A/N: Hooray everyone! Guess who's back with another late update! Well, I guess it's actually on time for the way I've been updating. Well anyway, it's finally here!
Before we get into this I must both apologize and thank you all once again for being so patient with me. I'm very sorry that I wasn't able to respond to all of your reviews. I NEVER have free time anymore but thankfully, I'm starting to gain some of it back. This chapter is evidence!
And yep, you've all guessed it! It's that time of year! The time where I shamelessly plug my absolute favorite Xenosaga author, Aiselne Phoenix Nocturnus. All of you who do not understand her greatness must go find her now and read her own AlbedoxJr. story, Bleed White. Seriously guys, if you like what I do, you'll worship the stuff she writes. Especially you, CE. That's right, I totally just called you out. ;P
Well, now that I'm finished plugging every outlet I can find with Aiselne's amazingness (the strength of which could produce more power than a zohar emulator), let me tell you about this chapter.
The beginning section of this story takes place directly after the last chapter with Jr. still in his nightmare. The rest of the chapter is the obligatory Jr.-wakes-up-and-deals-with-his-nightmare thing. You've all read the story enough by now. You know how it goes. ;P
We've got a lot of angst and confusion in the chapter, all on Jr.'s part of course. Why is it so much fun to torment my favorite characters? D:
Disclaimer: Anyone who says I own Xenosaga is a liar! I only wish I did.
A broken bone can heal, but the wound a word opens can fester forever
- Jessamyn West
Abnormally Attracted to Sin
Chapter 13
Broken
Drowning. He felt as if he were drowning. Drowning in what, he wasn't exactly sure. He knew it wasn't water. It was a thicker, heavier stuff but he could breathe it. And he knew he was breathing it because he felt it sliding down his airway like liquid malice. Though it wasn't truly palpable – at least not until it sank like lead to the lining of his lungs where it sat eagerly spreading its poison. Where it suffocated him with its pollution and had him struggling to break free. Where it drowned him in its toxic abyss.
He could feel that he was in the cathedral. Even through the grating pain of the static and the oppressive presence of the abyss he could feel it. And he could feel claws sliding along his jaw and a voice whispering to his abused mind, the sound like painful peroxide bubbling away an infection. It was a healing pain, a sweet pain – the kind that came with promises of a cure. If he would only relax into its sharp embrace and listen to its sour lullaby. If he would only give in.
But that was a lie. He knew it was a lie because the claws that held him brought blood and the lips that met his – bitter lust. The teeth sought his life. He wasn't about to give in. He strained against the scrapping pain of the white noise, struggled to gain even an ounce of leverage. He had to fight, he couldn't just submit. Albedo was the one hurting him. He was always the one hurting him. This was no different.
"I am…the leader…," Jr. choked, his tired body straining against the strength of the abyss. "And no…it's mine…"
Jr.'s vision was hazy when he finally managed to open his blue eyes. The blurry image of Ormus' cross leapt and shivered as his sight tried to focus. The darkness that had enveloped the cathedral earlier was slowly claiming the nave. What had served as Jr.'s only sanctuary during his deluded nightmare was submitting. It layered over the broken altar in tendrils and radiated up the shattered glass of the window behind it to devour the cross.
"…but I'm not going down without a fight."
His answer must have surprised the monster that held him because beyond his cage of claws Jr. felt his sickening smile. The sound grew louder, the sheer power of it pressing down like raining gravity onto his form.
"Beware your words, they display your fear."
The static chipped at what was left of his resolve and finally covered his lit up nave with onyx smoke. The only thing left visible as the abyss finally slid his heavy eyes closed was the feral pull of his brother's lips.
"Good morrow, sweet prince."
Jr. awoke screaming or trying to scream. Lungs needed oxygen in order to power a scream and even though he was beginning to get used to being deprived of the life-giving fuel, it didn't stop him from jerking straight up in his bed and greedily gasping for it. He coughed and threw himself forward, grabbing the sheet that covered his legs in one hand and gripping at the burning in his chest with the other.
His blood pounded in his ears as his lungs screamed for mercy. He opened his eyes but found that he couldn't see. Panic seized him at the discovery. He tried to call out for help but that too required oxygen his body was refusing to let in. Would anyone hear him if he could scream? Would he want anyone to hear him?
Albedo…where was Albedo? And where was he? Was he still in the cathedral? His body lurched and shook from its lack of air. That smoke, the obsidian abyss must have dragged him down after all.
Beware your words, they display your fear.
Something flashed through the darkness blanketing his vision. An electric current rushed through him, momentarily releasing whatever had a hold on him. It was enough and Jr. greedily absorbed oxygen into his weeping lungs. White spots invaded his vision as his weakened body now tried to regulate the air into his panicky lungs.
'Get up,' Jr. hissed at himself. 'Get up, wake up, and fight. Albedo's still here.'
As soon as he had thought it he heard a voice in his ear. His body froze at the touch, his ears deaf to the words and his mind ringing at the presence of a voice and of a hand on his shoulder…sliding up to his jaw and under the line of bone there. Something inside of him snapped and before he could stop himself he had brought his gun up and had it pressed against what he was sure was his monster. His finger had the trigger pulled halfway when he heard a scream,
"Jr., no!"
chaos?
Jr. felt hands on his forearm. Fingers wrapped around it and pulled his arm back right as he pressed down to fire. The sound and the flash of his bullet cleared the pitch-black cloud over his eyes and he saw for the first time since the obsidian abyss had closed them.
It was dark and the place he currently sat was soft and comfortable despite the crumbled up sheets he had slung roughly during his panic. His breathing came in hard gasps now as awareness finally found him but his wasn't the only breathing in the room. His gaze snapped to the hand around his arm and found a dark blue glove covering it. He followed the arm connect to it and found its owner standing tense and alert above him, as if Jr.'s panic had been the source of his own. When Jr.'s eyes finally met chaos' light blue ones he finally let himself relax a bit. chaos didn't relax in return, however. The boy's gaze shot over toward the side of Jr.'s bed. Bed? The variant took a moment as his eyes scanned the darkness. He knew this place. It was the Elsa's men's cabin. But what was he doing here? As he searched for an answer he found where chaos' eyes had landed.
Tony sat on the floor, bracing himself up with the palms of his hands as if he'd been knocked suddenly backwards. He stared at Jr. with wide, blue eyes. His mouth hung open slightly as his breath came out in large puffs. The realization of what just occurred slammed into Jr. as he stared at the blonde man on the floor. His gun felt heavy in his clenched hand but he didn't drop it, surprised into a stiff silence. The three of them were deathly quiet for a few more moments. The strength of chaos' grip never lessened. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Tony spoke.
"Little Master," he whispered, the shock evident in his voice as much as his eyes. "What…the hell?"
Virgil's smirk greeted Albedo. The Blue Testament was leaned against a wall, arms folded, scarred face pulled into something that mocked a smile. When Albedo materialized before him, Virgil pushed away from the wall he was against, unfolded his arms and gave the returning Testament applause.
"Crucify me," Virgil quoted, in an exaggerated fashion. He shook his head and grinned. "You're too kinky to torture."
Albedo didn't answer him. His attention was set on the red figure beside him.
"Enjoy the show, Lust?" He spoke, turning to face Kevin.
"You have broken a rule, Albedo." Kevin answered. His voice was quick and sharp when he replied. Virgil heard the edge in it and sent him a questioning glance but Kevin ignored him. "You told him that you were alive. Your game is over."
Albedo's grin was poisonous. "Playing referee, are we?"
Kevin was immune to Albedo's venom, however. He moved from his position beside Virgil and took a few steps toward Albedo warningly. Albedo felt the aura but, just as the red being was immune to his poison, Albedo was immune to blade of his threats.
"You are a Testament now. You have rules and you have to follow them. Did you forget the consequences of your actions already?"
"Did He send you?" Albedo asked.
The question caught Kevin off-guard and quickly dissolved his threatening demeanor. Albedo could feel it and nodded in understanding. "If your lord and master did not send you then what rule have I broken?"
The question more than upset the Red Testament and he angrily responded, "Summon, seek, find me?' 'I have returned for you'? Those count as admittance."
Albedo shrugged, "It was his weakness that caused him to search and his search for me began before our last act together. I am merely following his script."
"It's true."
Kevin's mask turned to Virgil, demanding an explaination. The Blue Testament crossed his arms again and regained his earlier posture. He shrugged once before continuing, "The kid was looking for Albedo earlier. He even tried to contact him through their link. He almost made himself sick over it."
Virgil nodded towards Albedo and sighed, "If he already believed that Albedo was alive and Albedo didn't come right out and admit that he was a living, breathing Testament who was watching his every movement, I don't think it counts. Wilhelm would have intervened if it had, wouldn't he?"
Kevin's irritation only grew. He glared at Albedo. The Testament returned his glare with a sneer. He raised a hand and snapped his fingers, covering his face with a white mask.
"Forgive me for ruffling your feathers, Lust. I'm sure there will be another time when you can more appropriately pick at my rotting corpse. Until then…"
Albedo waved Kevin off and walked away from the two of them, back to his crystalline seat, back to Rubedo.
Jr. sat in the Elsa's bar, head in his hands, eyes shut tight against the flow of chaos' words. He'd almost shot Tony, had almost killed him. Jr. covered his ears with his hands. chaos was lying. He had to be lying. Jr. demanded himself to think, to make sense of the previous night. He hadn't been able to sleep. chaos' words had been too much for him, had kept him up despite the alcohol in his system trying to keep him down, so he'd gotten into his hover car and had driven back to the cathedral. He'd opened the doors, he'd walked inside and he'd met…
"Albedo…"
chaos shook his head and Jr. could hear the desperation in his friend's voice. It wasn't true, his friend kept begging. Jr. cringed at the pleading in chaos' voice; pleading him to understand, to wake up, to realize. Jr. wouldn't accept it. He knew what had happened, he'd been there. As impossible as it all sounded, it was true. It had to be true! He slammed his fists down onto the counter in front of him. The action caused the bottles on either end to shake. Adonis hurriedly tried to catch the ones that fell off before they crashed.
"He was here," Jr. said. His voice was low, a shaky growl. He turned the full force of his blue eyes upwards toward his worried friend. "I was…"
He pressed his fists on the counter until his palms were flat against it. He was shaking slightly as his stare threatened to burn the material beneath his hands. chaos' voice was softer this time, slower, more cautious. The boy was careful not to touch Jr. though and the thought reminded him of what he had almost done to Tony. Disgusted, he pushed himself up. chaos grabbed his wrist to pull him back and Jr. was even more sickened by the fact that his free hand reflexively reached for his weapons.
"Jr…please listen to me."
The variant's stomach churned at the request but he didn't struggle. chaos took this as a sign of defeat and very gently, he coaxed Jr. back onto the stool he'd pushed himself away from.
"You were too tired to make it to the Durandal. You told me to take you to the cabin. Remember?"
"I've already said that I don't!" Jr. snapped. chaos saw through his anger and nodded apologetically.
"I'm sorry, Jr.," he said softly. "Please tell me what you do remember."
Jr. threw himself back onto the counter into his earlier position. He tried to stop the slight shaking his body adopted. His eyes seared the countertop as he took a deep breath.
"I remember…" he started, as he closed his eyes and tried to organize his memories. His silence was a long one but chaos didn't interrupt his thoughts. The older boy waited patiently for Jr. to continue.
"…I remember picking up Tony and Hammer. We came home and met you in the lab with Professor. You and I left and came here. I drank a little…I tried to walk to my room but I got kind of dizzy. I remember hearing you say something about walking me to my room and the next thing I remember…."
Jr. placed his head in his hands with a great sigh. "I don't really remember getting into the car or walking out of my room. I just remember standing at the cathedral's doors…"
Jr. slid his hands away from his face and placed them back onto the countertop. Why didn't he remember getting into the car? Why didn't he remember walking from his room to the shuttle? From the moment chaos' hand had pressed down on his shoulder everything was a blur. When he'd made it to the doors, he'd simply known. He'd known that he hadn't been able to sleep, and that chaos' words had kept his mind in a constant cycle.
The cathedral had haunted him so he went to end the haunting and when he'd pressed the doors open, when he had stepped inside, he'd found the very phantom he was looking for. So, in the end, did it truly matter how he'd gotten there? Did it really matter where he'd ended up? Jr. didn't think so. It didn't matter, none of it did. What mattered was that Albedo was alive. He was alive and he wanted Jr.
"…Jr.,"
Jr. shook his head. "No, chaos."
The boy didn't protest. Instead he leaned onto the counter, mirroring Jr.'s posture. He didn't want to answer any of chaos' questions. He didn't want to talk about it. What Jr. needed to do was go back to that cathedral, find Albedo and…
And what? Kill him?
The silence of Jr.'s thoughts weighed on him like a cement block on his back. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to explain something that didn't make sense, even to him? What was going on? He didn't say anything more and chaos didn't try to pry anything else out of him.
"I'm sorry."
His apology was sudden and the brittleness of his voice caused the silver-haired boy to turn his head over to Jr. The variant didn't turn to meet his gaze. He clasped his hands together on the counter and leaned down to rest his chin on them.
"I didn't mean to hurt Tony –er, I mean almost hurt him. I wasn't trying to I thought-…"
chaos noticed a bit of bitter humor in Jr.'s eyes before the variant closed them and sighed.
"But you're always around when someone's about to get hurt, aren't you? How do you do that? It's way too perfect."
"We were worried. You sounded…as if you were in pain."
The red head grimaced at the sentence. chaos noticed it and quickly, but smoothly, added, "I just happened to see you draw your gun in time. Tony should have known better than to stand so close to you."
Jr. unconsciously ran a hand over the back of his neck. He'd jerked away from the doctor when he'd tried to touch his chin too. Back then he'd wondered why he'd done it, why he had so viciously pulled back when he'd felt the doctor's hand on him. Now, as he felt his skin against the back of his neck and allowed his fingers to trail along his jaw did he realize why.
Albedo was always touching his chin, always lifting his jaw, always dangerously close to sinking his claws into the soft skin under his neck. He was always raising Jr.'s line of vision up to meet his. He was always staring him down, challenging him, taunting him.
How ugly is your shadow, your reflection?
"Would you believe me," Jr. started. He kept his eyes away from chaos and focused them on the wall in front of them. He took a deep breath and let it out before burying his face in his hands again. "If I told you that Albedo was alive, would you believe me?"
chaos didn't answer right away but Jr. hadn't expected him to. The thought wasn't a completely crazy one. Nothing could kill Albedo. Nothing except Jr., but maybe even that wasn't true. Maybe it had been an elaborate trick. Maybe Albedo had pulled that grand escape Jr. knew him capable of. Maybe he was driving Jr. crazy from some unknown fortress, waiting for Jr. to fall so that he could take advantage of his weakness. Maybe-
"You've been dreaming about him."
I remain your phantasmal incubus.
It had been a statement, not a question and Jr. felt his heart sink the way it had the night before. This time he didn't have alcohol to drown it with. He swallowed it just the same.
"Not exactly."
It was a confession without it being a true confession and Jr. knew chaos would see through his half-lie. The darker boy didn't call him on it.
"Last night you told me about a cathedral."
Jr.'s eyes moved away from the wall and finally settled on chaos. The older boy's gaze was averted this time. His face looked pained, as if whatever he was going to say would physically hurt him.
"I know the one you're talking about," he said finally. His gaze hardened on the wall and Jr. felt a chill run down his spine. He'd never seen that kind of look on chaos before.
"I've been there many times but the way you described it…is very wrong."
Jr. straightened himself up and turned to completely face chaos. The sinking feeling he had before was quickly turning into panic.
"What are you talking about?"
That was when chaos' eyes met Jr.'s and this time the variant visibly shivered.
"That cathedral isn't a miniature of Lost Jerusalem's. It was never built that way. Its style is a modern one."
chaos dropped his gaze again, his hardened features softened a bit as he considered finishing his explanation. When he brought his eyes back up to Jr., the variant found nothing but deep concern in them.
"It's the Glass Cathedral. You know it just as well as I do."
He did know about the Glass Cathedral. It was a famous cathedral, as well as a Foundation landmark. It was known for its intricate glasswork and even Jr. had admired its structure when it was first completed. But that couldn't be true, he couldn't have been there last night because that cathedral had been destroyed during the gnosis attack. It had been completely demolished. He knew it had been because he had personally read the reports stating the fact. He remembered. He remembered, he remembered, he remembered, he remembered.
"The cathedral you know isn't there."
No, no no. chaos was wrong. He had to be wrong. Jr. had been to the cathedral. He'd walked up those steps, he'd opened those doors, he'd walked inside. He remembered! He remembered the way the pillars morphed into the roof; the ribs and spine of a sleeping creature – the cracked altar like a broken heart. He remembered the shape of the stained glass windows. He remembered the inverted cross, the candles, the nave.
"Jr…."
Whatever expression Jr. was currently making must have been worrying chaos but Jr. didn't care. He didn't care about anything but that damned cathedral.
"Jr…"
He remembered the monster. The monster that hung upside-down. The monster that hung, bleeding and grinning with all the madness he could muster. He remembered. He remembered. He remembered!
"Jr.!"
But he was already off his bar stool. He ran through the bar toward the exit. The door had only just begun to slide open when he reached it and rather than wait for it to open, he squeezed through it sideways. He ran out of the ship and entered the Durandal's dock. He didn't stop, didn't slow down, didn't answer the buzzing communicator strapped to his belt. He turned a quick right and ran straight to the shuttle. The Realian at the shuttle gate stumbled to move out of his way. He paid no attention to the worried voice that followed after him and all but flew into the shuttle. As he turned to watch the machine's ramp lift up to become the door he saw chaos running from the Elsa. The boy turned his head left and right, called Jr.'s name, dialed his communicator again. Jr. felt his vibrate in response but he didn't move to silence it. He had been there, he knew he had. chaos had to be wrong. He just had to be.
Jr. was going to prove it.
"You're closer than you claim."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You defended him."
"He was playing by the rules. You can't put a player in the penalty box unless he's actually made a violation. That's not very fair, is it?"
Kevin didn't answer. Virgil didn't care. The Blue Testament took his usual position as he leaned against a far wall, out of Albedo's sight. He didn't need to hide and wasn't trying to but unlike Albedo, Virgil didn't enjoy watching the kid's every breath. He needed a break from the both of them.
"What is fair?"
Kevin's voice was smooth but Virgil was sure he heard the waver in it. It was a rhetorical question, more of a statement than anything else. Virgil chuckled. It was a hateful thing and gained Kevin's attention.
"Why are you in such a hurry?" He sneered from behind his mask. "She'll know soon enough and then you'll have everything you wanted."
Kevin continued his stony silence. Virgil leaned himself forward a little.
"Unless it's not her?"
Virgil could feel the glare he received as a response.
"Oh come on," Virgil sighed. He pushed himself off of his crystalline wall. He threw his arms up in an exasperated fashion and took a few steps toward the Red Testament. "Like it's a big secret. You can't hide it."
Virgil crossed his arms and nodded toward Albedo.
"Wilhelm's not your friend. He doesn't care what happens to you. Hell, he doesn't care what happens to Albedo. Can't you see it? He's practically destroying himself and it's all thanks to the permission Wilhelm gave him. He's a pawn on Wilhelm's chess board, we all are."
Kevin watched as Virgil dropped his arms to his sides. The snarky tone in his voice was gone. It had changed into something hard and cold. The Blue Testament seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing.
"You can be as jealous or envious or whatever the hell you want but if those are the kinds of gifts he gives out, I don't want any part of them."
It was true. The price Albedo was paying for his blessing was too high. He was going to either kill the kid or drive him insane. He wasn't going to get what he wanted. The rules to his game wouldn't allow it. If Albedo loved his brother the way he claimed then he would never have subjected him to this monstrous situation. Love couldn't be selfish. It didn't work that way, could never work that way. He'd destroy both of them if he kept this up. Kevin wouldn't have to lift a finger.
If he had been given that chance, Virgil wouldn't have taken it.
The Red Testament's silence wasn't a surprise. Virgil hadn't expected him to pay attention to anything he had said. When Kevin proved him wrong by speaking it really was a surprise.
"Who are you trying to convince?"
Kevin's mask turned from Virgil and moved back to Albedo's still form.
"Me or yourself?"
It was raining that morning. It wasn't a hard rain, but it wasn't a light one either. Jr. had been soaked before he had made it to the steps.
The Foundation was self-sustaining and its weather was preset to support that. If Jr. had stopped to check, he would have known that it was going to rain this morning. If Jr. had cared, he might have grabbed an umbrella. If Jr. had cared at all, he might have changed the weather. One day of missed rain wasn't going to throw the Foundation into decline.
But he didn't. Jr. didn't care about anything.
The hover car had taken him to the exact point he had been the night before. If he'd turn his head, he'd see the building Hammer had sailed into and Tony's hover bike lying dead at the end of the sector's street. He didn't have to, didn't need to because the truth was staring him in the face.
Rain pounded into the demolished top of the Glass Cathedral. The building's entire roof seemed to have caved in, as if someone had personally stomped it in until there was nothing left. The magnificent spires that had shimmered in the artificial sunlight were nonexistent. Its windows were in no better shape. Many were shattered, some of the fragments had even fallen to gather on the steps and crunched under Jr.'s boots as he made his way forward. The sliding door was stuck half open and from there the devastated insides were visible as they glistened and sparkled under the gray morning sunlight.
Jr. didn't understand. None of this made any sense. As his right boot crunched the glass on the top step his eyes shot over towards the side of the door where he remembered the plaque to be.
'Nil desperandum', it had read. Do not despair.
There was a plaque. Jr. stared at it for a moment as if to make sure his vision wasn't lying to him. It was still there? He stepped closer to it, ran his fingers over it. The words were wet and cold beneath his touch. The whole cathedral was cold and gave him the impression of an ice box. If he did not care, he might have laughed at the thought. God's house was supposed to be warm and inviting but this sanctuary was nothing but a demolished freezer intent on turning all who entered into solid blocks of ice. But he did care, and the words beneath his fingers did more to freeze the hot blooded redhead than any freezer ever could.
And fear not them which kill the body
but are unable to kill the soul;
but fear him which is able to kill both body and soul
in Hell
Jr. snatched his hand back as if he had been burned. His eyes fell straight onto the open door way and as of their own volition, his legs were carrying his body into the very place he was denying existed. The broken glass crunched and cracked under his footsteps as Jr. made his way in. There was no vestibule. There were no ribbed vaultings or broken altar. There were no candles or stained glass windows. There was nothing but broken glass and broken pews. Jr. looked up and found no cross, only the broken mechanics of a modern rood screen as the barrier flickered and sparked desperately to separate the nave from the chancel. It was beyond the screen that Jr. found a podium and behind the podium, that he found a crystalline cross.
It were as if he were in a trance. Nothing seemed real. He refused to believe that it was. It couldn't possibly be. This cathedral was his dream. He'd wake up in the one he had traversed last night, pinned under Albedo's claws and his insane smile. His legs had a mind of their own as they lead him toward the sculpture. The further he stepped, the more he began to wonder which reality he would rather have.
Jr. made his way around the podium to stare up at the cross. It was easily three times his height but could have once been taller. Jr. noticed, as his eyes landed on its top, that a few inches had been removed by whatever had made the rest of the cathedral's damage.
Maybe it was being inside of the cathedral he claimed didn't exist. Maybe it was the weak sunlight and the rain that was thoroughly soaking him, ensuring that he'd catch a cold thanks to the frozen abbey and the preprogrammed weather circuits. Maybe it was the way the water poured over the cross and slid down into its many cracks and scratches to flood the once magnificent cathedral. Whatever it was, it was the last straw. Jr.'s strength left him and he found himself on his knees before the crystal cross.
It was true. It was all true. There was no ancient cathedral. He hadn't gotten in to his hover car. He hadn't gotten out and he hadn't opened the door. He hadn't walked inside and he hadn't met his demon. He ran a shaky hand through his wet red hair. As he brought it back down the red flash of his tattoo caught his eyes. 666.
"I know what's real," he had hissed at his monster.
Jr.'s open palm closed into a fist.
"Of course," had been his response.
The rain picked up and pounded down onto the exposed cathedral's insides. Jr. didn't move. He kept his eyes on the floor where the pieces of the chipped cross had landed.
"You're not going to break me."
He'd been answered with a venomous smirk.
"Why Rubedo, you are already broken."
A/N: Oh no! It was trap! No, it wasn't a trap but it looks like Jr.'s finally starting to fall apart. Why in the world does that make me happy? I'm a sick freak! D: I admit it!
Next chapter coming up will be wrapped around the concept of one of the seven deadly sins. I bet none of you will be able to figure out which one~!
Thanks for hanging in there, guys. Hope you enjoyed it. ;P
You know how it goes:
Reviews are my muse, so inspire it up people!:D