KOTOR 2 FTW!

Disclaimer: if you think I own something from Star Wars you are FUCKING moron.

N/A: once again, if you haven't played Kotor 2, you fail at everything. It's as simple as that.

AXILE (Exile and Atton Rand)

So now I've got to talk about this shit huh? Alright fine let's get this mound of turd over with. So the exile (SHE IS A GIRL, YOU DUMB FUCKING FANBOYS, AND ITS CANON BITCH!) is the guinea pig of some overcomplicated subplot that's so complicated it's mind boggling, so I'm gonna try and break this shit down for you here. You see, the Exile was once a jedi, then when Revan went to war against the mandalorians for no real reason (then gain the mandalorians were attacking for no reason too, but whatever) she followed for no reason, won a few battles and also became a lesbian (don't ask). Then it turns out she's got this ability to create force bonds with people for no real reason, so when on Malachor V everyone dies because Bao-Dur pressed the wrong button, all the force bonds snap and the exile cuts herself off from the force for no reason. Then she goes back to the jedi council for no reason, gets ground into the dirt then stabs her lightsaber into the monolith that is their for no reason and the jedi council decide not to tell her the truth, also for no reason. See what I mean? None of this makes any sense at all.

Anyway, so then Revan attacks for no reason, gets betrayed by Malak, gets freaky fridayed, gets his memory back then owns Malak, victory dance, and then he leaves for no reason. So then five years later, the exile is somehow on the ebon hawk, which just got owned by a sith cruiser. Then T3 saves the day by performing some pointless tutorial with some disembodied voice called Gladus. So then she wakes up on Peragus and has to solve this murder mystery that was obviously not carried out by the random droid that looks suspiciously like Hk-47 who is not at all an assassin droid, in her underwear. So then she meets Atton Rand who's in a cell for a reason that's never really explained, but whatever I guess. So then they get to know each other and all that, and while the Exile is away fighting robots in her underwear, Atton just sits around for no reason and jacks off to the exile naked. So then some more shit happens, he meets Kreia and then they escape from Sion and all that shit. So then they go yahooing around the galaxy, save a few people, has sex with the exile in the bathroom, and they fall in love. Oh, and it turns out Atton was an axe murderer like five years ago, can't forget that.

MEXILE (Mical and the Exile)

So the Exile traveled around the galaxy trying to save the last jedi for no reason whatsoever, okay maybe she saved Kavar so they could fuck in the bathroom but that's beside the point. The real point here is, when the exile goes to SHITTIFIED Dantooine to look for Ass-Face Lamar they go into the jedi enclave which is fucked up beyond recognition . . . well not really I just wanted to say that but still. Anyway they find this guy named Mical in the library or something, which makes absolutely no sense. First off, if Mical was able to get to that section of the enclave and he somehow was able to sneak past like three thousand laigreks, then how was he unable to fight like six laigreks and escape. Instead the exile has to swoop in and save his pansy ass. GROW SOME BALLS MAN! Then Mical joins the party for absolutely no reason, and I really don't care. Then Atton kicks his ass when the exile isn't looking, like an abusive father. The ebon hawk has way too many problems.

Mical's character makes absolutely no sense, if the guy's a so called historian then how the fuck does he know how to use every weapon in existence, not even a jedi can do that. So how the fuck does he know how to use a mandalorian blaster rifle. This makes no sense. Also, Atton is just better overall. Mical is a fucking PUSSY! The asshole's blonde good looks remind me of a Nazi Soldier. Also, why does he sound British, their's no Earth in the star wars galaxy, so where the hell did the Brits come in. also, it says that he was once a jedi but he dropped out because the exile wouldn't teach, GET OVER YOURSELF YOU DAMN PUSSY, WHAT ARE YOU, RELATED TO ANAKIN SKYWALKER? Oh . . . wait. . . SHIT!

VILUS (Visas Marr and Darth Nihilus)

I'm going to be honest with you guys, while I realize this entire ship is implausible, impossible, and just plain weird I have to say this. THIS SHIP IS THE GREATEST SHIP EVAH! I'm not kidding, this is one of the very few ships I actually enjoy to read about, and it's so AWESOME! The downside is no one writes the damn stuff. I'm literally the only person I've ever met who writes VILUS. Everyone else is too busy bouncing on Revan's dick or licking Bastila's pussy or whatever. And don't any of you fuckheads tell me Visas belongs to the Exile because if you think that, then you just fail at everything. Screw the Exile and Visas ship; it's a bunch of bullshit considering the Exile ain't even male. Besides the Exile's into older chicks, in fact last week she screwed Kreia in the cargo hold. Oh . . . oh shit . . . DAMMIT, THE VISIONS! FUCKING SHIT.

Seriously though, Nihilus was once some jedi guy who joined Revan in the war against the Mandalorians. He won every single battle because his awesomeness was so awesome. Unfortunately, every one of his friends died in the war so he slowly went down the path of emo . . . I mean the dark side, right. Anyway he was on Malachor V when Bao-Dur somehow managed to kill millions of people including the Republic's own troops. Nihilus, however, in his awesomeness survived and took on a dark persona. So then Kreia finds him, trains him and all that until Nihilus and Sion beat her saggy old ass and throw her out. See, Nihilus had an addiction to force crack, so he traveled the galaxy and killed several dozen jedi gangsters that refused to hand the stuff over. Sion just killed people for no reason, so whatever. Then Nihilus somehow the destroyed the surface of Katarr and was only one survivor: Visas. So then they start dating, but then Visas runs away and then brings back the exile and they beat Nihlus' ass. That was complete bullshit by the way, but that's George Lucas for you.

SEXILE ( Darth Sion and Exile)

So now I have to explain who the hell Sion is. Basically Sion is this guy who got killed but then rose from dead and is now pretty much invincible; every time he dies he usually just comes back to life. Now why the fuck the Exile would get together with Sion of all people is beyond me. This guy's obviously never heard of band aids because he got like a thousand wounds just sticking out. I hope you all realize those are probably infected by now, and he's probably got like a few thousand STDs swimming around in their. I can sympathize though, when you're an ugly zombie whose dick has long fallen off due to being castrated so many times, you'd be desperate to. Atleast Nihilus is really tall, has a cool mask, sweet force powers, and his own fleet, Sion doesn't have shit.

Also, we have to consider the fact that Sion is basically Kriea's man whore. The guy hears her name in his head for Christ's sake. He also sucks at doing stuff, for instance he visited Nihilus' ship when Visas was away from the Ravager and Nihilus was super depressed. So he went and tried to make Nihilus feel better, instead he accidently threw up into the ship reactor and almost incinerated the entire ship. You see what I mean; this guy's a walking disaster, which is probably why he died so many times. It makes sense if you think about it, or maybe those are just scars form Kreia's twisted version of what she considers to be safe sex . . . AHHH THE IMAGES!

BREXILE (Brianna and Exile)

Brianna is extremely hot, and that's the truth. It's weird, she's hot but she wears all white clothing and lives on a snowy plateau so go figure. You'd think she'd show off a bit more, but I guess living in the same building with Atris for years does that to your self esteem. This all mysteriously changed when she joined the party and willing stripped own to like nearly nothing to "spar" with the exile. Oh come on, this women's more of a cock tease than Bastila was to Revan, are you people insane. Also, she's something like the daughter of something Kai so she's a jedi too, ain't that convenient. She's also an Echani, meaning she follows this kinda weird thing were you can predict movements in battle or some shit. I don't know, the point is she's a freakin cock tease, problem is she only joins your party if your MALE, which is absolute bullshit you fuckers.

This is fucking BULLSHIT, if the exile is a female we should still get Brianna, know why? Because the Exile was a lesbian, why would a lesbian fuck Mical when you've got Atton and Mandalore only a few feet away from each other. I'm pretty sure with Brianna being as naïve as she is she'd have sex with the exile and become a lesbian because lesbianism is just flat out badass. I mean it's not like it's going to be a surprise to anyone on the ship, when so many different people have sex in the dormitories every second of the day. Hell, T3 abuses HK their relationship, that's how fucked up this entire ship is. It goes from YAOI, to HET, to FEMMSLASH all in like three seconds. All I'm saying I guess is that you people have serious fucking problems.