Chapter 12

Dust to Dust

I couldn't breathe.

Of all the people to show up on my door step, it had to be Noah. Despite the loss of my memory and the uncertainty that followed me with every memory, there was nothing uncertain about the boy before me. I knew him. I knew him and he knew everything about me.

"Aren't you going to let me in?"

There was no reason for me to say no.

I nodded my head, stepping aside and holding the door open for him. He walked in with the same casualty I've seen him do a million times before. And, like always, I shut the door behind us and lead him to the living room that was so different from the one we'd spent hours together in.

Finally, I find my will to speak. "What are you doing here?"

A look of hurt crossed his features. "I can't come and visit you? I heard you were in the hospital recently."

"Oh. Yeah, I was. But I'm okay now."

"You're not happy to see me."

It was more of a statement than a question. "No, that's not it."

"Didn't you miss me?"

The words leave my lips before I can stop them. "I always do."

A smile spreads across his face; it's different from that smirk that he always plasters on when he's trying to impress. It's warm and familiar and it almost makes me melt. Almost. But then I think about Paul and the amazing date we just had and I feel conflicted. Confused.

It's the same every time. No matter what happens, what is said or done, I always find myself back here in this predicament. He'll smile that soft, gentle smile of his and gaze at me with those beautiful blue eyes and all I want to do is run back. But this time is different. This time there's Paul. The Paul that I feel so connected to – the one that makes me feel like there is no one or thing that is more important. Except maybe Noah. Or is that just an old emotion that doesn't want to disappear?

"I talked to your dad the other day. He said it would be okay if I stayed here; that you guys have an extra room."

"Huh?" My dad was as lenient as they came and I knew that he liked Noah, he always had, but letting him stay with us? "You talked to my dad?"

He nods his head as if it's nothing. "Yeah. I've talked to your dad a bunch of times since you left."

I don't know if I should feel touched that he cared so much or concerned that he's been talking to my dad about me.

"I…" I start, unsure of what to say. I'm sitting in the chair across from him, avoiding eye contact. My hands are folded in my lap and I feel stiff, but he looks as calm as ever. So sure of everything around him. "I don't know if this is such a good idea, Noah. I have a…"

I trail off. What do I have? Is Paul my boyfriend? We went on one date. I find my mind wandering with thoughts of whether or not it counts compared to the countless memories that Noah and I share.

Before I have time to delve deeper into my thoughts or before Noah has the chance to ask me what I meant, there's another knock at the door. This time I'm not so eager to get it. I slowly stand and take my time getting to the door. My hand hovers slightly over the handle for a few seconds before I force myself to open the door.

"Hey guys," I let an unsure smile out.

It's a few of the guys; Paul, Jacob and Jared. Kim's there too, an arm around Jared's as she smiles a hello.

I don't think my heart could be beating any faster. Paul is here to see me. Like I'd wanted earlier in the morning when I first woke up and the first thought in my head was him. But there's Noah, waiting in the living room and listening in, no doubt, with curiosity.

Paul steps forward from the group, enveloping me in a quick hug. For the seconds that I'm in his embrace, I almost forget everything except the way that he feels and the way that he smells. Then he pulls away and says, "Are you doing anything this morning? We were just going to go and hang at Jacob's place and we stopped by to see if you want to come?"

"You should come!" Kim says excitedly. "It'll be nice to have a little less testosterone around."

She looks so happy and so hopeful, as do the others. I'm about to say yes when I hear footsteps behind me. Before I can turn to see him, I feel his presence next to me and I feel the air around us tense.

"Who are you?"

Surprisingly it isn't Paul that's the first to speak, It's Jacob. He's got that over protective 'I'm like her older brother' look on his face and he's standing a little taller, trying to be more imposing than he already is.

Noah isn't faltered as he simply smiles and says, "I'm her boyfriend."

"EX- boyfriend," I'm quick to interrupt, but it doesn't seem to reach him.

"And who are you?" he asks.

"I'm her boyfriend," Paul says, strongly. His voice is deep and low, and I know he is trying to prove a point. His arm reaches out, protectively around my waist, pulling me close against his warm body.

Despite the challenge that I'm sure is happening between the two males, I can't help but smile at Paul's words. He called himself my boyfriend. I steal a glance at Kim who, despite the situation, looks elated and proud – like she can't wait to tell me that she knew it from the very beginning and that had I listened to her, things would have happened sooner.

"For now," is all Noah says. But it's all he needs to say to get a rise out of Paul. A low growl escapes from Paul and I almost jump at the sound.

Afraid of where things are going, I try to ease the situation. "We should go guys. To Jacob's. I'm still pretty tired and I'd really like to just relax."

My hand is resting on Paul's chest and I can feel his heart beating. The presence of my hand on his skin grabs his attention and he looks down at me, his glare softening to a sweet smile. I can't help but smile back.

"Let's go," he says, his eyes never leaving mine.

I'm the one to break the eye contact as I turn to face Noah. "You should leave, Noah. It's not a good idea for you to stay here."

Running a hand through his hair, he simply sends a soft, determined smile my way before he says, "I think I'm going to stay. You're dad said that it's okay and I'm not going to leave you again. You know how this ends, Nikki." His words are meant only for me, they feel private, yet Paul and the others listen in intently to the words as they leave his lips. "You always come back to me. We always end up together. That's how our story ends."

"You never told me about him." Paul sounds heart broken, though his voice is slightly higher than normal.

"I know… I'm sorry, Paul."

Everyone had gone into Jacob's house the moment the car pulled into his yard, leaving the two of us alone. We had walked a ways away from the house to talk in private, though it did nothing to ease the fear that I had inside that Paul would give up on me and just leave.

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you! I just… I didn't think he would show up in my life again. Once I found out we didn't live in Colorado anymore, I figured that that part of my life was done. He wasn't supposed to come back."

Paul's face flickers with anger and hurt. "He did. And you wouldn't have told me otherwise, would you?"

I can feel the anger rising inside me; an automatic response to the fear that was slowly building inside. My voice rose a little as I replied, "I was going to tell you. I was, I promise you that. It didn't seem like something was so relevant that I had to tell you now."

"He's at your house, Nikki!" Paul shouts.

"I can't do anything about that, Paul! I didn't invite him. He just showed up. And it's not like my father has a problem with it, either!"

"There's a lot that you can do. You can tell him to leave. You can talk to your dad. You can fight to have him out of your house."

I want to scream in frustration. "Not everything is that easy, Paul!"

"You're the one that's making it complicated!"

By this time, there is a growing distance between the two of us. I can feel Paul pulling away. As the anger in his voice builds, so does the distance. It's as if his body is telling me to just leave. To give up. I want so badly to pull him close. To tell him that this is ridiculous; that Noah is my past and he is my future. But none of those words come out and I can't seem to force them out.

With the most defeated look I've seen him wear, Paul takes one step away from me. "If you want to defend him so much, maybe you should be with him. Now."

His words hit me like a bullet, tearing its way through my chest. A lump sticks itself in my throat and a few tears trickle down my cheeks. I reach my hand out to grab his arm, but he pulls away before I can reach him. My hand freezes in the air before it drops to my side.

"Just go," he commands, and I can hear the heartbreak in his voice as his forces the words out.

I do the only thing I can think of; I listen to him. I take one last look at Paul, whom I feel I'll never see again, before I turn on my heels and take off running towards my house. Towards the one person that I somehow always find myself running to. It's like he's my drug; no matter how much I convince myself he's bad for me, no matter if I have someone as amazing as Paul in my life, I always find myself back in his clutches. Addicted.

On my way home, as I slow to walk, I decide that I'm not going home; where Noah and my father are probably sitting together talking about me. Instead I turn into the forest and take my time as try to calm myself.

A few minutes into the forest, I find a tree that had fallen a long time ago, just before a small patch of open grass. Defeated by everything that Paul had said, I drop myself onto the log, my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

I'm not one to cry; I get angry, I get depressed, but rarely do I find myself crying. And not once had it ever been over a guy. But the words that Paul said, though they weren't the worst, strike me to my core and the tears are falling faster than I thought possible. A few sobs escape my lips. I try to tell myself that this is nothing; that it will blow over and Paul and I will be okay. I try to convince myself that it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it and that the things he said didn't mean what I thought they meant. But none of it works. All I can think about is the defeat in his voice, the hurt, and the look in his eyes as he told me to leave.

There was something about Paul; something that seemed so different. He wasn't just anyone. He was… my sun, my air, everything that I ever needed in one person. And I had messed it up because I'd kept Noah a secret. And it wasn't that I had meant to, it just never seemed important enough to mention amongst all the craziness that had been happening.

"Nikki?"

I leap from my sitting position on the log, frantically searching for the voice that called out to me. Behind the log I had been sitting on, coming from the forest, was Noah. He'd changed into more comfortable clothes; an old t-shirt that I could remember getting him for his birthday a year or so ago and a pair of jean shorts. The shirt he wore was wet through and I looked down at myself to find in surprise that I was soaked too. I had been so much into my own world that I hadn't realized it was raining.

"What are you doing here, Noah? How did you know I was here?"

He shrugged. "I didn't. I was just taking a walk to think when I heard crying. Then I found you."

It felt uncomfortable to be under his gaze in such a fragile state, so I turned away, watching as the forest got deeper and denser and turned into nothing but a pit of darkness.

"Are you okay?"

His voice was soft and careful. I could hear the crunching of leaves as he stepped closer to me, until I eventually felt his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine." My voice was hoarse. He knew I was lying.

"You don't seem fine."

He was pushing without pushing. And there was something about Noah; who was always my friend before anything that got me to spill.

"I messed it up."

"What did you mess up," he asked sweetly. He stood at my side, gazing upon me with such a tender look as his hand rubbed up and down on my lower back, soothing me.

"I messed up everything with Paul. I kept you a secret. I didn't tell him and I didn't think It was a big deal, but it is. I'm so stupid. E-everything is over before it even had a chance to really begin." I'm babbling, but I'm having a hard time trying to stop.

"This isn't your fault, baby," He coos, 'baby' slipping from his lips so smoothly, as if we were still together.

And it bothers me.

"But I'm not your baby! I'm supposed to be his."

He's taken aback by my words, not expecting me to have that sudden outburst. Ever the optimist, Noah only shakes his head and a soft smile plays on his lips.

"Maybe Paul isn't the one."

His words send me into a fit of panic. I can feel my heart beating faster and my breaths coming out in sharper intakes. The tears that had momentarily stopped began again. My hands were wrapped around my chest, trying to keep my warm in the rain as the droplets fell faster and harder.

"You know," he began. His hand reached out, tilting my chin upwards to look him in the eyes. "Someone I hold close once told me that sometimes life doesn't give you what you want; not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more."

Slowly, he leaned forward. I froze. It was coming; just like it always had before. Noah was always the one to console me when things got rough. I would always run back to him and he'd always be waiting for me. It wasn't fair, to myself or to him. And as he leaned in closer and closer I screamed at myself to run. To break the cycle of hope and loss and hurt.

At the last second, right before his lips reached mine, my hand raised to his chest stopping him. "I'm sorry, Noah… I can't do this. Not again. We're not good together. We're toxic."

My words struck him. In the end I always hurt him, but it was better this way. End everything before things get a chance to spiral wildly out of control. I know I should just leave him standing there, but what we share is too deep and I lean forward to give him a simple kiss on his check before I turn and leave.

Before I'm out of ear shot, I look over my shoulder to see the deep frown in his eyes. But I know Noah. I know his determination and I know that this isn't were he gives up and leaves. "Please," I beg, pleading to the boy who knows me more than anyone else. "Do this for me, Noah. I'll always have a place for you in my life. It's just not the spot you want."

And with those words I'm gone, running once again. For the second time that day I'm running away from something is breaking my heart. As much as I know that Noah is not the one for me, it hurts just as much. I may not love him the way that he wants me to, but I do care for him. It was no lie when I said he'd always have a place in my life. He would forever be my best friend. The only one who'd seen me through many ups and downs; seen me break down like no one else. But he would never be Paul. And he would never hold that place in my heart. And no matter what, it would never be something I could fake.

The rain beat down on the pavement with a fierce determination as I ran down the street. It stung as it hit my bare skin, though I welcomed the feeling as it kept me grounded and in the moment. As it fell, it wiped away the tears that continued to cascade down my cheeks. By the time I reached the house, my clothes were soaked through. Shivers were running through my body and I was sure I looked like hell.

Frozen, more from fear and hope than the cold, I stared at the front door a few yards ahead of me. My legs refused to bring me any closer. There was no signs of anyone in the house other than the lights that shone brightly through the heavy rain, but I'm sure no one noticed my presence outside the house.

I managed to whisper, through tears and with a hoarse voice, "P-Paul…"

Almost instantly, as if I shouted his name across the distance, he appeared at the door. He stood, frozen in the doorway, sheltered from the pouring rain. Even with the distance between us and the blurring of my vision, I could see how worried he looked. He wore a deep frown and his shoulders were limp.

Neither of us moved. It was as if time had stopped in La Push. The only thing that moved was the rain. Then, without a second thought, Paul came running. His long legs crossed the distance in seconds, and before I knew what was happening I was enveloped in a tight warm hug. Instinctively my arms wrapped around his neck as his lifted me in the air, tightening the hug. I could feel the sobs deepening. There were no words to describe the feelings that were rushing through me.

Seconds later, he placed me back down on the ground and he gazed down at me with those soft chocolate eyes of his and a smile immediately formed on my face.

We didn't need to say anything. Standing there with Paul, as the rain rushed down on the both of us, I knew.

For the second time that day, as I stood frozen in my spot, someone I held close to me leaned in slowly. I could see the passion and the longing his eyes as he came closer. This time, I didn't retreat. My eyes fluttered shut as his lips crashed against mine and the sweet taste of Paul smacked into me with full force. His hands wrapped themselves around my waist and my hands reached around his neck, pulling his body as close to mine as I could. The embrace lasted for what felt like an eternity. When we finally pulled apart, all I could do was reflect the smile on his lips – his beautiful lips.

In the crashing of the rain I could hear him say something, though it came out as whispers to my ears. When I questioned him, shouting over the rain, wondering what he had said, he only smiled. I would have to ask him what he'd said later. His lips crashed down on mine once more before I could question him. But I didn't care anymore. I could stay like this forever; in his embrace with the rain pouring over us.

Hey everyone!
Another chapter for you guys and a little longer than the last one. I hope it's not too much packed into one. But let me know what you think! The title for this chapter came from the song 'Dust to Dust' by the Civil Wars and it played over and over in my head as the scene in the rain played out with Noah and especially with Paul.

Leave me reviews and let me know what you guys think! I need the feedback~

And next chapter, there's going to be a big secret revealed!