Next to Everything.
Did I say football games are cold? I change my mind. Corn mazes are cold. Corn mazes are unbelivably fucking cold. What physcho person came up with this idea? And who went through with it? Locking a bunch of defenseless kids in with vegetables and serial killers? One's bad enough, but both?
What the hell?
And the more I think about it, the more freaked out I get. The more the wind bites into my shoulders. I shiver a little, rubbing my arms. Then another arm nudges mine and I remember why I'm willing to suffer. Why I'm willing to scare myself shitless.
Why I'm willing to do a lot of stupid things.
And without hesitation.
"Cold?" She asks. I have to resist the urge to look into her eyes. It doesn't work. I glance over and fall right back in. Right back into temptation. Right back where I love to hate to be. I'm not really cold anymore.
"A little." I smile gently. She unwraps the blanket from around her shoulders and wraps half around me. Pulling us closer. Really, really close. We're waiting in line by the maze. It hasn't started yet, but its not much longer. We're in the middle of the line. In the middle of a massive amount of seniors. In the middle and still impossibly cold. Now though, I'm starting to forget about the cold. Because her hip is pressing into mine. Our arms are practically hooked. Feet beside feet. And if I turn my head barely an inch, I could kiss her cheek.
I could freaking kiss her.
But I'm not going to give into that. Nope. I refuse. So I just look in the other direction and try to ingore the tingling sensations running through me. Tilt my head down, shift slowly from foot to foot and ignore what is being so obviously shoved in my face. With skin against skin and touch and heartbeats. Something so simple as touching someone else -something I've been doing all my life- can change so dramatically in such a subtle way that it catches me off guard. It makes me unsure, because I've never felt like this. In a completely literal sense, I have never felt what I feel when she's pressed beside me.
Who would have thought?
Steam is drifting over all of us. Hot breath escapes into the icy air and floats into the night's blackness. White-grey smoke climbs up from red-hot cigarettes. Wisps of heat rise from cups of hot chocolate.
I suddenly have a really strong craving for hot chocolate.
"Hey um..." Ashley starts. She turns her head to me, her warm words mingling on my cheek. "I really want some hot chocolate." Dream girl. "You mind if I run and get some?" She asks, already shedding the blanket. She drapes it over my shoulders.
"Not if you get me some too." I answer, smiling sweetly. Its my classic Spencer smile. It'll make you drop to your knees. No one can resist it-not even Glen. And shit, that's saying something.
"Yeah, of course." She smiles back. I get the feeling that my smile wasn't even needed. That she was going to do it anyway. That she would have done it even if I hadn't asked. And that just drops more feeling deep inside me. Just carves her a little farther into my heart.
She smiles and suddenly I'm on the recieving end of my undeniable grin. I grin back. She disappears into the crowd. She weaves through them with the expertise of a seasoned music festival attendee. I watch her till she's out of sight. And then I think about her. Because her smell is in this blanket. Her hot breath lingers on my cheek. Her smile is in my eyes. She's growing on me.
The problem is, she's already all over me.
I'm sitting on my couch. I tossed my jacket on the back and flopped down ten minutes ago. The Spill Canvas-Staplegunned-is blaring from my computer. It would usually distract me-and yeah, I'd probably sing along-but tonight I'm too nervous. I'm twisting my fingers again. It's becoming a bad habit. She's becoming a bad habit. I'm becoming a mess of them.
See where my thoughts go when I'm nervous?
For some reason, things have shifted from this morning. This is feeling more and more like a date. More and more how I want it to be. More like its bigger than it should be.
There's a loud crash. I nearly jump out of my skin and Glen comes barreling in, a football clutched under his arm. His friends crash in after him, one actually managing to shut the front door. They roll around on the ground before me for a good five minutes. I just watch.
Brothers, right?
Finally, one notices me. Not that I"m exactly estatic. I take that back-its annoying. His friends think I'm hot and I think they're...guys. So, gross. Though they do look pretty adorable with their cheeks all red. But that just gets me thinking about how Ashley would look with blushed cheeks.
There's really not a doubt about me being gay.
"I heard you were going to the maze with Ashley Davies." Glen says, abandoning the football for his second favorite sport. Torturing his little sister. Me and Glen actually get along pretty well. Better than Clay and I, really. No where near what me and Clay used to be, but pretty good considering.
"Yeah." I agree, trying to figure out where he's going with this. You can never tell with Glen. He glances over at his friends. They smirk, but I get the feeling they're just as clueless as me.
"That's cool." Glen says. Then he turns and leaves. Not dramatically, just naturally. Which messes me up more than anything he could have said. What the hell? What was that supposed to mean?
I'm still turning the two words around in my head when a car horn honks outside. I peek through the curtains to see Ashley on the street. Her Spider pushing grey fumes out into the air, the windows tinted deep black. The butterflies come back with a vengence. I'm sure they're eating my stomach alive. How can one girl, not so much older than me, make me feel like this?
I shrug on my jacket, check for my phone, and then yell to my parents. I crunch across the half-frozen grass, my hands shoved deep into my pockets. I can't see into the car, which is just another on a long list of things that make me undeniably nervous. Apprehensive. Excited. I pull open the passenger door and slip inside.
She's sitting there, looking every bit of the gorgeous that she is. Her eyes are on mine, a smile lingering on her lips. Her hand slides to the stickshift.
"Hey." She says. I grin back, pulling the door shut, my eyes never leaving her's.
"Hi." I answer, immeadiately shy. I blush a little and hope she can't see it on my cold cheeks. Glancing down at my lap, my fingers are already twisting around themselves. I see a long, awkward car ride stretching before us. Thoughts speed through my mind as she pulls away from the curb. I imagine every weird, uncomfortable situation we could get into. Every slip I could cause. And she dispels every one of those thoughts. She rids me of every nervous tendency. Every caution, every fake laugh, with one simple action.
She pushes play.
And The Kooks flow from the speakers. A real, uncontained grin slips onto my mouth.
"You listen to The Kooks?" I ask, as She Moves in Her Own Way comes through the speakers. I'm surprised, and pleased, and stoked too. Half expecting her to tell me its just Kyla's or someone's else's cd. She smiles surprised too.
"Wait, you actually know who they are?" She says, glancing over at me. Drawing me in. Those big brown eyes. I grin, from her eyes and from my music obsession.
"Yeah, I seriously love them. Did you see them last month?" She raises her eyebrows a little..
"Totally! That concert was awesome!" She grins that smile that only music lover posses. Like looking back on the night of the best sex you ever had, except there's nothing tainted about that memory. No breakups, no morning afters, no awkwardness, no forgetting names. No weird noises or tendencies. Just simple exhiliration and crystal memories blurred by thumping speakers and body heat. Just goosebumps and grins.
"Yeah, it really was." Except I was there with Sarah. Which, a few weeks ago would have made it better. Now I just wish I would have run into Ashley. Ashley squeals onto the highway and for a moment- just a moment- I revel in the absurdity of us being in her car, alone. Of being with her alone. Of our quick conversations alone.
Of coming together, so we won't have to be alone.
My phone buzzes from my pocket. It's angrily telling me that Sarah is texting me. Buzzing like the text offended it. Apparently it's on Ashley's side. If Ashley even as a side. Maybe it just hates Sarah. 'Wat r u doing?' Glares from the white screen.
'At the corn maze.' I answer. I slide my phone back in my pocket. I don't want to piss Sarah off, because I don't like hurting her, but I don't want to talk to her either. We really just need to stop things.
Someone nudges me from behind. I turn, expecting Ashley with warm cups of hot chocolate. Instead, Aiden stands there, smiling widely. I merely study his face for a second, realizing with a sick feeling in my stomach that he really likes me. A lot. Derek was bad enough, but Aiden to? Does God hate me?
And then I think about the brunette currently getting me hot chocolate.
And I realize that God just has a sick sense of humor.
I break out one of my best fake smiles and offer Aiden my arms. Hoping Ashely will take her time. Why, I'm not sure. Probably because I don't want her to think something's going on between me and Aiden. Jenna didn't exactly help things. Aiden wraps me in a tight hug. I don't want Ashely to think that I'm interested in anyone else. I also don't want her to think I'm trying to take someone she may be interested in. On one hand, the feeling is all crush. The other is purely friendship. One definietely influences me more than the other.
Of course its the insensible part of my heart.
"What's up?" He asks. I shrug.
"Jut waiting." I answer. I tug the blanket closer around me, her smell wafting up to me. I smile softly.
"Are you going in the maze?" He asks. No shit Sherlock.
"Yeah." Is all I say. I really don't want him thinking he has a chance. Derek is enough. Plus, I hate drama. An even if all my Ashley dreams don't come true, I'm not going to date her ex. Not while we're becoming friends.
"Cool. We should find each other." He says. His voice is subtly suggestive. I think comes naturally to him. Another things about the corn maze : it's a notorious hookup spot. I didn't let myself consider it when Ashley brought it up, but ususally when you invite someone-especially someone not a senior-you hook up with that someone. But I think the rules change when its two girls. I don't know what to expect. That's probably why my stomach is flip-flopping. Probably why I can't focus on Aiden for more than two seconds.
"Uh..maybe." I smile swiftly. He's not as dense as he acts, because he nods. I think he got the message. Good Aiden.
"Alright. Well, hey, we should hang out some time." His voice has lost that edge. He just seems friendly now. But then again, you can never tell with guys. Or, well, I can't. But that might be the gay factor.
"Yeah, ok." I answer. He smiles again, then leaves. A millisecond later, Ashley appears beside me, two hot chocolates balanced in her hands. She smiles.
"Chocolate goodness." She hands one to me- loaded with delicious marshmallows- and I pull open the blanket to let her in. She moves next to me. Much closer than before. Much, much closer. Hips and arms and feet all pressed side-by-side. I sip at the hot chocolate, feel her body next to mine. Feel warmer than I think I ever have. Feel things changing.
"This is really good." I say. She nods, swallowing.
"Yeah, it is." The line before us starts moving. My stomach drops. For a number of reasons actually. The main one is Ashley. But somewhere in that long list is the fact that serial killers scare the hell out of me.
Especially when I'm locked in vegetables with them.
We down the rest of the hot chocolate. Tossing the cups in the trashcan, we move quickly to the front. Ashley sends me a nervous look. I echo it back. Finally, we reach the front. A guy stands there. We hand him our tickets and he pushs us through. There's a sudden turn at the beginning. We both go right.
And suddenly, its really really quiet.
The voices of everyone else fade and all that's left are crickets. And a sudden, loud scream. And holy shit, this is scary. Ashley reaches out and twists my jacket in her fingers.
"Are you, like, insanely terrified?" She asks, her voice hushed but excited. I look over and wrap my fingers over her's. Yeah, this is gonna be fun.
"Yeah." I whisper, because I'm really really scared. I'm really not faking this. She looks over and grins, looking totally stoked. I, on the other hand, am not. Then she hooks her arm through mine and pulls me forward. "Can't we just stay here?" I suggest hopefully. She grins.
"Nope. I paid good money for this."
"I didn't." I say, smirking a little. She laughs again, still tugging me down the path. And truth be told, I'm gonna follow her wherever she goes.
"Yeah, yeah. I paid good money for both of us, so we're not wasting it." We cut down another path. It's still bright where we are, the stadium lights at the edge glaring into the plants. Shading everything blinding white and grey. The corn stalks grow tall and surreal around us, throwing dramatic shadows everywhere. I can see every detail of her face. Our shadows stretch out long behind us, leaving a trail.
It's only freaking me out more. I'm really bad about scaring myself.
"When do the crazy people come?" I'm still whispering. This really is terrifying. I've never ever been this scared.
If something jumps out at me, I think I'm gonna pee on myself.
She pulls me closer. "I'll protect you." She laughs. She thinks I'm joking.
"You'll probably throw me at 'em." I grumble. She pretends to consider it.
"Well..." I give her a look and she just laughs. She seems to realize I'm freaking out though, because she slows doen a litte. She keeps me close. "I'm just kidding. I won't let anyone get you."
"Uh-huh." I say, but I'm smiling and I'm slowly relaxing. The maze is becoming less terrifying and more seculded. It might have somethign to do with the tan arms wrapepd around my own. It's like we're the only ones in here. Our eyes meet for a millisecond and I have a fleeting knowledge that my realizations are echoed in her eyes. We just keep walking, arms locked.
"So, scariest horror movie freak?" She asks, tugging me down another path.
"The clown from It." I answer. Seriously. That clown is fucking terrifying. Sacriest thing ever, hands down. "You?"
"I don't know, maybe-" And that's when freaking Jason launches out from between the cornstalks. He's waving this knife around. Screaming bloody murder. Me and Ashley start hauling ass. Tearing down that worn dirt path like it's for real. Skidding over beaten down corn stalks and now I'm having flashbacks to Signs.
We must have been running for three minutes before he loses interest. And trust me, sprinting for three whole minutes- tripping and rounding corners blindly- is a crazy long time to run. Adrenaline pumping and faces flushed. We managed to get utterly lost in those few minutes. The lights have faded, the stalks growing taller. But compared to what just happened, back here it's dark and safe. I like it a hell of a lot more. 'Cos back here, I can hide.
I guess my flight instinct kicked in.
I glance over at Ashley and she looks over at me. We bust out laughing. Hands on knees, gasping for breath, laughter spilling out into the silence. Defeating every fear taking hold. Because, oh my god, we just got chased by Jason. It rolls out of our mouths, tears coming to my eyes.
"Ok, was that for real?" Ashley asks, finally sucking in enough air to breathe out the words. Wiping her eyes. I'm grinning, teeth bared, warm white breath escaping into the air.
"Yeah, I think it was." I laugh, feeling it in my chest. Standing up. Shoving my hands into my pockets and tugging my jacket close. Still grinning. She looks up from where she leans over, still breathing hard. She smiles wickedly.
"I want to do it again." She says and I laugh gently.
"Ok. As long as it's not a clown chasing us." She laughs too and stands up. Offering her my arm again, we keep walking. Keep smiling. That adrelaline pumping and pure happiness flowing. I get why people hook up in here. You just want to grab whoever you like and kiss her...well, him..or her-you want to kiss them. And the mood is just desperate enough to let you do it.
"Don't worry. I'll fight it off." She promises, nudging me a little. I brush against the corn stalks but pull away from them quickly. I don't really trust them anymore, not after someone jumped out from them. Someone jumped out at me.
"Good, 'cos I'm a wimp." She laughs. And in these quiet steps something shifts. Here, where breathing takes over conversation and touch silences the laughter, I reach somewhere else.
I know I'm not in love with Sarah.
The girl I thought maybe I loved. I thought maybe we would make it. But here, I realize the whole meaning of 'rebound'. What I thought and what I now know switch places. Focus in and straighten their lines, make themselves apparent to even the dimmest.
And this whole thing we have- the kiss and go, the love and hurt -it's not something I can keep doing. Or want to. It's not a sudden break, not even a burst of knowledge. It's like I just looked around and noticed where I was. What I was doing. How I was changing. Or maybe how I never changed at all- never took that first step -and only now am I noticing. Only now do I see where my feet have made imprints, have settled so deep into the ground that it's gonna take a hell of a push to get me out of this rut.
Lucky for me, I've got just the person.
Ashley pulls us around a corner and pulls me closer. I lean in, barely even noticing it. Trying not to, because noticing it means that I'm actually doing it. Means I'm getting bolder and sometimes- though I get the feeling not this time- that bold only leads to hurt. An easy brush off or a slight shun, putting myself out there and getting turned down still stings.
But through all this ignoring and all these realizations I recognize the wide open before me. I see through everything I've been building between us, every doubt and restraint. I see all the way to finish line. Well, maybe not that far, but my toe is braced on the starting line. My heel up and balanced, hands flat out, ready to launch off at the slightest horn. At the quietest whistle. The softest breath. Scared as hell but knowing I'm gonna sprint anyway.
Suddenly, there's only one thing veiled between us.
Only one, relationship-defining doubt barring the way.
"Did you hear about Dashboard coming?" Ashley asks. We're trailing deeper and deeper into the maze. Huddled together and crunching on dried stalks in the middle of the path.
"Yeah, me and Chloe are going. Are you?" Our arms still intertwined. We start to lose the imposed alertness the fake-Jason strung on us.
"Yeah. Well, me and Aiden were supposed to go, but..not anymore."
"You should come with us." I feel her eyes glance over. I glance over to meet them.
"Cool. I will." We keep walking. "Wait, I forgot." She's grinning now as she pulls us to stop, tugging me back to face her. Trailing her fingers onto my jacket with a seductive feel I know she doesn't mean. Or doesn't realize. I frown, confused. "One." She counts, pushing my pea coat out of the way. Her fingers find the grey sweater beneath. She twists it between her fingers. "Two." She pauses and glances up to grin into my eyes. "Charlotte Rousse. I like it." I smile, but I'm still confused. She keeps going, index finger pressing against my stomach. Making me burn a little.
Suddenly, I smile. Remembering.
"Three." She counts, finding the thin white wife-beater as she slides her fingers under my sweater. My face is flushing, I can feel it. Oh. My. God. If she puts those fingers on my stomach, I might just lose it. I'm definitely not wearing seven layers, as per the discussion this morning, and she's about to find that out. I'm pretty sure I'm not breathing. I'm too nervous to care. My heart is pounding. My skin is burning.
Her fingers find my skin. Three, soft and uneven across my stomach. Press softly into sensitive areas. Ice cold fingers against my warm skin. Sending goosebumps everywhere. I smile awkwardly. Push away any comments about fingers and skin, because you don't voice those things. You can't mutter about what she's making you feel. About the golden warmth running through and down my stomach.
"You're short about..four." She says, looking up at me. She's smiling but it's not reaching her eyes. They're big and open and maybe just as nervous as I am. Maybe I'm imagining again. Maybe I'm tired of second guessing.
"Yeah." I answer, smiling the same. Quickly, like she's realizing the intensity of this situation, she pulls them out. Realizing the boundaries we're crossing, but she stays close. Keeps her foot in the door and I let her. I stay too, feet planted shakily and skin burning. Edging closer to admitting.
"Arrghh!!" This time it's some sort of monstrous werewolf thing, all hair and teeth. It's just as surprising as the first time- shoots a bolt of fear through my chest -but this time its breaking apart the moment. Ashley grins widly at me and grabs my hand. We go tearing down the path and I let out a quick squeal. It's not scared though.
It's kind of estatic.
IOIOIOI
Two hours into the maze and we're not feeling the cold anymore. My breath is still coming out white hot, but my fingers are practically numb. They're wrapped tightly around Ashley's. Her's are cold and strong and soft and keeping me close. I don't how it happened, honestly. Both of us fumbling around in the dark, maybe one latched onto the other. Or maybe by some natural occurence, we just gripped. Or maybe there's some perfecty logical reasoning explaining why we're connected now, but I've given up on trying to explain it. I'm just enjoying it.
"So..any ideas on where we are?" Ashley asks, swinging our arms bewteen us. Conversation hasn't stalled since we came in and shows no signs of stopping. The crush I had- have on her is steadily moving into attraction. Steadily drawing me in on her personality and her laugh. On her touch and her eyes. On all the casually intimate things that I find sort of fascinating.
"Umm...no. None whatsoever" I answer, in a voice that conveys the fact that I really don't mind. She laughs gently. I smile, looking up at the blue black sky and pinpoints of silver light. I stop walking, tugging her back with my hand. Both of us acknowledging the connection without words. "Look, it's Venus." I say lightly, pointing up into the sky.
"For real?" She asks, barely even glancing at the sky. Eyes on me. I laugh and shrug.
"Could be." She laughs too, hitting me with her other hand. Leaving the one wrapped with mine. Leaning into me. Faces inches apart and bodies not even allowing that distance. The moment shifts suddenly, an accumalation of everything I've been feeling all night. Eyes locked together again, I have to desperately resisit the urge to glance down at her mouth. To send that telling look her way. To let her know what I think she's feeling too.
She betrays it.
She looks down and I feel as much as see her eyes on my mouth. Lick at my suddenly drying lips. Wonder suddenly at how quickly moments change. Her hand still clutched in mine. Firmly out of friendship territory, but close enough to back out without repercussion. Neither of us of pulling away. Or going closer. We're just stuck here, face to face, everything on the line. Mouth to mouth. Eyes flicking together and then away. Noses can brush close, but never pushing that moment foward.
Then, she takes my other hand. She pulls back a little, taking me with her. Tearing at the little world we just formed, where anything can happen. Where maybe it will. She smiles softly and I'm too wrapped up to try to read it. Too completely flustered with the way I just let that moment slip away to look into the creases of her forehead and the lines in her eyes. Which is something that's never happened. No matter what the event, what the problem, I can always read people. It comes naturally. Maybe because I'm never really emotionally attached to them. Maybe because I hold myself off. Maybe because I need to understand them to show them what they have to see. To make myself what they have to see.
But here, in this vegetable patch of a place, there's too many emotions laced between us. Too many mutual secrets and a blooming relationship to let me calm myself. Here, I am feeling. And with no regrets. With slip-ups and nosedives and maybe a couple truly brilliant touches, I am throwing myself into the fray. And loving it.
I'm changing.
And I realize it with the first truly terrifying moment of my life. Because I'm opening up. I'm discarding years of perceptions and lies and slowly chipping at walls. I'm becoming vunerable. More vunerable right now then I ever have been. Telling truths to my best friends and going on half-dates with a girl I've liked for ages. In these past weeks, I have changed.
Ashley notices my sudden silence and takes it for something else. Because she pulls her hands away subtly. Steps back silently. But just as quickly, I retrieve her fingers. Squeeze them back between my own. Send her a smile that tells her I really am ok. That this is ok. That eventually, we'll get there. Eventually, secrets will be told, dates will be had, and things will be easier.
Whether that's the truth or not is beyond me.
But honestly, that's ok.
"What do you say we get out of here?" I ask, barely swinging her arm. Stretching for what we just had. Trying to slide our face-to-face moment inbetween our debate over chipmunks and squirrels and our obesession with PacSun. Between the bonds we're forming. But for some reason, it just doesn't want to find a place. It hangs between us, heavy and hard. Tries to make itself a wall.
"Yeah, it's getting really cold." She glances down at the phone she's pulled from her back pocket. Agrees and starts to brush away the moment. A moment I want desperately to hold on to. "It's like 10:20." My phone buzzes from my pocket.
'Done yet?' Sarah texts.
"Hey, you wanna spend the night?" Ashley asks.
It's a decision I make without hesitation.
"Yeah, alright." I tell Ashley. 'I'm going to a friend's house.' I text Sarah.
Ashley grabs my arm again. Slender fingers felt through my thick pea coat. She pushes away that wall so easily, the one that was about to crush me. It becomes comfortable again.
Cold, but comfortable.
IOIOIOI
"Ummm...so how do we get out of here?" I ask, looking up and around at the corn stalks. They are literally everywhere. Then again, what would you expect from a corn maze? Ashley shrugs.
"I'm not so good at mazes." Ashley says. Swinging my hand absently. A few feet away stands a monster of a tower. Metal bars lead up to the top, but it's empty. It stands out here, all dark grey and man-made among the stalks.
"Let's go up here." I say, pulling her in that direction. Holding her hand closer to me. I start climbing and smile softly to myself. "Stop checking out my butt." I grin. She chuckles below me. Low and soft and enticing.
"Only if you can prove it." She jokes, starting after me. Her boots tapping against the bars. Her hands grasp at the bars my feet linger on. We reach the top quickly, blowing hot air into the sky. It's colder up here, if that's even possible. She leans on the railing beside me. The maze stretches out before us. Miles and miles it seems, paths curving and cutting randomly in a dizzying array of connections. Maybe even more confusing than my current relationships.
"This is really pretty." I say, sweeping my eyes over the land. I glance back at her. She's studying my face.
"Yeah." She says softly, absentmindedly. Then, seeming to realize what she just said, she sends a flirty smile my way. Takes the edge off and turns her head away. I smile gently. She looks more gorgeous, if that's possible, in the bright moonlight. She looks just as surreal and mysterious as she still feels to me. Just as unreachable and at the same time, slipping through my fingertips. So far away even though she's only feet from me. I wonder if that wil ever change and what could change it.
"Spencer Carlin!" A voice calls up to me. I lean over the rail. Addie stands at the bottom, waving frantically. I can see her smile from here.
"Addie Bareilles!" I call back, waving with the same enthusiasm.
"I'm coming up!" She yells. Her date, some football-playing, truck-driving, visor-wearing Southern boy leans over and kisses her goodbye. Then he steps off to the left. Which, to my surprise, is the exit. Right under our noses, huh? Addie clunks up the metal contraption. She surfaces a couple minutes later, cheeks flushed and breath puffing. Grinning, she wraps me in a hug.
"Hey Spence!" She smiles. She has this feeling about her. Like she's full to the brim of energy and she's just keeping it bottled up, right under the surface. Like she's always ready to burst into a sprint or jump in the air and only pure force of will is keeping her in check. When she gets on the soccer field, all that just releases. Her and Chloe, I swear. But that's another story.
"Hey Addie." I smile back. "Who are you here with?" I bump arms with Ashley against the metal. Keep my arm there. Re-forge that connection with an ease I almost marvel at. Addie gestures toward the exit.
"Jason, but he bailed. He's going down to the Pit and I didn't want to go with him." I can almost see Ashley's eyes light up. She turns to me and tilts her head hopefully.
"Wanna go?" She asks. "We can borrow Aiden's truck.." She bribes. I roll my eyes.
"Sure." I say.
"You wanna go with us Addie?" Ashley asks, turning from me. Leaving me a chance to breathe her in and take her in and maybe slow my heart down for a bit. Addie smiles.
"Actually, yeah."
"Sweet!" Ashley's practically bouncing.
IOIOIOI
There's mud everywhere. As cold as it is, as tired as I am from that maze, and as spinning as Ashley is making me, I can't help but grin at the Pit. There's probably no where like it besides down south. It's a very southern, very redneck thing. I mean, the Pit? How much redneck-y could you get? But it's like that guilty pleasure you don't talk about. A rush of freedom.
It's fun.
First off, it's a pit. A big space of dirt, grass killed and run over. Mud now, after someone spilled a ton of water on it. And the guys take their trucks and do donuts. That's pretty much the extent of it. We all form a big circle, take down our tailgates, pull out the beer. Somebody- the bravest or the stupidest- goes in the middle and we indulge in deep south guilty habits. Somebody named it the Pit long before I was born. The cops show up every now and then and it's hilarious, everyone peeling off, hitting each other.
But again, another story.
Tonight, I'm here with Ashley. I've seen her down here a few times, but now I'm here with her. Piled in the back of Aiden's truck with a new sense of inclusion. I've sat here before, with Jenna just hanging out. But now I'm crammed in the back, smushed against Ashley and sipping a Corona. Now it's different than before. Not better or worse, just different. It feels like a different place.
Addie's hanging off the sides, swinging her feet. Flirting with another football player. They make her feel safe. No one blames her. We just make sure she doesn't pick the wrong ones and the wrong ones know it. They stay back. Jenna Craig and Spencer Carlin could snap your life in half, as sweet as they can be- or at least that's the word going 'round. We don't mind if it keeps our friends safe. We would both throw down for any of them. That's just the kind of people we are.
Ashley turns to me, her own Corona dripping in her hands. I don't know how we're drinking cold beer when its thirty degrees outside, but we are. It cuts down my throat and bites into my freezing hands.
"You wanna go for a spin?" She smiles wickedly, someting I've been seeing on her more and more. I smile and shake my head.
"Yeah, sure." I agree, probably against my better judgment. She grins and stands up. Offering me her hand.
Five minutes later we're in Aiden's truck. Her in the driver's seat, me in the passenger.
I'm pretty scared.
From what I know about Ashley, and from what I know from Ashley, she's definitely gonna flip us over.
She grins at me and shifts gears.
There's this soft bond between us, buidling from every word we've spoken and everything we've done.
She shifts again and I grip at the arm rests.
But this bond, it's getting stronger and stronger. I'm growing comfortable around her. I'm relaxing.
She moves her foot to the gas pedal.
But I want to be even closer.
I want to be as close as we can get. No matter how long it takes. I want to know ever bit of her- as gutter as my mind goes- I want more than that. I want early mornings. I want afternoons.
I want things I don't know if I can handle.
I want her.
She guns the gas, sending us in a twirl of dizzying spins. I don't know were she learned to drive like this, but I'm terrified and amazed at the same time. Attracted and nervous.
I'm infatuted.
I want next to nothing in the scheme of things.
But in my life, it's next to everything.