Chapter Thirteen

The start of a morning rain woke me. I lazily stretched my toes into the cool corners of the bedsheets. It was then I remembered and felt the presence of the warm body sleeping beside me. I froze in horror. I'd finally done it. I was "the other woman." Touching Javier and, in turn, being held by him had only worsened my situation: I knew wasn't ready to give him up again. And I didn't want to. But I still knew it wasn't my place to decide. I rolled over and faced the window, unable to watch the breath rise and fall out of him.

"Good morning, Beautiful," he said gently, kissing my shoulder. I didn't answer as I heard him slide his arm underneath his head to prop it up.

"I know you are awake," he teased, poking my back. Despite my best efforts, I felt tears rise.

"I am awake," I choked out. I hastily wiped at my eyes and rolled over. It was a losing battle; I can't hide anything from him.

"What is it? What…what did I do?" he asked, his arms gently slipping around me.

"I can't do this. I didn't want this to happen. I love you and it's not fair!" I cried petulantly.

"It's not fair to love me?" Javier asked skeptically.

"It's not fair that I have to give you up. I don't want to be 'the other woman.' I want to be the woman." I looked up at him as I said this. His warm eyes were filled with love and pride.

"I am glad I am so persuasive," Javier said mischievously. I rolled my eyes and he laughed. "Then let's go away from here."

"No. You have a family. You said you did not want to be like your brother, once. You would be no better than he if you were to leave them."

"Katey, I told you. Isabel does not care," he said in a firmly rolling accent. "She sleeps with other men and tells me she hates me. I would not care, but she say--she say she does not love Hector, either," Javier said quietly, as though the child might hear even now.

"But…he's her son!" Javier's words were astounding. Could a woman truely resent her own child?

"To her, he is everything that keeps her here. She must love him…but I think she hates that she loves him, perhaps? Because of him, she does not leave. But I wish she would."

"Don't," I said, reaching up to touch the scruffy hair framing his face. She had made him so bitter. She wasn't the only one who was trapped—he was trapped, too.

"If you leave me, I have no hope," Javier murmured, kissing my forehead. I sighed. Again with this argument.

"I am coming back. I am not leaving," I replied tiredly. "I will go whether you want me to or not. And I will return."

Javier sighed and we lay in silence, listening to the rain against the windows.

"I'll miss you," he said finally. I paused a moment, taking time to note the warmth radiating from where my skin touched his. I'd missed him.

"I will come back," I said firmly, taking his face in my hands and giving him a persistent kiss. As the kiss deepened, I realized that things could never go back. Not like they were before. I wanted him to hold me forever.

Sunday became our day. Friday evening I ate dinner with their family and had Saturday to myself, as I so often had the many other days of the week. But Sunday, rain or shine, Javier would come after suppertime. Sometimes we made love, other times it was enough to be in the other's company. I felt a sense of guilty pleasure whenever he touched me. The stupidly horrifying question that plagued me was what would my mother say if she knew? But finally…I didn't care.

On the appointed day of departure, Javier and Hector came to see me off. They stood on the pier: Javier waving morosely, Hector gurgling innocently. I blew them a kiss, then quickly headed below to wipe away my tears. I refused to stand on the deck and watch them shrink into nothing. That wasn't a memory I wanted to keep.

The sailors were obliging as long as I stayed out of their way. I had a small suitcase that consequently contained most of my possessions, stowed away in the cargo area below. The trip to Puerto Rico felt like it took eons. I didn't have time to get seasick—I was too haunted by the hopeless look on Javier's face as I had stepped onto the gangplank.

"I will come back," I whispered reassuringly to myself.

My family greeted me warmly at the pier, and didn't even look twice at the small ship I had arrived on. It was due to return me in five days, exactly two days after Susie's wedding.

Susie played the role of beautiful blushing bride well. Derek stood at the front of the church, looking fit to burst. I felt my heart warm with joy for Susie as she took Derek's hand and gazed into his eyes with excitement. She reveled in the attention lavished on her, as she well deserved. The entire ceremony and reception went without a hitch, which actually didn't surprise me since I knew that Mama had taken charge of most of the proceedings.

And yet, as I had watched the proceedings, part of me felt envious: I saw the look in their eyes that Javier and I had so often shared. But I reminded myself that it was enough to be returning to him soon. It had to be enough.

Mama and Daddy and I went to dinner and dancing clubs and tried to forget that everything had changed. But I couldn't forget. Little Susie was married and I was having an affair in Cuba. No, things weren't the same at all. Mama only mentioned the "dreaded island" once.

"Where are you living?" she asked one evening as we sat down to dinner.

"I bought a house on the coast. It's really lovely," I said warmly, thinking of the large villa I had come to regard as home.

"And how is Javier?" Daddy asked, taking a bite of roasted chicken. I knew that there was another question that plagued them more than my address: were Javier and I together?

"He's…very well. He got a job in a local hospital, actually. Not a nurse…more of an orderly. It pays well enough and keeps him occupied," I said, trying to keep my voice nonchalant.

"And you and he are…" Mama let her question trail off and waved her fork around, as though trying to conjure up the rest of her sentence.

"It's…more complicated than I anticipated," I said, glancing down at my plate. A picture of young Hector grinning up at his father flashed through my mind; I suddenly had no appetite. My parents remained silent, waiting for me to continue.

"He…has a child," I said. The words sounded strange even to me. He had a child and it wasn't mine. "Things are…different there. A girl...Isabel...showed up pregnant and so…here we are."

"And the baby?" Daddy asked gently.

"A little boy, Hector. He's so beautiful. I can't…I can't take away their chance at a family."

Mama exhaled. She must have been holding her breath the past minute and a half.

"Dear, I'm so sorry. Maybe, then…maybe it's time for you to come home," she said hopefully, and reached across the table to pat my hand. I watched her movements mutely.

Home? Back here with the noise and crowds? Where I'd be faced with people trying to set me up on dates, determined not to see me be an "old maid?" Home was Cuba with its open air, and unassuming charm. It took me as I was and no one questioned it. For all the opportunities America offered, it didn't offer me complete freedom. Freedom is love. Love is Javier.

"This isn't home anymore," I said softly. I raised my eyes to meet the astonished faces of Mama and Daddy. "Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco. I left my home in Havana."

"If that's how you really feel, kiddo…" Daddy finally said.

"I'm sorry, but it is. I love it there. I feel free to write and be me. I miss you guys, but…a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," I said, a smile inching across my features. Mama didn't meet my eyes but instead took a few quiet bites of supper. She was hurt now, but she'd pull herself together and get over it. She still had Susie and Derek. Perhaps one day Javier and I would be back. But not until we could be together, of that much I was certain.

"Senorita," a voice called me from above. "We pull into port now. Will you wait?" Stupidly, I nodded before finding my voice.

"Si," I answered back cautiously. I was to wait until they had unloaded most of the cargo onto the pier. It was then that I would be able to best slip away unnoticed, in the bustle of activity. I stood beside the stairs, clutching my suitcase tightly. The men came down and began lifting boxes. Many gave me encouraging winks or nods and I returned their favors with a taut smile. After I'd seen the same man ascend the steps three times, I quickly ducked behind one of the crewmen and followed him out. Just as planned, I kept in line with them and skittered along the port, ducking behind the cargo. There was never any real danger, but I allowed myself to excite over the possibility. The adrenaline caused my head to practically swim as I darted along. Before I knew it, I was back in town, with familiar shopkeepers nodding at me in greeting. Thrilled to be home, I ran along the streets, taking corners sharply and acting positively giddy over what I considered to be one of my more daring accomplishments. Obviously, I lived a sheltered life.

The familiar gate soon loomed before me. I slipped my hand through the bars and pulled at the latch expertly from the opposite side. It creaked and clanged as I threw it open and leapt up to the front door. I grinned to myself, thinking of Javier in his despondency. He was so sure I would not return. Though he loved and trusted me, I know that the dark cloud Isabel hung over him, draining his hope. I would feel it each Sunday he came to me, the desperation in his touch and the disquiet in his eyes. After awhile, the look would be erased and he would return to the laughing, loving Javier I knew. But I could always count on her presence taking its toll on him so that he might return on Sunday just as he had before.

I knocked resolutely, practically jumping in place. No answer. My spirits unchanged, I knocked again, this time also calling out.

"Javier? Isabel? Hello?" I said, hoping to catch someone's attention. Still no answer. Curious, my hand found the doorknob and I opened it tentatively. The wood swung open to reveal the hall and rooms I knew as well as my own.

"Hello? Anyone home?" I called out, shutting the door behind me. I peered into the kitchen, expecting to see Isabel scrubbing at the floor or rolling dough on the table. Empty. As was each room I ventured into. Empty. Empty. Empty.

"Where is everyone?" I asked, fear clutching my heart. I stared into Javier & Isabel's room. This wasn't right. It was too late for Isabel to be at the market…Javier most likely was at work, but even he was home usually this late in the afternoon. And Hector…he must be with Isabel, wherever she is…right?

A thought struck me with terror and I bit my lip. I weakly made it to the bed and sat down wishing that my worst fears were nowhere near accurate. I curled up on the bed, realizing my exhaustion and tried to push the thoughts of out my mind.

In all of Javier's protests of my leaving him forever, it hadn't occurred to me he could take the opportunity to do the same.