Better Than Drugs
dreamgirl: If I don't update one of these days, it's probably 'cause I'm dead. For the past 3 days now, I've been going to sleep at 5 in the morning and getting up at 10 or 12. I bring this to you while half asleep and puffy red eyes because I just finished reading Tokyo Babylon this morning and I finished watching X/1999 this morning too, and I freakin' CRIED!!! Whatever, screw CLAMP and it's angst!!
disclaimer: Okay, I may not hate CLAMP, but I'm not angsty so I can't possibly be okay with everything they write!! Anyway, I don't own any of this angsty shyt (spelled wrong on purpose). "Better Than Drugs" is own by Skillet.
ENJOY!!!
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
The Tsubasa group had arrived in Infinity and were now playing a game of "human chess". Like their lives a couple of days before, it was full of gore and emotional pain. Fai felt most of this pain. As a vampire, Fai would have to live solely on blood and that was difficult to ignore. He shared a room with Kurogane and Syaoran, since he can only drink from the ninja; he kept seeing the inviting pulse, hearing the warm blood swishing through him. That blood would save him from his internal misery, but he wouldn't give in.
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain
How can I tell you just all that you are?
What you do to me?
Kurogane was Fai's escape from the terrible reality of what he had become, but he couldn't allow Kurogane to get close to him again for it was also too painful. He had just recently taken up drinking alcohol instead of blood because he couldn't bear the fact that if he drank from the shinobi, things might heat up and his walls will break down once again. The ex-mage looked never looked him in the eye, afraid that it would numb his pain and cause him to fall for those garnet eyes once more. How could the vampire let the other know that it wasn't personal, that he did care for him just that he couldn't anymore?
You're better than drugs
Your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
Fai had always wondered what drugs were like. Even in Celes, he saw people in depressing situations and picked a needle or two. He was never one to try, but he knew that drinking blood would be just as good. The love that he wished for had been given to him, and it was better than the wine he was drinking. A certain somebody could get him high in a matter of seconds, could make him forget his own name and how to walk.
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
Kurogane had sent Syaoran away for the night, and Fai didn't like that. He was afraid of being alone with the ninja. Afraid that he might do something he regretted. Kurogane slashed open his wrist, "You should drink". The vamp refused turning away. The blonde could hear the blood swishing free, "It'll go to waste if you don't drink". It tempted him to no end, 'Screw it', the ex-mage thought. He grabbed the taller man's wrist and began to suck. Oh, this was the first time he's drank blood since becoming a vampire, and God, was it luscious. Fai knew he would be addicted for life.
Feel you when I'm restless
Feel you when I cannot cope
You're my addiction, my prescription
My antidote
After the first feeding, the two went back to their normal lives (how it was after Tokyo) and they avoided each other like nothing had happened. Fai still had insomnia and couldn't cope with all of the emotions he was feeling at once. Kurogane was a drug, a poison. Yet, he was something the blonde needed and was the only antidote to the same poison.
You kill the poison
Ease the suffering
Calm the rage when I'm afraid
To feel again
How can I tell you just all that you are?
What you do to me?
As Fai so well learned before, Kurogane was something bad and yet so good. He could be dangerous, yet tender. He was the antidote to the poison that he himself was. He was the only one who could ease Fai's pain and calm the rage that built up in the small man. Everything the ninja did, got to the ex-mage, but Fai couldn't let his guard down. He wasn't some cold-hearted bastard, he was just selfish. At least, that's what he thought of himself. He didn't want to get hurt, and he didn't want other people to get hurt either. Especially not those he loved.
You're better than drugs
Your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
Fai was half-drunk when Kurogane found him writing on a piece of paper and singing to himself. "Oi, what the hell are you doing up? Are you drinking MY sake bottle!?" The ninja nudged him to make sure he was alright, "Mage, get up!" Fai wasn't exactly aware of what was going on but he kept on writing what he believed was a song. It was a miracle he could even think of lyrics and write at the same time. 'Your love is like wine'. He wrote while thinking of the man who was poking him.
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
Kurogane was getting tired of trying to get the blonde's attention and thought, 'Well, he IS about 75% drunk, I might as well'. The ninja grabbed the paper out of Fai's hands and as the vamp's head tilted up, Kurogane grabbed his chin with the other hand and kissed him hard. The kiss itself lasted a good 15 seconds, but to Fai, it was an eternity. Oh, how he missed to be kissed like that. But…WAIT!! He shouldn't BE kissing his ex-friend. He should be at least 50 feet away from the ninja, not right next to him and WRITING about him!! But he was so addicting that he gave in to his carnal needs.
How can I tell you just all that you are?
What you do to me?
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
You're the strength of my life
While the tempting began, Fai reminisced of the times when he used to get up in the middle of the night from nightmares. Kurogane was always there to help him get through it, and eventually, the nightmares went away. Now, the fair-haired man could literally feel the brunette's heart beat and loved the way he felt under his lover's well-toned body.
You're better than drugs
Your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
'No!! This can't be happening, how could I have done this?' Fai was in a mental tug of war. One side damned him for sleeping with the very same man that he swore he would never talk to. While the other gladly welcome what was given and looked on the bright side. There was no bright side. They had done it on the floor; right where the others could see them if they were awake. Kurogane's arms were currently wrapped around Fai when the vamp said, "Get the hell off of me". The ninja complied, got dressed and got up to leave, "Don't worry, nothing will change. I'll stay out of your life…until you want me back in". Fai couldn't tell if Kurogane was sorrowful, pained or vexed, but he knew that the ninja had a clear comprehension of the situation. If they were to have sex, it would be known as a mere past time and nothing more. They would be each other's boy toy, but not a lover.
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high
It hurt Fai deeply knowing that whenever the two would have sex, it was jus sex. He could call it "making love" because he didn't know if Kurogane still loved him or not. Not knowing something is worse than knowing the horrible truth. 'Maybe this is how Kurogane has felt all along, not knowing the real me, not knowing what I was thinking. I really am a selfish bastard', the blonde thought. It had been over three days since the last time they slept together, and Fai found the song he had been writing before Kurogane stole it from him. He began to finish it, 'You're better than drugs, addicted for life'. Loveless sex is the worst form of love a person could have. And right now, Fai was on the verge of breaking into pieces that could never be able to be put back together.
Feel you're every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high (2x)
To get me high
dreamgirl: I think I'm emo....O_O LOL JK JK, I know I'm not emo, I don't cut myself and unlike Fai, I value my life. Anyway, CLAMP is depressingly awesome and if Fai and/or Kurogane die...So help me God I'm gonna march down to Japan and do something illegal to the ones who did that!! It's not a threat...it's a promise!! LOL I'm joking again! But I'm serious, this pairing is too good to suffer. Now that I'm done ranting, PLEASE REVIEW!!!