Don't own anything. RM does.

(AN: Don't hate me. Haha. This needed to be done. I know it's not something you wanted/expected (although maybe you were? ;)) but I have the direction in my mind for this story, and like I said; this needed to be done. Bare with me. And remember; Rose's been hurt and she lost so many people and when you're hurt - you do stupid things.

Love you all.

L.)

I tiptoed through the room in the Academy, grabbing my clothes that were in my way. I tried not to wake him. He looked so peaceful sleeping naked wrapped in the pile of white sheets. The late sun was still leaking through the small window. One of his arms was lying abandoned on the mattress – the same arm that was wrapped around my bare waist few seconds ago. I would love to stay here, in his warm bed, but I knew that nobody was supposed to see me when I'm leaving and… Well, I just shouldn't want to stay with him.

I waited for guilt to overwhelm me, but I felt nothing. Only some sort of weird happiness. I've never imagined my first time will be in the old academy room, while trying desperately to be quiet so no one would hear and suspect anything. I knew this was a one-time thing and it saddened me a bit. It was beautiful, so fulfilling and amazing; he was experienced but was willing to let me take control. His hands, his smell… That were things I will never be able to forget.

I almost laughed when I found my ripped panties. He was too turned on, so impatient for them to be gone, he needed to torn them of me. Founding my bra was actually a tad harder. I knew he tossed it somewhere, but I didn't know where. Finally I saw it on his desk, lying next to a blue bottle of aftershave.

I quickly picked up all of my clothes and dressed myself. I didn't have time to spend too much time fixing my appearance and I didn't actually believe anyone would see me while I'm returning to my own room. I went back to the desk and found some kind of notebook. Perfect. I ripped first blank page I saw, not very neatly, and took a pen that I saw lying there.

I knew what to write. It was a quote I've heard once before but it stayed memorized in my mind. I waited for the time to come when I'm going to use it. I knew he'll know what I meant when I was writing this.

I'll reveal you something (if you want to listen to me)

It is not important who it is – it's important that you love somebody.

I won't let you go killing love while hiding behind my name;

You need to be strong and just stay…

In time, just like it always does, your eyes will get used to the darkness.

I sent him one last look, admiring his beautiful figure and quietly close the doors behind me.

It was cowardly, yes. I should've waited at least for him to wake up, or I should've woken him up, but I didn't know what to say to him. Leaving crypt message was one, but actually staying and talking with him… No.

It's going to be hard enough to see him later this morning.

I used all of my ninja skills to get back in the safety of my room unnoticed. When I finally looked myself in the mirror I expected to look different. I just slept with someone; when I was listening to people talking about their first sex experience, I always thought they saw fireworks and were glowing afterwards but I was just the same as I was last night.

I closed my eyes. We shouldn't have done this. It was wrong. I should feel cheap and used and disgusting and… I just didn't. I liked it. I liked it a lot. Maybe I should've waited for a better timing, maybe I should have waited for a better person – I definitely should have done that. But I didn't regret it. Nothing of it.

Yesterday was Mason's funeral. We've just came back from Idaho two days ago. Dimitri and Tasha also came with us, they wanted to say goodbyes to him and us, and Dimitri needed to pack. The atmosphere between us was light, somewhat forced, but I knew I'll always have a friend in him. Someone who understands and yeah, sometimes judges, but he cares. He'll always care. As will I.

The chapel had been packed, with standing room only. Father Andrew talked about Mason and I felt a pang of judgment because he didn't even knew him that well. I spent the whole service standing rigidly, trying to avoid Mason's mother and anyone else who wanted to speak to me. I was finally being fine, life was finally getting back to normal, Lissa finally understood what happened between me and Christian and didn't pushed the subject ever again. Even the two of them had make up and I had to witness one of theirs encounters in the church attic yesterday. I wasn't too thrilled about that, but I've managed to pull myself out of her head before things became too hot and heavy.

And then, I was again reminded of all the shit that happened in Spokane just by coming at the funeral. My black dress felt heavy on me. It was the same dress Dimitri once took off from my body before his lips captured every part of my body. I even wore the same heels. The only thing that was missing was Victor's necklace. Not that I missed it that much.

Somewhere in the middle of the service, I started to feel lightheaded. I didn't want to cause too much of a commotion so I was extra careful to be quiet while I'm leaving the church. There were too many people and I felt like I was in Alcatraz or somewhere.

I sat down on the pavement on the side of the church. I put my head between my knees and try taking deep breaths.

"You couldn't be in there either?" Christian asked, sitting beside me.

"Too many people, too little air." I said through my teeth.

"I know the feeling." He sighed. "Are you okay? I haven't actually talked to you since we left the resort." He asked, turning to look at me.

I was still breathing heavily. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said, for some reason a bit touched by his concern. After all, he took everything even worse than I did. This funeral… it was probably pretty darn traumatic for him. And still, he's worried about how I'm doing.

"So, Dimitri is actually leaving." He said, trying to start a conversation.

"No kidding," I said. I look around the church garden. "We knew it for a while now."

"I know; I just always thought he'll change his mind and stay here for you or something." He explained.

I laughed hysterically. "We aren't characters in some kind of romance novel. This is real life."

"I know." He repeated once again.

"I'm sorry. I just…"

"You're apologizing again, Hathaway? What the hell's gotten into you?"

"Your fangs!" I snapped. He meant that in the friendly, jokingly way but I suddenly became so pissed off for no reason. It has been happening a lot; I had no idea why I was so mean towards him. Yeah, we've always fought before, but things changed now, right? I knew that is somewhat connected with Lissa's feelings. It had to be. I wasn't so snappy before. Yes, I was a bitch, but I could control myself when I wanted it.

When she and Christian talked yesterday, she became happy again and seeing her so happy made me happy. Although, my own feelings didn't stay so light for long. I became sad and angry almost the second after she became finally happy. I didn't understand the how or the why, but as long as she felt okay, it was fine with me. If that meant I will be depressed… Well, I could live with that.

Everyone has light around them, except for you.

Adrian's words slammed into my mind. Uneasily, I thought about my behavior these last couple of weeks. Some of the angry outbursts. My rebelliousness - unusual even for me. My own black coil of emotion, stirring in my chest...

"Christian, I'm sorry." I said, grabbing his hand when he rashly got up. "I didn't mean to say it."

He pulled his hand from mine and started walking away.

"Well, if you don't have anything smart to say, keep that big mouth of yours shut." He yelled over his shoulder before disappearing in the direction of his dorm.

The sun was almost up when the funeral ended. I needed to say my goodbyes to both Tasha and Dimitri and my mother. She kinda forgave me for my crazy mission in Spokane and we actually talked a little these days, which, for us, was a big progress.

"I'm sorry I'm leaving so quickly after everything." She told me as we stood near the building's doorway, not far from where I'd yelled for her on that first day we'd talked.

"I know." I said. There was no question she'd leave with hew charge. That was how it was. Guardians followed Moroi. They came first.

She regarded me for a few moments, her brown eyes thoughtful. For the first time in a long time, I felt like we were actually looking eye to eye, as opposed to her looking down on me. It was about time, too, seeing as I had half a foot of height on her.

"You did well," she said at last. "Considering the circumstances."

It was only half a compliment, but I deserved no more. I understood now the mistakes and lapses of judgment that had led to the events at Isaiah's house. Some had been my fault; some hadn't. I wished I could have changed some of my actions, but I knew she was right. I'd done the best I could in the end with the mess before me.

"Oh, hey." Eager to change the subject, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little blue eye pendant she'd given me. "This thing you gave me. It's a nazar, right? "She looked surprised.

"Yes. How'd you know?"

The truth was, Adrian told me when we had our drinking party after the Spokane. "Someone told me. It's a protection thing, right?"

A pensive look crossed her face, and then she exhaled and nodded. "Yes. It comes from an old superstition in the Middle East... Some people believe that those who want to hurt you can curse you or give you the evil eye. The nazar is meant to counteract the evil eye and just bring protection in general to those who wear it."

I ran my fingers over the piece of glass. "Middle East... so, places sort of like, um, Turkey?"

My mother's lips quirked. "Places exactly like Turkey." She hesitated. "It was a gift. A gift I received a long time ago." Her gaze turned inward, lost in memory. I didn't want to press the thing further, but I knew that, for the first time in my life, I had something that belonged to my father.

We said goodbye, and I went to find Dimitri.

I headed down into the gym and found Dimitri in a supply room, reading one of the Western novels he loved. He looked up at my entrance. I'd seen little of him in these last few days and had figured he was busy with Tasha.

"I thought you might come by," he said, putting a bookmark between the pages.

"Yeah, well, I'm not letting you go before I see you."

"Tasha's leaving tomorrow after breakfast." He said.

"I wanted to see you alone." I replied entering the room and closing doors behind me.

"Rose…" He stood up and took a few steps toward me. "I am scared that leaving with someone good as Tasha is actually leaving something even better behind."

My words were caught in my throat. "You need to go with her. You're her guardian."

"I know I am. But I haven't signed anything yet." He was coming even closer and with each step he took, my heart was racing.

"Tasha Ozera is an amazing woman. She's beautiful and she's brave. But she doesn't…"

"It doesn't matter if she gets you or not." I interrupted him. I was really proud my voice was so strong and confident. "She loves you."

"You're right." He laughed humorlessly, stopping. "As always." He ran a hand over his beautiful face and sighed. "I just… I'm scared that you'll resend me or that you'll hate me."

"I could never hate you, Dimitri." I said, standing next to him and putting a hand on his cheek. "I. Love. You." I said each word separately. I wanted him to know I'm not just saying that.

"And I love you too. That's why I'm doing this." He said, leaning his forehead onto mine.

"I know." I whispered. We stood there, not moving at all, our breaths mixing. This was it.

"Do not break her, you hear?" I finally said. "She loves you so much."

"I'll protect her, I promise." He said.

I wished we could stay like this forever. Breaking the half-embrace, he ran a few fingers through my hair and down my cheek. I moved out of his reach and stepped back toward the door. Standing in the doorway, I looked over at him and smiled.

"Guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

"See you, Roza."

Walking to Christian's door I finally felt like a big burden has been lifted from my shoulders. He'll finally leave and I'll be able to forget him. I just needed space, and finally I'll be getting some. I was going to apologize to my Firearm. I've already lost one person, two counting Mason, and I didn't have the privilege of losing another one of my friends.

I checked first if Lissa was with him through the bond, but she was sleeping alone in her room.

"What do you want?" He said standing on the doorframe, blocking my entrance.

"To apologize." I said looking at him lively.

"I don't need your apologizes."

"Maybe, but I need to do this, for myself." I said, shoving him aside and entering the room.

He shut the doors behind me and leaned onto them, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fine, go ahead, say you're sorry, than leave."

"I know I've hurt you." I said, turning around to fully look at him. He looked like he just got out of the shower. His hair was still dump and was sticking in every direction. He wore only pajama pants and his chest were bare. I've never seen him without the shirt if it wasn't through Lissa's eyes. He was really well-built for a Moroi. He didn't have as much muscles as Dimitri, for example, but there were still some.

I brought my eyes back to his when he replied: "Well, as much as I am glad to hear it, it doesn't mean anything to me. You knowing that you've hurt me doesn't change the fact that you did. Me biting you… It's kind of a sensitive topic, don't you think so?"

I nodded. I knew that. "I know. Just… every time Lissa's happy, I'm angry or sad or something like that."

"So what, now you're blaming Lissa for your bitchiness?"

"I didn't say I was blaming her! Do not twist my words!" I pointed a finger toward him. "And don't act so innocent. I saw your conversation with her. You've just apologized; you didn't even say what's been bugging you."

"She wouldn't understand!"

"Yes, she would understand, like I have when you've told me."

"Newsflash to you, honey: you aren't Vasilisa. She doesn't understand it."

"Then why the hell are you still with her if you aren't happy?" I yelled. I had no idea where this conversation was going and, honestly, I didn't want to know. But I knew my motives. After everything we've been through, I felt kinda overprotective when it came to Christian. Before Spokane, he told me that he doesn't want to attend all the royal dinners with Lissa and everything that came with it. I told him to tell her that. And he wasn't happy now. I was seeing that crystal clear. And, because I could so easily read her feelings, Lissa wasn't seeing it. That's why he needed to tell her that.

He said he will.

He didn't.

And I didn't believe in relationships in which people kept quiet about things that concerned them.

"Because she's nice and kind, and she cares about me!" He pushed himself of the wooden doors and took a step closer to me.

"She's not so innocent and good as you think she is!" My resentment towards her was bursting out once again.

"She's not a crazy bitch as you are, also!" My fists clenched. He was so close; it was so easy to just punch him.

"You son of a…" As I lifted my hand in my best intention to slap him, he lifted his and caught mine in the air. He pulled me so I was pressed flash against him and needed to bend my neck so I could look him in the eye.

"You are really good with this apologizing thing." He said venomously.

"Fuck you." I spitted. I was so angry. I actually thought our relationship changed, but it was even worse than it was before.

"Gladly." He smirked, but not in a playful way. His smile was full of poison, full of menace and his eyes were glazing blue fire. I should have been afraid. I should have ran away while I still had the chance. But I couldn't move. It was like when we were in Spokane and he was thirsty. And I was his salvation. I wanted for him to use me as his emancipation, his lifeline.

He leaned in closer, his mouth so close I could feel his breath on my face. He smelled of mint and something spicy. His hand on my still bandaged wrist tightened and he brought the other one on my hip holding me firmly in place. His grip was too strong and I was sure I'm going to have bruises there tomorrow.

I closed my eyes and next thing I felt were his full lips brush against my own. Chills erupted in every crevice of my body and the goose bumps returned with a vengeance. The way his lips were pressed against mine, as if he was starving and hadn't eaten for days, as if he desired something that only my mouth can provide, made me respond the best way I could.

I knew this wasn't about love, it was pure lust mixed with liberating. He needed a place to deflate his anger and I needed to feel another being now that Dimitri left my life for good. My lips parted, and I couldn't withhold a soft moan of pleasure.

His lips abandoned my mouth and kissed a trail down to my neck. I arched myself into him.

"Christian…" I gasped. He didn't even acknowledge me. I felt his arms, too familiar form Lissa's experiences, pulling my tank-top over my head and then throwing it somewhere. My bra was next to fall and in the middle of all that undressing I found myself lying under him on his bed. He pressed all of his weight on me but I didn't mind.

I wanted more. More of Christian Ozera.

Lissa didn't stay in my mind for too long. There'll be enough time for regret later.

"I hate you." I said through kisses. He painfully bit on my lip.

"I don't care. " He breathed.

When we finished, we've just lay there enjoying each other embraces. Somehow, both of our anger dispersed.

"You need to explain Lissa that you don't feel comfortable going with her to parties and socializing." I said, sighing.

"Do you think that our love is worth fighting for it?" He asked, tracing patterns on my bare stomach.

I popped on my elbows so I could get a better look on him. "Every love is worth fighting for."

"But you didn't fight for Dimitri."

I looked away. "There was too much cracks in our ship. It would sink anyway. It was just matter of time."

"Well, maybe it's the same with Lissa and me."

"No, it's not. She loves you. I can feel that." I was kinda sad because of that. She loved him. And I've just… oh God.

His hand stilled. "You truly think we'll survive this?"

"You'll get used to it. To the pain and commitment that comes with every relationship." I said quietly, still not looking at him. "You'll survive everything."

"We shouldn't have done this." He said at least. I didn't feel rejected or offended – I was thinking the same thing.

"It'll never happen again. We'll forget about it." I was sure it won't be that easy, but I was sure that once the guilt is gone and he and Lissa fix their relationship, he'll put this little escapade behind. I will always remember my first time, and I was sad I won't be able to talk about it with my best friend, but I'll put it behind me, too.

So right now, while I was looking myself in the mirror, I expected to feel something. Anything. To feel different. But I felt nothing except the soreness down there and in my muscles. I used my concealer to cover some of the marks Christian left on my skin that were still visible when I dressed, took a deep breath and went to have breakfast with Dimitri and Tasha, Adrian, Lissa and the guy I've just slept with – Christian Ozera.