Welcome back to Heichou Time. Although I am a wonderful cook, I will not be the one cooking today. Lately, I've been watching Hell's Kitchen, so I've decided to do something based off of that. Today, please welcome: Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Marco, Sasha, and Connie. They will be working in teams of two to attempt, and let me put strong emphasis on the word attempt, to make decent quality food.

The teams are: Team Titan with Eren and Mikasa, Team Brony with Jean and Marco, and Team Prankster with Sasha and Connie. These teams will compete to make a dish good enough for the special prize at the end.

"Heichou?"

What is it Eren?

"What's the special prize?"

You will only figure that out if you win.

"And Heichou?"

What now, Eren?

"What do we cook?"

Do I look like I care? Anything, as long as it's edible. Teams, introduce yourselves.

"Hello, we're Team Titan. Today, we are planning to make ravioli, in honor of our Heichou."

#$%& you Eren.

"Hi, we are Team Brony and we want to make an omelette."

Didn't you make an omelette the last time you were in a cooking competition Jean?

"Yes..."

Whatever, next team introduce yourselves.

"What's up! We are Team Prankster, and we will be making bacon pancakes with a side of hash browns!"

I am so done with this already.

Your time starts...

Now.

Also in the style of the show Hell's Kitchen, I'm going to walk around and tell everyone how bad they are at cooking while cursing a lot. Since it's for ironic purposes, I am actually going to use what people would call "real" curse words. (Tch, my curse words are so much more badass.)

Let's see how Team Titan is doing.

Jaeger, you piece of shit, what is that?

"It's the ravioli sauce, sir."

My dog can make it better than you can. Look at all these big ass lumps, do you think anyone would want to eat something like this? And it's sweet. Why the hell is it sweet?

"Whoops. I think I added sugar instead of salt..."

You are hopeless. I'm going to see Mikasa's progress.

Ackerman, what are you doing?

"I'm making the ravioli pieces. Also, if you make Eren cry, I'm going to come to your house in the middle of the night and shove these up your ass. Got it shorty?"

I think it's time to check on Team Brony.

Jean, what in the sweet name of freckled jesus are you doing?

"Um, this was just a test omelette."

Well, that omelette is so rubbery, it looks like you can bounce it on the fucking floor.

Marco!

"Yes sir?"

With the way you are cutting those slices of ham, you are going to end up cutting yourself in half. Also, don't salute with the knife in your hand.

"Ah! Yes, sir!"

Ugh, this is exhausting. Why did I even do this? I guess we have to visit Team Prankster.

Sasha, what you are doing here is... Well, actually, it's not that bad.

"Thank you Heichou! I plan on winning this competition! You see, food is my life. It. Is. My. Life."

Okay, then, I'm going to back away slowly and you can keep cooking... Connie, you can learn a thing or two about cooking from Sasha! What the hell are you even doing right now?

"Sasha seems to have got this thing in the bag, so I'm making a spit ball machine out of common kitchen appliances. I figured I could shoot some at Eren and Jean once I'm done."

I was going to tell you off for being lazy, but I'll let it slide if you let me shoot some at them.

"Deal."

Okay teams, you better be plating your food, if you can even call it food, right now. You have two minutes left!

Wow. Look at them trying to plate that shit in two minutes. This is fucking hilarious.

Alright, time's up.

First, I will try the dish made by Team Titan. It's supposed to be ravioli.

The ravioli part is okay, but Eren didn't fix the sauce. Next dish.

This is from Team Brony. It doesn't even look like a freaking omelette.

Oh, look at that. It doesn't taste like one either. This is fucking horrible. By the way, I don't like ham in my omelette.

Next is Team Prankster. The hash browns could definitely be better. The pancake dough is good, but the bacon offsets this. You didn't even cook the bacon properly.

"So Heichou?"

Why are you asking so many questions Jaeger?

"Well, I just wanted to know who won."

Oh. None of you. I realized that I can cook better than all of you, so I win.

"What was the prize then?"

My respect.

Until next time. Heichou out.