Jack sat in his father's old room, arms wrapped around his knees, staring into nothing. After having given up the faith that Sean would come home on his own, dad had wanted them to stay at grandpa's. Temporarily, he had said, but Jack knew what it was all about: If they didn't find Sean – soon – if he never came back – then they would stay here forever. Because neither mum or dad would be able to live in their old house anymore, with Sean's room and the cupboard in the kitchen he had painted, with every memory…

Jack buried his face between his knees. It was all his fault! No matter what his parents might say, he was Sean's big brother. He should have waited for him, or he should at least have told him how to fight. And now he was alone, and mum was crying, and dad didn't come home to sleep sometimes, and everyone was stressed and worried any busy and it would be Christmas soon!
Jack felt tears blocking his throat. He knew he had no right to think about Christmas right now, about gingerbread and presents and the tree… he had no right to still be looking forward to Christmas.

But he was. He wanted it to be Christmas, and he wanted everything to be okay, he wanted them back together and happy… what if they didn't find Sean? What if he would be alone for the rest of his life? Would mum start hating him one day, for not having been there for his brother?

"Jack? God, never do this again. I was looking for you downstairs!" Linda sighed relieved as she opened the door and found her son on her husband's bed. "Hey, honey, are you crying? What's wrong?" What a stupid question.

Linda sat down next to Jack and took him into her arms.
What was wrong? Every beat of her heart told it, pumped it through her body. Fear. Fear for her child's life, fear for both her children's lives actually, fear for her husband's life… fear everywhere. Linda knew that feeling, the paranoia that suddenly got the better of you till you just wanted to hide under the blankets and never come up again… she had felt it after Joe had died. For months her heart had stopped whenever she saw her husband leaving the house in the morning because she was sure he'd get shot. Then Jamie had announced his wish to be a cop – her sweet little brother, so broken in his grief, wanted to get out onto the cold streets, too. It had cost her all energy to stay calm and not chain the two men to the table on family dinner.

"Mum?" Jack's low voice brought Linda back. She took a deep breath and pulled him closer. Her son. Her son who needed her, right here, right now.
"Yes, Jack?"
"What if…" Jack broke off. He couldn't ask it, he couldn't, he was too afraid both for Sean's and his own sake.

Linda stiffened. Though unspoken she felt the question flooding the room, choking her. If she opened her mouth to answer now, she would drown.

"I'm so sorry, mum!" Jack cried even more now. "I should've taken care of him, I should've been there and… I don't know…"
"Jack, you did nothing wrong!" Linda held him away at arm's length so she could look at him, "Jack Francis Reagan, I want you to stop even thinking about thinking this at once! You understand me?"
Her voice was firm again. "You did nothing wrong. You're a wonderful big brother, and Sean's learned so much from you. Really." She couldn't hold back the tears but she smiled them away. "Jack, I am so proud of you. I couldn't think of a better brother, or a better son. The two of you, you're the best of both your dad and me, and I love you. We love you, more than anything else and this will never change, okay? You know that?"

Jack nodded, feeling very small. Small and light as a feather for a moment. He cuddled up to his mother again, allowing her to rock him.
"When will he come back?"
Linda kissed her son's hair. "I pray it will be very soon."