needed. He thought about it only a moment longer, realizing he had a lot of homework to do now.

"I hope you won't mind if I end the session a little early, Ms. Farron. Would that be acceptable?"
"I suppose so."

"Could I gave you a little assignment to make up for it?"

"What do I need to do?"

"I'll schedule your next session for next Wednesday, this will give me plenty of time to get things together so we can begin to actively work on managing your triggers. I would like for you to take this time to reflect on all the things we've talked about, to make whatever progress you can -which we'll discuss when you come back. Also,"

Claire stopped mid-straightening from the chair.

"I think it would do you some good to make an effort to contact Ms. Oerba. Apologize in a way that better satisfies you, be it in person or over the phone."

"I understand." she nodded, fully straightening. "Thank you doctor, I'll do my best."

"And feel free to call me if you do need me between now and then. I'll make time for you."

Again she thanked him before leaving his office.

Claire slipped off to her room upon returning home, needing to be alone with her thoughts before it came time to prep dinner. She assured her dad everything was all right, and just needed some time to herself. It was so much easier to process these things, after all, when someone wasn't right next to her like in the car. She closed the door and pushed up the only window in the room to let in the cooling afternoon air, a slight breeze carrying it in with a hint of seawater scent.

She would eventually settle at her canvas with a charcoal pencil, pushing through an itch to sketch and make some sort of progress with her senior assignment. She had a much better idea now what to do, the hard part was getting it down. It consumed the entirety of her attention, allowing her to separate herself from everything for the better part of two hours. It let her decompress from the session as well as be productive in some way. To be completely honest, she wasn't in a hurry to do Dr. Ballad's homework. There would be time for it tomorrow.

But once she put the charcoal down and shuffled into the kitchen, scenes from the day jumped right back into her previously empty head.

He knows more than dad. He knows more than Serah, even Yun. I've told him things I've never told anyone else.

Claire was feeling vulnerable, anxious too. Part of her still wasn't sure she could trust him, just waiting to see his face on the news spouting her secrets to the world. The other part of her didn't want to be suspicious of him. But Claire knew she had to be suspicious of everyone. It was the safest way. Besides, all she had was his word as a professional, and she had been fed that before.

Though none of these feelings appeared to manifest as she worked seamlessly from the counter to the stove and back again. Jack had gone to a seafood market while Claire was in therapy and picked up a couple pounds of raw, fresh shellfish for their meal tonight. Without pause she started cleaning and prepping the little critters and dropping them into a metal basket that would hang inside a pot of boiling water so they could steam. She seasoned the boiling water with onions and lemons and thought to save time and cleanup by throwing sectioned cobs of corn and red skinned potatoes in as well.

"Need any help, sweetheart?" Jack came into the kitchen quiet enough to almost surprise his daughter when he spoke.

"No, I'm fine."

"Okay. Are you all right? You seem kind of...out of it."

"I'm fine." Claire finished with the last of the shellfish before elaborating. "I had to take a pill during the session, so I'm a little, you know...low."

"Oh. Did something go wrong?"

"No." she washed her hands, wiped them on a towel, and then went for the dishes in the cabinet. "I just got a bit emotional."

Jack nodded, taking the dishes from her when she turned to face him, surprising her a little. "Otherwise, how did it go?"

She didn't answer right away, watching for a moment as he put the pair of plates on the table. "It, uh...it was kind of rough today. But I got through it. He doesn't want me to come back again until next Wednesday."

"Why so long?" Jack has moved across the room to the drawers, picking out silverware.

"I think he's planning on taking the next step, you know? He's ready to start fixing this."

"That's sounds great, honey, though I won't get your hopes up about this going away. The doctor told you first thing that-,"

"There's no cure, I know. I remember. I thought you would know what I meant."

"I do, darling, I just got ahead of myself. I apologize. So how much time before dinner's ready?"

"About a half hour."

"Okay." he nodded, setting forks and knives in their proper places. "Could I run a thought by you?"

"Um...sure?" she felt like it was a trick question.

"You know you're birthday's coming up, right?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"I was thinking of having your sister and Snow over for dinner. But,"

"But what?"

"I was thinking about inviting Kah and his aunt as well. You know he's always asking how you're doing. I can tell he wants so bad to be friends with you. Not that he tries to hide it, actually." and Jack smiled saying it, laughed when he saw his daughter's face. "But it's okay if you don't want them to come."

"Did you already invite them?"

"No."

"How long do I have to think it over?"

"Well, your birthday is next weekend, so you've got about a week."

"Okay." and she went back to the stove.

There wouldn't be much talk over dinner. Jack could see that she was tired, just going through her evening routine on autopilot with help from her medicine. He would keep the conversation to quick items; how much medicine she had left, had she remembered to take them that morning, things of that nature. When he was finished he thanked her for the meal and did his best to convince her to let him clean up. She didn't relent, but allowed him to help her do it. From there the two parted with a kiss on the cheek, Jack to his recliner to watch the news and maybe a documentary, and Claire back to her room to attempt more progress on her painting.

Claire woke the following morning with only mild confusion at the smell of something cooking. Usually she prepared breakfast, especially if it was her dad's day off, but sure enough, when she emerged from her morning ritual to enter the kitchen there he was at the stove stirring something in a skillet.

"Just thought I'd do you a favor, honey." he said.

The table was already set, a pitcher of milk and glasses set out as well. Utensils too. Claire just thanked him, having the distinct sensation of not knowing what to do with her hands as she sat down.

"What's the occasion?" She asked when Jack sat in front of her, shoveling some sausage links and fried eggs on her plate.

"Like I said, just wanted to."

Not that she was complaining, just that it seemed so out of nowhere.

"And,"

Thought so.

"There's something I want to show you. I don't know how you'll take it, so I thought...you know, I could try to soften the blow."

"With food?"

"Well...yeah."

For a moment she just gave him this unreadable look. He was almost worried until she nodded. "That's fair." she said after swallowing. "What is it you want to show me?"

"Some stuff I've been hanging onto for a while. I've been meaning to give it to you sooner, but it just didn't seem the right time. Especially recently with the doctors and all that. I guess I was just waiting until you were more...together. And I don't mean that in a bad way."

"No, I understand."

"I mean, I know I don't have much of a right to keep things from you that belong to you, but,"

"Dad, it's okay. I get it. It's fine." she shook her head.

Jack was quiet for a moment, eyes darting between his plate and his daughter. "You're not mad?"

"No. I trust you." she assured him. "Now eat, your food's getting cold."

All he could do was smile.

Claire would feel the trepidation building as the meal was finished and its remnants washed away. She could only imagine what was on her father's mind, and that stood to make her a little uneasy. Doubly so after mentioning "Serah doesn't even know I have some of these things". She would follow her father to his bedroom, a space she had never before entered.

It was a room catered for naps and night time respite and little else. A few family photos on the nightstand, a lamp, and a bed just big enough for two people if they felt like getting friendly. A single chest of drawers was propped against the wall and a long wooden chest lounged at the foot of the bed where the two would sit.

"This is your mom's hope chest." Jack put his hand on the lid of the long cedar box.

"A what?"

"People have a tendency to keep things, sentimental things. Kind of a funny tradition if you ask me, my mom never had one. But Rachel got hers from her mother, and so on. This thing could easily be a hundred years old.

Claire's brow raised, impressed. "What's in it?"

"Your mom didn't really start putting things in it until after her mom died." Jack reached down and pulled the lid up, the old brass hinges creaking. All of the mementos inside were well organized, neatly stacked in columns of albums and newspapers beneath small drawers full of trinkets and small baubles. "Here's some of your grandmother's jewelry...yours and Serah's baby shoes," a smile pulled at his mouth as he went over some of the objects with his hands which eventually settled on a thick leather album. "You want to look at some pictures?"

"Sure."

Jack unfolded the book on his lap, pages falling open where they may.

"Is that you?" Claire pointed to the slightly large than wallet sized portrait of a young man in a pressed white uniform.

"Yeah. I had just graduated from the naval academy and was about to be deployed on my first tour."

"You haven't changed." She said after looking back and forth from the picture to him.

"Not really, no. There's your Uncle Matt." and he pointed. "I've been trying to get back in touch with him, maybe he'll come to your graduation."

"I don't see the resemblance."

"That's because he's your mother's brother. You're grandfather had some of the reddest hair I had ever seen in my life. Matt and I kind of fell out after Rachel died."

"Did he blame you?"

"No...at least I don't think so. I guess we just lost a reason to keep talking. We served together, but war stories get old after a while. I don't know." he just shook his head and turned the page.

"Is mom in here?"

"Yeah, let me see," he pushed passed a few more pages, pausing only once to remember. "Here. Our first date."

It looked like a rather fancy restaurant, a balcony with lanterns and spirals of ivy along the rails. Candles on the tables next to wine glasses. Jack was in the same white uniform as the previous photo, and Rachel wore a white dress, thin straps on her shoulders. Her hair was partially restrained in a half tail and full of almost immaculate natural curls.

"Where is this?"

"The Sky Garden Cafe here in Bodhum. I think your uncle set us up out of pity for me."

"What? Why?"

"It was all in fun." Jack grinned. "I wasn't much in the market for a girlfriend until after I was out of the navy, but that didn't seem to suit Matt that well. He could be awful pushy."

"Doesn't sound like it bothered you too much."

"Well no, that's true." he nodded. "In any case, I must have impressed her because she wrote me every month after that until my contract ended. And she was at the harbor offering to take me home."

Claire was listening though her eyes were dwelling on the picture, taking in her mother's face, her easy and warming smile. "What did she do for a living?"

"Rachel was an assistant at a local preschool until you were born. I made enough as a pharmacist to support us all, so she decided to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. By the time she felt comfortable enough with going back to work, she was pregnant with Serah."

"That long?" it was a fair question. After all, Claire didn't know all the ups and downs of motherhood, the pressures and precarious decisions it entailed.

"Yeah, you were three, so taking care of you alone wouldn't have been so difficult for me. At least that's what she said. You were a breeze to care for, so I didn't think much of it. Besides, she wanted to be there for all the big stuff; you learning how to walk and talk and all that. I didn't blame her."

Claire reached towards him, pinching the page's edge between her thumb and finger to pull it across and reveal the next set of photos. Jack waited quietly as she repeated the action time and again slowly, waiting to speak until she bade him to with a question. He thought to just let her take it in.

"Are there more of these?"

"Yeah. You're mom and me put together one for both you and Serah, all your baby pictures."

"Could I have them...for a little while?"

"Sure, honey. Here," he passed the open album to her in order reach down into the hope chest and reveal three more. "The wedding album is in here too."

Claire nodded. "Is that what you wanted to show me?"

"Well," Jack took a breath, swallowed, his eyes still directed downward. "No. There's something else."

She watched her father reach down again, taking the edges of one of the smaller compartments and pulling it aside, sliding it like a drawer. Beneath it was another, a much deeper one. From it emerged a small plush toy, a green skinned, fish-tailed creature with golden eyes and wearing a mud colored, hooded robe. He handed it to his eldest daughter, holding his breath as well for a moment. His heart was pounding behind his ribs.

"Do you remember him?" he asked when he couldn't stand the silence anymore.

Claire took the toy in both hands, fingers pressing into the pliable thing. Her brow knitted as she looked it over, turning it this way and that. In spite of such close inspection, she would only shake her head.

"You named him Don Ton and took him everywhere you went, though that changed after you turned...five I think. You were okay with letting him stay in your room, but you couldn't sleep without him."

Her brow creased, mind struggling to remember but drawing a frustrating blank.

"We found him in your sister's bed the night you disappeared. Maybe you put him in with her?"

"I..." the words wouldn't form, her thoughts still striving, "I don't know."

Jack watched Claire's features tighten and morph, anxious. "You really don't remember what happened that night, do you?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he shrugged after a moment, "it's okay. At this point it's mostly my own curiosity...as awful as that might sound."

"It doesn't. I feel the same way."

He just shook his head, sniffing and rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes after taking off his glasses. "But...you know what happened to your mom."

"I do. Serah told me."

"How much did she tell you?"

"Mom shot herself. We've been over this before."

"I know, but Serah never told you that she found Rachel."

Claire looked up at him, expression vacant but eyes sharp and all attentive.

Jack rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, sniffing again. "Rachel was in your room...I had come back from picking Serah up from school...man, what I would give that it didn't happen that way. It should've been me...kid that young shouldn't have to see that kind of thing."

Claire felt her insides tense, though she wasn't sure why.

"And," his throat was tightening now, it was audible, "Rachel was holding Don Ton." A shimmering bead rolled down his stubble darkened face only to be swiftly wiped away on his sleeve. "She...she just couldn't live without you, honey. That's the only way I know how to say it. Her bond with you, her firstborn...I guess I just don't understand. I knew she was hurting because I was hurting too, but...I couldn't do anything about it. Gods know I tried. It just wasn't enough."

Claire swallowed the lump in her throat, her chin dipping towards her chest and her eyes falling on the doll again.

"I wanted to throw him away after that...but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Couldn't stand to look at it either...too painful I guess. So I put it in the hope chest. It was all I had left of you...your mom too, I guess."

She didn't seem to react or have a vocal response to his words, so she remained still and silent. Further unconscious inspection of the doll revealed a dark blemish on the back of the creature's head. Dull and copper colored.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking...you deserved to have this back a long time ago, but I just wanted to be sure you could handle hearing its story. You're not mad at me for keeping him, are you, sweetheart?"

She raised her head and managed to look at him again, their eyes meeting. She saw the sadness on his face and felt her heart soften, reach out to him.

"No, dad, I'm not. You did what you thought was best and I can't hold that against you. In fact...thank you...for holding on to this for me."

Though he was surprised, the emotion evident on his face, Jack just nodded in acceptance and took Claire's hand. Holding on as if he never meant to let go.

Author's Note: Hopefully I won't have too many more of these dialogue binges, as I've told most of what I need to. I've got some thinking and research to do yet, considering how Dr. Ballad is going to help Claire, so it might be a while before the next chapter comes out. I'll do my best to give you guys whatever it is you're looking for. And as usual, thanks so much for all of the support and encouragement. Here's to hoping the feels weren't too much to handle.