Chapter 13

APOV

He stands still and swallows. Quietly, he says, "Ana, can I come in and explain?"

"I don't think there is an explanation you can give me that will make this all OK. But since it is your apartment, come on in." I am so angry my voice is wavering.

He hesitates before he walks in. He gets into the living area but doesn't sit down. "Anastasia, it's not what you think."

"Oh, so you don't own the company that offered me a job, in addition to owning the apartment I live in? I feel like a kept woman. Are you going to open accounts for me at Neiman's and Nordstrom to buy a new wardrobe and insist I get weekly manicures so you can parade me around on your arm?"

"No. It's not like that. I love you and I want you to be happy. I didn't know how to tell you I own SIP." He runs his hand through his hair.

"How about, 'oh, by the way, Ana, the company where you work is owned by me. I'm your boss!'? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because I knew if I told you I own SIP, you would think I had something to do with your job offer and you wouldn't take the job."

"You're exactly right. I have to call Rachel and tell her I resign. Then, I need to find a new place to live."

"Ana, you don't have to do that. You're overreacting." He talks to me as if I am a child.

"Overreacting! I'm overreacting? Christian, it's like you own me. You are in every aspect of my life. Don't you see how fucked up that is?"

"Ana, I'm sorry. I am. But I can assure you that's not what it is. Yes, I own SIP but I'm not involved in their day-to-day activities. I don't take part in their hiring or firing. I didn't know you were offered a job until you called me. I swear. I will swear on anything you want for you to believe me."

"You had nothing to do with my hiring?"

"No. You can ask Roach or HR if you want to. I promise. Don't quit, and you don't have to move. I try not to be overwhelming but it's hard because I love you so much. I don't ever want you to go through hard times when I can make them better for you. I love you."

CPOV

"Christian, you have to stop doing these things. All you are going to do is push me away. You need to give me space. I try to understand where you're coming from, but it's so hard when you do things like this."

"You need space?" This can't be happening. I've already pushed her away.

"Christian, no, it's just… you're so overwhelming." Her voice trembles and she begins to cry.

"Ana, are you leaving me? You can't do this. I love you. I only wanted to make you happy." My world is spinning out of control. I can feel her slipping from my grasp and for the first time in years, I feel panic.

"I just need my own life, to make my own decisions. It's important for me to be independent. It bothers me to have to rely on other people." She looks down and I can tell she feels bad.

The only way I can convey to her why I act this way is to tell her straight up. "I never felt the way about anyone as I do you. I want to spend every minute with you. I want to be with you always. I want to marry you." I pause, I've finally said what I've been thinking for a while now.

"What… what did you say?" She looks at me in disbelief.

"I want to marry you." I step closer to her and lift her chin gently with my fingers. "I love you. I will always love you."

"Christian, I love you. I love you more than I knew I could ever love someone. But marriage, already?"

"Yes, why not?" I ask her, shrugging my shoulders.

"Why not? It's too soon. I'm not ready. We're not ready."

"What do you mean? You just told me you love me." I don't understand what the problem is if she loves me like she says she does.

"I do love you. But I'm not ready to marry you. I'm not ready to marry anyone. We haven't been together long enough and we're both young. You're my first boyfriend and I think it's perfectly clear I have no idea what I'm doing as evidenced by my little freak out there."

"How do you know? How long is long enough?" I'm bewildered. I don't understand.

"I don't know how long. I just know right now is not it." She shrugs her small shoulders and looks down once more.

"So, are you breaking up with me?"

"No. I'm not. I love you and I want to be with you. But, I'm not ready for marriage. I just want to be Ana and Christian. I want to figure out how to be a good girlfriend to you before I have to figure out how to be a good wife."

"Anastasia, come sit by me." I sit down on the sofa. "Talk to me. Why are you so sure you aren't ready for marriage?" I need to understand.

She sits down next to me. "I can't put it into words. I guess I just need to know that I am enough for you, that what we have is enough. I don't want to be a business transaction - a contract."

"But I told you before you're enough. What we have is more than enough. Hell, Ana, I've just asked you to marry me. I want you to be my wife, forever."

"I know… that's why I said I can't put it into words. I just need some time."

"OK, Anastasia Steele. I'll give you time but I am not giving up on you. I'm going to keep asking you until you say yes or no."

It's been five days since I asked Ana to marry me. She's settled down from earlier in the week when she found out I own SIP. I should have told her but I knew if I did, she wouldn't take the job. I just want her to be happy.

Today I have an appointment with Dr. Flynn.

"So, Christian, how are things going with Ana now that you are back together?" he asks me and takes a sip of tea.

"Good, I asked her to marry me." He chokes on his tea at my response. I can't help but smirk.

"You what?" He tries to recover and sound cool, calm and collected as he puts his tea down.

"I asked her to marry me. I love her and I will never love anyone else. So, why not?" I shrug.

"What did she say?" He starts to write notes on his tablet.

"She said she wasn't ready, that we aren't ready."

"And you disagree?" He asks me, looking over his glasses.

"Of course I do. She said we haven't been together long enough, but what does the length of time have to do with anything? There are people who dated for years before marriage and they still divorced. My feelings for her are not going to change." I insist adamantly.

"So, why do you think Anastasia is so reluctant to get married?"

"She said she wants to make sure that she is enough for me," I answer him.

"Is she enough for you?"

"Of course." He's being ridiculous just like Ana.

"So, why is she unsure of that?"

He's starting to piss me off. "I don't know why she thinks that. I've told her multiple times that she is everything I want. She has terrible self-esteem."

"Christian, I think the issue she may have is due to your past. She may be having trouble reconciling why you love her and not your past relationships. You have a type of woman you are attracted to, so she sees similarities with them."

"But she isn't like the others. She has never been like the others."

"I understand that is how you feel, but I think there is some part of Anastasia who feels insecure in your relationship. She was a virgin when she met you and left you when she believed she couldn't be the submissive you originally wanted. Do you see what I am getting at here, Christian?"

"But I've told her many times how much I love her and she isn't like the others."

"I don't doubt that. She needs to believe you though. You need to show her - not tell her. She's scared and that's why she won't say yes. She doesn't want to get hurt. She is an attractive young woman with brunette hair. Your previous relationships all were with women who were attractive brunettes as well. You were her first romantic relationship, correct?"

"I thought I have been showing her how much I love her; but, yes. She never had a boyfriend before we met."

"Did she date anyone while she was in Georgia?" He asks me nonchalantly.

I know I am being irrational, but the thought of Ana with another man infuriates me. "She went on a couple dates but nothing serious or physical."

"And, if I remember correctly she had some self-esteem issues regarding your relationship the first time you dated. It's obvious all of your intentions are meant well but adding in her self-esteem issues, the emotional turmoil of this past year for her, and your past she's obviously apprehensive and overwhelmed. She's a strong-minded woman, which is different for you. You both have a lot to learn. And, since you don't have any experiences with relationships of this type, you and Ana need to learn to bend a little and trust the other person. You need to trust she won't run from you again and she needs to trust your true feelings for her."

"Can't we learn to do all that when we're married? I don't understand. If we both want to be with each other forever, then putting rings on our fingers aren't going to change that and we'll have the same about of learning to do. All of the previous women I was with would have jumped at the chance to have an apartment provided by me and an engagement ring. I don't mean to sound cocky but it's the truth.

"I see your point, but to play devil's advocate here, your other relationships had an actual contract. It was black and white and feelings weren't involved. If something didn't work out you just ended the contract plain and simple. Keep in mind that legally marrying someone, involving your deep feelings, family, friends, and the potential for a broken heart can be a scary thing - especially for someone like Anastasia who saw her mother go through a couple of divorces. Just think about it, that's all."

"Yeah, I guess I don't have a choice. It still doesn't change the fact that I want to marry her."

"It doesn't have to but please try to keep an open mind about it. Trust that she deeply loves you and sees a future with you. See you in a week?"

"OK." I leave Dr. Flynn's office and since it's a gorgeous day I decide to walk home. Exercise, even just walking, has always helped me to keep a clear head when I need to think.