Dingy. The only word Clare could think of to describe the place was dingy. At least that's how it looked on the outside. She was sure she'd never been to this side of town before, because none of the buildings looked familiar but the moment Eli parked Morty and they approached the place he'd taken her she thought for a moment he was taking her out to eat. It looked like a restaurant, glowing open sign in the window and everything but it was dark and no one seemed to be there. She thought they would go through the front door but was confused when Eli pulled her to the side of the building and they began down a side alley to it, even darker in it than the place had looked itself.
"Where are we going?" She asked, following close behind him as he continued on.
He didn't reply to her but her question was answered as they turned yet again, and before them were steps going down to a door.
'Is that a basement….?" she asked still confused on their location.
He nodded, and Clare slid her hand into his. She was sort of terrified, not knowing where they were or where he was taking her but to her immense relief, he didn't pull away. Instead he lead her down the dark steps and then placed his free hand on the door handle and pulled it open.
Instantly they were rushed with the sound of base from inside. They were in a hallway now, the light blue walls were filthy with what seemed like years of never being clean. It made Clare her slightly nauseous and she jumped a bit as the door fell closed behind them. But her hand was still in Eli's and he hadn't pulled away and everything else didn't really seem to matter to her as she squeezed it lightly and he continued to lead her down the hallway. It was dim, but the sound of the music got louder and as they reached another set of double doors it was almost unbearably loud and she knew they had reached their destination. Eli pushed the door open and Clare stood closer to his body, looking over his shoulder into the room they'd just entered. It would have been dark, she was sure, if a multitude of colored lights weren't spinning around in every directions, flickering above them. The entire area of the room was filled with people, some dancing, some sitting at tables and some doing unmentionable things against walls and in corners and trying to hide themselves in the dark areas that laid scattered around the place.
"Eli…" she began hesitantly, still thrilled that he hadn't pulled himself away from her, "Where exactly are we?"
Eli chuckled, wrapped his arm around her neck and smiled, "Relax, it's time to have fun."
They had found there way to a table and Eli had pulled a flask from his back pocket, a mixed concoction he'd created from the cabinet before they'd left and held it out to Clare. She looked at it, thinking for a moment and then grabbed it. The metal was cold in her hands as she wrapped her small fingers around it and unscrewed the cap. She pulled it to her nose and took in a whiff, instantly regretting it.
"Ugh, what is in this?" she asked holding it back and Eli chuckled.
"Just drink it. That's what you wanted right? Something a bit stronger?"
Clare let out a soft sigh before she placed the opening of it to her lips, holding her breath in making sure not to smell and then took a gulp of it. She tried her hardest not to gag from the mixture. Eli would laugh at her if she did, and she wanted to impress him. So instead she clenched her teeth closed for a few moments and then took another drink.
Eli watched her intently. It was surprising to him how quick and easily she'd taken to doing the things he did. Part of him wanted to test her, to see just how far she was willing to go but a larger part of him wanted to protect her and keep her as far away from his lifestyle as he could. The biggest problem was her unwillingness to stay away and he felt guilt at the fact that he wasn't pushing her to do so. She held the flask out to him and he took it back, not even thinking as he took a drink from it and then screwed the cap back on before shoving it back into his pocket.
"You know this," Clare began as she looked around at the loud room. She had to raise her voice so he could hear her over the blasting music, "This surprises me."
Eli furrowed his brows, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know… isn't this a little to hyper active for you? It's just surprising."
Eli shook his head and chuckled. He knew what she meant. This rave, for all intensive purposes, was a bit too eccentric for him but it wasn't the environment that drew him in. What drew him in was the free substances that seemed to find their away around the room and just as he had that very thought he pushed himself up from the chair.
"Don't move." he said sternly and Clare took his words seriously as she watched him walk away and disappear into the crowd of dancing people.
She studied her surroundings. People were flailing around, dancing with others as if they had no worries in the world, rubbing their bodies against each others in some of the most provocative ways. Old Clare would have cared. Old Clare would have been disgusted by these acts and want to leave the moment they'd arrived. But she wasn't the old Clare anymore. Instead of those thoughts, her mind was filled with wonder of whether or not Eli would ever want to dance with her like that. Her stomach began to flutter as she thought about having his hands on her body, moving against her or pressing his own body against hers. She watched as the lights danced around the crowd and she focused on the people, imagining her and Eli doing exactly as they were and she became mesmerized by the movement. And then one of the guys in the crowd managed to attach his lips to the girl he was dancing with and Clare felt a blush fill her cheeks. But she couldn't look away. Instead she watched as their kissed deepened and she found her thoughts imagining that it was her and Eli and her heart began to speed. It wasn't until Eli sat back beside her that she pulled her attention away and looked at him. He could tell even in the darkness that she was flushed and he tilted his head.
"You okay?" he asked and she nodded quickly, shaking the previous thoughts from her head but unable to keep herself from looking at his lips.
"Where'd you go?" She asked, taking in a deep breath.
He smiled and held out his hand. Laying in his palm were two colored pills. One pink, and one green. She noticed the familiarity of the pills and looked up at him with skeptical eyes.
"I don't…" she began, "Should I be taking that…? Last night…"
Eli smiled a warm smile and suddenly she felt a lot safer, "You're with me this time, I won't let anything happen to you."
For some reason, she trusted his words and she reached out and picked the small pink pill up with her fingers. Eli held the green one between his thumb and index finger and grinned a devious look on his face.
"Chew it, it'll hit you faster."
The way he said the words sent a chill down Clare's spine but she nodded before placing the tiny pill to her tongue. Their eyes remained locked together as she crushed it between her teeth, feeling it break into powdered in her mouth before it dissolved down her throat. Eli must have done the same because he smiled then.
"You know Edwards," he began, "You're not so bad."
She felt her heart flutter in an escalading way and smiled.
Eli watched her smile, unable to look away. Even in the short time that he'd left her there he couldn't stop thinking about her. As he searched the room for some sort of substantial escape, all he could think about was getting back to her to make sure she was okay. He didn't want to pull her into his world but if keeping an eye on her meant allowing her to do these things with him then he'd rather do that then worry about her running off to do them herself. He didn't want to be that guy anymore, he didn't want to take care of someone else and have their life in his hands but for some reason, with this girl, he couldn't seem to not care and pull away. So instead he let her come along with him, making sure she was safe by his side. And as the rush of the pill kicked in to his mind, he could tell she would be feeling it soon too.
The rush hit Clare like a moving truck, but a light one that filled her mind with clouds. She felt ten times lighter and she felt like an electrical current buzzed on the surface of her skin, making everything she touched feel a million times more incredible. Eli watched her as she giggled and touched the things around them and he sat back, enjoying the feeling of euphoria. He was perfectly content watching her. He felt as if he could do it all night. Because to him, the sight of her felt more amazing that anything he could possibly touch. Except maybe her skin, or her hair, or her lips…
He was stopped mid thought the moment her hand grabbed his and he looked down at their now intertwined fingers. His eyes moved slowly from her hand, to her arm and up further until he reached her eyes and admired the smile on her face.
"Come on." she squeaked and he looked back at her confused before she pulled him from his seat and towards the middle of the room.
"Clare, what are you doing?" he laughed as they squeezed their way through the people around them, dancing mindlessly without any notice that they were there.
"Dance with me." she said as she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Now, there was no denying that he was high. He felt like a balloon filled with helium being pushed around by fast wind, but there was nothing in him that wanted to dance. Not now, not ever. The only thing he even seemed to enjoy at that moment was the fact that Clare was pressing her body against his. She looked up at him, biting her lips as she slid her hands slowly down from his neck and to his chest. His heart was racing, but he wasn't sure if it was from the drug or from the fact that she was touching him so closely or moving her body provocatively against him.
"Dancing isn't really my thing…" he said hesitantly, trying to find the annoyance in him but finding it impossible to do. Everything about him in that moment was light and happy and even the feeling of her fingers against him sent an electrical jolt through his body, igniting him with uncontrollable lust. His breathing picked up as Clare's body moved against his and his hands moved to her waist, trying to hold her still but it was no use and he was losing the will to care enough to try and stop her. And then a plan hit him. He dipped his head down low, and in the exactly right moment, he pressed his lips firmly to hers. Almost instantly she stopped, her arms around his neck and her body melted against his as the kiss continued. Their lips moved together almost melodically, parting slightly for air before they pressed them together again, connecting in the very way they'd both been longing for way longer than they were willing to admit. Eli couldn't help but feel like it was the most incredible kiss he'd ever had, but he thought maybe for a second that it was the drugs and alcohol talking. But no, it was more than that. It was a longing, a constant longing that he'd been fighting since the moment he'd returned his backpack to him in the nurses office that afternoon. It was a constant lust he'd been trying to fight back but had found it harder and harder to do every single day, building up bigger and bigger until this very moment when he no longer could hold it in. His mind was fuzzy, trickling with think murk as he fought through it, sliding his hands beneath her shirt to the warm skin of her stomach. And what delighted him, was that she didn't seem to mind. Instead, she thankfully kissed him back, continuing to press her body firmly against his and his body continued to buzz warmly.
"Follow me." he mumbled the words so quietly as he broken the kiss and laced his fingers in her before leading her from the room to a door off on the side. She didn't even ask questions, she was too far gone to even worry about it and the truth was, she trusted him though at the moment trust wasn't something she was too worried about. To be completely honest, all she wanted to do was kiss him again. And again and again and again. It was an uncontrollably urge that seemed to have filled her completely the moment she'd crushed the pill between her teeth. Her mind was so fuzzy that she was losing slight moments in time. Like she couldn't quite pin point how they'd ended up back from where they'd came, leaving through the doors they'd arrived in and were headed through the exit to the outside world. The cold rush from the night air hit her cheeks, instantly sending her mind into a flurry as her skin rushed pink, but she didn't care. All she cared about was the fact that Eli's hand was still holding hers and that he was leading her somewhere. It wasn't until they approached Morty that she realized exactly where they were but even then her mind was fuzzy and didn't quite assess the situation. Eli pulled his hand away only long enough for him to unlock the back of Morty and then he turned back to her, grabbing her by the waist and pressed her into the back of the car. She hadn't exactly imagined her first time being in the back of a hearse, but at that moment she wasn't really thinking and she didn't really seem to care. He crawled over her, looking down into her clear blue eyes and then dipped down to press his lips to hers.
Eli was wild with lust, aching for a deeper connection. It was like his mind was screaming at him to kiss her harder, to touch more of her, and for her to touch more of him. His lips broke from hers as he pressed them to her neck, nibbling and sucking on her skins and she lifted her legs up, pressing them around him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he let his lips dance across her delicate skin. Her breaths quickened as her fingers laced with his black hair. His heart beat against her so rapidly that she was surprised it was even beating at all. It reminded her of the wings of a hummingbird and she let her head lull back against the bed of the hease. His hands slid down beneath her shirt, again touching the warm skin of her sides, and let his finger tips brush with the edge of her jeans. He pulled his lips back from her neck and found hers again, sliding his tongue across her lips, parting them to make contact with her own. Her heart was in her throat and her mind was racing with fifteen million different thoughts and emotions. The pill she had taken was affecting her in too many ways. She didn't know whether to focus on his lips against hers, the tangled mess of their tongues or the incredible feeling of his fingers against her skin. Or was it the way his hips were moving against her, gaining small moans from her? Either way she couldn't seem to keep her mind on one thing. It was like she had the attention span of a child, wanting to take in every single sensation at once. Eli couldn't seem to stop himself either. The lust that had harbored in him for so long had fought it's way out and was uncontrollable. Like a monster in a cage now free to do as it pleased and he was doing just that. Ravishing Clare was the number one thing on it's list.
Pleasure was his favorite way to forget things. When you were in the heat of the moment it was hard to focus on anything else but just that. The pleasure of a touch, of a moment shared with someone else. Someone that didn't even have to mean a thing to you. It took over your entire body, burning in your veins, clouding your mind as it erupted in you. More effective than any pill or liquid you could find. His favorite high. He had spent countless nights with girls whose named he didn't even know. Clawing at his back, tugging at his hair, connecting with him long enough for him to forget everything for just a moment longer. And that was exactly what he was about to do. Forget about his life. Forget about the memories. Forgetting was all he seemed to care about anymore. He ran away from his past and he'd keep on running for as long as it took. Even if it took forever. His head felt like a cloud, floating through the sky, blown gently past with the wind. Each of his body parts were their own cloud, separate parts of his body blowing together. His head felt like the lights in the room, spinning around, his mind not quick enough to keep up and he longed for Clare's touch.
Clare's hands wrapped around him, pulling him closer and a moan escaped from her throat. He took it as incentive and pulled back before he lifted her shirt from her body and over her head. She was a little caught off at first but looked up into Eli's eyes. They were wild, filled with lust and glazed over with a look she'd never seen before. It was like he was longing to kiss her again, and so he did. His hands moved over her body freely now, not caring about if it was too much and she felt him press harder against her as his fingers slid to her neck. They each took in a breath as their mouths opened together, moving together as he then moved his hands back down her body, sliding them over her chest, over her stomach and to the button of her jeans. He undid them quickly, without a word and then before she could even think about it he slid his hands into them, behind the waste band of her underwear and touched her lightly. The hearse was filled with the sound of her moan as she pulled back from the kiss and her mouth fell open. He didn't stop, moving his fingers to rub against her and she tensed her body. She wanted him, he knew that much and he wanted the satisfying pleasure. It was like a repeated action in his mind. The same moment played out with a new girl. He knew how it went. He knew what to do and how to do it to get what he wanted. Just like every time before.
But was it like every time before…? Was she like every other girl he'd taken to filthy bathrooms? Random girls he'd fucked on random beds and left in the morning without another word? He tried to push the thought out of his head, but something happened then that made it impossible to do.
"Eli…" Clare moaned his name. Her small voice echoed throughout the vehicle and something stuck him then. He stopped what he was doing and pulled back, looking into her feverish eyes and took in a sharp breath. It was different. It wasn't like every other time because she was different. She actually meant something to him and it had taken him this long to realize it. Here she was before him, her chest heaving up and down with slight confusion on her face as she wondered why he had stopped what he was doing. She was so much more to him than he'd thought. She was more to him than a night full of high pleasure. He wasn't going to take her virtue, not like this. He placed his hands to the surface beneath them and pushed himself away from her.
"I can't." he said. His mind was surprisingly clear for the first time since he'd taken the pill and he looked back at her. She looked disappointed and he knew that second what she was thinking.
"Why?" she asked confused and he handed her back her shirt.
"I can't do this with you, not like this."
"What, you don't want me…. is that is?" She hissed as she sat up.
"Clare, that's not is it's just-"
She cut him off, "What's wrong then? I'm practically throwing myself at you and you're saying no?"
"I just don't want to do this with you, I can't. This isn't right…" he started and sighed, swallowing hard.
"You don't want to have sex… with me." she looked hurt, as if his rejection was personal, "It's not that you're opposed to having sex, just if it's with me."
"That's not it!" but before he could explain himself she shook her head and yanked her shirt back on.
"You know, I don't understand you Eli. One minute you're perfectly fine with this, with what we're doing and then the next minute you're giving me the cold shoulder. You keep leading me on and it's messing with my head. You're a real jerk."
"Clare, it's not that it's just, I'm not going to take your virginity while we're high in the back of my hearse."
"If it was anyone else you would! What if this is what I want? What if I just want you? Do you hate the thought of me so badly that you can't even handle the thought of having sex with me? When you so willingly have it with any girl willing to give it up?"
But that's where she was wrong. Because more than anything, he wanted to have sex with her. He knew there was no denying that. But he didn't want to have sex with her then. Not there, not how they were in the very spot where he'd had sex with so many other nameless girls.
"It just… it means more to you than this…"
"How the hell do you know what means anything to me?" She growled as she pushed herself to the back of the car and pushed open the door, but before she could rush out he grabbed her wrist.
"Because I-" he stopped mid sentence, seeing the tears in her eyes and a sharp pain hit him in the chest. He'd caused her to cry. There wear tears in her eyes and they were coming from him, and it was affecting him more than he'd thought it would. Because she meant more to him now. The stakes were set high and he was falling back into the same familiar place that he didn't want to be. He didn't want the ability to affect her. He didn't want to be able to hurt her, not anymore than he already had.
"You're right." he said, his face blank, "I don't want you. I don't even want to think about it."
Her face looked stricken with pain at his words and his gut twisted in agony.
"So this is it, this is where it ends with us."
"Clare, there is no us. There never was…"
Her face distorted with his words as if he had stabbed her in the chest.
"Still?" She began, he could see her temper rising, "Are you still ignoring this?"
He watched as she motioned her hands between them and his eyebrows furrowed.
"Clare, what part of this don't you understand? There is no this. There is no us and there never has been. This constant back and forth is more exhausting than my life and I can barely keep up with it let alone you."
"What more do you want from me?" She hissed at him, her lips turned down in a frown, "I have done everything. I have been everything that you could need and you keep pushing me away and shutting me out. If you think this is exhausting imagine what it's like for me!"
"Do you hear yourself Clare? You haven't been everything I need because I don't need anything. I don't need you and I don't need anyone. I don't want you. I don't want to care about you and I will deny you every single time you try to make us happen."
The upset look found it's way back to Clare's face, as if Eli has smacked her across the cheek.
"Then stop… " her voice cracked, "Stop coming after me. Stop trying to save me. Stop getting my hopes up that you care if you're just going to keep knocking me down."
She pushed herself the rest of the way from the hearse, entering the dark, cold night outside of it.
Eli watched as she walked further away and his mind raced. He watched as the one thing that had brought him back to life, that had pulled him from his continuous, dark lull of a life, walk away.