A/N: Me? Have a game!crush on Stefan? Neeeeveeeer.

Ike versus the Fourth Wall, Round Ten; or, Ike versus Badasses:

Lethe was unimpressed with these beorcs she'd been saddled with. On a scale from one to ten, they were all worthless; well, except for the redhead paladin. The two of them and Mordecai could probably take out the entire Daein army by themselves, and it really made her wonder how come they bothered with anyone else. Even worse, why send her, alone, into the corner of a desert? Yes she could easily handle the laguz who had taken up banditry, but she was clearly more impressive than any of the beorc, so why send her into the corner? All she'd been told was "Try stepping on a bunch of squares because something special will happen," but that didn't mean much, especially not coming from Ike. Ike was a moron, even more so than the others. Except Boyd. He was smarter than Boyd. Then again, so was everyone.

The corner of the desert was unimpressive and she vowed to herself that if Ike was messing with her, she would rip his face off. He wasn't racist, but that didn't mean he wasn't also an asshole.

There was someone behind her!

She spun quickly, but there was nothing but a patch of grass in the white desert sand. … A patch of grass that hadn't been there before. What the…

A head popped out of the sand, revealing that the grass had actually been a full head of spiky green hair. "Hello," the head said pleasantly, and the body attached to the head began to claw its way free.

No, not its. His. Very, very much his.

Lethe would have said something like oh goddess except that would have required breath, and she didn't have any. This was the single most attractive creature, beorc or laguz, she had ever laid eyes upon. He was like sex on two legs. And even better, he felt wrong to her, which made the idea of them being together even more alluring. The man shook a little, dislodging sand and moving in slow motion.

"I'm sorry to have surprised you," Mr. Sexy said, voice deep and suave. "It's just that I've never seen such an intriguing lady laguz such as yourself before."

Oh and he's polite! Ack – Lethe, say something scathing! "Who are you?" she demanded, although without half as much venom as she'd wanted to be in there.

He quirked an incredibly perfect eyebrow. "If you ask someone their name, isn't it polite to give your name first?"

She melted on the inside. Thank you, Ike.

Back where Ike had managed to make it six squares, he was frowning. "Tell me again why I sent her alone in the corner of the map?"

"Because according to the guide, there's a recruit-able character up there," replied Boyd, who was also stuck with Ike. "Don't ask me; it was Soren who suggested it."

"Oh look! Here comes someone!" Rolf cheered, pointing in their direction. "It's Lethe and… some guy!"

As the two came closer, it seemed like the world began moving slower. "I think I just lost my virginity," Mist murmured, looking incredibly impressed.

"I lost mine again, oh peanuts," Marcia giggled. Even her Pegasus looked awed.

Jill's wyvern landed hard, and her jaw dropped. "He's just as badass as Sir Haar," she breathed, looking a cross between giddy and in awe.

Soren ran back to them. "And there's my other support," he said, looking appreciative. "Very nice."

"Hey, why do you get all the hot studs to support with?" Marcia demanded of him. "All I get is Kieran, and we all know he's with Oscar." Oscar, Kieran and especially Gatrie (Marcia also supported with him) would have complained, but they weren't there because that would have involved them being able to move on the sand. "Unfair." Soren merely smirked and adjusted his long silky hair.

"I don't like this," said Ike. He had practically been covetously-painted envy-green with a jealousy-paintbrush. "Look at him, all… ten levels higher than most of us… and his… suaveness… and… Astra, oh goddess… and…"

"Dude," said Boyd, which was all he could say. "Dude."

"He's like me but better," Zihark breathed. "Ike, if you put me in the barracks and replace me with that guy, I wouldn't judge you for an instant."

By this point a lovelorn Lethe and the mysterious stranger had made it back to the army. "Well met," the man said pleasantly. Mist fainted. "My name is Stefan. I would be interested in joining your army so that I may further my pursuit of knowledge."

"He's an intellectual too," Soren whispered, fanning himself for reasons that had nothing to do with the desert heat. "Yes, yes please!"

Ike very much considered turning this guy down. He really did. "Okay, you can come – I mean, gah, you can, er, join – I mean you can ah, um. Yes. Welcome to the Greil Mercenaries."

A crow laguz descended from the north, attacking Stefan. Stefan could have one-shot it, but instead he activated Astra and beat its corpse to tiny little pieces without breaking a sweat. Which was doubly impressive, considering he was in the desert.

Mist fainted again. Lethe began purring.

"That's it," Ike muttered, sounding both insanely envious while also angry, "he's the last badass who gets to join." At Jill's despondent expression, he amended, "except Haar." She smiled, content to wait for that glorious day.

Volke merely smirked knowingly.