Chapter 13
Loki had been surprised by the cold.
That very same cold which was the very first thing he felt in his whole life...
And yet he was in his Jötunn form again... he didn't understand. Never had he felt the bite of eternal winters before. Not until he had changed into his Aesir form. But once he was back into his normal state, everything should be as it used to be... It had to.
Yet, even his skin felt strange, as if he had a thin unknown layer of flesh that had never been his …
On the road to the capital, he had hoped that the feeling would disappear. When his Asgardian retinue left him for his Jötunn one, he had thought himself being reborn at the sight of his fellow Jötnar, with their giantness, their blueness, their tribal marks similar to his own...
Except that he had forgotten that he was still a runt. A cast-out runt married to the worst fiend ever to the Frost Giants.
Their repressed smirks, their discreet sneers, their pretended deference to their King's first born which was a cover-up for their utter contempt for the one they considered as a royal cripple and a diplomatic whore was so obvious Loki felt it like a brutal slap.
Back to reality.
He refused to acknowledge his first dreary feeling that maybe, possibly, he had made a mistake.
He knew he wasn't going to be welcome. His coming back, all things put aside would be considered as a political failure. Officially, no repudiation had been pronounced, no divorce had been publicly processed. Loki was still supposed to be "on vacation." But his situation was on hiatus. And the fact that he wasn't carrying the Royal Princess along with him to be presented to his parents' court was not a good sign.
Besides, though he recognized every rock, every icy blue mountain, every blast of wind, every frozen city they came across, even after all his time in Asgard, for once in his life, he didn't feel at home in Jötunheim.
At all.
He was devastated.
The beautiful ice Palace was exactly the same as he had left it, years ago. Loki had tears in his eyes when he recognized the gardens he used to play with as a child with his brothers. The gardens where the snow was shiny white and where he had fallen in love with...
His heart was beating too fast.
He was going to see him again. Loki felt as if his chest was going to burst with joy. He was going to see him again. They were both married and changed. A huge wall of betrayal, anger and misunderstanding was between them. But he was going to see him again. They were not the two sweet runts isolated in their muffled world of pure white and professing their love to each other. He was mad at him for having discarded him so lightly. And yet...
And yet, only one thought was on Loki's mind, helping him to ease his coming back. And unfortunately also preventing him to see the truth...
He was going to see him again. He was going to see him again. At last, at very, very long last, he was going to see him again.
Part of Loki (including Missy Prissy's voice who was deliberately jeering in the background of his mind) was telling him he was totally insane. The one whose sight he was craving like water after a drought had been a complete and utter jerk and a liar, a backstabbing slut. Maybe he had nothing to do with the invasion of the fortress, he had nothing to do with Loki being sold away to Thor and Asgard. Maybe...
Deep inside, Loki knew Angrbodr was the reason why he couldn't feel anything for Thor, why he couldn't love the child his husband gave him.
Because, no matter how much he claimed hating the man, he was still haunted by him.
And he was going to see him again.
Loki was overwhelmed by the sight of these beloved halls, the tall columns and transparent walls that decorated his sire's throne room. He spotted the little corner where him and his brothers used to play with puppets and plush toys and pretend to be warriors carrying swords made out of wood. He felt tears in his eyes when he recognized a very old Jötnar scholar that used to be his professor in ancient literature and diction. The poor dear soul had turned senile at 45000 years old and was now sitting on his chair on the far end of the room with the other elderly, drooling and mumbling an incomprehensible litany. Such a brilliant mind back to infancy and cast out with the other Jötunn who were too old now to be of any use.
Loki had a terrible shiver down his spine. What about his own future ? His professor had been once one of the most respected amongst the elite of Jötunheim and now he was just a forgotten shadow...
So, what of Loki ? He was a prince, an (almost) king, a scholar and a mighty sorcerer. But none of these things protects you from the inevitable. Age and decay gave you nothing left to hope for.
Loki's dark musings were stopped by the sight of two younger Jötnar coming to the old professor's side. Probably his grandchildren or great grandchildren. They respectfully swiped his drool and comfortably set him back in his chair. They showed so much care and tenderness for their relative (that didn't even acknowledge them as he was lost into his dream world) that Loki was about to cry. At least, the old man was not on his own. He had people who loved him and watched for him.
Loki realized he was on the highest social rank compared to his professor but he had no one by his side.
Even though he was back in his home world, his family, he was on his own, totally on his own...
This dreary thought was interrupted by a joyous cry and sounds of running feet.
"Elder brother !"
An almost adult Jötunn ran to Loki and embraced him, almost choking him in the bargain.
Býleistr. He had grown so much Loki had not recognized him at once. He had left the childish white fabric garments, young Frost Giants use to wear, for leather one that matched his warrior status. His baby fat was totally gone, replaced by well-toned muscles and his markings on his face were fresh, meaning that he had just performed and succeeded his coming-of-age trial and ceremony.
Loki's feelings while being hugged were contradictory. On one side, he was moved by seeing his darling baby brother so grown, the only one he had missed the most.
On the other, he was dying to slap the noisy brat and demand what the Hell was going on between Thor and him.
But now was not the time for confrontation and he hugged back, holding back tears that were as emotional as they were angry and kissed his brother fondly and, deep down, sincerely. The sight of Býleistr was his first comfort since he had left Asgard.
While Býleistr was happily chatting, Loki remarked a rather chubby and stern looking Frost Giant that he immediately recognized. It was Helblindi, Loki was sure of it, always sulking and silently judging everyone and everything. Contrary to Býleistr he had not changed that much except that now he wore the golden circle of the Royal Heir on his brow, that same golden circle that Loki used to wear in a smaller version.
And Loki had a hunch that Helblindi was not going to let it go, not without his life and certainly not to his Aesir Whore of a brother...
The two siblings exchanged a nod and civilities that meant nothing to them. Loki had always been closer to Býleistr than Helblindi, this spoiled brat of their dam that resented Loki so much. For if Býleistr looked genuinely happy to see Loki again, Helblindi was clearly irritated by his coming back. If Loki didn't know that Helblindi was not the brightest ice peak in the whole iceberg, he would have thought that he had been part of the plot to get rid of his elder brother.
Or had he ?
Loki was speaking with his two brothers and making up for lost time, as politely and coolly as possible.
He was dying to ask Helblindi about Angrbodr but he knew it was a bad idea. He was not in the same hurry to see his sire and most of all, his dam. He was dreading the inevitable discussion about his unexpected return.
Loki heard the sound of the royal horns that usually announced that the King had left his private quarters with his Royal Consort and was entering the halls.
Loki saw his sire coming up the grand entrance. He had aged a bit but he was still as scary as Loki remembered him from a young age. Right next to Laufey was his mate, Farbauti, Loki and Helblindi's dam.
Loki had respect for his sire, he felt awe and maybe a hint of love for him even if he was a cold individual. His dam was another problem. Farbauti had always tried his best for Loki in a way. He had not left him in a temple to die as many would have in his place.
But deep down Farbauti would never forgive Loki for being a runt and, by being born as such, having thrown a rumor of degeneracy in Farbauti's lineage. Rumor that was only muffled by the coming of Helblindi. Helblindi might be a pretty decent warrior prince, he remained a bratty moron for all asunder.
Loki always had the impression that Farbauti resented him for all of this, though none of his runtness or his brother's stupidity was his responsibility. Farbauti had pampered his second son and neglected the other two. Farbauti never forgave Laufey for giving birth to a more suitable heir and their relationship had strained over the centuries. Farbauti had a tendency to make people responsible for everything that didn't work his way.
The thought gave goosebumps to Loki. It was déjà-vu...
Seeing his sire's dignified mask of neutral royalty and his dam's severe grimace, seeing how cold and distant they were to themselves, to their people and to their own children, Loki started to suspect things about himself...
How could he love his daughter when his own dam never showed much love for him ?
How could he love his husband when his own parents seemed to barely stand each other ?
How could he love and trust anyone at all since the only one he had trusted and adored had traded him for a crown without even batting an eyelash ?
Loki was shaken by this flash piece of news in his mind but he had to focus on his sire's speech. He knew that here came the lecture.
Fortunately, Laufey contented himself with the usual welcoming chitchat. He went with the official diplomatic reason, honoring his royal son the Great Consort of Asgard, dam of the Royal Heir. Loki knew then that there would be no mention of his current separation with Thor. And no mention of his future in Jötunheim either...
While speeches were made and ceremonies were performed, Loki surveyed the whole room, in search for familiar faces. He smiled for having recognized one of his nannies that shyly answered his smile, some of his former friends and trusted servants. He was not entirely on his own but he didn't really feel at home. It was as if he was a stranger now to their eyes. Gone was the former easiness between him and them. It made Loki want to cry. He hoped that it was only an impression made by the sullenness of the situation but he didn't hope for much...
Still scanning the room, Loki finally remarked someone that had been standing behind his dam for a while.
He was a Jötunn runt, and brilliantly dressed. Loki was surprised for he thought he knew all of the runts living at court. You could count them on one hand, not including Loki and Angrbodr.
At first, he thought this was a member of his dam's retinue, maybe the steward or the main chamberlain. Or a favorite of his dam. All of this seemed dubious to Loki for Farbauti hated runts with a vengeance since Loki's birth. This one had to be particularly important. He was even imitating Farbauti in his attitude and "joyous" expressions to the point it was a bit ridiculous.
Then the unknown runt put his hand to his hair without thinking to push an annoying strand back behind his ear. A gesture Loki had seen several times...
That was how Loki knew that the runt was no one but Angrbodr himself.
He had been there, behind Farbauti, the whole time and Loki had seen him without recognizing him at once...
He hadn't made any sign to Loki either...
In fact, once the first shock was passed, Loki couldn't believe this was his once-beloved Angrbodr. This runt was so stiff, so stern, so severe... He was pursing his lips while staring at the crowd as if he was better than anyone else here. He kept an affected, reserved behavior that might seem regal with Farbauti but only looked pretentious and conceited with him.
Gone was the softness, the tenderness of Angrdodr's features. Gone was the simplicity and elegance of his usual attire. And gone was the malicious light in his eyes, this same light that used to make Loki's heart melt on the spot.
Looking closely, Loki could perceive that the shape of the mouth, of the eyes, the form of the face and the braids on his hair were exactly the same but as if blurred by Angrbodr's vainglorious self-consciousness.
Loki tried in vain to summon his memories of the one he loved so dearly, the one whose face he sometimes summoned while being with Thor and was ashamed to do it. And it was as if he was thinking about a relative, a brother of the sullen creature next to his dam but not said sullen creature at all...
"Now, aren't we learning a little lesson, right now ?"
Missy Prissy... Loki could cried out in frustration. The damn voice chose its moments well...
"Aren't we starting to see the world as it really is and not as we want it to be ?"
Loki wanted to scream. Luckily, the voice disappeared as fast as it had come.
The rest of the festivities were rather tedious to everyone. But Loki felt he has fallen in Hell.
He tried to avoid Angrbodr. He tried to stay close to Býleistr and not to talk to anyone. He was not fit to act normal in a casual conversation when everything around him was just crumbling.
When everything he had known and loved was revealed to be a scam.
"You look pale, Older Brother..."
Býleistr gently touched his arm. It was hard to hide anything from him. He had a tendency to see what was invisible to others.
"I am tired by all of this, that's all."
Loki tried to smile but his brother wasn't to be fooled. Loki didn't feel like demanding explanations from him right now. He just wanted to lie down and sleep till Ragnarok came.
"Do you wish to have a drink and rest in my room ? I think our parents will be busy with the rest of the evening and Helblindi and Angrbodr..." Býleistr bit his tongue. He had seen Loki cringe at the mention of their brother-in-law's name. "I mean... They will act as hosts so they will barely notice we're not present."
Loki simply nodded and followed his brother through the corridors.
He was finally warming up to the fire. He felt a little better. Býleistr had poured them wine and it went down Loki's throat like a real comfort. It dulled his pain and shock and enabled him to be calm at last and to think rationally.
Býleistr respected his silence for a while but he still had things to say. He put his cup on the table and took a deep breath, as if he was going to plunge in deep troubled waters.
"Sire and Dam had a huge fight after your departure. Dam was not happy about Helblindi being king, as you can imagine. "
Loki could well imagine Laufey screaming at Farbauti and Farbauti barking at him like an angry dog. If Loki was to be out of the way, Laufey would have preferred the child he had given birth to instead of the one he had sired. Farbauti was the only one in this whole realm to wish for his brat to be on the throne... Well second only to Angrbodr, probably...
"But Dam had to give up. He could not prevent Helblindi from being crowned heir without provoking a damage to our laws about the line of succession. You know how it would have been."
Loki did know. Total chaos would have occurred if Laufey would have passed his youngest before his next-in-line. A civil war was not something he wished for...
"Angrbodr made the whole difference and helped the pill to pass. You know that he has Dam and Sire's trust..."
Loki raised an ear. No, he never knew actually. He had no idea Angrbodr was that much favored. As a runt and not a royal one, he would have had no more consideration than with a servant...
"How could that be ?" asked Loki. "Laufey might have recognized his intelligence but I hardly see Farbauti giving him the time of the day..."
Býleistr sighed. It was as if he carried a dreadful weight. Loki realized that his brother might have known and guessed more than Loki thought he could. He felt as if he was going to hear his own story from a different point of view.
"True enough but you are forgetting that Angrbodr is the eldest son of our chief steward and Farbauti and him had been friends for years..."
"Not to mention that Angrbodr's family is one of the richest in this realm..." Loki bitterly added. "If not the richest..."
Loki remembered that as though Laufey trusted his Chief Steward for many things, he remained aware that the man had the financial means to trigger a coup and take his throne...
"Indeed. But, Loki, you never really knew Angrbodr, how slippery he was, how sleazy and tricky... To you, he was perfection but I knew he wasn't to be trusted..."
"Tell me about it..." Loki growled more in self-disgust than anger against Býleistr.
But Loki realized something. Thor had told him he loved him countless times on countless occasions.
Angrbodr had never said he loved Loki. Not even once.
"When he came to court, he was already working his way to our parents. You never were aware of it but they dreaded your relationship with him. You already know that Farbauti wanted you out of the throne and Dam... Well, Dam loves you but he fears for his kingdom."
"Does he now..." Sighed Loki. It wasn't much of a surprise but it still hurt. He knew his sire loved him but Jötunheim came first. He couldn't really blame him...
"The idea of two runts on the throne... Sorry..." Býleistr blushed indigo. Loki gestured him not to mind and to go on. "Well, it made them sick but they let things go because they needed to have Angrbodr's sire's good will. So, I didn't really know what they were hoping or waiting for or planning..."
"And then, the war came..." Added Loki, wanting to get to the point.
"Yes." Býleistr pursued. "But it would be insanely twisted if our parents had provoked it only to get rid of you..."
"But it is a possibility." Murmured Loki. "They are capable of it..."
"Well, we'll never know, now ? Will we ?"
An uncomfortable silence followed.
"Anyway." Resumed Býleistr. "Off you went as an hostage with our most dangerous weapon... Dam wanted to set a plan that would get you back with the Casket but Angrbodr and Sire came with an idea that didn't seem stupid at the moment. Farbauti thought that you had lied about the Casket precisely so that it could be introduced in the very heart of Asgard. According to Angrbodr, you were ready to destroy this realm and all of our enemies by yourself."
"They were right. I planned to."
"I assumed you did at the time. Dam was against it but Farbauti and Angrbodr convinced him to go with the flow..."
It was a relief to Loki knowing that at least Laufey tried to do something for him. Curiously his brother started to stare at the floor, as if ashamed.
"Except that they both had another plan. They saw Thor's interest in you. Not that it wasn't obvious. But no one would have thought in a million years that he would officially ask for your hand. I think they have both foreseen it... That was why everything went so fast after Thor proposed to you..."
Loki received a bad blow in his stomach. So, that was what really happened...
Angrbodr did sell him too after all...
Loki briefly fought the need to vomit but this time he was stronger. Nothing could hurt him more than that so he had nothing to fear anymore.
"They decided to leave the Casket to you and not claim it back because Dam still hoped that you'll try to fight your way to home. But time passed and our letters came unanswered. Farbauti started to think you had settled quite comfortably with your new life and didn't want anything to do with us anymore. I thought you were being held prisoner because you didn't want Thor. I was so worried... I didn't know what to do..." Býleistr seemed close to tears. "So, I wrote to Thor."
Loki held his breath.
"I was terribly worried so I send a crow and begged him to give me news that I could trust. He told me that you were mad against us all and refused to talk to anyone. That you were miserable and that it was all his fault." Býleistr chuckled. " It was a very confused letter but also very sweet. I knew then that he was genuinely found of you and would care for you."
Loki grumbled. "He forced me into this marriage and I was forced to have his child and you still give him excuses ?"
"I am not. But I want you to know how he really felt... Really feels."
Býleistr put out a lead casket from his closet. He opened it and it was full with letters in various stage of aging. Some were dating a bit but other were fairly recent. Thor's letters to Býleistr. All of them and quite a bunch. The both of them had been writing rather largely for quite a time.
"Brother-in-law and I became friends..." Býleistr explained. "He told me what was going on and I gave him advice..."
Loki was amazed. He never thought that Thor could be the epistolary type. That also explained the sweet ideas he had to please Loki. Some must have been suggested by Býleistr.
Loki went through the letters. They were not in timely order but Loki could discern how the relationship started. One of the older letters said :
"I love him so much. I am obsessed by him. And yes, I demanded to marry him without having tried to win his heart first. I really thought it would come after... Mother says I don't think enough before acting... I guess she's right but no use crying over spilled milk. How can I make him at least SEE me ?"
Another :
"Things are a little better. We're friends... I think. But we are not lovers. Not really. He is so fascinating and unsettling at the same time, it is hard to understand him... If only he would trust me a bit but I doubt that will come..."
Another, visibly written after the wedding was rather short and telling :
"I am the happiest man in the Nine Realms."
For some reason, it made Loki want to cry.
Several others were trivia about daily life and Thor's happiness with Loki. The tone became nervous during Loki's pregnancy and the trials it brought. Thor was obviously sad and anxious :
"He doesn't want that child. I am sure of it. What to do ? I feel guilty for getting him into this situation with an innocent babe in the bargain ! My only hope is for our child to be born and Loki to be happy seeing it."
Some letters after, it went from anxiety to angst. Then, horror... :
"He has changed since the birth of Wynn. He is hiding things, I know it ! He has that weird look, that look so void and angry... That same look he had when I stupidly let him hold that damn Casket of yours. He wanted to kill me then, now that you have told me about the blasted thing, I know that much... What can I do to make him back to normal ? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ?!"
On this part, that last phrase had been written with so much stress that the quill had torn the paper. The letter went on :
"There our Wynn to consider, there's my kingdom and my people... But there's my heart too and it belongs to Loki."
The sweetness of those last words didn't reach Loki who was considering only one thing.
Loki raised his head to his brother.
"You told him about the Casket ?"
Býleistr didn't look that much proud.
"You told him that he had our only way of defending ourselves into his hands, you told him I tried to use it on him and the rest of that wretched realm, you told him..."
Loki was literally choking.
"WHAT ARE YOU ?! INSANE ?!"
Býleistr snapped. "If trying to bring peace between our realms, our families and your marriage is insanity then YES, I AM !"
"How dare you ?!"
"Look." Býleistr went calmer. "Thor had to be enlightened. He swore on the Norns to keep it a secret. That's how he learned that you had not the heart to kill him or hurt anyone. That was how he knew how good and bright you could be. As long as he has the Casket, we will remain in truce. Can't you see ? You know how the saying goes, 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' The fact that you spared his life proved our good will and that he could trust you ! He saved us from another of the Scourge's attack because he knew we couldn't defend ourselves properly !"
Loki wasn't aware of that, yet he was still mad at his brother for telling and lying in the same time...
Loki scoffed and went back to the letters with a look to Býleistr that clearly meant it wasn't over...
But the last letters were as upsetting as the rest :
"He has left. He is gone. He has abandoned us. If it was revenge he wanted, it is well and truly done. What am I going to do ? What am I going to do ? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ?"
Loki stared at the damned piece of paper.
"I didn't answer to the last one because I had no idea what to tell him." Býleistr hesitated. "I thought maybe that you would want to answer yourself..."
Loki had a hard time controlling his tears.