Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.
Author's Notes: I don't own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.
Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.
I am still on track to continue posting every Monday night.
This fic is over 60K so far (not all of that is posted) and I think I might be about three-fourths done? Depending on how much these boys keep telling me. Anyway, this is chapter 13 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 23).
Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years.
Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)
Rating this chapter: PG-13 for sexual situations
The Lucky Ones – Chapter Thirteen
Day after day, the search goes on
No one's explained that craving so strong
~ The Lucky Ones by Radney Foster
May 22st, 2014
Kurt still didn't know for sure if this was a date. He and Kyle had been in class together for the spring semester, and now that finals were over, Kyle had suggested they go out dancing. The music was pounding, the lights were flashing, and Kurt was getting lost in the music. He closed his eyes and just let the rhythm move him for a while, only opening his eyes again when he felt Kyle move in closer. They were dancing nearly nose to nose, and Kurt was strongly suspecting this was a date after all, and found he was more than a little nervous about that.
Come on, you haven't dated anyone in a year and a half! It's time to relax and get back out there. He tried to relax, and briefly pondered getting a drink to help with that, but he was marked as underage and with his birthday coming up later in the week, Kurt thought it best to wait and buy a drink legally on the 27th. He brought his thoughts back to the current situation when Kyle put one hand on Kurt's hip and pulled them a little closer still. If he could just relax, he might actually enjoy this. Just because it wasn't Blaine didn't mean he couldn't enjoy dancing with a nice guy. He'd have to get past that eventually anyway, right? He'd let Blaine go. He didn't notice that they'd been moving toward the railing at the edge of the dance floor until he backed into it when Kyle started to kiss him.
Surprised, but trying to be pleased, Kurt tried to lose himself in this kiss. He knew exactly how exciting and powerful a first kiss could be, but this one wasn't. He couldn't seem to focus on anything except that the lips were too thin, the teeth didn't tug gently on his bottom lip, the tongue moved too fast, too frantic. He wasn't enjoying this. "Kyle." He just needed to make it clear, and everything would be fine. They could stay friends, or not. He really didn't care. Before he could say anything else, Kyle pressed him tighter against the railing, straddling Kurt's left leg. He held Kurt's wrist tightly in one hand and roughly grabbed the back of Kurt's hair with the other, pulling slightly so he could press open-mouthed kisses along the neck bared to him.
Kurt's eyes went wide and his heart started racing. He felt the heat bloom in his stomach, the quick tightening of his pants, and for a few slow seconds he wanted to get lost in the roughness, to really feel out of control. Then the familiar thoughts of 'freak' 'pervert' and 'deviant' flashed through his head. He immediately put his free hand on Kyle's chest and pushed him away.
"What's wrong?" Kyle asked with a grin that suddenly reminded Kurt far too much of Sebastian Smythe.
"I-I'm sorry. I, this isn't gonna work. I'm just not in a good place for a relationship right now. And, um," a few moments ago, Kurt had planned on talking about this some and dancing late into the night as friends. Now he knew he needed some time to think about this. His reaction, his immediate arousal when Kyle started manhandling him – he was trying really hard not to freak out over that. Staying here with Kyle is only gonna make that har… uuuhgggggg, more difficult. "I need to go. I'm really sorry, but I just… need to go. If you still want to be friends, call me sometime."
Kurt went back to his dorm, silently thanking his roommate for going away for a week. He spent the next hour or so pacing the room wishing he could just relax, but his thoughts were racing and keeping him in a constant state of arousal. Images and sense memories of Blaine touching him, Kyle grabbing his wrist, Brad pressing him against the wall, the feel of having his hair pulled, of Blaine pounding into him, before he knew it, he'd pulled his pants down and was jerking himself off desperately while silently wondering if there was something wrong with him.
The scalding hot water in the shower felt good, making his skin red, making up for some of the guilt and confusion he was feeling. He could barely stand, wiped out from the overwhelming emotions and the powerful orgasm. He just wanted to sleep until he could forget about this night.
He never heard from Kyle again.
November 11, 2019
Kurt stared at his phone in frustration. He had typed, erased, and retyped this message at least eight times already. He couldn't seem to find the right balance between business and… whatever else they had going on here. He didn't even know anymore, but he thought maybe they were working their way back toward 'friends' and he would be okay with that. Huffing loudly, he finally just hit "send" before he could change his mind again.
From Unknown: Nov 11, 1:32pm: Hi. It's Kurt. I got your number from the cast sheet. I always keep the cast in my phone. Just so you know.
Blaine stared at his phone, blinking unbelievingly at the screen as his student continued to play arpeggios. Kurt had texted him. It was a casual text, all about the play. Purely business, apparently, and yet it pulled up all sorts of memories for him. Suggestive texts at school, quiet late night texting when Blaine's parents were driving him crazy, the 'Courage' text that Kurt collaged in his locker, those last text messages he'd saved for nearly two years after their breakup. He wasn't sure what to do about this. The temptation to text Kurt like he used to was stronger than he would have expected. But it wasn't his place anymore. It wasn't his boyfriend anymore. But still, the idea that he could just send Kurt a message… oh, he had to send Kurt a message, otherwise, what would stop Kurt from thinking Blaine is ignoring him? He quickly programmed this new number into his phone as "Kurt Hummel" and smiled at finally having a number in there again. It wasn't the same phone he had before, or the same number, or even the same carrier. But it was Blaine's phone and it had Kurt's number in it now, which is the way things were supposed to be.
To Kurt: Nov 11, 1:48pm: Okay, thanks for the heads up. How are you doing today?
There. That would be okay, right? It's casual, friendly, interested, but not pushy? Blaine shook his head and stuck his phone back in his pocket before he got in trouble. His part-time gig doing music lessons for school kids might be flexible enough to work around rehearsal and performance schedules, but if he goofed off with his phone instead of teaching little Sophie the piano, he wouldn't last long here.
"Okay, Sophie, now let's hear the song you practiced for this week," he said as he smiled warmly at the 10 year old.
Kurt drowned out the rest of the world with his favorite Broadway playlist pumping through his headphones while he busied himself creating a pre-fitting schedule, where he would have each cast member come in for full measurements and a chat. He liked to talk to the actors to get a feel for their personality and how they viewed their character. It helped make the costumes fit better, in a metaphorical sense. He already had ideas about how Rachel's personality would come through in Maureen. The sexual confidence and flirtiness would come from some of the lessons Rachel learned in college. The complete goofiness she expressed in her "Over the Moon" final audition was flavored slightly because of Rachel's past experience embracing her own peculiarities in high school. For these reasons, Kurt would select a chunkier heel on her shoes, or might add some color to one of Maureen's traditionally black outfits. He liked to believe (and was grateful that Sara agreed with him) that it made his costumes complement the whole production and made it all better than simple copycat costumes would.
He juggled his schedule with the information he had on the actors' availability for the next week or so. After that, the primary players would be here every day as they worked on choreography, read-throughs, practiced the songs again and again, and started full rehearsals. Kurt checked and double-checked the notes on all his actor's forms, trying his best not to pause and daydream or get himself worked up whenever he ran across Blaine's form. He finally stopped and really took the time to look over it. He seemed to have a fairly flexible schedule, as did most auditioning actors, but Kurt noticed that unlike a lot of the 6-hour blocks of time that usually meant waiter or bartender, Blaine had a lot of 60-90 minute blocks. They were often spaced out a lot, and mostly in the afternoons, and Kurt swore he wasn't going to obsess about it trying to figure out what Blaine was doing these days. He had always had strange schedules when they were younger, too, though Kurt couldn't think of any local amusement parks where Blaine might be singing. He had sudden images of Blaine playing a bunch of Disney songs for the kids at Victorian Gardens in Central Park and couldn't help smiling to himself. As dorky as it might be, he had a feeling Blaine would have a ball doing something like that. He'd certainly enjoyed himself at King's Island their first summer together.
June 16, 2011
"Awwwww, doesn't he look cute up there on the stage." Rachel nudged Kurt's arm as she leaned closer.
"Blaine looks 'cute' all the time, Rachel. It's his natural state of being. He's far too good for King's Island, though." Kurt was glad that most of the Glee club had decided to join him for a day at the theme park. He knew Blaine would be busy off and on all day, and at least this way, he wouldn't be alone.
"It's kinda weird seeing him sing without a bunch of guys behind him providing all the background sounds. He's really good, though," Tina said as she watched Blaine bop across the stage to another P!nk song.
"Yeah, he is," Kurt said dreamily. He loved to watch Blaine perform. The way his eyes lit up and he got so completely lost in it, it was incredible. His stage presence was part of what made Kurt fall in love with him, after all. Blaine finished the song and made an announcement about the time of the next show. Kurt checked his phone and saw that they had just over an hour. "Come on, let's go meet him at the stage." He grabbed Mercedes' hand and led the way.
They were nearly there when Blaine came around the curtain and jumped off stage to join them. "Hi! I'm so glad you're here!" He pulled Kurt into a tight hug, trying not to hold his head or nuzzle his neck, reminding himself to pat or hold but not caress his back. "I wish I could kiss you right now," he whispered in Kurt's ear. He felt the tiniest of shivers before he quickly pulled away with a smile.
"I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing now!" Kurt's tone was carefully straddling the line between casual in response to Blaine's public statement and coy in response to his whispered desires. They shared a look before Blaine quickly turned to embrace each of the girls in turn.
"Where's everyone else?" Blaine looked around at the four of them.
"Finn offered to cover a couple things for dad at the shop this morning, and Mike had to work until noon, so they'll be meeting us this afternoon. We should determine if we'd prefer to have a late lunch with them or suggest that they eat lunch before meeting us. What do you think would…"
"Rachel!" Kurt shook his head, amazed that they all put up with her sometimes. "We'll figure it out in a bit."
"Oh, Sam might be joining us," Mercedes said, glancing at her phone.
"Oh, Saaaaaam" Rachel and Tina said together as they pretended to swoon. Mercedes rolled her eyes, but Kurt saw the tiny smile she tried to hide.
"Cut it out! Can't I get a text from a friend? People from Glee text each other all the time; it doesn't mean anything."
"Mercedes," Tina hooked her arm around Mercedes' as they walked. "Of course you can get a text from a friend, but we've all seen the way you two look at each other, and if you're not already together, you should be! He's crazy about you."
Mercedes just shook her head and Blaine didn't miss her grateful expression when he changed the subject to food. They spent the afternoon together and everyone enjoyed watching Blaine's next show and teasing him mercilessly about it afterwards. Only Kurt didn't tease him, because only Kurt knew him well enough to know just how much he loved it, and that was just one of the reasons he loved Kurt so much.
November 11, 2019
"Kurt? Kurt!"
He blinked as he heard Lindsey's fairly concerned tone break through his nostalgia. "What? Sorry, I was… thinking." He glanced down where he still had Blaine's info sheet in front of him.
"About Blaine?" Her tone was friendly, a little curious, maybe even worried, but at the same time he heard Rachel saying those same words back in high school – though her tone had always been more teasing and cheerful. The end of their Junior year after he went back to McKinley, he'd been caught daydreaming quite a few times, thinking of Blaine and when he'd be able to see him again, kiss him again, laugh with him again. He was beginning to find it eerie just how much the memories and feelings and thoughts from different parts of his life kept colliding the past week or two.
"Yes. I, um, I had coffee with him last night. We talked a little bit, but I still don't know exactly what's going on, or even what I'd be hoping for if I were going to hope. I kinda broke down a little last night."
"You had another panic attack?" She came closer, resting a hand on his arm.
"No, I don't think so. At least, not as bad as that one. But it was a lot like the early part of it, which I've also had before. I felt a little like I couldn't breathe, and then whenever I tried to say something, it was like I had a lump in my throat. We ended up picking songs for the occasion – it was like being in high school again, giving ourselves the glee club assignment to find a song to express your feelings. But it helped, and…" he felt his eyes starting to fill with tears as he thought about the feelings Blaine had been expressing to him. "God, Lindsey, I don't understand it, but he's so accepting and forgiving and it's just… it almost feels like it's the beginnings of some cruel trick to punish me for what I did." He looked down at his hands, absently rubbing at a tiny ink smudge on his left thumb.
"Okay, wait, are you guys dating now?"
Kurt's eyes widened and he looked at her almost panicked as he shook his head wildly. "No! No no no, we're just… sort of talking?"
"So you wouldn't want to date him again now?" She plastered on her most innocent expression, waiting for Kurt's response.
"I- I didn't say that." Kurt muttered, almost smiling at Lindsey.
His phone vibrated on the desk and he looked to see that he had two text messages. He'd wait until later. He had a feeling one of them was from Blaine, and he wasn't sure he wanted to see it in front of people.
"And since I'm sure you didn't come in here just to quiz me about Blaine, what can I do for you?" He offered Lindsey a smile and tried to give her his complete attention.
"Just need to go over a few things in the schedule with you so I can send out the first batch of emails." She scooted a chair closer and sat with him to go over the rehearsal schedule. They'd all had mixed feelings about opening night. They knew they were shooting for late December, and when Sara realized that Christmas Eve was on a Tuesday, as are most opening nights in the city, she'd decided it was perfect. A play that begins and ends on Christmas Eve – opening on Christmas Eve. It was nice, but it also limited the cast and crew's travel options, and could be a very light opening night. Sara had been working with a marketing and promotions student to get some new ideas, and Kurt thought that with enough creativity, opening night turnout could possibly surprise them all. Once they blocked in the most important dates and Kurt shared what he had so far of his construction schedule, Lindsey gathered her things and headed back to her office. "Just remember, Kurt, if you want to talk about it, I'm here. You can call me. Whatever. You know we're friends, right? This is what friends do."
Kurt blinked a couple times and smiled his oh that was so sweet and I'm trying not to get overly emotional about it smile at her. He was a little surprised to realize he hadn't really had that kind of friend in a very long time. "Thank you, Lindsey. I promise, I will call you if I need to talk. I'm, uh," he looked down, nervous about admitting this, but knowing he'd have to start talking to people about it eventually. "I'm actually taking your advice, too. I decided to go ahead and see someone. After you talked about that… the, uh… panic attack?"
He cleared his throat before he could continue. "I looked it up, and some other stuff, and it sounds like I could use some help. I haven't told anyone but you, and I don't want to yet. I just… it made me realize, well, and seeing Blaine certainly helped, that I haven't really been happy in a long time. And yeah, I know part of that is Blaine, and I don't know what's happening there. Hell, I don't even know for sure that he's not seeing someone. But even if there's a chance, if he wanted to, if I wanted to, it wouldn't work if I can't even talk to him about the past. Even just to be friends… so I figured, I'd try to be reasonable about it. You always hear about how mental illness is not treated as often because it's not considered a 'real illness' or something? And I thought about what I'd want someone else to do if they seemed depressed or something, and…" Wow, he hadn't realized he was going to spill his guts to her again. He swallowed, wishing he had something to drink in there.
"Well, there was this guy in high school, he tried to hang himself, and I mean we weren't close or anything, and we had some shaky history because he harassed me before he started accepting he was gay. But I just wanted him to get help, you know? And I've never thought about killing myself, or hurting myself, but I think I realized that I was hurting myself, just like if my dad didn't take his heart medicine and eat right, he'd be hurting himself. So, I have my first appointment tomorrow afternoon." He sighed. "And you know Linds, if you ever wanted to change career paths, look into being a shrink yourself. Or if you want less school time, consider being a bartender or hair dresser. You're really easy to talk to." He smiled at her, feeling just a little embarrassed, wondering if he'd said too much.
"Well I'm glad, sweetie. That I'm easy to talk to, at least for you, and that you're seeing someone about this. Maybe we can go get a drink after work one day?"
"I'd love that," Kurt said, giving her a quick hug. He felt a little weird, considering how long it had been since he'd made casual social plans with a friend. He kept feeling the familiar waves of guilt and sorrow creeping up and reminding himself of Blaine's words, 'it's okay, I'm here' and 'I can wait' and 'can we be friends again'.
He turned back to his phone and took a deep breath before checking those messages.
From Rachel: Nov 11, 3:27pm: I would love to take you out for dinner sometime this week as a thank you for getting me that audition. Just us, to catch up?
Wow. He certainly hadn't been expecting that. And coming on the heels of Lindsey's invitation, Kurt momentarily felt like his old self, the social butterfly. He thought about it and checked his calendar quickly.
To Rachel: Nov 11, 4:12pm: Sounds nice. I'm free on Thursday.
He made a note about it and moved on to the next message.
From Blaine: Nov 11, 1:48pm: Okay, thanks for the heads up. How are you doing today?
Kurt stared at the message for a few minutes, trying to decide what it meant. Was Blaine asking to be friendly, or because of Kurt's slight break-down last night? How to answer this, anyway? How was he doing today? He'd been nervous earlier, but had some good points to his day as well, and was mostly just pleased to not be panicking at the moment.
To Blaine: Nov 11, 4:24pm: I'm okay. Thank you for asking.
He wondered if he should include something about the show, the schedule, the email Blaine would get tomorrow, but ultimately decided not to. He thought perhaps they'd have a better chance getting to know one another again if they didn't rely on work for their conversations. Not that a couple text messages equals a conversation, but… Kurt sighed in frustration and firmly reprimanded himself.
"Breathe Kurt, stop jumping the gun, take it one step at a time."
November 13, 2019
Kurt had settled for simple toast and coffee for breakfast that morning. His nerves were jumpy and he really didn't want to spend the rest of the day feeling nauseated. His new therapist had given him a few tips for emergencies but they'd get into more next week. And having at least two meetings with Blaine before that next appointment would certainly give Kurt something to talk about. He smirked to himself as he gathered the things he'd need for their first costume meeting. Sure, some people might have an assistant do all the initial measuring and record-keeping, but Kurt preferred to do it himself to help trigger costume ideas. He just couldn't settle his nerves about this one.
Blaine walked in at 9:55, and Kurt tried desperately to pretend he hadn't been staring at the clock counting down the seconds. "Hi. Um, I'll be with you in just a second." He fiddled around on his tablet screen, tapped it a couple times, and closed the cover. "You can just put your things down on the sofa over there," he nodded toward the back corner, "and, um, I'll need you in…" and suddenly the pathways between his brain and mouth stopped working. He watched the way Blaine's jeans hugged his ass as he went to put his bag and coat down. Kurt could only ask himself how could he have not thought this through and planned out exactly how to tell Blaine he needed to strip to his underwear?
"Wait. Okay, first, I know how this works. It's okay. Boxer briefs and a t-shirt okay? Or do you need something else?" Blaine came back across the room as he spoke, walking directly up to Kurt.
"N-no. That's – that'll be fine. Sorry. I know it's awkward." He smiled, and reminded himself to breathe.
"It'll get better." He just stood there, looking at Kurt, and Kurt couldn't think clearly. He felt a little lost in the feelings and Blaine's gaze, like he had the other night when they nearly kissed, and that thought was enough to make him blink, and look away. He glanced around, trying to think of something to cut the tension. His eyes finally landed on the small container in Blaine's hands.
"What's that?" he pointed at the container, but then suddenly remembering that Blaine had said 'first,' he asked, "What's second?"
Blaine smiled. "What's second is this," he held up the mystery container and reached for the lid with his other hand. "They're for you." Kurt looked up again and gasped at the intensity of Blaine's gaze. He looked happy but nervous, and very earnest. Kurt looked down again and watched Blaine pull off the cover to reveal several neat stacks of snickerdoodles, Kurt's favorite cookie.
He looked up again, opening his mouth to ask why Blaine was bringing him cookies, but then he suddenly knew why. He saw the shimmer in Blaine's eyes and felt his own eyes tearing up again as Blaine spoke.
"I promised to bake you cookies at least twice a year. I figure I owe you at least another 13 batches after this."