Hi all – sorry it's taken a while to update. I wanted to be sure I'd gauged this chapter right. These chapters are a bit intense but I hope you all like them. Thanks for reading and your comments.

7. Past Emotion - Christine

Christine Chapel had been scared many times in her life – she had looked at death several times and had always managed to hold herself together – but nothing matched the unparalleled terror that she felt right now. She walked in the light of three moons across the barren earth of the planet and had no idea – or control – over where she was heading. She was sure she must be cold – she could see her breath rising in front of her face and was still in the clothes she had worn to bed, just shorts and a t-shirt, feet bare – but she could feel nothing. Her mind had been completely detached from her body and try as she might she couldn't even blink under her own consciousness. She had screamed and screamed in her mind but it made no difference – her lips remained closed. She was trapped and alone within her own body. The lack of control scared her more than anything else.

Eventually she had grown quiet and resigned. The questions had mounted but there were no obvious solutions. She guessed that where ever she was being led to she would find some answers – or death. She had seen the man die – a moment of severe pain, and a bloody silence. At least it was quick.

Had they missed her on the Enterprise? They must have known she had shot two people. Had they understood that it wasn't her – that she had no control? Would they try to find her? Would they wait until the daylight? Would she be dead then? Around and around her mind went as she walked deeper and deeper into the desert.

Eventually she saw something in the horizon – or actually the absence of something. She was walking towards a massive chasm in the earth. It cleaved its way across the red earth as far as she could see. Her heart sped up. Would she be forced to throw herself off? The fact that she showed no signs of slowing the closer she came assured her that this may well be the case. So this was how she would die – an apparent suicide alone on a planet with no one to hear her scream. Not that she'd be able to. She had never been afraid of death – until now everyone she cared about had passed on before her. But now she had found a place she could call home. She was useful and wanted. As much as she wanted to deny it, the last few weeks had been some of the happiest she had in a long time. And him – the doctor – the man that, as much as she had wanted to deny it, made her want to get up in her morning, gave her life shape and purpose, made her love her job. There had been so much she had wanted to find out about him. She had wanted to work at his side for many years yet. She realised now that she wanted to be more to him than just a head nurse.

She was now only a few steps from the edge. She silently wished everyone goodbye, gave herself to her mother's arms, and stepped over the edge.

She was vaguely aware of voices around her. Then she was aware of pain – every part of her body hurt. She could feel her body! She had never been gladder to feel pain in her life. It also meant she was alive. Somehow.

Her eyes flickered opened and met those of several women sitting around her.

"She's awake." She heard one murmur, and several of the women leaned closer. She pulled herself to a sitting position on her elbows and looked them over. They must be the women from the transport. They were alive. But how?

"Where am I?" She asked. Her voice sounded thick.

The women exchanged looks but didn't answer.

"Out of the way." She heard a brisk voice, and two women moved to make way for an elderly woman with a shock of white hair. "Ah, so you're awake. Who might you be?"

Her vision was becoming clearer now. She noticed the parched lips of the women, the haunted, terrified looks in their eyes.

"My name is Christine Chapel. I came with the Enterprise – a Federation ship sent to look for you. I'm a nurse."

"A ship to look for us?" One of the women said wildly. "Send them away! Send them away!" Several of the women put arms around her, comforting one another. She realised that they had lost their families. Did they know? The haunted looks in their eyes suggested that they did. How awful.

She ignored the pain her body and pulled herself together. She needed to find out what was going on and get them out of here. She was head nurse of the Enterprise. She had a duty of care.

"What is your name?" She addressed the older woman.

"Maghi." The woman was looking at her with hooded eyes.

"Well Maghi, could you explain to me what's going on?"

The elderly woman looked around at the others – thirteen in total. All that was left of the transport. "We came down on this planet – no major injuries to any of us. Then she started taking us. Turns out that the impact of our ship had killed her life-partner. She got into our heads."

"Who is 'she'?" The elderly woman, despite her apparent togetherness, was clearly in shock and wasn't making much sense.

"The Lady." One of the other women said in a toneless, and a few of them moaned. "She got in our heads, brought us here. The men and children came to find us and she… she killed them. She made us watch." A few of the women had begun to weep.

"She said its justice." A young woman said angrily. "Said we must learn her pain – that every female must learn."

Christine felt sick but kept herself calm. Panicking now would do nothing. "When you say she says – have you seen her?"

"She speaks to us in our minds – but we have seen her. I don't recognise her species." A woman mumbled.

Christine nodded sympathetically and forced herself to think practically. The place seemed to be some sort of cave, although she could see no entrance or exit. It was lit by torches that some of the women must have carried on their emergency belts. She didn't even know how she had got here, let alone how she could get out. "What are you eating and drinking? You must have been here for some days."

The old woman laughed bitterly. "Nurse, do you really think we care for food? I've lost my son and three grandchildren. Most of us don't care to live anymore."

"There's a small pool of water over there." One of the woman pointed, face tear-streaked. "But Maghi's right. What's the point? I want to die. We all do."

"So will you." Someone added in a harsh voice. "They'll come looking for you – the men on your ship – and she'll kill them. She'll kill everyone."

Christine felt her heart freeze. She hadn't considered that. They'd follow her. She suddenly prayed hard that they hadn't noticed her leaving the ship – that they would leave, decide that she wasn't worth looking for. She knew it was futile – Jim would never leave someone behind. Neither would McCoy. Damn it. How much time had passed? Were they already on their way? She needed to find a way out. But how did you escape a being that was already in her head – who could take control of her body at any time, even when she was on the Enterprise?

She swallowed her fear. There was only one course of action. "Take me to her. I need to meet this Lady."

There was a sound of a gong and for the life of her she couldn't work out whether it was real or in her mind.

"That's good." Maghi was staring at her now, resignation clear on her face. "Because she wants to meet you."

The women were all standing up, and she pulled herself wobbly to her own feet. She could already hear a whispering in her mind like the wind through leaves. She wondered where they were going to go. Then, in a large screeching sound, a hole appeared in one of the walls and the women began to file out. She grabbed a flashlight from beside her and joined them. She assured herself that she could do this. The being would be hurting, no doubt, but that didn't mean she couldn't listen to reason. She had to try.

The passage led out into a large hall. Christine glanced around her, fascinated. There were high pillars holding the ceiling up and light was being channelled down from the moonlit surface through a series of mirrors. This planet must have been populated at one time – considering the size of the hall there must have been at least several hundred beings. Now it was empty, the passages dark and unlit, the only sign of movement a single being at the farthest end of the antechamber. None of the women hesitated as they approached her, and Christine wondered whether they were being compelled, or whether they just didn't care enough to resist any more.

"You dared enter my kingdom, Christine Chapel." The voice the sounded within her mind was angry. "There is a price to pay."

She looked closer at the being. It was humanoid in shape, with a large forehead, massive eyes and a coned skull. Her body was emaciated, hands large and fingers very long. She didn't recognise her species at all. This was a first contact – with a being who happily killed other species and stacked them like firewood. The thought jolted her.

"Forgive me, but when we came to this planet we had no idea this was your kingdom. We came to find the survivors from the transport."

"The ship? The ship that killed my Lord – my last single companion on my world. You cannot know that pain, Christine Chapel. No, but you will know it."

Some of the women were weeping, down on their knees. "Lady, I assure you if the transport killed your husband it was accidental-."

"Words. Meaningless words that you people keep saying. What does the intent of the action matter? It occurred and so must the consequences. I am the Lady, the Queen of this Kingdom, and Mother of my people, and all others must know my pain. It is the way."

She took a step towards the being and continued to attempt to reason with her. "You have carried out your way, Lady. You have broken these women. They feel as you do. Allow me now to take them and leave you in peace."

"I will never find peace. I am alone. My people were once so many. They covered the surface of this planet – and the caves below. Now I am alone, my Lord killed by misshapen beings with no thought except themselves." Her voice was growing in volume in her head, making it pound. "You will know too, Christine Chapel. So will everyone that dares come to my world. Let it be a warning to others."

Christine was growing desperate. This being was not going to listen to her. "Lady, I understand your pain. I know it-."

"You know nothing. I have seen your mind – it is empty. So easy to control, to manipulate. When they come for you I shall enjoy filling it with something."

"Lady, I beg of you, show mercy. Do not do this. The others have nothing to do with this. Let us go and-.""

"Be silent Christine Chapel. It is too late. They are coming."

The women were moaning now and clawing at their faces, inconsolable. Maghi touched her elbow and pointed to a passageway with a trembling hand. She saw that it was now lit with flickering beam. Torch light. They must have found her. A small part of her prayed that McCoy hadn't come with them. Not him. She couldn't watch his death. That was too hard.

It wasn't meant to be. There were three of them – Jim, Spock and McCoy. Of course it had to be the three most senior officers running into danger. Why wouldn't they think? Was she really more important than the correct running of the Enterprise?

She watched as they blinked and took in the scene in front of them. The captain was staring at the being behind her with a frown. Spock already had his tricorder out. McCoy was regarding the group of women surrounding her. She searched his face. He was angry, she could tell. His mouth was a thin line, and his hands made fists. He met her eyes and for a second she couldn't work out whether he was angry at her, for getting them into this mess, or angry because she was in it. Then his eyes softened and the anger was replaced with one of concern as he searched her face. She realised that she must look quite a mess. She certainly felt like one.

"You must choose which one dies first Christine Chapel." The voice resonated in her head and disturbed her thoughts. She turned to face the Lady to protest as the captain approached the being.

"Not so hasty. You could at least tell us what we've supposedly done before you put us to death." He sounded confident. He didn't understand yet how bad the situation was – that this being couldn't be reasoned with.

The being pointed at her. "Explain."

She swallowed. "The Lady's consort was killed by the crash landing of the transport. She seeks to make all women understand her... grief by killing people that they care about." She turned to the being with a sudden idea. "But they don't care about me – not like that. You don't understand. I work for them." She tried to work out how to phrase it in a way that the being would understand. "I serve them. I am nothing to them in the way you mean. Not blood, or family."

"And yet they followed you."

"Because of duty. Not of other bonds. What is the point of killing people who mean nothing to me?"

"I see your mind. You lie." It was a lie. Spock was the lover of her closest friend, Kirk was the little boy she had once loved like a brother, and McCoy was… well he was something more to her than her boss. Something that she didn't dare analyse too closely but made her want to reach out and touch him. If they died she would lose everything.

"Choose, Christine Chapel." The voice in her mind demanded.

"I can't. You can't ask this of me." She whispered.

"I understand you are grieving." Kirk told the being. "But hasn't there been enough bloodshed? We mean you no harm. You've killed over forty of our people for one life. Surely that is enough, even for your thirst. Listen to reason. We can help you. It needs to end now."

"And so it shall."

The Lady waved her hand and the captain fell to his knees, clutching his head and writhing in agony.

McCoy ran to his side, Spock behind him. "Enough. Damn it, that's enough."

"Stop it." She echoed, her voice harder than she had expected. She could hear the weeping of the women around her. They understood. They had seen this all before.

The Lady waved her hand again, and Kirk's breath eased. Her voice in Christine's mind now was pounding and she almost whimpered. "Do you think this is a game? Do you think I am not serious? Choose and I will make their passing swift. Otherwise I will take them as slow as you deserve."

She waved her hand again and this time both Spock and McCoy fell to the ground. Christine was breathing as hard as they were. "Enough. Enough – I will decide." She choked out. The Lady lowered her hand and she approached the female. She had one last desperate idea but she didn't know if she was strong enough to carry it out.

McCoy looked up at her and met her eyes again with a look that scared her. There was humour in his eyes, not the fear and anger that she expected. His lips quirked to a smile that pulled at her chest and made her want to cry. He was telling her that it was ok – that she should pick him, that he wasn't afraid. He was trying to make it easier for her, ever the doctor until the end. Right then, more than anything, she understood what sort of man he was. It pushed her to action like nothing else could.

"You say, Lady, that I cannot know your pain, but you are wrong. I know it. I have shared it. I will show you."

In a swift motion she took the being's face in her hands to boost the link, and simultaneously threw down every wall that she had erected over a lifetime of pain. She showed the woman the grief she had felt over the death of a father, taken from her far too early, sorrow that she could never show outside as she remained strong for her broken-hearted mother, but how she had cried herself to sleep every night, wishing he had been there. Then the agony of the death of her beautiful, brilliant mother, who stopped recognising her daughter, who screamed when she came into the room, who became aggressive and unrecognisable, a stranger in the body of the woman she had loved. That almost unbearable grief as she stood alone at her funeral, young and orphaned and alone.

The Lady was tearing at her hands, screaming within her mind. She could feel blood trickling from her nose, but ignored it and held on tighter. It was working.

She showed her Roger – the man she had loved with every ounce of her being – his easy smile, the grey that graced his temples, the way he had always listened to her and hadn't made her feel like a young girl but a woman, entitled to her opinion, the way he kissed her gently and patted her on the cheek, the way he had proposed to her and told her that she was everything he wanted. Then the agony when they had told her he was missing, that there was little chance of finding him, that she should declare him dead. How she had slept in his clothing because it smelt of him and she didn't feel quite so alone. How she had felt at the Academy, just holding the pieces of herself together, feeling like her feelings would overwhelm her. Then later, when she had found him, when he had betrayed her… But the pain of that was too raw to show, even now, the wall too well constructed. So she showed her the other grief – of losing her friends during the Narada disaster, of the agony of their blood on her hands when she couldn't save them.

She rode her bottled feelings like a tidal wave as the woman's screams caused an overwhelming pain in her head that matched the pain in her heart. "I know what you feel." She told her. "I understand – and this is not the way."

The woman's screams became tears as she dimly felt the ground shudder underneath her.

"Enough." The Lady told her, as she shared her own pain. "Enough. Leave me now. Leave me to die alone."

But she couldn't. She heard the sound of crashing around her as spots danced in front of her eyes. The pain in her mind was unbearable but she found she couldn't break the link. She couldn't leave this woman to be alone. She knew the Lady's pain, but the Lady also knew hers and wept for them both.

She felt arms around her removing her hands and breaking the link.

McCoy's face filled her vision, arms around her, supporting her as her knees buckled.

"We need to go Chapel. The place is coming down." He told her, stroking her face.

"No." She protested. "Help her, doctor. Save her." The link was strong and she wasn't particularly sure which of them she was talking about.

"I can't. There's not enough time and I don't know where to begin. Come on Christine."

"No. You're a doctor damn it. Save her." She was shouting at him as her knees collapsed and everything went black. Then she was aware she was in his arms, that she was being carried away as the hall collapsed around them. She could blearily make out the Lady, alone on her throne. Alone forever more. Then she sank into darkness.

When she next opened her eyes she was dimly aware of the hum of a scanner and the rumble of engines. She couldn't remember where she was for a second and opened her eyes in panic.

"Rest easy, Nurse Chapel. We are aboard a shuttle and will be shortly arriving at the Enterprise." Commander Spock told her patiently without pausing in his scanning.

"The other women?" She asked as her memory returned.

"They are safe aboard the shuttle. Doctor McCoy is seeing to them now."

She tried to nod, but every part of her hurt, her head the worse. She felt numb and broken.

"Please remain still, Nurse Chapel. You may injure yourself if you continue to attempt to move."

"Yes sir." She answered automatically. She felt exhausted, but had to ask. "So it worked?"

"If you are referring to your actions with the lifeform known as the Lady, then you are correct." He gave her a long look. "Your emotions run deep."

"For a human." She finished the sentence for him because she knew he had been thinking it.

"Indeed." For a second she saw something akin to understanding in his eyes, and realised that he must have felt some of what she had done through his own telepathic link. If she'd had the capacity right then she would have been embarrassed.

"Damn it Spock, you were meant to tell me when she came round." She heard the gruff voice and looked up to meet the scowling face of the doctor.

"I was about to do so." The Vulcan supplied calmly.

"Indeed. Well go and keep an eye on the others and leave Chapel in peace."

The Vulcan gave a brief nod and moved away and the doctor took his place at her side.

"How are you feeling?" He asked her as he scanned her with steady hands.

"I could be better." She replied honestly. His presence was soothing her – his familiar actions and gruffness a balm.

"Well you certainly got yourself into one hell of a mess."

"I didn't have much choice in that. She was controlling me. The two men I shot…?"

"You only stunned them. They're fine."

She shut her eyes in relief. She felt a hand on her cheek, touching a wound that ached dully.

"You were very brave, Chapel." He told her, and she opened her eyes in surprise.

He was very close and she hadn't put her walls up again yet. "I couldn't let her kill you." She whispered to him honestly, meeting his eyes. Out of everything that had happened, the only thing she was sure of was the fact she couldn't lose him.

For a second she saw something in his eyes that she didn't understand. Then his face became businesslike again and he moved away.

"You've done yourself quite a bit of damage, and your mind's going to need some time to heal from the telepathic link. I'm going to give you a sedative, and you should sleep when it wears off."

"Can she still control me?" She felt distant fear, remembering that feeling of entrapment.

"I don't know yet. I'll need to run a neural scan." He gave her his small smile. "Don't worry Chapel. I won't let you go anywhere again."

She nodded. She trusted him. His eyes were the last thing she saw as the world once again became black.

The memories flooded back more quickly when she woke up again, and she kept her eyes shut, analysing herself. She realised that there was no pain, that she was thinking clearly. The grief she had felt was a dull ache still, but it had lost most of its potency behind the walls she had subconsciously rebuilt as she slept. She reassured herself that it was all over and slowly opened her eyes.

The images that met her eyes were not those that she expected. Instead of the sickbay it took her a second to realise she was in Doctor McCoy's office, lying on his couch. She could see him, sitting at his desk, analysing a PADD half-asleep. She took him in, the bags under his dark eyes, the stubble on his chin, the way he sat bent over the desk because of his height. He really needed to sleep more. He was going to work himself to illness. She wondered momentarily what would happen if she asked him to join her, to lie down so she could put her arms around him and soothe away those lines. She gave herself a mental shake. She was clearly still half-asleep. She was going to have to be more careful with her thoughts.

"Doctor McCoy?"

His head jerked up and he turned to her, rubbing his eyes. "Good, you're awake."

"I feel much better. How long was I asleep?"

"Eight hours or so."

She nodded, then looked down at herself and realised that she was still in the clothes she had gone to the surface in – her bed clothes. Why hadn't the nurses changed her?

"I thought it would be best if you slept." He explained as if reading her mind. "The damn nurses were fussing around you and wouldn't leave you alone, so I brought you in here so they wouldn't wake you."

"They were only worried. They care about me." She defended automatically. She cared about them too.

"Well they should have cared for you more quietly. Besides, they had plenty of other patients to be seeing to."

"The other women. Are they all right?"

"Physically, they've suffered from starvation and dehydration, and the effects of the telepathic link. I've treated that as best I can. However, psychologically the effects are more severe. We're taking them to Adigeon Prime – should be there in a few hours. They'll be people to help them there."

"Good. They've been through a lot."

"Yes they have." He paused and she suddenly felt awkward, lying on his bed half-dressed. Probably not as awkward as she should have felt.

"Am I ok to get up?" She asked him.

"You should be. I've ran scans on you all night. The link has been severed – you're your own person again. However I still need to see to your cuts and bruises – I thought it best to let you sleep."

She frowned at him. That didn't make too much sense – usually he was careful enough that he could use the dermal regenerator in the patient's sleep and not wake them. However, she was sure he had his reasons.

She sat up slowly and glanced down at herself. Her body was caked in old blood and red dust from the surface. Unfortunately she could see a lot of it.

"From now on I'm wearing more to bed." She said aloud, examining her legs.

The doctor made a non-committal sound and she realised her comment may have embarrassed him. That was strange. She hadn't thought that he was the sort of person that would embarrass easily. He was a doctor after all.

He got to his feet and picked up a pile of material from his desk, his face professional. She must have been mistaken. "I had Nurse Temple bring you some clean clothes, rather than you walking through sickbay as you are. Why don't you use my shower and then I'll heal the rest of your wounds."

She nodded and took the bundle from him, slowly getting to her feet. She felt stiff and slightly wobbly, but otherwise fine. She was going to be ok.

His shower was connected to his office through a small private corridor, and opposite another room that she guessed he used for experiments. Under the water she scrubbed every bit of her, removing the dust and the memory of that awful experience, cleaning her cuts and debriding them so that the water ran red. Shampoo stung in her hair from her earlier wounds but she scrubbed all the harder for it. She would at least carry no physical scars from the experience.

She eventually stepped out of the shower and realised she was making puddles of blood on the bathroom floor from her now freshly bleeding wounds. She wanted to groan as she grabbed a towel and did her best not to bloody it. She needed a dermal regenerator – she was already starting to feel faint – but hesitated. The voice in her mind reminded her that McCoy was a doctor, and had seen far worse things than his head nurse in a towel.

"Doctor McCoy." She called on him. "Could I borrow a dermal regenerator?"

She sat down and leant her head against the cool wall. Well this was embarrassing.

She heard a knock at the door. "You'd better come in." She told him. "I think I might faint."

The door opened and she looked up to meet his eyes. She could tell he was momentarily speechless. Well, there did seem to be a lot of blood. He was holding the regenerator, thank goodness.

"I would have come and got it myself." She told him, smiling in what she hoped was a calm and collected manner. "But I didn't want to walk blood over your floor."

He stared at her, then frowned. "Chapel, have you even tried to stop the bleeding?"

No one had a better ability than the doctor to make her feel stupid. "I didn't want to get any more of your towels bloody."

He rolled his eyes. "Damn the towels." He knelt down beside her, took one from the pile next to her and wrapped her legs in it to slow the bleeding. "Put your head between your knees Chapel." He sounded angry and she obediently did as she was told as the spots danced in front of her eyes.

"I hadn't realised that they were so deep, or I would have been more careful when I cleaned them." She murmured to him, as he gently pushed her wet hair to her other side and began to heal her left arm.

"I should have looked at them before you showered." He replied. He was admitting he'd made a mistake. That threw her slightly. So did the feeling of his hands on her skin. "The other arm, Chapel." He ordered her, and she held her right arm out.

She suddenly wondered whether she'd upset him. "I'm sorry." She told him. He paused, and she dared look up to meet his eyes. He was frowning at her. "I shouldn't have demanded that you heal the Lady. I know you would have done if you could have."

He took his eyes from her and continued his work. "Sometimes you have to make decisions. If I'd have tried to save her, we both might have been killed. Spock was holding the arch up. There was no time." He paused and removed the towel from her legs. The blood was only oozing now and she watched him as the faintness passed. "It doesn't mean I won't question myself about it, though. Sometimes what seemed like the only course of action isn't necessarily the right one. You'll understand when you're a doctor, Chapel." He took her leg in his hands and she studied his face, his frown of concentration, the burden in his eyes.

"I'll never be a doctor." She told him, his honestly allowing her to confide her fears.

He gave her a look. "Of course you will be. And a better one that I am, I imagine."

She wished more than anything right then that she wasn't his head nurse and that they were just two people. That she was allowed to fall in love with him.

"If I'm ever as half a good a doctor as you are, it will be enough." She told him with feeling. He smiled at her and she resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. He moved onto the other leg in silence. "Thank you." She told him. He looked his confusion at her, his hands not pausing. "For not asking me about what I had to do." She knew Spock must have told him something of what had happened – and that as her doctor and CMO he should have asked her about it to assess her fitness to work.

He put her leg down and wiped his hands. "We all have baggage, Chapel. Just promise me that you'll tell me if it ever interferes with your work."

"I promise."

"Good. Now I'll leave you to get dressed."

She blushed when she realised that she was still in a towel. "Thanks."

He nodded and left her. She got dressed and dried her hair quickly, pulling it up into a knot. She wiped up her blood from the floor and disposed of the towels. She checked herself in the mirror. Her face was slightly bruised, but other than that she looked fine. Good enough to do her job at any rate.

The doctor was back at his desk and glanced at her as she came out. "You should go and get some more rest."

She shook her head. "I'm fine. I can go back to work." His face took on that warning look – the one he used when he was going to force his way. "Doctor, if I go to my quarters I'll sit a brood. Right now I can't deal with that. I need to be busy." He gave her a long look, frowning at her. She could tell that he still wanted to protest. "Please doctor."

He sighed. "Fine, Nurse Chapel. But you need to take it easy. Allow the other nurses to do their job for a change."

She smiled at him. "They always do their job, as you well know. But I will take it easy."

He nodded, resignedly, and she left to see to her patients.