A/N: Happy Friday! Also, this is the thirteenth chapter. ;)

Why was this so damn confusing?

Was it too much to ask for God to cooperate with me for once? Would that take a little too much effort? It didn't even seem like there was one, probably some sick force in the universe that decided to fuck with my head. Other teenagers don't go through this yoyo shit, do they?

I sounded like some whiney emo kid with nothing better to do then torment myself, but I didn't care, I hit that about five miles back. I was into masochism territory now. It didn't used to be like this; everything used to feel great; I'd never second guessed myself. What felt right, was right.

Freshman year was supposed to be great; I'd delayed my arrival and was ready to tear it up. My first party, one with seniors and even college kids was all I'd thought about for a week. Bella had been hesitant; it was hard to convince Charlie that we were just going to hang out for the night.

We walked there. At the time neither of us could drive, and it wouldn't be cool at all to get a ride from a parent. The house was already stiflingly full by the time we got there. Mountains of people were gathered around us, dancing and grinding with drunken enthusiasm.

Somehow, after a half hour of being there, I'd lost Bella in the crowd. We'd said we'd meet up at the front yard if we got separated. Too bad I was a bit tipsy.

On my way to the front door, the handle in sight, someone grabbed my shoulder. When I turned around some tall blonde was leering over me. She licked her lips before she began to dance – or grind with the pulsing of the music.

To a fourteen, almost fifteen-year-old kid, this was heaven. The blonde talked to me for a while, telling me all about how she just came in from out of state and was looking for a good time. I was only too happy to keep talking to her. Thinking back on it now, she was just oozing sex, not at all the kind of girl I'd go for. But then, she was the fantasy Play Boy girl.

"Do you wanna go upstairs with me?" she'd asked. Like the lust stricken boy that I was, I followed her without a complaint.

I didn't know what she wanted; I just knew I wanted to follow her. She pulled me to the last bedroom on the second floor and immediately started to kiss my neck. This was completely new. I mean, sure, I'd kissed Bella before, but it was all innocent, just little pecks for a test. With the exception of trying to French kiss, which turned into one big slobber fest.

The blonde in front of me – I think she said her name was Tanya – started to pull my clothes off, one by one. I couldn't do anything but try to stop the embarrassing noises that wanted to come out.

In an instant, she was on her knees in front of me. I could feel the blood rush to my face; I knew about this, I wasn't an idiot. I'd never experienced it before, but I knew the logistics of sex. Tanya didn't even bother to pull down my pants; she just unzipped my jeans and slipped me out of my boxers.

Instantly hard, she gave me my first blowjob. She had this annoying tongue ring that I knew was supposed to feel good, but the way she'd scrape it when she deep throated made me suppress a groan of pain.

"Have you ever been with a woman before?" she'd asked, her Botox injected lips lifting up at the corners. There was nothing real on that woman. Her whole face was surgically enhanced, her chest had two balloons implanted, and her hair was a mess of extensions.

I shook my head 'no' and she grabbed my hand before pushing me on my back. Her tube top slipped down and she struggled out of her too-tight jeans before she flipped her hair behind her back.

She had this cocky smirk on her face, telling me where to touch her and what I should do. Her tits were moving everywhere, annoying the hell out of me. I'd made a vow never to date a girl with implants.

All too soon, I slipped inside of her. She wasn't at all tight and warm like Bella had been; she was kind of loose and moist. I had my orgasm long before she did, I felt emasculated by that. She told me that she'd been with a lot of guys, and she considered herself a succubus. The word that flittered through my mind was 'Slut', but I didn't dare say that aloud.

When she was done with me, still not satisfied, she told me to try again with someone else who was more patient. That did wonders for my morality.

I left through the back so I wouldn't have to see her again, and made my way to the front yard. Bella was standing there, looking antsy as she moved from one foot to another. My hands dug into my pants pocket and I tried to put on a cheery expression.

"God, where have you been? I've been out here for half an hour. Some guy kept coming up to me and he said he was going to get us drinks. Let's get out of here before he comes back!" And we did just that.

The walk home was pretty quiet. She knew something was wrong, and I wanted to tell her. But, what would she think of me? I'd just tried to fuck some random girl and I completely bombed at it. Would she think I was some kind of a pussy? Bella was more worried about someone following us; that guy made her nerves jumpy.

That night we watched a couple horror movies, but I didn't know what they were. I didn't think about Tanya again, successfully repressing her from my mind. I was glad that she was out of state so I wouldn't have to see her again. I lay awake for hours until my body gave out and I more-or-less passed out.

That week in school I listened to all the gossip and latest rumours that floated around. I didn't hear my name mixed in anywhere, so I was pretty sure I was in the clear. I still felt dirty about the whole thing; it was completely dogging my self-esteem.

I caved and told Bella about what happened, even shedding a tear here or there – like I wasn't pathetic enough. She understood, but she was also disappointed. I could tell.

Two weeks later I heard that Jessica Stanley had sex with some college kid. She said she didn't like it because it hurt too much. I may not have gotten that chick off, but I didn't hurt her. Jessica flirted with me in math like usual, but that day I flirted back, getting her to go on a date with me on Saturday.

It didn't take much for me to get her into bed. My house was empty and when I implied that we go up to my room, she was only too happy. She got off; boy did she get off. I came after she did twice. My masculinity was upped ten times what it was before.

I blamed my first performance off of the fact that I had been a virgin. I wanted to test it out more, so after I successfully got rid of Jessica while she went after Mike Newton, Lauren came onto me.

From then on it had been only to see that I could get a girl off, and when I could, it became convenience. I liked the feeling I got; I liked the way it relieved stress, and I liked the way I was good at it. When girls started coming back, I could distinguish between who was a good lay and who was completely horrible. Sure, I felt like a dick, but I was selfish.

Bella slowly started to draw away, and I barely even noticed. I wanted her, too, and I didn't even realize it. I'd been used to getting any girl that I wanted, and I wanted her the absolute most. I had to constantly tell myself that she was my best friend; she wasn't like the other girls.

That only made me want her more.

Through the years, I watched her closely. I saw every line and curve form out and become incredible beneath her clothes. It was a secret fantasy. I wanted her; she was my fantasy.

I wanted to fuck her six ways from Sunday. I liked how innocent she could be at times, the way she read a book with her body so relaxed. I wanted to come up behind her and do things that made me hard to even glimpse at in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to strip her down and bend her over a desk.

Then there were other times where she was so feisty. One minute she was laughing and if I said something wrong she'd get so mad. I liked that the best. Her cheeks would get all red, her lips puffy, and her breathing sped. I wanted to do that to her. I sometimes wished she'd scratch me. Just one swipe of her nails and then I'd want her to ride me with that sexy pissed off expression.

It was sick, oh God was it sick, but I couldn't help it. She was untouchable; the one thing I couldn't have. It drove me mad, it drove me wild and crazy, but I liked it.

So when it got to the point that I'd do absolutely ridiculous things just to see her react in some way, I knew I had to do something. I was tired of feeling her up and playing it off as a joke. I didn't like it when she was sitting next to me, her nipples hard, and I couldn't do anything about it.

When she got tired of being the joke, of being the virgin, I knew that was one thing I could do better for her than anyone else.

Every time she liked it, and every time she came back for more. I liked it too much, the way her face looked when she would cum on my fingers. It was the highlight of my dreams. I started to notice her every movement, just the slightest step would seem so erotic to me.

And then there were other things I noticed, too.

The way she smiled, the way she laughed. When she got a good grade her eyes would light up like she just saw the last present under the Christmas Tree. I liked those looks just as much. The innocence was as good as everything else. Everyone else talked about how great her ass looked or how perky her tits were; sure, I'd noticed those things, too. I was interested in anything that had to do with her.

The saddest part was that all that time that I'd fooled around and tried to distinguish those anxious feelings, the answer was right in front of me. Every day, and almost every night, the solution had been there, but I was too blind to even notice it.

And now, as Bella's soft, warm lips crashed onto mine, I finally figured it out. It had taken me a couple years, but better late then never.

I kissed her back with everything in me, not like I'd kissed any girl before. Her small hands delved into my hair and I pushed her up against the house with all the strength I had. Every line and curve hit me with the added flavour of her tongue.

My body shuddered and my heart began to speed up. This was the feeling I was looking for. I loved this feeling too much to ever let it go away.

I loved Bella too much to let her go away.

A/N: Hey, I promised a lemon. I didn't specify who it was between...

Does this solve most of the unsolved mysteries of why Edward's a bit of a dick? I hope so, next chapter is probably one of my favourites in this series, so I'm excited about realeasing it; hopefully sooner than this. :P

Just to let everyone know, I've got projects and essays due before the holiday break and I'm rushing to get my project on Bristol done so I don't fail. But... fanfiction is top priority. :D

Don't forget to review!