13. Predicaments
Background: Season 1, Episode 5 (Rise of the Old Masters)
Rant: I had it all finished when my phone erased it for no reason... I had to write it all again from memory *cries*
Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, Mickey Mouse, Star Wars Rebels or any of its characters.
Additional disclaimer: The Banana Song does not belong to me; it belongs to Youtuber Onision. Also I did NOT make up the catchphrase "Yolo".

It was a bad day for the rebels.
They had an episode to film.
No, that was not what made things bad.
It was the fact that Kanan had spent six hours last night getting drunk on what was called 'beer' and browsing the Internet.

Right now, he was jumping around in the Ghost in circles chanting "ERM A BERNANA! ERM A BERNANA!"
His words were slurred due to his drunkenness.
The rest of the crew sat around a table in the ship with their heads in their hands.
"Filming starts in two hours," Ezra whined.
"Don't the Disney guys have detoxicating medicine or something?" grumbled Zeb.
"Chopper, send a message to the nearest Disney office," ordered Hera. Chopper obliged.
Meanwhile, Kanan proceeded to point at random places and belt out words that all somehow rhymed with 'art'.
A moment later, Chopper let out a series of short blips.
"He says he got a reply," translated Sabine.
"Well, what's it say?" grumbled Zeb.
Chopper showed a hologram of the reply email. To everyone's dismay, it read:

"Hey. Mickey here.
We don't have detoxicating medicine because we keep things strictly All Ages, hence, we don't drink, and if Kanan got drunk that's his problem.
Good luck with that episode."

"Really?!" Ezra blurted out.
"Well, looks like we'll be filming with a drunk Jedi," Sabinw grinned. "Can't wait to see how that will turn out,"
"He better stay out of my fur," Zeb muttered.
The mentioned Jedi was now hopping in one spot and making high-pitched gurgling noises that supposedly came after the chant.
"Rrrrrrright then," said Hera, "let's... uh... Get on with it."
She rose from the table with a sigh and everyone followed suit.

Several hours passed.
The episode had gone surprisingly well without much trouble. Kanan had mostly kept to himself, and things like the Ghost crashing or someone being shot out of the airlock (as Hera had worried) never happened.
But now, they were facing the most difficult task of the day: infiltrating the Imperial prison.

Kanan and Ezra looked down from the open back hatch of the ship. There was a small platform with an entrance into the prison, guarded by a few stormtroopers.
"We gotta be careful..." said Ezra.
"Right," Kanan grinned.
His verbal slur had worn off, but it wasn't quite so with his brain yet, which was why Ezra was secretly so worried.
Suddenly, Kanan yelled "YOLO" and jumped. He landed squarely in the middle of the platform, activated his lightsaber and, to Ezra's dismay, chopped through all the troopers.
'Oh no, we weren't supposed to kill anyone,' he thought miserably as he jumped down after Kanan. 'Mickey's gonna be mad.'
The alcohol had not touched the Jedi's fighting skills at all for some reason; Ezra did not know how to feel about that.
He hacked open the prison door and both went inside.

"Hi, Munilara Dululi," Kanan said cheerfully.
The expressionless Luminara Unduli said nothing as she stood up, and to Ezra's horror, seemed to melt into a carbonite-preserved corpse.
"Bye, Miliruna Nunduli," Kanan said cheerfully.
"Kanan we don't have time for this! It's a trap! Let's go!" shouted Ezra. Somehow, not having Kanan to think for him all the time had made him smarter.
Just then, the cell door slid open.

"So you finally figured it out," said the Grand Inquisitor with an evil grin.
"Hi Snoke," said Kanan cheerfully.
The Inquisitor merely raised an eyebrow in his direction, but inside his mind a voice was raging:
"WAIT A MINUTE SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE
WHAT IS GOING ON
THIS IS NOT HOW IT GOES
WHY IS THAT BOY SO SMART AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JEDI
THAT WAS NOT WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY
THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS
THIS IS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS
AND WHY DID HE CALL ME SNOKE
MY NAME IS NOT SNOKE
OMFG I THINK THAT JEDI JUST WINKED AT ME WTF"

Ezra didn't have time for this. He grabbed the back scruff of Kanan's shirt and ran out the cell, dragging the man behind him. Of course he could run at full speed while dragging a fully grown human male because he was the main character.
The Inquisitor noticed this and muttered under his breath, "Damned plot shields," as he gave chase.

"Snoke I think you have something on your face," Kanan pointed at his chaser while being dragged on the floor like a rag doll.
"It's not Snoke," the Inquisitor snarled as he activated his lightsaber and brought it down in front of him.
Had Ezra not turned a corner causing Kanan's body to slide to one side at that precise moment, the saber would have cut right through his legs.

The Inquisitor used the Force to knock Ezra off balance. Irritated as he was, he sensed the boy was strong with the Force.
"The Jedi are dead," he said as he lashed out his saber, initiating a fight, "but there is another path; the dark side."
He felt the conversation was out of context in this situation, but he tried to stick to his role.
Instead of igniting his own saber, the boy shot stun bolts from its handle.
"Never heard of it," he retorted.
"Heh, I ship you two," came Kanan's giggle.

"...what?"
"You're my OTP now, hehehe," Kanan went on. He was leaning against a wall with a stupid grin on his face, and his eyes were sliding off focus.
"What the heck is an OTP?!"
"Don't ship us!"
"Is that all you gotta say?! What's wrong with your Jedi, boy?!"
"It's his fault and BYE!" Ezra yelled as he grabbed Kanan again and ran for it.
He had been inching towards him this whole short time, using the distraction. He really was smarter today.
"Bye Snokey Snoke," Kanan said cheerfully as he was dragged on his back once more.
"IT'S NOT SNOKE!" The Inquisitor yelled and furiously ran after them, his mind raging about how he would let no one ship him with anything.

They met up with Sabine and Zeb in a split corridor. "Trap, huh?" said Sabine as she helped bring Kanan back on his feet.
"Yep," Ezra replied.
"Kanan messed up?"
"Yep."
And they all ran towards the exit, the Inquisitor's footsteps ringing in the corridor behind them.

Kanan once more displayed amazing skill for a drunken man in defeating the brigade of stormtroopers.
They had all jumped onto the Ghost and were about to take off when-
"Eeyyyyy Snokey Snoke," Kanan called out.
The subject of the insult dashed into view.
"IT'S-" he jumped over an empty crate-
"NOT-" he pushed a stormtrooper out of his way-
"SNOKE!" he threw his now spinning double-bladed lightsaber like a boomerang Frisbee.
Luckily, Hera pulled away just in time, but had she hadn't, they would've ended up with two Kanan's: the top one and the bottom one.

The Inquisitor stood fuming as he watched the ship grow smaller and smaller in the night sky, then finally stomped back into the prison.
As he passed by, stormtrooper IM-2LZ could swear he heard him mutter
"Not... Snoke... fffff"

This one is based on the assumption that Snoke is NOT the Inquisitor, and if by some terrible twist of fate it turns out to be so, I'm screwed.

IM-2LAZY to name a stormtrooper properly.

If you feel uncomfortable about the words OMFG and WTF, they stand for:
Oh My Flipping Goggles
and
What The Fudge
respectively.

And one more thing...
Pssst!
His name is Timothy