AN – There will be discussion of Suicide in this chapter. No scenes.
Chapter 13 – A Haunting Past
By the time we left Denali, Alaska and made it home it was Sunday morning. I drove straight to Bella's house accompanied by Alice and Jasper. Bella was home and the scene was exactly what Alice had seen. She was on the floor curled in a ball not making a sound. I listened and heard her even, steady heart beat and breathing and when I took a deep breath in I smelled no blood so I assumed she was not physically in trouble. The pain I felt though, having been away from her scent for four days and coming back to it now, brought me to my knees.
"Are you ok?" Jasper whispered. I nodded and resumed taking shallow breaths. Obviously I was going to have to reacclimate myself to her scent.
"Do you see her leaving any time soon?" I quietly asked Alice. I was not going to go in her house with her there.
Alice searched out her future and didn't see her leaving. She thought about calling but saw that Bella would not answer her phone. She saw nothing we did would change and make Bella leave.
Alice was beyond upset and Jasper was doing all he could to calm her. I hadn't realized how incredibly attached Alice was to Bella until this moment. I had never seen her act like this with any human before and I didn't know what to make of it. I looked at Jasper hoping he could help her or help me understand what to do for Alice.
"Alice she's ok. We know she isn't hurt; you haven't seen her hurt herself; and we'll stay here all night to make sure that doesn't happen." I took Alice's hand in mine as I spoke to her, trying to convince myself as much as her, that Bella would be ok.
"Edward! You don't understand. Bella . . ." Alice sighed, "Edward, Bella is more important to us, to you, than you understand."
I growled. "Alice, I know you have been blocking something from me," I glared over at Jasper. "You, too. What is going on? What are you not sharing? If it concerns Bella I want to know." Jasper and Alice were both doing their best to shut me out of their heads and thinking of sex with each other. I growled and glared at them both.
Jasper tried to calm me down. "Edward calm down. We aren't against you; please we want to help Bella. We want to help you help Bella. Please. We are not trying to hurt you or her, but Alice and I have had private conversations that we just don't want to share right now. We are mates and are allowed some privacy."
I didn't want to call my brother a liar but I knew he wasn't telling me the whole truth either. I also knew that I would not get more out of either of them. I had to have faith that they would tell me what I needed to know if there was any way to help Bella.
"Jasper, tell me about Bella. I assume she is in pain and sad?"
Jasper thought for a bit and responded for Alice, "It's hard to describe. She's in pain, an immense amount, but it is like she is trying to block the feelings and ignore them. They are hazy and unfocused. I can't imagine what the full measure of that pain would feel like, debilitating."
We all sat watching Bella lie there unmoving for hours. Periodically her entire body would shiver, the only indication she was still awake. Alice was very upset and sent off a few texts to Bella. We saw Bella read them all but she never responded.
A little after four Bella's phone rang and she sighed and answered. Jasper and I looked at Alice to see if this was good or bad. "Good, I think." She kept watching what would happen as Jasper and I watched the phone call unfold in real time.
"Hello," Bella said quietly.
There were four people that responded back at her. I remember Bella talking to her friend Emily about a conference call. I didn't know she was serious. I recognized Emily and Seth's voice and pointed them out to Jasper.
"Bella how are you? I want the truth; we all know what week it is." A girl I didn't recognize said.
"I'm ok Claire. I'm just trying to take it minute by minute right now." Bella answered. She remained curled in a ball on the floor as she talked.
The conversation continued and was hard to follow. It was obvious that this was a close knit group of friends as they talked of past things and people that I didn't know. It was also obvious that this phone call was specifically for Bella and the people talking to her were trying to get a read on how she was doing and trying to cheer her up. They expected her to be doing badly but no one was talking directly about it.
After a half hour of conversation the phone call was ending, Bella had said little until the end. "Emily, can you do me a favor?"
"Of course Bella, what?"
"Umm, I am not going to be going home this week and so I won't be talking to my parents. Will you please go visit them for me? Maybe get something nice for mom? She always liked sunflowers."
"Yeah Bella. I'll go visit them; I'll tell them you're doing well, ok?"
Seth then chimed in, "Bella, we will all be calling you this week. Please answer us; if you don't we will call the police to come look for you. We're worried about you."
"Seth I promise, I'm fine."
"Yeah Bella, you said that last year and I found you almost dead after you tried to kill yourself. You would be dead if I had gotten to you 5 minutes later. Just keep in touch ok."
"I will, but I promise no suicide attempts this year, I have things to do right now."
Seth sighed, "Yeah and come the last trial, what then?"
Belle remained silent.
After a few minutes everyone said their good-byes and hung up. Bella closed her phone and continued to lay there. Alice looked to the future, "She is going to lie there all night and not move at all. She'll finally get up to go to school in the morning but until then this is how she'll be, I don't even see her sleeping."
"Did either of you know that she tried to kill herself?" Jasper inquired.
Both Alice and I shook our heads. I was beside myself thinking of the implications of the fact that one year ago Bella tried to take her life and her friends knew and feared her to do so again. Alice was again upset in ways I had not seen before and Jasper kept trying to calm her.
Eventually Jasper and Alice left, but I stayed the night watching my angel. My heart broke for her. I thought through the conversation I had overheard. She didn't talk to her parents. Why was that? Did she leave her parents or did her parents leave her? If her friend was telling her parents about her did that mean that Bella didn't see them by choice? I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that one year ago she tried to take her life. I morbidly wanted to know what happened while at the same time my body physically shuddered at the thought and didn't want to hear more. Then the last trial? How many trials did she have and what were they for? How could I get this information and honestly did I want it?
When morning came I ran home to change quickly so that I could go back to Bella's. I arrived back in time to see her leave and I jumped up into her still open window and breathed her scent. My throat burned and the monster raged in a way he hadn't since the beginning of my being around Bella. I was glad I decided to take my time this morning and get use to her scent again. I eventually made my way downstairs and lay down where she had laid all night. I curled up and reveled in lying where she had been. Her scent was so strong here and eventually the burn lessened, though it never went away.
I went to school and sat to get ready for lunch. I received a text from Alice telling me that Bella was not doing well. I was anxious to see her. When she came in I was shocked. Bella was hunched over and so white if I wasn't a vampire and could hear her beating heart, I may have thought she was a walking corpse. He body was strung so tightly I was worried it would break. Her eyes had extremely dark circles under them, showing her already deprived sleep was worse than normal.
I looked at Alice. I know, she isn't even responding to anything I say. She isn't here. I'm scared.
Bella walked over to the table she sat at and collapsed in her chair, never having looked up or acknowledged where she was in any way. I watched Alice try to get Bella's attention. "Bella, do you want to talk about it?" Bella didn't even hear her.
Alice placed her hand on Bella's arm, which caused her to flinch. "Bella!" Bella turned slowly and looked at Alice. "Hon, what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Bella responded with a quiet, hollow voice then looked back down at her hands in her lap.
Alice turned to me. She looked broken. Jasper walked over to Alice and sat next to her, trying to give her some comfort. He looked at Bella and sent waves of peace and calm towards her but they had no effect.
Emmett was next to me, Edward, what's going on? Alice told us all about the phone call last night and I expected Bella to be a bit out of sorts this morning having heard what I did, but this! This is insane. No wonder her friends are worried about her.
I talked back to quietly for humans to hear, "Emmett I don't know what's going on. We'll just keep watching."
I sighed; time seemed to stand still with us watching Bella. Alice and Jasper tried to have a normal conversation at her table and multiple times tried to include her but she never heard a word they said. When it was time for her next class she slowly got up, looked at Alice and Jasper and quietly said, "See ya around." She then walked away with her head hanging down.
As soon as I was done with class I went to Bella's house where she was curled up in the chair in her study staring at the wall. I was watching her for almost an hour when her phone rang. She glanced to see who it was and answered. "Hello, Sam." This was one of the people she talked to yesterday.
"Hey Bella. How are you doing? Scratch that, I know how you're doing, I'd ask if there is anything I can do to help but I know there isn't anything you'll let any of us do."
"Sam, I'm sorry. I am not trying to be difficult; this is just something I need to get through alone. This isn't something that can be fixed, or wished away. It just is."
"Bella have you been praying? Have you been reading your Bible? Please tell me you haven't given up on God."
Bella blew out a breath. "Sam, it's so hard. I have tried to pray but I just get stuck. I don't know what to read in the Bible either. I don't want the uplifting Romans walk and I don't want Isaiah and being more depressed with those that turned from God. "
"Bella you know that God hears the prayers we can't even say, 'The Spirit prays for us when all we can do is moan and groan' Romans 8:26. You know what I say, pick up the Bible and let it fall open and start reading. I know how much comfort you find in it.
"Listen, I'll tell the others that I called and you are ok today and hopefully no one else will bug you, but you know Seth. Just please take some time and think about it. You know we are all worried about you and we'll be there for you if you need to talk. Also go EAT! You are too skinny and I know you, you haven't eaten in a while so please eat something."
"Thanks Sam, you all don't know how much it means to me that you're there for me. It really does help. I promise to eat. Now go take care of Emily and give her a hug from me."
Bella hung up and looked back at the wall. For a while she seemed to actually be seeing, before her eyes misted into void again. She slowly got up and made a small dinner of oatmeal and jam toast. While she ate it she pulled out her worn Bible and turned to Psalms and started reading. From time to time she would look up and think about what she was looking at with her brow furrowed.
After she was done with dinner she pulled out her school books and tried to work on school work but it was obvious her head was not in it and she was not concentrating. After a while she gave up and slammed her book shut. She walked up to her bedroom grabbed a pillow and went to her office, curled up on the window seat with a blanket and hugged her pillow to her. She sat there for the rest of the night mostly looking out the window not seeing. Finally a little after one she fell asleep for the first time. She woke often throughout the night and found little peace when she was sleeping.
I left Bella early Tuesday morning as I had class before she did. I dressed quickly hoping that I could see her before class tonight. I knew she didn't have any afternoon classes and often wouldn't go to the quad but went straight home after her last class in the morning. I decided to call Alice to see if we could find a way to get her to come to the quad. Alice picked up before the phone it even rang. "I'll see what I can do. I don't meet with her at all on Tuesdays but I'll text her." Twenty-three minutes later Alice texted me to let me know that Bella would meet us both for lunch. I was incredibly relieved and excited to have lunch with Bella.
I sat at her table, as I thought of it, waiting for Bella to get there. Alice came in first and sat with me showing me a vision of what Bella was looking like today. Again the walking dead was an apt description.
When Bella came in she sat down and looked completely dejected. She glanced at Alice and then looked at me. Her eyes lingered for a brief moment before she looked away. "So Alice, what's up? What did we need to talk about?"
"Well I know that we talked about meeting tonight but I thought we could get a jump on things and meet now instead. I hope that's ok." Bella looked confused. "Our sociology project. Remember?"
A look of dawning hit Bella. "Of course, I'm sorry I totally forgot. I promise I am not usually so absent minded." She looked sheepish and disappointed that she let us down.
I instantly wanted to comfort her. "Bella, it's ok, we have all semester. We just wanted to get an early start, if you don't want to work on it right now we can wait. Bella it's what you need, and we are here to work together." I hoped that she got that I was talking about more than a simple sociology project.
Bella looked up at me. Her eyes bore into mine. I looked back not knowing what she was looking for. She held my gaze and eventually shook her head slightly and looked away. "No, now is as good a time as any. What do we want to get done?" Her voice was still hollow and she seemed to be grasping for some type of control but she was holding her own.
Alice pulled out our project parameters and we started to talk and tentatively plan out simple particulars on our society. Alice was exuberant as always and took over most of the project. I interjected to try and calm Alice down and Bella periodically offered a differing point, which was always well thought out.
After we had been talking for a bit Bella's phone rang. She sighed and pulled it out apologizing. When she saw who it was her eyes widened and her heart rate picked up. "Hello."
"Hello Bella, it's Jenks. I see from your schedule you don't have class right now, can we talk for a few minutes?"
"Ah, um. Yeah can you give me a minute?" She looked up at me and Alice and said. "I am so sorry I have to take this. Do you mind if I have a minute of privacy?" Her eyes beseeched us. We both said it was not a problem and walked over to sit by Rose and Jasper letting her think she had privacy when our entire table was focused on her and her conversation.
"Hi, Mr. Jenks. What can I help you with?" She was very tentative and pulled a leg up on her chair hugging it to her. I have no idea how but she managed to pull more inside herself and turn whiter then she had been.
"Bella I know what week it is for you and I wanted to talk to you about a few things. Number one have you had any reporters track you down or any issues with anyone finding you? I am not anticipating any problems but I want to make sure you're ok."
"No sir, I haven't had any problems."
"Good, if you do let me know. I will be happy to contact the Seattle PD and have them help you. In fact I have already asked that they do a couple extra drive bys by your house to make sure you are ok. Don't worry I haven't told anyone anything I just want to make sure you're safe."
"Thank you Mr. Jenks, I appreciate it."
"Next, there has been no movement on Riley's trail. I have been digging and from what I am finding there is little hope that an insanity plea will work. Bella, he will be tried for both murders and will not be able to plea down." Bella started shaking and was biting her lip so hard that I was waiting for it to start bleeding. "At this point the case is solid and we have no worries. With you testifying it becomes a slam dunk. I will tell you though, I'm expecting the defense to call into question your mental condition so when you come in Dec I would like you to submit to a formal Psych exam to prove you're of sound mind and able to give testimony. This is mostly an unnecessary step but I want to make sure there are no holes for Riley to slip through. Ok."
"Yes sir."
Jenks voice softened from the business tone he had been using to a much more personal one. "Bella tell me, how are you doing? I know what week it is and I want to know if you are ok. I don't want a call from the police telling me that you OD'ed on meds again trying to kill yourself."
"I promise, no OD'ing. I will be there in December." Bella was still shaking.
Jenks sighed. "Bella you know that I am concerned about you for you. Do you know what you're going to do after the last trial? I have been looking and there are no new witnesses coming forward so Paul's trial should be in February. After that you're done. What will you do then?"
"I don't know." Bella whispered.
"Ok Bella, We'll talk more when I see you in December. Please take care and if you need help with something let me or Phil know. He's still keeping track of you right?"
"Yeah he still keeps track of me."
"Ok you take care. Bye."
"Bye."
The thoughts of Alice, Rose and Jasper were flooding my mind and I could barely keep up. Finally Rose stepped in and spoke quietly so no one could here."Murder? I thought we were talking assault, rape or battery? Who in the hell was murdered?"
Jasper answered, "I have no clue but I can tell you that Bella has immense guilt over it. I mean to the point that I wonder if she killed someone herself."
I couldn't picture the broken woman I was seeing hurting anyone much less murdering someone. Plus she wasn't on trial but testifying. Did she think that she caused someone to get killed?
Rose was asking questions again. "Who is Paul? Is that about the murderer or something else? Why is this girl in so much trouble?" In her thoughts I could hear a lessening of the animosity towards Bella then had been there before. Rose had been trying to hide it but she couldn't from me. She was incredibly jealous of the attention that Bella was getting, particularly from me and Emmett. She didn't get why Emmett was so distracted by a human and didn't want him talking to girls even though she knew he loved her more than anyone. As for me, it was Rose's vanity that was her undoing in not giving Bella a fair shot. She didn't like that I was obsessed with Bella when I barely cared about her. Rose thought the world should revolve around her and she didn't like that I didn't agree. As long as I didn't care about anyone she dealt with it but now that I was showing that I care about a person she was mad it wasn't her.
I shrugged I had no answers for anyone. I sat staring at Bella. What was this girl's story? Somehow a "simple" assault or rape did not sound like it covered her past.
Bella hadn't moved at all, lost in thoughts that plagued her. Suddenly she shook her head, almost like she was coming out of water, and looked around as if to figure out where she was. She caught Alice's eye and indicated that we could come back over and sit down.
We both went back over and tried to act like we didn't have a million questions to ask or that we had over heard her entire phone call. Alice asked, "Everything alright Bella?"
"Yeah, yeah everything's fine." Bella attempted to smile but it looked more like a grimace.
We continued talking about our project for a bit until Alice and I needed to leave for class. Bella packed up her things and followed us out.
I didn't pay attention to a thing my professors said the entire afternoon. All I could do was think through the two conversations Bella had had in the last 24 hours. She was obviously in a lot of trouble but how much and was there still a threat to her out there? Was there more than one thing her in past that broke her? Obviously something happened this week in history but were there other weeks that were also bad for her?
I went home after class was done. As badly as I wanted to see Bella I wanted to talk to Carlisle and Esme about what we now knew. Rose had already told Esme; and Carlisle was going to be home at five so I waited for him. We had a mini family conference where we talked about the new information we had. Emmett was all for tracking down Bella's past and killing anyone that hurt her, I was in agreement with that decision but knew better then to voice my thoughts. Again we all decided to wait and see what we could but Alice was planning on stepping up her desire to get more information from Bella.
As Alice and I were leaving for class she had a vision of Bella coming to class in a taxi and said we were taking two cars so that I could drive Bella home. As we drove off I asked her why I was driving Bella home and not her. Alice didn't give me an answer but said that Bella needed to get close to me so she would be ready for homecoming. I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose. Times like this I wished I wasn't a vampire that could hold conversations from car to car.
We got into class and Bella was already there and on her phone again. " . . . your birthday. I know you never like celebrating and now you avoid it but please do something nice for yourself."
"Yes Auntie. I promise to do something nice. Ok. I have to go now class is almost ready."
"Ok bye dear, we all worry about you."
"Bye Auntie."
Alice and I sat down. Alice was bubbling, Bella's birthday, oh I think we should have a party for her, she needs a break. I kicked her and growled low in my register so that Bella couldn't hear. Alice ignored me and started to plan a party and got a vision of Bella locking herself in the bathroom and avoiding all of us in the future. Alice attempted to change the party's location, theme and no matter what she did Bella reacted horribly and with pain. Alice finally gave in and decided that a party was not going to happen.
Alice talked to Bella for a few minutes and I said hello, which caused her to blush. When Dr. Merrill came in Bella brought her focus to the lecture. I saw her struggle a few times to stay focused and she received two phone calls which she texted a message back saying she was in class and would talk to the person later.
When class was done, Alice bounded up and apologized to Bella saying she needed to get going and would catch her later. Bella tried to smile again. I got up and made a move to walk out with Bella. I didn't want her to know that I knew she hadn't driven here and I did not want her taking a taxi. I was not altogether happy with Alice assuming I would drive her home either. Such an enclosed space as my car with Bella's scent did not seem like a good idea. Just walking next to her caused venom to flow in my mouth.
"So can I walk you to your car again?"
Bella bit her lip. "Uhm. No, I need to catch a cab. I tried to start my car tonight and it wouldn't start."
"Do you know what's wrong with it?"
Bella gave me a look like I asked her to eat dirt. "No. I have no clue about anything related to cars."
I chuckled, "well if you want I can take a quick look."
Bella looked at me confused. "When would you do that?"
I smiled, "Right now, when I take you home!"
Bella's eyes got wide in surprise. "Oh, you're taking me home?"
"Yes Bella. I'm taking you home. It's too late to get a cab and I would not feel right allowing you to do so anyway. I can quickly drive you home. I promise to be a complete gentleman."
Bella looked down at her feet and glanced up at me through her eyelashes, "ok, thanks" She blushed and I swear I had never seen anyone look as tempting or sexy as she did right then. I felt my penis slowly begin to harden as Bella looked at me. I was terrified; I was elated; I was embarrassed. I had never in 90 years had an erection and here this simple broken human girl looks at me and I felt my penis stir for the first time ever. If I needed any proof that I was a monster, I had it now. Who in their right mind could be aroused in this situation? Only a monster.
I turned my head indicating we should go, Bella followed closely behind me. I walked to my car and held the door open for her. She looked up at me in surprised and threw me a small smile. "Thank you" she said softly. I smiled back at her and rounded the car, taking in a deep breath before I got in the car, hoping it would sustain me for the entire car ride.
"So where do you live?" I asked Bella, trying to not notice how the seatbelt fit right in between her breasts, pulling her t-shirt tight. I couldn't believe myself. I had never had thoughts of a woman like this and my penis was becoming harder. I grabbed the end of my shirt as I buckled up trying to mask my sudden issue.
Bella was quiet for the drive, for which I was incredibly thankful. Being locked in a car with her was more difficult than I imagined. I was not breathing but the monster still knew that Bella was there and wanted to break out, though at this point he was tempered by something else. The blood lust was being pushed aside for regular lust. I could feel the heat coming off Bella, sitting so closely to me and I wanted so much to reach over and touch her, too lightly graze her cheek or hold her hand but I didn't.
I didn't want to scare her, and my touching her could very easily do that. I also was afraid of hurting her. I didn't know how to be gentle with a human or how to touch one in any way other then handshakes or similar greetings. What if I went to hold Bella's hand and grabbed it too tightly and broke it. I stopped my train of thought. I couldn't hold Bella's hand. She would never want me. I was a monster and should never think about corrupting an innocent angel like Bella by touching her. The fact that I reacted carnally to her was further proof of my corruption.
We finally arrived at Bella's house; I got out of the car and took a deep breath. I looked over to see Bella getting out of the car and was angry that she didn't let me open it for her. Did she not think I was enough of a gentleman to do so?
I shook my head trying to clear it. "So can you pop the hood of your car and I'll take a look."
Bella smiled at me and did as I asked. "Can I get you something to drink or to eat?"
I chuckled. "No I'm fine Bella." I looked at Bella's car and found the problem. Her alternator was bad; I would be able to fix it once I got a new one. Maybe I could put it in for her tomorrow.
I sat down next to where Bella was on the front step and told her what I found. She was looking off in the distance at something that wasn't there. I doubt she had heard a thing I said. I carefully nudged her leg. "Are you ok?"
Bella started and looked at me. "Yeah, I'm sorry I was kinda out of it."
"Wool gathering?"
Bella gave me a strange look. "Yeah I guess so."
"Your alternator is bad. If you want I can put a new one in for you."
She looked at me strangely. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I want to and I can. Don't worry I can handle it easily. Can I put it in for you tomorrow?"
She shifted on the step and looked at me. "Yeah, thanks." Her face turned red with her blush. I loved that I was able to do something tangible for her.
As I watched Bella seemed to become unfocused again staring off in the distance. "Bella, are you ok? You have seemed pretty upset the last two days. Do you need someone to talk to? I promise I'm a good listener."
Bella sighed and looked at me. "Edward, I'm sure you're a great listener. Some stories though shouldn't be told."
I could only guess what she meant by that. She kept staring off in the distance and I could only imagine what demons haunted this beautiful angel and questioned why she even needed to fight them. She should be pampered and loved, not hurt.
After a few minutes of staring off Bella turned and looked at me with the most piercing gaze I have ever seen. I swear she would have been looking into my very soul if I had one. She started worrying her lip and slowly leaned toward me and placed her head on my shoulder. She sighed and my whole body reacted to Bella.
She sat inches from me and I could feel her heat against the entire left side of my body. And where her head lay I felt a rush of electricity flow. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that I would fight her demons and protect her. That I would battle anything that came at her and that she could be the angel she was meant to be, living peacefully loved and admired by all. But I couldn't so I did what I could. I let her lay her head on my shoulder. After a time though my body couldn't fight the pull to do more so I slowly lay my head against hers hoping that she felt comforted by the act.
That night we said nothing to each other. We just sat side by side each in our own thoughts.
Yes these are SM characters I am playing with!
So who here was shocked by the talk of 2 deaths that Bella is going to be at a trial for???? Bet none of you saw that coming. Well my Twilighted Forum girls got a sneak peak of that section but otherwise that had to be a bit shocking??????
This week I HAVE to rec SparklingTwilight. She has written 3 stories. Breaking the Silence is complete and a AH story of a broken Bella. Tides of Fate is lemony goodness on a private island and Anywhere but Here is a collab that is BEYOND awesome. I told ST that I would read a hemorrhoid cream ad she wrote for David Hasslhoff if she ever wrote one she is that good!!!!!
My thanks to Ronnie for being the best Beta and dealing with all my stuff. To my forum girls with helping me decide what Edward would call his man bits, Emma wins for Rod of the God's LOL though I did go with him using penis.
So I promise an aaawwww at the end of the chapter. Did I deliver for you all????? Yeah Bella is still broken but right now even though she is having a bad week, and it will continue next chapter, don't worry about her. Focus on her and Edward building a relationship!!! I mean hello Edward had an erection, that's all we need to focus on!!! LOL
Please review and thanks for all of you that tell me your thoughts. I love your questions and comments and I try to answer what I can. Yes EverlastingMuse I know you want to know what happened to Bella. I promise all in good time!!!!! :)