Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys.
Had a long daytime
no disclaimer Haiku now
Maybe later, babes.
These next two chapters are kind of boring, but necessary. But chapter 15 should be more exciting.
Lily slept a lot the first two days. I wish I had spent more time sleeping those first few hours in the hospital. I just wanted to see her, to watch her, to kiss her fingers, toes, belly, her shoulders, her little head and ears- all over. She was six pounds and eight ounces of joy for me. Even her butt was the cutest thing I had ever seen. She'd open her eyes for me; I thought I'd drown in those beautiful crystal, sky-blue eyes. Pi never wrote me back. I hardly noticed because once I got her home to the loft in Tribeca, she was up at least hourly, needing attention, crying over something.
Someone should have warned me how demanding babies were, but I don't think there was any way to really communicate it before. If anybody had given me a newborn before I got pregnant and told me I was 100% responsible without even a partner's help, I'd have been much, much more careful with Pi than ever when we had been having sex, not just relying on one form of birth control. The first three days we were home, I didn't have time to shower or even change clothes, she cried so often. I must have looked like a homeless person by the end of the third day of no sleep and the same shorts and long-sleeve t-shirt, coming downstairs with Lily in my arms and she was screaming.
"I don't know what I'm going to do," I said, hysteria edging my voice. "I haven't slept or showered in three days, let alone eaten anything! Everything I try makes her cry harder!"
"Babies do that to you," Kate reminded me. I felt so stupid for not even realizing how selfish I was when I was childless before. Now, I didn't know when I'd get to read a book or go on a run or fence or play my violin or relax ever again. Lily just needed me way too much.
"I thought you guys were going to help," I whined, sniffling.
"Honey, I don't know if you're aware of this, but, we need our sleep," Dad said.
My jaw dropped. "What?"
"We're planning a wedding in December," Kate added. "It's stressful enough on me."
"Stressful?" I repeated. She had no idea what stress was!
"Your baby, your job to lose sleep. If you never learn how to calm her down and fix it when she cries, how else are you going to parent her?" Dad asked. "You're number one in her life. We're not. We're more like number two."
"Yay, we're number two!" Kate joked. I didn't find it funny. She and Dad laughed at their own joke.
"I'm rubbing off on you, Beckett," Dad laughed, high-fiving her. The nerve.
"I think you are," she agreed.
"Look, I know this sucks, it's a trial by fire, but this is what all new parents go through. I went through it with you."
"Payback?" I snapped.
He grinned. "Exactly."
"Dad! No, don't tell me that!" I wanted to make sure Pi felt the exhaustion I was feeling right now, but I had told him I'd never bother him again. Why had I let him sign off on parental rights? Money didn't seem like enough for the exchange of my exhaustion, but it would be a good start.
"We'll watch her while you take a shower, but this kind of exhaustion? Get used to it. You're not going to get a full night's sleep for the next three years."
Everytime I thought of Pi, I got furious, and it was making me sloppy. At one point in my fury, I left Lily naked on the changing table to scream after she shat her diaper and spat up on her onesie. I went over to get a new onesie and a fresh diaper.
"Hey, Alexis what do you want for- Jesus Christ, what are you doing!" he shouted.
"God, what?" I shouted back, emerging from the closet with a fresh diaper and a onesie. "I'm changing my baby's clothes and diaper!"
"You left her on the changing table unattended! She could roll off and get hurt!" He picked her up.
"She's a newborn!" I shouted back. "She's not rolling around yet! And I'm fucking tired!"
"Sweetheart, I know you're tired," Dad said softly. "But you've got to take the proper precautions all the time, because eventually, she will roll over and get hurt. You have to be in the habit."
"I haven't showered or slept in almost a week and I'm starving and… I'm so mad at Pi!" I burst into tears. "I know I said I hated him and I wanted to castrate him, but right now, I just want to hurt him so much more! I'm all alone with his baby and exhausted and my episiotomy has made me one giant mess and… and I want revenge!" I dissolved in a puddle of tears at his feet. "That's so petty, but I do!"
"We all do, trust me," he said softly. "Why don't you go take a shower and I'll make something for you to eat while watching Lily?"
I snorted and wiped my nose on my sleeve. "Why did I think I could handle raising a baby?" I blubbered.
"These next few weeks are going to be learning curve, that's all," Dad said, holding out a hand to help me up. I took his hand and struggled to get to my feet. "And newborns need a lot of attention." He kissed me on the temple. "Now go take a shower, you stink."
I sobbed and cried into the shower spray. I felt sick that I had put Lily in danger because I was so exhausted and so angry. I was turning out to be a terrible mom so far. The water splashing off me was black against the bathtub walls. I stayed in the shower longer than I needed, until the water went cold. Taking care of myself had become second to Lily's needs; and I had no idea how much she needed before she got here. I wished I hadn't made Pi sign that parental termination notice and asked him for something, like money, for some kind of recompense for this. Child support wasn't always enforced. Enforcing it overseas made it even more difficult. My hair, that had been so healthy and full while pregnant, was coming out in the wide-tooth comb I used to comb it out. It wasn't that much, like clumps, but it was about fifteen hairs caught in the comb. Just for the record, I weighed myself to find I was only nine pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I thought fondly of how much weight Jessica Simpson gained in her pregnancies, and I felt much better about myself, even if that was shallow and mean. I had lost seventeen pounds without even trying. I couldn't wear my Forever 21 jeans, yet, but I was certain that if I tried, I'd lose the weight. Hell, Lily didn't let me eat and I was breast-feeding her. I put on my maternity jeans and a tank top and went downstairs.
Dad had Lily in a vibrating baby seat, and she was asleep. This left his hands free to make a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for me- I was surprised he had her sleeping already.
"Where did you get that baby seat?" I asked astounded, sitting down at the counter.
"It was yours, actually," he said. "I had to assemble it while Lily was in her crib. Why didn't you get this assembled and use it all this time?"
"I didn't know. I thought it would make her spit up or something. I was saving it for when she's older."
He shrugged. "I thought they taught this in the parenting classes at the Y," he said. "Babies like low vibrations. Especially newborns. It calms them. That's why parents drive them around at night in cars to put them to sleep."
"I can't hardly drive," I muttered as Dad put the soup and sandwich down in front of me. "I don't even have a car. Or a need to have a car. I have to have one to get her sleep? Babies are expensive!"
"Honey, this isn't going to be a picnic. You don't need a car when you live in Manhattan. And raising kids is an incredibly stressful change of life. But I believe that you can do it. It's worth it. You were."
"Dad, I don't know how I'll ever survive this," I admitted, picking up my napkin to wipe my eyes. I was crying again. "I can't do anything right, she was going to roll off the changing table and I'm so tired and missing things and-"
"You will be just fine," Dad said. "Maybe you're going through a little post-pardum depression."
"I'm not depressed!" I cried.
"You're alone, you're raising a baby, and you've just had a huge change in your body. It's okay. It's hormones and lack of sleep, it's not that you're weak. Depression is just a sign of trying to be strong for too long. Now, you've showered and gotten dressed in fresh clothes, and once you finish your lunch, can we finally go down to the precinct to show this baby off?"
"I haven't ventured outside the house in three days," I admitted, taking in a spoonful of tomato soup into my mouth. It tasted like ambrosia.
"It'll feel good to get away."
"I'm going to go put a little make-up on."
"I'll call Beckett and let her know."
I finished my soup and grilled cheese and I felt so much better with some food on my stomach. Dad made two more grilled cheese sandwiches for me, which I wolfed down. The vibrating chair stopped, and I went rigid. I reached over and flipped the switch to turn it back on before she woke up. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back upstairs to dry my hair and put on some make-up. I put on my face, and felt a little more human.
Downstairs, Dad was assembling the diaper bag to take Lily out.
"So what do we need to take her out?" I asked.
"Three fresh diapers, a packet of wipes, some diaper ointment, a rattle or a toy, a few towels, a change of baby clothes, hand sanitizer, changing mat, a blanket, her pacifier, and some sunscreen," Dad said. "That's just the basics. It's going to evolve when she gets bigger, she'll need different things. Oh you know what? Get some nail clippers for when she falls asleep. Those baby nails are sharp and you'll get a chance to clip them if she falls asleep while we're out."
"Thanks, Dad," I said, relieved.
I very carefully got her out of the vibrating chair, but she still woke up. I groaned as she whimpered, and I checked her diaper to see if it was full, and it was. A diaper change made her happy again. I changed her before putting her into the car seat and strapped her in, but she started crying. AGAIN.
"What am I doing wrong, now!" I shouted at at her. "Give me a break, please, Lily!"
"Alexis, calm down," Dad said, picking up the carseat. "You've got the harness straps too tight." He started to adjust them and she quieted down.
"How do I know if they're too tight?" I whined.
"She's telling you when she cries," Dad answered. What was he, the baby whisperer? "They shouldn't be cutting into her, but they shouldn't be loose. She shouldn't be able to move around much. If she can get her arms under the straps, she'll be like Houdini Baby and will be getting out while she's in the car. The last thing we need it her rolling around the backseat."
"Thank God I don't drive," I muttered. I was pretty much convinced I was the worst mom ever, and Lily was only 4 days old. She calmed down a lot when we got in the car and started driving. "Dad, do you think I'm doing things wrong?"
"Motherhood is like that. You can do everything right and still think you're messing up."
"Did you ever feel that way with me? Even though you're a dad?"
He shrugged. "At first, yeah. Then, I realized the way to make it work was to have fun with you more than anything. And I think that's what made raising you so great. It was fun. I enjoyed every minute of it, even when you were puking on me from a bad stomach virus."
I smirked unintentionally.
"I found the humor in the situation. Trust me, Alexis these days go in the blink of an eye, and you'll find yourself regretting that you didn't hold onto them longer and enjoy them while they happened. She'll be moving out on her own and going to college tomorrow."
"Hopefully, she won't be knocked up by Thursday."
"It seems like just a week ago you complained until you got to wear your tutu and tiara, but once I let you wear them, you were as good as gold," Dad said.
Would Lily like wearing tutus and tiaras like I had when I was a kid? I smiled at the thought.
"See? You were adorable, and she's going to be just like you."
We arrived at the police station and took the elevator up. Kate met us at the elevator bank, an excited expression on her face as we walked in. She had been talking to Ann Hastings, who jumped up with her and came with her to the elevators.
"Hi! Where's my baby?" she asked.
"I'm right here," I joked. "Ha ha, I'm funny."
"You're sleep deprived. I'm glad to see you're getting your sense of humor back," she teased, taking Lily out of her carrier very carefully. Lily whimpered a bit and several of the detectives and cops came out to see her. "There's my girl," Kate cooed. She stuck her pinkie finger into Lily's toothless mouth and Lily stopped her whimpering and started sucking on it. "See? Works every time."
"That doesn't work for me!" I cried. Everyone laughed.
"How are you doing so far, Alexis?" Ann asked.
I groaned.
"I know, it's tough!"
"I don't know when I'll get to sleep again!"
"You will," Gates said. "In a year." She came over and hugged me. "All three of mine. It's a good idea to get it done and over with before you really get into your career."
"I didn't know you had kids!" I cried.
"I do!" she said. "All in college, now. May I hold her?" she asked Kate. Kate handed Lily over.
"Even you do better with babies than me!" I whined. "Everybody's better with babies than me!"
"No, don't think like that," Captain Gates said. "You just gotta get used to being a mom. It just takes a little while."