A soft tapping noise flitted through my ears. I groaned, trying to pry my eyes open. Next to me, I felt a flurry of movement. Before I could even register what was happening, Jacob's russet form was silently darting to my window. He spared me a cheeky smirk, before he threw it open, and heaved himself over the frame. I bolted upright, last night coming back to me in a jumbled array of images.
"Bella?" my bedroom door creaked open. I took a deep breath, trying to arrange my face into a nonplussed expression. Yikes, close call, I thought to myself. I had no idea Jacob had fallen asleep with me last night. It made my stomach squirm with a strange sort of pleasure. I suddenly wished I had been a little less out of it. It would have been nice if I had actually been cognoscente enough to enjoy the experience.
"Yeah, dad?" I pushed my blankets off; my room was really, really hot. I cast a worried glance to the window - hopefully the cool morning air could regulate the temperature a bit.
"How are you doing, kid?" He leaned in my doorway, not yet dressed for the day. I shrugged and shook my head.
"I don't know, okay I guess."
"Well," he looked me over, "I guess you look a little better. Did you have another nightmare, or something?"
"Uh no, why?" I smoothed my hair back.
"You looked a little geared up, I guess," he shrugged. "Renee called. She's catching an early flight; she'll be getting here late."
"Mom's coming here?" I asked.
"Yeah," Charlie raised an eyebrow at me. "She wants to make sure you're okay." Oh, of course.
"Great," I tried to sound happy, "I miss mom."
"Alright, well," he didn't finish, but turned around and disappeared into the bathroom. I stood upright, the last 72 hours washing over me like a tidal wave.
Jacob was alive! My heart skipped a beat, and warm butterflies erupted in my stomach. He was alive. But the baby . . .
I clicked my teeth together, my eyes lowering to my midriff. A hollow sorrow washed over me, and I stroked my lower abdomen, taking a deep breath.
It all came back to me quickly. Carlisle was standing next to me in the brightly lit hospital room, looking sympathetic.
"It wasn't your diet, or lack of sleep, Bella," he had said in a gentle voice. "Likely, the miscarriage was caused by extreme stress." A dull, thudding noise beat in my ears. "It's perfectly understandable," his cold, marble hand rested on my shoulder. "You've been through some very severe trauma. You cannot hold yourself responsible."
But I did hold myself responsible. I had been to weak too protect our child; too selfish, too worried, and I hadn't been able to control my emotions. Now our baby was . . . gone. Dr. Cullen had given me a small, purple pamphlet before I'd left. Tucked neatly inside was a square, white business card for a local therapist, and a few numbers of other doctors and resources. The little prepared packet made me squirm. It plainly told said that I wasn't the only one who had ever dealt with this. But, I still couldn't forgive myself; I was weak, I had failed our unborn child.
I got to my feet, and made my bed. The room had cooled, finally. Frowning, I went and closed my window. Jacob normally ran hot, but I'd never noticed him changing the temperature of an entire room before. I grabbed my clear, plastic cosmetic bag filled with my toiletries, and went off to the bathroom. My reflection looked back at me steadily. My insides might be crumbling with grief over the loss of the baby, but my face looked normal. It wasn't haggard, or flushed, or weary - it was plain-Jane, smooth and almost healthy looking. I washed and brushed, sweeping my hair back into a loose ponytail gathered around my neck. I shuffled back to my room, slipping on a pair of faded blue jeans and a lightly colored, plaid button up. The normalcy felt good. I realized, with a pang, that all I ever wanted was simple, normal days. My connection with the supernatural made that an impossible wish. I tidied my room a bit, and started down the stairs for breakfast.
I would be insistent, from now on, that no matter what happened, I'd take care of myself. My stupid frailty had cost me too much this time. I would learn to be stronger, I would learn to harden to the world around me; nothing like this could ever, ever happen again.
Before I could pour myself some cereal, there was a firm knock on the front door. I set the bowl on the counter, and swept off to answer it. Jake was standing outside, my favorite smirk playing across his lips.
"Morning, Bells," he wrapped his hot arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. "Sorry about that," he murmured in my ear. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"No," I breathed, my pulse quickening, "don't be. I just wish I had been a little more with it last night." I looked up, smiling shyly at him.
"Me too," he sighed. "I'm glad I parked my car around the side of your house. I don't think Charlie noticed." His voice was very low, it didn't carry. "Are you okay?" He stepped back, studying me carefully. I sighed, and bit my lip.
"No," I said finally. "I'm not. Jacob, I'm so- so sorry. I really screwed up, if I had been-"
"Stop." It wasn't a request, but a command. Jacob pushed his hair from his eyes, shaking his head. "Don't be stupid, Bells. You've got to knock off this whole guilt thing. There wasn't anything either of us could have done, okay? And beating yourself up is kinda what lead to all the stress in the first place." I felt my forehead crease. He was right, completely right. This was part of my problem. And I wanted to be different, badly.
"Okay," I nodded. I could do this. I could learn to be stronger. "Be patient with me, Jake. I want to change." He smiled, his white teeth made all the more brighter by his beautiful, reddish hued skin.
"What are you talking about? Bells, I love you just the way you are. But, damn honey, you do beat yourself up. You're like the guilt-champ of the Olympic Peninsula."
"I know," I shook my head, "that's what I mean. I don't want to be this way, I want to be . . . better, somehow." Jacob's hands slid down my sides. He bent over, and gave me a long, burning kiss. I stood up on my tiptoes, my arms around his neck. A smoldering fire was flickering in my chest. "Whatever will make you happy, honey." Jacob sighed, and quickly straightened, taking a step back. I heard footsteps come to the door.
"Morning Jake," Charlie's voice was right behind me. I felt my cheeks tinge a bit. "We've got food kid, if you wanna eat something." I whirled around so fast, my neck cricked.
"He can come in?" I asked uncertainly. Maybe they had made amends at some point. I realized, with a start, that they had been getting along pretty well last night, too. I'd been so out of it, I hadn't even noticed.
"Well, yeah," Charlie gruffed, retreating from the doorway. I looked back at Jacob, he was smiling.
"We patched things up yesterday," he told me.
"Oh good," I was relieved. I had worried this would turn into another Edward situation. My insides cinched up when I thought of his name. I may have been furious with Edward for what he'd done, but it was still hard to comprehend that he was gone. I pushed the feelings away.
"Alright Bells," Jake gently prodded me, "I'm hungry." I smiled, and allowed myself to be walked to the kitchen.
"Oh," I said, as I poured Jacob cereal in one of our biggest mixing bowls, "my mom will be here tonight. You want to meet her, right?"
"Yeah," Jake enthused as I set his bowl in front of him.
"I'll let you know when she gets in. It's suppose to be sometime late."
"Excellent," he dug in to his food. I smiled a little. It was exciting to think that they would finally get to meet.
We finished breakfast pretty quickly. Jake had cleaned us out of two different types of cereal. I made a mental note to go pick some more up at the store later. I noticed, with a twinge of worry, that Jacob was perspiring slightly. I stilled, nonchalantly feeling the air in the room. It was very warm, but only in here. The rest of the house had seemed pretty normal.
"Man, I'm roasting," Jake complained, standing up.
"I noticed," I washed our bowls, eying him with concern. "You feeling okay?"
"Yeah, Bells, no worries," he said. He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss, smiling. "It's probably all this time I've been spending inside. I'm an outdoors kinda guy, you know." I nodded,
"Well, maybe you should shift, go take a run or something." Charlie had already left for work. He'd been missing a lot of it lately.
"I think I will," Jacob pulled me closer to him. I smiled, reaching to turn off the taps on the sink. "Course, maybe you're the one causing it." I chuckled,
"Yeah, I have the strange ability to control your body temperature," I rolled my eyes.
"Seems like you do," he told me. His lips where on mine, fiercely moving. I let my eyes slip shut; fire was running rampant through my veins. He was a little more aggressive than usual, but I didn't mind. His hand traveled slowly down my arm, coming to rest on my hand. I felt his fingers smooth around the ring he had given me. He stopped suddenly, looking down at me very seriously.
"You still wanna marry me, Bella?" he asked. I bit my lip,
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" His face seemed to glow.
"I figured, since . . . you know . . ." he took a deep breath. "It would just be understandable, if you wanted to wait, for now." I felt the corner of my mouth pull up.
"Well, maybe not I'm not ready to go get married, you know, tomorrow, or something," I told him carefully. "But I can't live without you, Jake. And I never will, ever again." He beamed, his eyes slipping closed for a moment.
"Damn, it's like I'm having the best dream," he sighed, "I never wanna wake up from this, Bells."
"Lucky you're not sleeping," I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. It made me warm, seeing how happy he looked. But there was a sort of tension between us; I knew we both felt that little missing piece. I sighed; it would be a long time before it didn't ache so fiercely.
Jacob had been trying very, very hard to hide his grief. And I knew it was for my sake. But, he underestimated how well I could read him. I could detect the sorrow behind his eyes, could feel it seeping out when he breathed, and could hear it in the tightness of his voice - I supposed we were both trying to be strong for each other.
"Ugh, I've definitely got a bad case of cabin fever," he admitted, releasing my hips.
"Go," I waved my hand, "go run and stuff." He gave me a wolfish sort of grin.
"Alright, honey. I'll come back, soon." He gave me a short, sweet kiss, and practically jogged for the door. I could hear him starting his car. He probably wanted to get it back to La Push, and take off from there.
As soon as I was sure that Jacob was well on his way home, I went upstairs and pulled out that purple pamphlet again. I stared at it as I grabbed the phone. This was apart of taking care of myself. I carefully dialed the numbers, and set an appointment to see the therapist.
I was determined to keep my sullenness at bay as I went about cleaning the house. I distracted myself with scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping down counters, sinks, and mirrors. The rhythmic motions and familiarity of the tasks did ease my tension some. But, there was only so much to do. The house was quickly spotless, and I panicked, scrambling for another task. I settled on the couch with a book, and turned the TV on. The noise was soothing. I button mashed through a few channels, finally settling on an old black and white movie that I recognized to be, "The Wolf Man." The irony wasn't lost on me. Smiling slightly, I started reading, letting the actors lines wash over me in the background. My attention was drawn to the screen, when the gypsy in the movie gave her famous line to the main character.
"'Even a main who is pure of heart, and speaks in prayer by night, may become a wolf, when the wolfsbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright.'" A chill ran down my spine. I'd always loved that quote.
At around five, I got up and started dinner. From what Charlie had said, it sounded like my mom would in much too late to eat with us, but I still wanted to cook. I was just about to start boiling some chicken, when there was a tentative knock on the door. Surprised, I left the meat in the sink, and went to answer it.
The devil himself could have been outside, and I would have been less astonished. Leah Clearwater was standing outside my door, chomping at her bottom lip.
"Uh, hi Leah," I said breathlessly. She frowned up at me, and started rapidly pacing on the small stoop. Finally, she stopped, heaving a deep breath.
"I wanted to say, that I'm . . . really sorry about . . . the baby." Each word seemed to be a struggle for her. I smoothed my face, and nodded slowly.
"Yeah . . . um, thank you," I replied evenly.
"Look," she suddenly burst, her beautiful brown face creased with consternation. "I know that I've been a huge asshole to you." Her hands rung together, but she seemed more frustrated than anxious. "I just hated you, for what you where doing to Jake. He's had a bad time of it already, you know?" I nodded. "So, if you were only in this because of the baby, don't screw with him. Be upfront and honest. The kid doesn't need any more hell from you."
"It isn't just about the baby," I said slowly, "I want to be with Jacob."
"Good," she snapped. "Because, I couldn't take seeing him like that. None of us could." I looked at her carefully.
"You guys do have a right to be upset with me, I was completely awful to him, before."
"Don't be all repentant," she cut me off, "just know that if you leave him, you're pretty much dead to the pack. And . . . I am sorry, that you guys lost your baby." I chewed my cheek.
"I don't mean to be rude," I said, "but, I never would have thought you'd care, about our baby, I mean."
"Yeah, well - Jake was really stoked. And, I can't have any, so I guess I understand some of what you're going through." she muttered. I felt a stab of sympathy for her. Poor Leah. She was so . . . tough, about everything, but I realized how hard it must be for her. There were so many other happy couples around her; she had no one. And not being able to have kids . . . that must have been awful.
"I'm not looking for your sympathy," she snarled. I tried to clear the look from my face, but she must have known what she'd just revealed to me, because she looked angry with herself.
"Look," she started again, her hands balled into fists, "just stop screwing with Jake, okay? If you're going to stick around this time, cool. If not . . .well, be honest with him. Because it's really selfish to string him along." I nodded.
"I want to be with him," I repeated softly. She gave me a tight nod.
"Good," she turned on her heel, and started off down the sidewalk. I watched her disappear around the corner, unable to feel anything but an overwhelming sympathy for her. Her snarling, tough demeanor was just a defense mechanism. Underneath it all, Leah Clearwater was like any other woman.
Charlie came home, looking exhausted. I set a bowl of chicken and dumplings in front of him, frowning.
"Everything okay?" I asked, sitting across from him.
"No," he muttered, taking a deep breath. "All my paperwork was backlogged, and my deputies hardly did a damn thing while I was gone. I had to go through about a week's worth of tickets and reports before I could even get my stuff started."
"I'm sorry dad," I murmured. He looked stressed out.
"No problem," he shrugged, shoveling down spoonfuls of food. "I gotta go back to work though. I only stopped in for dinner."
"Oh," I said, "that's okay dad. I can go get mom from the airport."
"That would be great," he'd already cleaned his bowl.
"Take some with you," I said, getting to my feet. I grabbed out plastic container and scooped another heaping serving into it, snapping the lid of the top. Charlie accepted it gratefully.
"See you later," he said, heading back out the door.
"Bye, dad," I called after him. I sat down and slowly finished my meal, the silence in the house overbearing.
I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. The TV blared in the background. I was getting a little worried that I hadn't heard from Jake yet. Normally, he didn't like to be away from me for more than a few hours, if he had any choice. I immediately shook the thought away. He'd been cooped up for days; he was probably just enjoying a good run through the woods, and had lost track of time. And, I realized, just like I had been scrubbing and cooking, to suppress my depression over the baby, Jake was out there, doing the same thing. It made sense, both of us taking some time to get through it in our own way.
But as the clock ticked closer to me having to leave, I got a little more anxious. Breaking down, I tried calling his house. The phone rang and rang. I bit my lip. They're just busy, I shook my head. Stop being stupid. I sighed. Renee might have to wait until tomorrow to meet Jacob. I pocket my keys and slipped on my heavy raincoat. It was a typical gale outside. I threw up my hood to protect my hair from getting frizzy, and warmed up my truck. I hoped my mom didn't mind a long ride to her hotel.
The drive to Port Angeles was slow. I was glad I had left so early; I didn't want to leave my mom waiting in this kind of weather. I carefully followed the signs for William R. Fairchild International Airport, keeping to the far right of the lanes. My truck vibrated when I pushed 55, and the roads around here had much higher speed limits posted. Finally, I emerged into the narrow pick up line for United flights. Renee was standing outside of gate C. She waved enthusiastically when she could distinguish me in my huge truck.
"Wow, some ride!" She exclaimed. I helped her cram her luggage around her feet. It would get soaked in the back. "Hi baby!" Her voice was a mix of happiness and sorrow. I threw my arms around her, both of us hugging each other a little awkwardly through our heavy jackets. "Well," she sighed, leaning back, "I would offer to drive, but I don't think I could handle this bad boy." I smiled,
"Yeah, my truck takes some getting use to," I said.
"Is this the one Charlie got for you?"
"Yep," I nodded, slowly pulling out into traffic.
"Well, it's got a good personality," Renee said, her eyes darting around the interior. I felt the corners of my mouth lift. Only Renee would think a vehicle could have personality. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry you lost the baby. I rushed down here figuring you'd really need me to help you through it, but you seem . . .okay." I nodded slightly, focusing on merging back onto the highway.
"I guess, I don't know, I guess I'm just relieved I didn't loose Jacob, too," I murmured.
"What happened to Jacob?" my mom asked immediately. I bit my lip. Right, she hadn't been told about that part. And how was I suppose to explain that he'd nearly died, but was now miraculously on his feet, unscathed?
"He was pretty sick," I settled for a half-truth. "The doctors weren't really sure what was wrong. But, he managed to recover."
"Oh Bella," my mom breathed. "Oh baby, things are so hard for you up here. I wish you'd come back home." I glanced quickly at her,
"I am home, mom," I said quietly. "I love Forks."
"Oh, you know what I mean," she waved her hand. "I miss you! And Phil does too."
"How is Phil?" I asked, taking the chance to change the subject. Without further prompting, my mother launched into a long explanation about his injury, and how he was getting along in physical therapy. I listened to her voice, not really hearing the words. I had missed my mother, a lot.
"You wouldn't believe some of those doctors, oh my goodness! No common sense, none at all. Do you know they don't even know what healing chakra's are? But it's okay, I've gotten some really good books about it, and I've been making sure that I've got it covered. I think it's actually working, because he seems to be recovering much more quickly then I would have thought. Oh honey, it's a right off this exit. I'm staying at the Pine Inn just outside of town." I shook my head out of my daze, and carefully drove onto the exit ramp, following my mother's vague instructions until I finally spotted her hotel.
"So when do I get to meet him?" my mom asked. I was helping her haul her luggage up the stairs.
"Tomorrow," I told her. "He had some other stuff to do tonight." Apparently.
"Oh, well he better be focusing on recovering," Renee said. "I should get some crystals for him too, maybe it'll help him." I bit back a smile.
"Yeah," I agreed. My mom swiped her key card and pushed into her room. I helped her get her stuff squared away. There was a tiny, 24 hour restaurant right across the street. We walked there, and I sat with my mom while she got something to eat. We whiled away some time, catching up. I reached across the table to grab a packet of sugar for my tea. Renee gasped, making me jump a little.
"Is that a ring?" she asked. She didn't wait for an answer, but tugged at my hand, studying it carefully. "Oh, he knows you pretty well," she smiled. "This totally fits your personality." She let go of my hand, a playful look in her eyes. "When did he propose?"
"A week ago, I think," I said slowly. It was actually kind of hard to remember when.
"How did he do it?" I remembered back to that moment, and the smolder that he made me feel erupted in my chest.
"He slipped it on my finger, while he was kissing me," I mumbled, feeling a brilliant blush splay across my cheeks.
"Oh, romantic!" Renee laughed. "I'm just glad you're happy, sweetheart."
"I am," I admitted.
"So, things with you and Edward are definitely kaput?" At the mention of his name, my stomach gave a weird lurch.
"Yeah," I finally managed. "Yeah, he's . . . as good as gone now." I thought Renee noted something in my face, but she didn't say anything more about it.
"Well, you and Jacob take your time. A nice, lengthy engagement never hurt anyone. And you really want to make sure that you're serious. People can change, you know." I nodded.
"Yeah, we're not like, going to get married next week, or something, mom. I think we both want to take it slow."
"That's great, sweetie," my mom squeezed my hand.
Renee promised me she'd be getting her rental car tomorrow. She smoothed a kiss over my forehead before I left.
"I'll see you in the morning," she enthused. "Maybe we can go find something fun to do together."
"That would be great, mom," I told her. There wasn't really much to do in Forks, but I didn't point that out. Renee always managed to find something interesting, even in the middle of no where. I wished her goodnight, and slowly made my way back to my truck.
I knew, almost immediately, that I didn't really want to go back home. I hoped that Jacob had left me a message or something, because I was strangely anxious to see him. But, it was nearly midnight now. I couldn't just barrel down to La Push and knock on his door. I sighed, and resigned myself to driving home.
The lights where off in the house. I noticed that Charlie's police cruiser was outside. He must have gone straight to bed. I slipped out of my truck, heading for the front door.
"Bella," I heard Jacob's voice from the trees next to my house. Frowning, I slowly walked over, minding the huge, muddy puddles.
"Jacob?" I asked.
"Stop there." I hesitated, about ten feet away from him. Even from a distance, I could see something was wrong. Steam was rising from his body, and his skin was completely soaked, despite the fact that it was barely misting, now. His posture, and the look on his face, it reminded me of something, but I couldn't quite place what.
"Jake," I squirmed, resisting the urge to run up to him. He looked so . . . hurt somehow, like he was in pain. My instincts was to throw my arms around him, to try and make it go away.
"Baby," he took a deep breath, "I'm gonna have to stay away from you for a little while, I think." I felt my heart plummet to my feet. It took a few moments for his words to really register.
"Wait, what? Why?" I demanded.
"Somethings . . . wrong," he muttered. It was then that I made the connection- this reminded me of that time right after he'd snapped, a few years ago. His skin was quivering, I could see now, and his fists where clenched. Every muscle in his body was tensed, like he was resisting the urge to hit something. "I . . . I can't shift," the words where a snarl. "I'm . . . god, I'm freaking crazy, right now." He looked up at me, and I saw his eyes burning with a fierce, angry regret.
"You can't shift," I said slowly.
"No." The word was just rage. It broke my heart. "I'm going . . . I'm going to the doc. I'm sorry, Bells." The way his sentences burst from him, it sounded like each and every syllable was struggle. I took a few tentative steps forward.
"Stay. Away. From. Me." He spit, his voice a dangerous snarl. I stopped, nodding slowly. He wasn't in control. He couldn't get in control. I understood, quite plainly, why he didn't want me near me. My heart was cracking. I watched his chest heave. "I love you."
"I love you too, Jake," I said quietly. With that, Jacob ran, disappearing into the gloomy forest. I stood there, shocked and numb, the rain misting down overhead.
End Part One