A/N Goddamn, I have stupid writer's block that is not permitting me to write anything other than this chapter. Writer's block works in mysterious ways, I know. So please forgive me for giving you this instead of the next chapter of Stony All The Way. Half of you probably don't care either way but . . . wow.
I just made myself sad with the thought that none of you actually care about this story and that you have more important things to do, you know, in real life. Fresh air, remember that? Anyway, I'll perk up once I get some reviews :3
Uh, let's see, this one is Clintasha/Coulson, Stony and Thorki, and it involves sexting. Nothing explicit, though. (Read that in an apologetic tone if you wish).
Chapter Thirteen
Clint: [PXT]
Natasha: . . .
Natasha: ARGH! CLINT WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO SEND SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME!
Natasha: GOD CLINT MY EYES! WHY WHY WHY!
Clint: What's wrong? This is Nat right?
Natasha: No, it's Bruce! Bruce Banner, you know, your friend? Your VERY STRAIGHT friend who does not appreciate photos of your dick, thankyou very much!
Clint: . . . Oh. My. God.
Clint: I mixed up your numbers
Clint: How did I mix up your numbers – I was just texting Nat like I usually do. This is the number that is listed under her name.
Natasha: Ask Stark about it, I'm busy trying to make an effective brain bleach.
Clint: Ah, ok. I'm super sorry, Bruce, ol' buddy ol' pal. That was not intended for you.
Natasha: I figured. I feel violated though, I mean, you sexted me.
Clint: Won't happen again, I SWEAR. Let's forget this ever happened ok? Going to talk to Stark, brb.
Clint: Tony! Need your help with something.
Tony: Friend Clint, I would be most honoured to help with what ails you.
Clint: Tony? You sound like Thor.
Clint: Wait is this Thor
Tony: How did you know! And yes, 'tis I.
Clint: Seriously? I'm trying to get a hold of Tony. Something's wrong with my phone, my contacts are all mixed up. I wonder who I'll get if I text the number under YOUR name.
Tony: Do your contacts often get mixed up – for this may be the work of my brother.
Clint: Hmm, you could be right. This hasn't happened before. And your brother has only just joined the Avengers.
Clint: Coincidence? I think not. Thanks anyway, Thor.
Tony: You are most welcome, I am glad to have assisted with what ails you.
Tony: . . . I crave ale.
Loki: [PXT]
Tony: Holy. Mother. Of. Jesus.
Tony: 0.o
Loki: Tony?
Tony: Please call and leave a message, Tony is currently blind.
Loki: I'm sorry! You like technology, and I heard of this . . . "sexting" thing . . . it's my first time . . . sorry
Tony: . . . Steve?
Loki: Yeah?
Tony: Oh WOW my phone was telling me that that picture was from Loki.
Tony: Nice picture btw ;)
Loki: So, I'm not doing this wrong.
Tony: No, no, no. I just love you even more for that, but I was feeling a little . . . sick because I assumed it was a picture of LOKI.
Loki: Gosh.
Loki: I'm sorry that I freaked you out there. But why did my number come up with Loki's name?
Tony: No idea, hold on one moment.
Loki: . . .
Tony: Huh. I checked my contacts, and everything looks right. Wtf.
Loki: Are you sure my number is correct? Why don't you try texting the number under my name?
Tony: Ok. Two seconds, Clint's texting me.
Clint: Uh, Bruce?
Tony: Guess again.
Clint: Tony?
Tony: What can I do for you?
Clint: Oh thank God, I am sick of texting the wrong person.
Tony: Your contacts all mixed up?
Clint: It was YOU!
Tony: No, I have the same problem.
Tony: Loki sexted me just now.
Tony: Only it wasn't Loki, it was Steve, thank god.
Clint: Really? I sexted Natasha just now.
Clint: Only it wasn't Natasha.
Tony: LMFAO what was it of and who'd you send it to?
Clint: What do you think and Bruce.
Tony: OMFG!
Clint: Yeah, I found it utterly hilarious -.-
Clint: So can you fix this? Thor reckons it might be Loki's doing.
Tony: It could be, since there is nothing visibly wrong with my contacts. Oh, wait; I was going to text Steve's number. Brb.
Tony: Hey, babe.
Steve: ?
Tony: You up for some "fonduing" tonight?
Steve: . . . I presume that you are assuming that this is your Captain.
Tony: . . . Not Steve then. Ok. Loki?
Steve: Yes.
Tony: Knew it. Have you swapped everyone's numbers around?
Steve: And what if I have?
Tony: You have, haven't you? Using your fairy dust.
Steve: Do not refer to my magic as sprite particles.
Tony: Magic, whatever. Sort this out ok? Clint's already sexted Bruce, and you sexted me, only it wasn't you it was Steve, but it freaked me out and I almost went blind.
Loki: Ehehehehehehe and has Thor been caught up in this chaos of late?
Tony: Uh, not that I know of. And I don't like you laughing at my pain.
Loki: Hmm. Well, my apologies Stark but there is nothing I can do.
Tony: Wait is this revenge on the team for something or revenge on Thor?
Loki: Both.
Tony: Can I ask why? Because I still have to text Clint and Steve back and I don't want to end up texting Agent Coulson. Or God forbid Nick Fury.
Loki: It is a private matter between Thor and I.
Tony: Ok, I'll go ask him then.
Loki: Ehehehehehe.
Loki: How can you be sure who you are texting?
Tony: I'll take a lucky guess. We are not finished with this, ok? Brb.
Natasha: Hey, just to let you know, Clint and I will be waiting for you in the shower tonight ;) Don't work too hard today, ok babe? xx
Phil Coulson: . . .
Phil Coulson: . . . ROMANOFF! You clearly have the wrong number.
Natasha: Um, ISN'T this Phil? Phil Coulson?
Phil Coulson: I think I know who Agent Coulson is, Romanoff.
Natasha: Oh hell, director Fury?!
Phil Coulson: Yes, and what has been seen cannot be unseen.
Natasha: Ah, crap. I am dreadfully sorry, sir, it appears I have mixed up your numbers. Just delete what I said and we can pretend this never happened.
Phil Coulson: Actually, I am rather interested. Not in what you have planned for Coulson tonight – believe me, I did not need the details – but the fact that you neglected to inform me of the fact that you, Barton and Coulson are together in the first place?
Natasha: Well, we're together sir. Clint, Phil and I are lovers.
Phil Coulson: We'll bring this up in our next meeting.
Natasha: Um . . . the shower or
Phil Coulson: YOUR RELATIONSHIP! I don't EVER want to read anything like that EVER again, is that understood, miss Romanoff?
Natasha: Yes, sir, my apologies sir. I'll chase Tony up on this – technology is his thing, he'll sort my phone out.
Phil Coulson: You see to that. Please. Deleting this conversation now.
Natasha: TONY!
Tony: Aye, this is actually Thor.
Natasha: Not again!
Tony: Are you having troubles with your mobile phone contacts?
Natasha: How did you know?
Tony: Clint came to me with the same complication! He too thought that I was the man of iron.
Tony: I am not.
Natasha: Yes, I realised. So I'm not the only one, hmm.
Tony: I suggested to friend Clint that Loki's frustration may be the cause of his phone troubles, rather than a technological problem.
Natasha: Why would Loki be frustrated? I thought you guys were going well?
Tony: Aye, but Loki did not take it too kindly when I chose to go out with you and the others, rather than stay home to copulate with him.
Natasha: Um, ok. And this is his idea of revenge? Messing up our numbers?
Tony: It appears so.
Natasha: Can't you talk to Loki? And well, appease him?
Tony: Sometimes I must treat Loki like a stubborn child. I cannot simply give him what he wants every time he becomes angered.
Natasha: I'll talk to him then. Because he owes me for a too intimate conversation with Fury.
Tony: May I query what occurred?
Natasha: I'd rather you didn't. I'm trying my hardest to forget.
Natasha: Huh, Bruce is texting me. Bye.
Natasha: What's up Bruce?
Bruce: Uh, this isn't Bruce. And you don't sound like Thor.
Natasha: I was just talking to Thor. This is Natasha. His number kept coming up as Tony's.
Bruce: And now mine's come up as Bruce's?
Natasha: Tony?
Bruce: Yep.
Bruce: Clint has the same problem. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this.
Bruce: Something's going on between Thor and Loki, but Loki is a stubborn shit so I was trying to get a hold of his brother, lover, whatever.
Natasha: Doesn't matter, Thor told me anyway. The deal is that Thor chose the team over Loki so now Loki is messing with us. As revenge.
Bruce: If Loki's that mad about it, why doesn't Thor just put out?
Natasha: Something about having to treat Loki like a child and not giving him what he wants every time he gets in one of his moods.
Bruce: lol Thor's not putting out.
Bruce: But seriously, that's all that's bothering him? He is a child. This has got to stop, too many traumatising things have happened already.
Natasha: You too?
Bruce: And Barton. Don't ask.
Natasha: I won't if you won't
Bruce: It's a deal
Tony: Hey, Clint?
Clint: This is Clint. Is this Tony?
Tony: Yeah
Clint: Good, you can't be too careful these days, what with these phone shenanigans.
Tony: Actually, I got to the bottom of it with help from Natasha (and none from Loki) and found out that Thor didn't put out for Loki, instead he came out with us, remember last week? Well, Loki's still steamed and this is his idea of revenge.
Clint: Better than him trying to take over Earth.
Clint: But at least then I didn't send pictures of my dick to Bruce.
Tony: Ha. Anyway, you might want to talk to Natasha. I think something happened with her too. And you also need to explain YOUR mishap because it'll be better coming from you rather than Bruce. You do that, and I'll talk to Steve.
Clint: Oh god. Natasha too? Before all this we were discussing our plans for when Phil gets home tonight!
Tony: Wow. I wonder who she sent said plans to?
Clint: I feel mildly trepidatious. But I have to know. *Sigh* talk to you later, ok? I'll get Phil to organise a team meeting so we can make Loki put things right.
Tony: Is that the only thing you're going to get Phil to do?
Tony: Heh-heh.
Clint: . . .
Tony: . . . innuendo backfire, I just grossed myself out.
Clint: -.-
Tony: Steve, my boy, is this you?
Loki: No, this is Phil Coulson.
Tony: Wtf this was Steve not that long ago.
Loki: I'm kidding, Tony, it's me.
Loki: Steve.
Tony: Well now I don't believe you.
Tony: So prove it.
Loki: Ok, um, well, you were the first person I've ever had fondue with.
Loki: And by fondue I mean, "fondue".
Loki: And by "fondue" I mean, well.
Tony: Hm, no I'll need more proof.
Loki: . . .
Loki: [PXT]
Tony: . . .
Tony: *drools*
Tony: You're going to have to prove that you know how to use that. Anyway, time for that later. I have news; Loki did this because he's annoyed that Thor didn't put out last week.
Tony: And by put out I mean "fondue".
Loki: I get it Tony. You're making fun of me. You'll pay for that later.
Tony: . . .
Tony: Looking forward to it ;)
Loki: Anyway, can't Thor just tell Loki to knock it off?
Tony: Or, you know, put out.
Loki: Oh, I didn't think of that.
Tony: We've been together for years and you are still pure
Tony: I'm not doing my job right. And you'd think so, but no. Loki's stubborn – he just wants Thor to appease him and he'll stop, but then Thor is also stubborn, and doesn't want to give Loki what he wants every time he makes a fuss.
Loki: . . . so they're like, brothers, lovers and father and son. That's taking incest a little too far.
Tony: Loki's adopted, apparently it doesn't count.
Tony: Clint told me he'll get Phil to call a team meeting so we can talk to Loki face-to-face and get him to change everything back to the way it was.
Loki: . . . or Thor could put out.
Tony: Aw, I'm rubbing off on you.
Tony: I'll go tell Thor his options – put out or drag Loki kicking and screaming to a team meeting.
Loki: Um, ok. I miss you, by the way.
Tony: Awwww I miss you too baby. But daddy has all this to sort out; while at the same time have Aunty Pepper drag him around Stark Enterprises meeting people. Be good for daddy while I'm gone, ok?
Loki: . . . the incest kink actually works. Hurry home.
Clint: Bruce?
Natasha: Yes, Clint?
Clint: I've spoken to almost everyone, and apparently Thor didn't sleep with Loki last week – instead he came out with us – and Loki's pissed because of it. So this number changing thing is his revenge.
Natasha: And how do we stop it?
Clint: Thor could put out, but hopefully Phil will organise a team meeting so we can tie Loki to a chair and force feed him a sock until he changes our numbers back.
Natasha: . . .
Clint: It was just an idea
Natasha: I'll talk to Thor. Man to man, you know?
Clint: Yeah, ok.
Clint: . . . wait, are you implying you're more manly than me?
Clint: Bruce?
Clint: :(
Bruce: Hey, Thor? This is Bruce.
Thor: And this is Natasha. Use the number you have for Tony, it seems to be Thor's.
Bruce: 'K, just trying to contact him to convince him to talk to Loki.
Thor: Good luck with that.
Thor: Also, Clint told me what happened. I'm so very sorry.
Bruce: Sure you are. I bet you just wanted to have seen my reaction when I opened up Clint's picture.
Bruce: You know, this whole thing is creating trust issues within the group.
Thor: Tell that to Thor, it might convince him. Give him a speech on teamwork or some BS.
Thor: Also, I really am sorry, because seeing a picture of Clint's dick when one is not in a relationship with Clint can be a traumatising experience.
Thor: I would know, we used that to scare new agents.
Thor: Anyhow, you have some persuading to do. If it doesn't work, let me know. You use your words, and I'll use . . . my special skill set. On Loki.
Bruce: The latter may not be the best idea, let me just say. Talk to you later.
Thor: See ya, babe xx
Bruce: . . .
Bruce: That looks so odd under Thor's name.
Bruce: Thor, we need to talk.
Tony: Great, but wrong person.
Bruce: Oh lordy, Pepper?
Tony: Nope, it's me.
Tony: Stark.
Tony: Tony Stark.
Bruce: James Bond, very nice.
Bruce: Why is your number suddenly working again?
Tony: Heheheheh
Bruce: Thor slept with Loki?
Tony: Yep! He was sick of everyone hammering him (pun intended) with questions so he basically raped Loki. I say basically because even though Thor just suddenly stripped him and took him then and there, Loki did not protest.
Bruce: I think that that was more than I needed to know.
Bruce: And how do you know?
Tony: As soon as I stepped into the tower . . . I heard them.
Bruce: Say no more, I know from personal experience that the walls aren't exactly soundproof.
Bruce: Tony.
Tony: What?
Tony: . . .
Tony: Oh.
Bruce: Yah.
Tony: No actually, you're going to have to spell this one out for me.
Bruce: The walls aren't exactly soundproof, I know that from experience. Guess whose room is next to mine?
Tony: Mine and Steve's?
Tony: . . .
Tony: Oh. I'll work on that.
Bruce: Please, because I am sick of being jolted awake by the sound of one of you screaming out the other's name. Seriously. And I thought Thor was vocal.
Bruce: In general, not, you know, because I don't know, about . . . that.
Tony: . . .
Bruce: *ahem*
Clint: Well, look's like Loki got exactly what he wanted. Revenge and Thor. He's so spoiled.
Natasha: He always has the last laugh.
Phil Coulson: Makes sense, he's the God of Mischief.
Loki: . . .
Loki: [PXT]
Phil Coulson: . . .
Natasha: . . .
Clint: . . .
Phil Coulson: Holy . . .
Natasha: Mother . . .
Clint: Of fuck . . .
Loki: Ehehehehehe
A/N Loki is just so much fun to write, obviously he must always have the last laugh :D
PS: I have chapter fourteen completed already so if you want me to post it, don't you dare think about not reviewing.
I put this here not up there (um, in my first author's note I mean) because now it's fresh in your mind to R.E.V.I.E.W.
No? That's not good enough? Ok then here's a deal - if you want a million dollars as well as the next chapter, please review.